


As Lost As I Get, I Will Find You

by RainbowLint



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Blow Jobs, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Bucky Barnes, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, Marvel Cinematic Universe - Freeform, Marvel Universe, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Porn With Plot, Roleplay Logs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2018-12-31 02:47:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 121,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12122862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowLint/pseuds/RainbowLint
Summary: The first part of a roleplay we have been doing for a few years (still in progress, this is a very small fraction of what we’ve already written, and there is much much more coming in the future. Forgive our awkwardness, we’re new at this). Following the plot of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (borrowing also from Marvel comics, real-life historic events, and changes for the sake of story). Written in paragraph roleplay format, so perspective switches between Steve and Bucky.This part takes place before the events of Captain America: The First Avenger. Bucky’s starting to suspect that his feelings for Steve are more than friendly, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it because he’s being shipped out. Steve is kind of oblivious but has strong feelings toward his best friend. They feel pressured to lead the typical American Dream lives, and they each think that’s what the other wants.Future chapters will go through all of the movies that include Captain America and will involve all of the characters he interacts with. Tags will be added as the story progresses.





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky ran trembling fingers through his dark hair nervously, managing to muss it up as he stared into the bathroom mirror. Any minute now he knew his mother would call him down for breakfast, his father angrily fluttering the morning papers at the kitchen table. Normally he liked to stick around and harass his son until he got in a few good jabs, dragging his large feet out the door with a smug air about him. Nothing pleased him more than reminding Bucky where his place was.

"James! If you don't hurry it'll get cold," his mother called just as he knew she would, causing him to grimace a bit as he hurried to replace his hair.

"Yes ma'am," he called back, pushing his worried thoughts from his mind. He'd have to tell Steve today, he was heading out soon and the longer he waited the worse it would be. Taking a deep breath he tipped his head back and steeled himself, reminding himself he was doing as expected, his father had no reason to pick at him now.

"Some sugar," she smiled, proud of herself as she set his bowl on the table, and he couldn't help but return the expression, his tensions eased a bit by her kindness. "And before you say anything, it's alright, I've been saving it for you. I know how much you hate your oatmeal plain, and it's all we've got left this week."

"Thanks ma," Bucky ducked his head a bit as the slight woman bent to kiss his well-combed hair, ignoring his father's sigh of annoyance. He and his mother shared a look as she straightened up, smoothing out her apron before turning to tidy up the counter. Bucky ate his meal in silence, not sure what he could say. His mother was well aware of her husband's expectations for her son, they'd had a few blow-outs over it in the previous weeks.

Mr.Barnes was convinced his son would never amount to anything, though at the heart of it Bucky knew it was because his father was scared and unable to be as effective as he wished he could be. Years of hard labor had scarred his hands, bent his fingers until they barely did what they were told. He'd worked his way up though, so he managed more than mingled. Everyone needed things fixed these days, things were sparse and money was tight. They had enough money to get by, but Bucky's being pushed towards the army was really a result of his father's need to feel proactive in the crumbling world.

Bucky didn't resent him for it, he understood. He understood all too well that because he was capable, he had a responsibility. His father had never been very good with his emotions, but all his well-intentioned heckling had sunk in when he got the letter. "I'll stop by the shop later, Pops," Bucky made sure he cleaned his bowl, drank his milk, cleaned up after himself. His mother's eyes followed him as he moved, shining with adoration. She'd always been his confidant, about most things anyway. She knew this wasn't going to be easy for him.

His father grumbled as he gathered his things, but the old man was smiling. The small gesture was all he needed to get out the door with a hop in his step. He'd help Steve collect his mother's things, tidy the nearly empty apartment. It wasn't the best time to tell him he was leaving, but there wasn't going to be a good time. Everything was arranged for Steve to take his place with his parents when he was shipped off, Steve just didn't know it yet. His friend had talent, and intelligence, and heart like no one else Bucky'd ever met. He was going to do great things. Bucky, on the other hand, was certain his skills would be best utilized in the war. No one had an eye like him, the recruiters had practically salivated when he showed off his deadeye shot. It was all but done.

Steve was going to kill him.

Arriving at the small apartment Bucky tucked the oatmeal cookies gifted by his mother into his pocket, intent on using them to soften the blow. When the time was right. Pursing his lips he grabbed the spare key, opening up and entering without bothering to announce himself. Steve was expecting him. Shuffling in the door he closed it behind him quickly, keeping out the chill spring air. A box already sat beside the door, filled with what looked like winter clothing. Steve's mother wouldn't need them anymore, they were planning on gifting them to the local shelter.

"Steve? Tell me you got some sleep. It's barely 6 a.m."

 

  
Steve awoke to find himself face down on the end of his bed. It seemed the night had gotten away with him. He'd tried to sleep at a reasonable hour, with the promise of a busy day to keep his mind off things, but it couldn't come soon enough. He'd tossed and turned until all he could think to do was start packing his mother's things. It was clear to him now that he'd eventually passed out due to exhaustion. He didn't get much sleep these days.

Steve managed to crawl out of bed and headed over to the phonograph, still revolving and emitting static. He'd needed something to drown out the deafening silence of his empty apartment. He was ready to get the day over with so he could finally move out of the place that held so many sad memories. He removed the needle from the record and turned off the machine.  
Still wearing his clothes from yesterday, Steve headed into the kitchen. He found the energy to make himself some bacon and eggs. It wasn't easy to keep going, but he knew his mom would have wanted him to stay fed. Not that he'd ever had any trouble taking care of himself. It had become a necessity when his dad had passed. Steve and his mom had to take care of each other. Now he felt it was his duty to take care of himself, to do right by her.

He'd barely taken a bite of his breakfast when he heard the front door open. Bucky, he thought, with a brief flutter in his chest. In his sleep-deprived fog, he'd almost forgotten about their plans. Though he should have been used to it by then. Bucky had been there nearly every day, despite Steve's constant assurances that he was fine on his own. He couldn't admit it to himself, but it was what he most looked forward to each day. Bucky still knew how to make him smile on even the darkest of days. And he had a feeling that he was going to need that, what with the task that awaited them.

As Bucky called to him and entered the room, Steve could feel a smile gracing his face already.  
"Hey Buck," he looked at the clock on the kitchen wall, "Don't worry, I'm pretty sure I got at least a solid two hours."

Steve stood up from the table and pulled in his friend for a hug. He sensed an unusual and worrisome tension in his demeanor.

"You didn't have to come do this with me. But I appreciate it all the same. Sorry can I get you some food? Coffee?"

 

  
At Steve's admission Bucky sighed, slouching over to the small man with frustration and playfully flipped the cloth of his collar as he pulled away. "Did you sleep in these? Steve…" The dark haired man released the blonde's shirt, turning on his heel to pace away, checking his irritation before it got away from him. Steve had good reason to be neglectful of himself, even if it wasn't his intention.

Facing him he found and presented a smile, doing his best to keep it together. Steve needed all the strength he could muster. "You know I'll help myself," Bucky grinned as he snatched a strip of bacon from the full plate. Slipping it past his lips he savored the salty meat, thinking on how boring his breakfasts would be until the next grocery day. "You shouldn't be alone right now. I'm serious, you gotta ease yourself into these things," chewing around the words he stole a sip of orange juice, washing the crispy bits down.

In his own offer he found an opening, a way he could break the news to his fragile friend. "I'm stayin' here tonight. Aht! No arguing, it's decided. I'm gonna be exhausted runnin' back and forth today. I told Pops I'd stop in and give him a hand lifting a few returns 'round noon. Ma also inferred I'd been spending too much time at the house. I know it's only because she's worried about you. Just, spare me breakin' her heart will ya? You make a guy feel like he's a nuisance," Bucky's aqua eyes shied from his best friend's familiar countenance, knowing it was low to play on Steve's emotions, but unable to help himself. He could barely remember the last time they'd been alone… with wandering hands. It had been before Steve's mom had gotten sick, and that had been weeks ago. Maybe months.

Bucky was beginning to think it'd all been a fluke. He knew Steve was normal, as normal as a guy with all his problems could be. At least more normal than Bucky himself. Bucky had always known he was different, he'd only begun to fear it since the day he'd gotten a kiss from Connie Stafford and hadn't felt a thing. Not like what he felt the first time he and Steve had kidded around and tried out a few things with each other. Definitely not like how he felt now. It had started out innocent enough, but became something of a habit of theirs, nothing serious just… they were good pals. They were there for each other. At least, that's what the dark-haired man told himself. His feelings for Steve were confusing as well as terrifying, but if anything in his life was certain, it was that they ultimately meant nothing. Nothing would come of it, so he didn't dwell. Not when he could help it anyhow.

Maybe in the dark quiet night he could reveal his betrayal, his abandonment of the person that meant more to him than anything. Maybe homemade oatmeal cookies and a friendly touch might take the edge off of the unhappy news. At least, that's what Bucky could hope for. Steve was a good guy, and he had his whole life ahead of him. Bucky just wanted him to be happy. This was one way he knew he could make a positive difference for him… even if he didn't accept it at first.

 

 

Steve busied himself as his friend spoke to him, putting the kettle on to boil."I'm fine, really. I got used to being alone a long time ago."

Everything would be okay if he kept moving forward. He'd get a job, anew place to live. Maybe one in Bucky's neighborhood. He'd survive somehow. It wouldn't be the same but at least he'd be okay. As he poured the boiling water into the coffee pot, he nearly scalded himself at Bucky's suggestion of staying over.

"What? No, you don't have to... I don't..."

Suddenly Steve felt guilty. Had he been a bad friend? He had to stop himself sometimes and remember that Bucky needed him just as much. They needed each other. And he realized his friend was trying desperately to help him. So he gave in. "Sure, Buck. You're always welcome. It'll be just like old times."

Nostalgia flooded his memories and the immense distance that had separated the best friends became all too clear. He couldn't afford to lose the only person left in his life. It still felt difficult to open up, but if he could do it with anyone, he knew it would be Bucky.

 

 

"I told you, you don't have to be alone. Whether you're used to it or not," Bucky reminded his dismissive friend, leaning back on his countertop and eyeing the coffee offhand. "Why are the old times old times?" the taller man mused a bit sadly, realizing the likely reason even as he spoke. "I guess it's not a thing guys do huh? After a certain age…" the dark-haired man toyed with the dish towel absently, tugging at a stray thread. "Like you're supposed to want to 'grow up'. As though it's only _proper_ to aspire to grow apart."

Bucky perked up a little when Steve made his way over, reaching for the coffee. "You read my mind," Bucky grinned as Steve started on the preparation, and he couldn't help but snatch another bit of bacon off the big plate in his excitement. He was gonna make up for the theft anyway, later. "So, if that's what it takes… grown' up… I don't think it's worth it. Family is all we got, if people forget that tryin' to be proper then they've forgotten what bein' human is."

Realizing he'd been straying too close to a topic he'd never be ready to seriously broach, Bucky grew irritated with himself, and pushed off the counter with a huff. "Can that stuff brew any faster? I gotta put something else in my mouth, you're letting me ramble too much," leaning over his friend's slight shoulder he rested a hand there, "A guy gets mouthy when he's hungry. Seems oatmeal's my breakfast for the week, 'n' mom's not big on the portions. It's like she's not noticed I'm a grown man these days."

 

 

Steve listened intently to what Bucky had to say. It made sense. Steve had been far too distant lately.  He knew deep down that being alone only made things worse. But despite that, it still hurt too much to open up. He didn't want to drift apart from Bucky. He knew he'd have to work at it. Thankfully for him, his friend was persistent.

The soft touch on his shoulder reminded him. Bucky was there. He was real. He cared about him. It was too special to take for granted. He smiled as he poured two cups of coffee.

"Well then I'll just have to make you an extra large breakfast. All that stuff in the fridge is likely to go bad anyway. I'm still trying to figure out my plan, but I definitely can't stay here."

  
Bucky eagerly followed the progress of the coffee with his light eyes, biting his lip when Steve poured his cup. He cradled it in his hands, bringing it to his nose to inhale deeply, humming, "Ahh… a little cup of heaven," he smiled, flashing a look at his friend as he gathered up the milk to sweeten up his drink. Once the mixture was to his liking he took a long sip, eyes falling shut as he swallowed it. "I take that back, it's positively sinful."

With a sharklike grin the dark-haired man slid into the open seat at the kitchen table, relaxing back, long legs stretching out. "You makin' me breakfast? I dunno Steve, a guy could get used to that kind of treatment." Although it was a jest and although he'd not been really thinking of what was coming out of his mouth, images filled his mind of them sharing that apartment, spending their days taking care of each other. No war, no separation, no worries about where their lives were going or who cared to comment on it. The unbidden daydream of cozy domestic life startled him such that he nearly spilled his coffee on his best shirt.

Shifting into a better sitting position he settled his mug on the table, running a nervous hand through his hair. He was getting too comfortable. He needed to separate his imaginary Steve from his real Steve. There was no reality where they could be together, and he was only hurting himself and his best friend by pretending it existed.

"You don't gotta do that, buddy," Bucky backpeddled, shaking his head and moving to stand. He slid a hand up Steve's arm to wrap an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a side embrace. "Maybe you could teach this fella a thing or two. Ma's never had the time to show me the ropes, and I gotta learn sometime. It'll be fun. What do you say?"

 

 

Steve started to once again gather the ingredients for his friend's meal, stopping to savor a sip of his black coffee before it got cold. He felt a warmness in his chest, even before the coffee. It was a feeling he'd missed. Taking care of someone. Despite his meek appearance, Steve was always trying to help people. It was what made him feel alive. It was what made his life worth living. It was a feeling he did not often experience anymore.

"Please. It's the least I can do. You need to eat well," He glanced enviously at Bucky's muscular frame stretched out at the table, "I bet you got even more growing to do. Not satisfied being only twice my size?"

Steve's skin tingled at the firm touch of Bucky's strong arm around his. The smaller man knew he had his own strengths, but sometimes he couldn't help but feel inferior against his friend's physical endurance. He could only hope he'd get there one day. Until then, he could still show Bucky everything else he had to offer.

"Well I learned how to make all my mom's signature dishes. Nothing special, mostly boiled stuff. But it makes me feel at home. I'd be more than happy to show you." ---

 

 

 

  
\----

 

 

 

  
Bucky had been resting his lips on Steve's golden head without realizing it, and startled by the realization he snorted at the joke, turning away to return to his coffee. "You got nothing to be sore about Steve, you're getting a college education. You got in on talent and smarts alone. I could never do that," the taller man brought his coffee to his mouth to quiet himself. He was rambling because of his nerves. All his worries about leaving were making him clingy. If he wasn't careful he'd push his best friend away just because he couldn't reign in his emotions.

Bucky cleared his throat and set down the coffee he'd been practically chugging while his thoughts ran amok. "So… by all means, teach me about breakfast. And then I gotta stop by the shop, but I'll only be an hour. When I get back, we can sort all this stuff out okay?"

 

 

Bucky's praise made Steve blush. It was difficult for him to feel proud of his accomplishments, but it made him happy when people recognized them. The friends' individual strengths had always complemented each other beautifully that way.

Teaching Bucky was a nice distraction from all the unpleasantness. Before he knew it, they were laughing together and making a mess. "See? Your eggs look even better than mine already."

Feeling more comfortable than he had in months, Steve grabbed one of Bucky's fresh slices of bacon and started chewing on it.  
"You owed me one... Slightly overcooked but worth it."

He loved having this much fun with Bucky again. He actually felt a pang in his chest every time he thought about him leaving for only an hour. He just kept reassuring himself that he'd be back soon. And who knows, maybe they could stay like this, for a while at least.

  
"Hey, first time, remember?" Bucky pouted slightly as he sampled his own cooking, licking a bit of butter off his fingertip. "Not bad for a first-timer, if I do say so myself." Munching on his bacon he made a show of stealing Steve's orange juice even though he could have easily gotten his own. Smiling devilishly he gulped it down, fighting off Steve's half-hearted attempts to win it back.

"Aht! You deserved that for criticizing my fledgling attempt," Bucky rationalized playfully, struggling with the urge to put his hands on the smaller man. It wasn't the time for it yet, he had to wait. There was still a lot to be done that day, and he didn't want Steve to have to suffer the burden alone, should he react badly to the news and send Bucky home. There was always the chance that Steve would hate him for this. The timing was just awful.

"I gotta go," Bucky sighed as he scraped up the remnants of his eggs and finished them off, handing his last strip of bacon to the smaller man. He didn't take no for an answer, and slid out of his seat to head out the door. Pulling on his jacket he ran a hand through his hair to put it back in place and smiled weakly, not wishing to leave his friend alone at all, but he'd promised. "I'll be back in a jiffy. You won't even know I'm gone."

With that Bucky pulled Steve into a tight hug, one that lingered longer than it should, he imagined, should anyone have witnessed it. Then he hurried out the door, refusing to think on it too much. Steve wasn't going to do anything stupid. He would be there waiting when Bucky got back, and they'd have a bittersweet walk through memory lane.

~~~~

It was just over an hour later when he hopped back up the steps, rubbing his arm absently. His father had dropped a washing machine on him, luckily only catching his left arm, but it stung like nothing else. Digging Steve's key out of his pocket he let himself in again, calling for his friend. "Steve? Wasn't so long was it? I hope you didn't get too much done without me," he spoke loudly as he slipped off his coat, settling it on the coat rack beside the door before heading to the bedroom where Steve was busily emptying the closet.

"Holy cow, she kept that?" Bucky sank to his knees, forgetting for a moment his new slacks, and wondered at the grainy pictures strewn about the floor. "This was when we found that camera in the park… and borrowed your mom's cash stash to get 'em developed… We used up that whole thing. Here's that picture you took of your painted foot," Bucky couldn't help but laugh, remembering the awe in Steve's face as he'd preserved that bit of himself. Bucky had drawn a ridiculous cartoon on his friend's appendage with the leftovers of his model kit paint, and Steve had loved it. It was thrilling to finally see it again. "Boy did she snap her cap when she found out. I thought she woulda tossed these…"

Bucky settled back against the meager bed, flipping through the photos with a grin stretched wide across his face, the memories mostly pleasant ones. "Here's the few we had that hobo take, remember? He acted like we were putting on a fashion show. Kinda creepy now that I think about it," Bucky's good humor faded and he froze when he found one he'd thought was lost forever, one that had haunted his memory the last few years. Their round young 16 year old faces were mighty close together taking up the whole paper, Bucky's full lips pressed brazenly against Steve's. Their eyes were closed. He'd cupped the blonde's face in his young hands like a lover's. It was impossible to mistake the meaning behind it. And she'd kept it. Suddenly all the lingering looks and soft smiles she'd sent his way made sense, and her last words to him…

'Keep him safe, you hear? Be good to my darling boy.'

She had known, and she had never said anything. She'd also kept the photos when she could have destroyed them easily. Bucky didn't know what to think about it, he just didn't know if he was ready to share it with Steve. They never talked about their intimacies, it was just something they did. Bucky didn't want to push the subject anyway. Steve was a straight up regular guy, he'd be embarrassed and it'd be awkward. So Bucky slipped the picture into his pocket, and remembered he'd yet to gift the oatmeal cookies to his grieving friend. But he'd need them for their conversation. So he handed the small stack to the curious man, minus their kiss, and focused on the last one.

Sarah Rogers stood on the wooden porch, unaware her young boys were saving their last exposure for her. She carefully hung their newly laundered clothing along the long stretches of wood, her fair hair partially obscuring her lovely features that resembled Steve's so flawlessly. It was enough to make Bucky's eyes well up. "She was one helluva woman," he swore in almost a whisper, reverently.

 

 

Before he knew it, it was time for Bucky to leave. Steve tried not to show how bothered he was, but it must have shown on his face. He held Bucky close, feeling like neither one of them wanted to let go, until finally Bucky was out the door. Steve stood where they had parted for a minute, analyzing his feelings. Why was he suddenly so heartbroken to be without his friend for one hour? Had he been that starved for company? Not wanting to let the feeling linger, he returned to the task at hand.

Her bedroom closet was going to be the most difficult part, he thought, so he decided to begin there. Pulling out boxes and sorting their contents. He couldn't bear to get rid of any of it, but he knew he wouldn't be able to take much with him. It would be too difficult. He'd just focus on the sorting for now. Maybe Bucky could help him  
decide what was most important.

Time had gotten away from Steve when he heard his friend call out to him. "In here!" He was absorbed in his rummaging. "Oh yeah, the pictures! I haven't looked through those yet. Gimme a minute to finish going through this file drawer."

He could already see the photos in his mind as Bucky described each one. They were permanently etched in his memory. He finally emerged from the piles of his mother's belongings and reached for the stack that his friend had been browsing. He sat close to Bucky and went through the whole pile again.

"Just as I remembered. That was... such an amazing day." Steve's mind wandered. There was one picture he definitely remembered from that day. But it wasn't there. Just as well, he didn't think he could handle the embarrassment if Bucky brought it up now. Still, he hoped his mom hadn't done anything with it.

When they got to the last picture, they sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, gazing at the face of the woman who had brought him up, taken care of him despite everything, and now was gone. "That she was, Buck. That she was."

 

 

Bucky didn't know what he could say, he still had both his parents, Steve had already lost both of his. There didn't seem to be anything he could that would make any difference, and everything he had felt he should say, he'd already repeated for posterity. All he wanted was to provide for his best friend, to be there for him with whatever he needed. So for lack of words he simply leaned their heads together, tight-lipped but smiling as best he could, and gave the blonde's arm a friendly squeeze. After a stretch of just breathing together he gathered the photos into a small empty box, setting them aside for them to keep. Surely Steve would need keepsakes, and he was going to make sure he had some, even if Steve insisted he didn't.

Several hours later it was getting late, the sun was disappearing behind the buildings and they were getting hungry, having inadvertently skipped lunch. Bucky convinced Steve he had no idea how to properly prepare spaghetti, and watched with a mischievous glimmer in his eye as his friend earnestly attempted to teach him how. He was so serious and focused that Bucky didn't have the heart to tell him it was a lie. If there was one thing he could cook, it was pasta.

They sat in relative silence at the kitchen table, Bucky toying with Steve's foot with his own, pretending he wasn't doing it intentionally. He caught Steve's gaze a couple times, smiling lazily, as though he wasn't teasing the blonde on purpose. After they stood side by side at the sink, Bucky cleaning the dishes as Steve dried and put them away. They engaged in small talk as they did, Steve going on about art class, Bucky showing off the large bruise he was sporting from the fumble with his father.

It was so comfortable that when they relaxed in Steve's room after he didn't feel a bit awkward. It was a second home to him, and it made it easier as he again felt the need to come clean. "Steve… you remember when we talked about signing up? How we decided against it because of going to college together and all…" Bucky found he couldn't keep the eye contact he'd started off with, the pure open blue gaze following his lips making his nerves rear their ugly head. "I gotta letter. They're drafting me in," the audible silence was killing him slowly. "I'm leaving in a few weeks for basic, and after that…they probably won't wait long to send me an assignment."

Bucky anxiously looked down at the space where their shoulders were pressed tightly together, leaning back on the wall atop Steve's neatly made bed. "I'm sorry Steve, I… I don't know what else to say." Swallowing hard he jammed his hand into his pocket, grasping for the cookies like a lifeline. He presented them akin to an offering of flowers on a first date, shaky and messy as hell. "Mom made these for you, with what we had left. I know it's a shameful apology, but I didn't want to wait to tell you, and I know it doesn't make up for anything, I… I'm sorry Steve."

 

 

  
Steve held onto the comforting embrace of his friend before excusing himself and wiping away the tears. Some days were harder than others, but it always helped to have Bucky around. It made the rest of the evening pass more smoothly.

They were nearly finished with his mother's bedroom when the boys' stomachs seemed to grumble in unison. "I'd better make us something. I think there's still a can of tomato sauce. How's spaghetti sound?" Bucky seemed eager to be taught, so Steve described the process with as much detail as he could muster. They laughed together as they cooked, enjoyed their dinner, and washed the dishes.

"I've noticed you keep rubbing that arm. Everything okay?" Bucky explained what had happened, and Steve expressed his sympathies. He knew Bucky was tough, but it was hard for Steve to see him in any pain. He felt bad for making his friend work so hard with him all day, so he decided to call a break so they could just rest a while in his room.

As Bucky began to make his confession, Steve instinctively placed an arm on his friend's shoulder. He didn't know what to say. He looked in the man's eyes as he said the words, then stared blankly at a spot on the wall. He couldn't believe it was happening. The only person he had left in his life was being forced to leave him? To potentially lose his life? Suddenly his mind was full of confusing feelings. Like he was realizing for the first time how important Bucky was to him.

"That's, um... Wow." Steve looked back at his friend as a handful of cookies was thrust into his line of sight. He saw Bucky's face again. He could see tears forming in his eyes. The man looked terrified, though Steve could tell it wasn't because of going to war. It was because he didn't know how to tell his friend he had to leave him.

Steve took the cookies graciously. "It's... It's okay, Buck. I know this can't have been easy for you. We'll figure something out. Maybe you don't have to go..." He felt his own tears welling up. "Maybe I can go with you? Something..." Suddenly he didn't care about college or work or anything. He just didn't want to be alone anymore.

 

  
Bucky didn't have the heart for this, but he knew it wasn't going to go away. He'd have to talk about it one way or another, and the reality of their situation was a heavy one. "Steve…" his friend was clearly in denial, but the slightly older man had expected as much. God, he felt like such an asshole. Still, he didn't want to make it any worse… he went back and forth quite a bit in his mind before speaking again.

"We both know they won't take you, Steve. Your asthma alone…" Bucky felt his throat tighten, but he fought to continue, it was too important for his fear to silence him now. "It's gonna be alright. I'm good at that sorta stuff, remember? Number one athlete. You better believe before I go, we're gonna brush you up on your boxing. I can't leave you here with no way to defend yourself." The thought of Steve alone in the city terrified him, but he had to stay positive.

"I'll be back before you know it. You'll see. And, I've still got a few weeks before anything so…" Bucky's heart was racing as he reached for Steve's free hand, his mouth going dry. He shouldn't be nervous, they'd been doing this thing for years… but it was changing for him, he felt… different. His father would be so angry with him. His mother would feel like a failure. But when he was with Steve, none of that mattered. And, as it seemed, he didn't have to worry about it long. Soon he'd be on the other side of the world, far away from this thing they had, it would be something for him to hold onto tightly. And it could all be over in the space of a breath.

Curling their fingers together he gave a gentle squeeze, resting their foreheads against one another, breathing shallow in his excitement. "This isn't gonna change anything. You're always gonna be my best friend…I meant it when I said it before. I'm with you 'til the end of the line, Steve." Licking his lips he let his fingertips drift up Steve's thin bare wrist, watching the progression until he met the cloth of his rolled up sleeves. "Lemme show you."

Without a moment's hesitation Bucky ducked his head and captured Steve's frowning full lips, determined to help him forget their circumstances, even if it was just for a little while. They never talked about this thing, barely ever even alluded to it. It was fragile. Not because of their insecurities, but because it just wasn't done. As long as they didn't act on it in public, it wasn't an issue. Everyone knew boys and girls fooled around, but as long as it wasn't a spectacle, no one paid it any mind unless they had a real enormous stick up their ass.

It was all about the end game. If you ended up married, no harm, no foul. If you were a confirmed bachelor but you didn't fuck a guy on your front lawn and flaunt your lifestyle, folks rarely called you out on it. But he knew it was dangerous to dream like that… Steve blushed at the sight of women, wistfully watched as they walked by, his nerves giving away his fancy. He wasn't like Bucky, who didn't get nerves, who felt cool as a cucumber when dealing with girls because really, he had nothing to lose. And that was all the dark-haired man needed to know. Steve was a smart guy, a nice guy, and he had a stubborn streak a mile wide. He'd make it far in the world, no matter what. And if a girl was what Steve wanted to be happy, then maybe it was good that he was leaving.

Without breaking their liplock Bucky took the nearly forgotten cookies from Steve's other hand, placing them on the nightstand. Cupping the blonde's face tenderly he kissed as gently as he could, careful not to upset the tentative moment. He took his time, dragging his now wetted lips along his friend's jaw languidly, nipping and licking down his slight neck. Steve's breath caught, and Bucky smiled, glad he could still affect his friend so strongly, and busied his hands with undoing the other man's belt.

It'd been so long he was worried Steve might stop him, might change his mind, might have decided he didn't want this with his friend anymore. But the blonde just laid back and let him open up his trousers, reach in to stroke him. Bucky bit his lip to brace himself, feeling his own desire grow as he curled long fingers around the firming shaft, careful not to give in to his urges and unbutton his friend's threadbare shirt. Steve tended to be self-conscious about his body, especially in comparison to Bucky himself, so the bigger man never pushed the matter if he could help it.

Careful not to force the moment too far, Bucky kept his eyes downcast when he bowed his head, sliding Steve's growing erection past his slippery lips, his eyes fluttered closed for a second as he was overwhelmed by the powerful sensation. He didn't linger too long though, beginning his worship of Steve's body almost immediately, one large hand curling around a trim thigh to brace himself, the other still gripping the shaft in his mouth with just enough pressure.

Bucky could only hope Steve wanted this distraction as much as he did.

 

  
Steve shuddered at the way Bucky said his name, breaking the tense silence. He wanted to stay in that moment. He didn't want time to keep moving. He wished he could freeze everything and just keep Bucky forever. What was he supposed to do? He felt so weak as his friend reminded him of his disadvantages. Even though he knew Bucky was just trying to protect him. It was too much to handle at once.

He let Bucky pull him closer. It suddenly felt like they'd never been close enough, despite all they had done together. And now he never wanted to let go. He squeezed the man's hand, letting him know how strongly he felt, in place of the words he couldn't find. The sudden kiss didn't even surprise Steve. It was like slipping back into a place where he felt most comfortable. He could never put these feelings into words. He didn't even fully understand them. But they always felt right with Bucky.

When Bucky took away the cookies, as though Steve finally remembered that he had hands, he gripped his friend's muscular shoulders tightly and pulled him closer. The way the larger man's lips touched Steve's skin all over made him shudder with excitement. By the time Bucky was reaching for his belt, he could already feel himself straining against his pant leg. The hunger he felt for his friend to touch his most intimate areas was more unbearable than ever. When he felt the large hand finally make contact, Steve let out an involuntary moan. The pleasure in that moment of contact so great, he could have lost his control right then. But he held on, squeezing Bucky's arms tighter. Trying to focus and make the moment last.

Steve braced himself as his best friend slowly lowered his head. The young man wasn't the most experienced lover, but in all his days, he'd never felt anything as amazing as Bucky's lips. He groaned again as they made contact, already on the torturous brink of orgasm. He couldn't give in so soon. He needed this moment to last. He tilted his head back and shut his eyes. He focused on his thoughts of Bucky. He couldn't admit it to himself, but this man was the most important thing in his life. He couldn't bear to see him go.

Suddenly he was brought back to reality as he opened his eyes and saw this man, this man he cared about so much, showing him such... tenderness. It wasn't just a way to get off. There was something special growing between them. Steve ran his fingers through Bucky's thick hair in an effort to show him how much he meant to him. How badly he needed him to stay.

 

 

Bucky was lost to his senses, happily drowning in a sea of need. It was becoming too much, and he gave in and rubbed off a bit against the heavy blanket beneath them, He was so wanton, so immersed that he didn't even need to touch himself, he felt like he could go off at any minute. And Steve… Steve was divine, writhing against him, eagerly pressing into his ministrations, shamelessly moaning for him.

It took everything he had not to lose his cool and ruin his new slacks. That would be fun to explain to his mother. So he focused on his friend, paying close attention to every sound he made, every shift of his body. Bucky wanted Steve to remember him fondly, no matter what happened. So he would give the man everything he could before he left. Everything.

But as he lay there, feeling Steve getting closer and closer to the edge he decided he couldn't give that last part of himself, the thing he'd been wondering about since they started their little games. No, he couldn't let himself go that far, because if he did, he might not be able to let the man go. And as good a man as Steve was, he wasn't big on emotional attachment. As much as Bucky wanted him, Steve wasn't his to have.

The fingers slipping gently into his hair nearly caused him to stop, the emotions flooding through him almost too much to bear. Steve had no idea what he meant to Bucky, and the dark-haired man could never let him know. It would ruin everything, it could create a rift between them that could never be healed. No, it was best that Bucky keep his distance, keep things friendly. Because he loved Steve enough to let him go.

Tears prickled at his eyes as he was petted, the show of affection tugging at his heartstrings violently. If he wasn't careful, he'd end up a sobbing mess in Steve's lap. So Bucky steeled himself and pressed his cheek lovingly against Steve's bared thigh, managing to look up at him fondly as he doubled his efforts. He wanted Steve to let go, he wanted to take care of him. He didn't have much time left, but what time he did have he intended to spend with his best friend doing everything in his power to make him happy.

And if Bucky tried hard enough, maybe he could win the war before it could touch him.

 

  
Steve felt hesitation from Bucky when he touched him. He hoped he hadn't offended his friend. He let slip more pleasurable noises in an attempt to let the man know he was enjoying himself. He wanted to return the favor. He didn't want to ruin this. It was the only thing they had that could express their unspeakable bond with each other. These thoughts were bound to drive him mad. They were staving off his climax, but just barely. Soon enough it was too overwhelming to fight.

Steve focused on the feeling of Bucky's tongue and lips against him. His hips were grinding against the man's face, aching for his release. He felt his breath quicken. His muscles tightened as his entire body finally gave in to the pleasure. "Bucky!" His hips raised high, he came forcefully on the larger man's beautiful face. It felt like it would never end. He could barely catch his breath enough to come back to reality.

He held his friend's face in his hands. What could he possibly say? He didn't even understand his emotions. But he knew they were real. And with this clarity came the reminder that he was leaving. Tears returned to his eyes. He never wanted to have to say goodbye. He had to do something.

"Goddamn. How did you learn to do that? Maybe it's time you taught me a thing or two."

 

 

Bucky accepted Steve's release gracefully, pleased when some spattered across his lips and tongue. The remnants he wiped off with his wrist, smiling sheepishly as he did. Even with his cock raining all over another guy's face Steve Rogers still managed to act the angel. "Why, I've been getting a lot of practice in, as you well know…" the dark-haired man rested comfortably on his side, brushing his mussed hair back from his face.

His own erection strained almost painfully against the front of his spotless trousers, though he did reach down to adjust himself a little under Steve's cerulean blue gaze. Bucky loved the way his friend looked at him when they did these things. It was only then that he felt like maybe Steve might feel a smidge of what Bucky felt for him. Deep down he knew he was just fooling himself, but when he was hard and Steve was pressing in tight against him, it really didn't matter. Bucky knew he would kick himself later, but in the moment it was everything.

Still, he couldn't let himself go like that. Once he'd started realizing it meant a lot more to him than Steve, he'd tried desperately to reign himself in. But this was it, things were winding down, and soon he'd be wishing he was here with his friend, messing around in the fading evening light. "Okay," Bucky agreed after considering it for a moment. "If that's what you really want."

Bucky undid his belt, sliding out of his pants easily, setting them aside, "If I ruin these my mom'll tan my hide," he then replaced himself next to Steve, "But I wanted to look good for you. So I risked it." It had taken a lot to admit, but he was feeling bold after their intimacy, and he figured he'd be gone soon anyhow. He could let loose a little. "For the record, I don't think you need any coaching. You always know just what to do to drive me wild."

Bucky's heart was hammering in his chest as Steve looked him over, as though trying to decide what to do. Up until then they'd stuck to mostly hands, some mutual grinding, the occasional mouth action. No matter what Steve chose, Bucky was always blown away. Just having the blonde beside him was enough to make his heart skip uncontrollably. Steve had never swallowed him down though, he'd always pulled back, and Bucky wondered if that's what his friend was asking.

"You know I'm up for anything. And if you're not feelin' it, that's no problem either. I'm not greedy," Bucky grinned at that, honest though it was, since his reputation often said otherwise. But a reputation was really only perception, and if one played their cards right, they could have any reputation they liked. As long as the girls in the neighborhood thought he was a fox, he was safe. All he really cared about though, was how Steve thought of him. "I'm just glad to be here with my best guy," the dark-haired man ran a thumb tenderly along Steve's sharp cheekbone, memorizing the features of his pale face for a millionth time. It never got old.

 

 

Steve lay there helpless as he tried to catch his breath. All his body wanted to do now was pass out with Bucky in his arms. But he wasn't about to let this night end so soon. He held his friend's face close to him, not wanting to let go. He didn't know how to tell him what he was feeling, so he just said, "Yes. Please."

He watched as the man slipped out of his trousers. He was surprised to hear Bucky had put so much effort into his appearance. Steve just assumed that looking good was his natural state of being. "Heh. I don't really know what I'm doing." He feigned ignorance. Though honestly he never had to try with Bucky. Everything just came naturally.

Steve gazed at the specimen before him, exposed as he was. He wished he could be as comfortable with his body as Bucky was. He was instantly turned on again and couldn't decide what to do with his friend first. Best take things slow, he thought. He held Bucky's face in his hand and kissed him gently. All the while sliding his other hand down the man's chest, brushing his nails against a nipple teasingly, finally reaching his erection. His own member twitched with excitement as he stroked his friend slowly. "I'm up for everything, Buck."

 

 

Bucky watched the minute indication of emotions and thoughts playing across Steve's angular face, his body hot and ready to go, but his heart felt soft and exposed. The older man snorted softly at his friend's claim that he wasn't certain what he was doing. True or not, he never failed to please Bucky. It was a blessing. Steve seemed overstimulated, so the dark-haired man prepared himself to back down if he needed to. All he cared about was his friend's comfort. "Hey, buddy, we don't have to do anything, honest. It's not a big deal," Bucky flashed a friendly smile, showing Steve he wasn't just saying these things to be nice, "I'm perfectly happy with everything. It's been a long day, I understand if you wanna -"

When the other man reached forward to touch his face, Bucky braced himself, but the overwhelming emotions still crashed through him, making his breath stutter awkwardly in his excitement. He bit his lips and had to concentrate to open and raise his eyes to back Steve's pale countenance, not allowing himself to hide from the moment. As the kiss was given however, Bucky couldn't help it as his eyelashes fluttered shut, his heart jumping into his throat. God, he was a goner.

Bucky tried to choke back the whimper that sprung loose when Steve's soft hand curled around him, but it escaped him between kisses, his body melting under the attention. He'd not had another hand on him in the month or so Steve had been nursing his mother. Bucky had been there for a lot of it, but Steve often insisted on being alone, and the older man knew when he really needed it. It'd been the most difficult thing in his life, letting Steve deal with something on his own, especially after taking care of him for so long, but it had brought them closer in the end. His nickname falling from Steve's lips was enough to steal the air from his lungs, he'd never get used to the connection he felt from such a simple thing. It was a battle to find a breath.

Shuddering in delight under the careful touch, Bucky couldn't contain his small cries and hisses as the pleasure trickled and then welled up inside him. Between panting, gentle kisses he languidly arched his hips into the small but firm palm, remembering the pottery class they'd taken together, and the way he'd admired Steve's control of his slight hands. "This is perfect Stevie, yeah, just like that," Bucky could barely contain his need, fighting with himself to keep it tame, though really what he wanted he was never going to ask for. Instead, he compromised.

"Lemme get you back," he mumbled against the blonde's kiss swollen mouth, slippery from their saliva and delicious as ever. Scooting closer he reached down between them and gathered Steve's cock up, patiently stroking him back to full mast, grinning in triumph as he managed it without losing himself to the thrill of it. Tangling their legs together he got close enough for their erections to meet, and pressed, nudging their hips in as tightly as they could manage.

"I want to feel more of you," he whispered as he began to nibble along Steve's neck, the elation of being so intimate again running away with his senses. Steve was slight enough that Bucky could slip an arm under the man's body to hold him closer even as he cupped his friend's hand and began to touch as much as he could of all that lay in the valley of their bodies. It was intoxicating, and it required a lot of his concentration not to get carried away.

The more Steve gave him the less he could contain himself. He began to shiver, his mind becoming sloshy as he neared his release, all the things he had to bite back fighting to escape his arousal reddened lips. Bucky began to lose his grip on all of it, squeezing his eyes shut as he couldn't bring himself to care anymore, thrusting into Steve's fist with abandon. "I'm gonna - ah Steve, I can't - oh god, yes, please -" Bucky's last word was a pitiful moan, scraping out of his strained throat as he finally shuddered, spilling hot and wet against his best friend. His face was buried in Steve's neck, the skin there moist and splotchy from Bucky's teeth and suckling kisses. The older man didn't care though, relieved as he was that he hadn't given away the depth of his true desires. It was time to get back in character.

"Jesus Steve, you almost had me with that bit about needing pointers," Bucky fought to breathe as he rolled over to lay on his back, sweaty and satisfied for the first time in weeks. He couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he finally began to relax, realizing he'd been carrying around a lot more stress than he'd known. "Good one buddy, ya got me."

 

  
Steve delighted in every thrust Bucky made into his slender fingers. It elated him to be able to give his friend such pleasure. He was surprised Bucky still wanted to stimulate him back, but his body was still responsive and the feeling was too blissful to deny. It didn't take long for the blood to rush back and make him hard again. The feel of Bucky's cock against his made him throb with lust.

Steve's hands wandered all over Bucky's body. His hips instinctively grinding against his friend's. Their hands stroking themselves and each other in unison. As Steve felt Bucky's orgasm approaching, he focused on the head of the man's erection, giving it all that he could. He held his friend tight as he came in his hand. It was so intoxicating that Steve himself felt another release, spilling what was left inside him to mix with Bucky's on his stomach.

They clung their shuddering bodies together in post-coital bliss. Steve smiled at Bucky's teasing. He could barely move. He felt he would be content lying there with his friend until they had enough energy to go again. This was suddenly the most important thing to him in his life. Even after coming twice. Steve never wanted to let Bucky go. "What can I say? You bring the best out of me."

 

 

"Is that what this is?" Bucky kidded brightly, holding up his wet hand, eyes half-lidded and heavy from his lingering orgasm. Without a second thought the older man gave his fingertips a lick, his enjoyment of the moment causing him to act instead of think. He didn't care though, for that few minutes after they shared something like that, he figured he was allowed to be a little weird.

With a laugh he dropped his hand and pulled Steve close once more, suckling at Steve's mouth languidly, simply enjoying the sensation. When he pulled back he hummed his appreciation of the contact, licking his lips pointedly, "Tasty. This counted as dessert, right? I hope you're up for seconds." Bucky joked smoothly, leaning over Steve like he was going to climb on top of him, only to grab up the cookies from their forgotten place on the night stand and settle back into his previous spot.

"Gotta keep my boy fed," he teased, pressing one of the baked goods to Steve's slightly agape mouth, raising his eyebrows in expectation. "I maybe kinda lied a little when I said my mom made these ya know… I might've been trying my hand at it." Bucky bit his bottom lip in anticipation, feeling exposed at revealing his secret. Suddenly he felt terribly nervous. Bucky shrugged then, like he didn't care if Steve ended up hating them, "Ma says I used too much cinnamon. I just...I wanted to do something nice for you."

 

 

Steve managed a laugh as he tried to catch his breath. The way Bucky was so casual with this made him bashful, but it gave him hope. As though this was something he could get used to.

He nearly cried when Bucky climbed atop him asking for seconds. He wanted it more than anything, but his body couldn't take anymore, and he didn't want to give his friend the wrong idea. Steve was relieved when he came back with cookies. He reached for one hungrily, but Bucky beat him to it, as the cookie was pushed suggestively into his mouth. He laughed again, nearly spilling the cookie all over the bed, but he caught himself and took a bite.

His first thought was that Mrs. Barnes must have improved her recipe. He ate the whole thing hungrily as Bucky made his confession. Steve couldn't believe his friend had done something so thoughtful. He placed a hand on Bucky's as he swallowed as much of it as he could.

"Bucky, you're the best friend a guy could have. And your baking is top notch. I'm not just saying that. I'd say your mom doesn't use enough cinnamon." He managed to muster up enough courage to kiss his friend tenderly on the forehead. "Thank you."

 

  
Bucky had to duck his head to hide that his eyes were beginning to shine with the promise of tears at Steve's show of affection. "Ahhhh, it was nothing," he acted like the was feigning sheepishness, but he genuinely felt exposed, his cheeks burning hot. God, he was acting like a girl with a crush. They were only cookies, it wasn't a marriage proposal. Hell, they weren't even going steady. Not like that was even an option for them.

The logical thoughts were painfully sobering, and the harshness of reality helped his eyes to dry before they spilled a single tear. "There are a dozen more back home, I guess I wanted to see if you even liked them before I offered them up," the older man shrugged, finally meeting their gazes again. "You don't' have to move right away or anything. I mean, it'll take a couple days to clean up and then there's the moving. Pops says we can borrow the truck," Bucky laid back then, looking up at the familiar ceiling, thinking of all the times he'd laid there in Steve's arms and felt so much desire and confusion over what they were doing. In the end though, he always was glad for it.

"I know rent's paid up 'til next month. Ma's said you can come along anytime though," the words were out of his mouth before he'd realized he'd never brought the subject up with Steve that day. It'd simply been an assumption in his mind that that was the plan, that was what they were working towards. He'd briefly forgotten how stubborn Steve could be. He wanted to kick himself.

Bucky winced, bracing himself for the impending argument. "Before you say anything, I know that's not your plan. I know you want to strike off on your own but Steve, you're family. We want you to live with us, there's no reason for you to go it alone. The fact of the matter is, I'm not gonna be here in a few weeks, and Ma's expecting you to take my room." He'd fully intended not to bring up the subject of the army again after his confession, but there it was. At this point he'd say whatever he had to to know that Steve had a place to stay where he could keep an eye on him.

 

 

Steve was genuinely impressed with Bucky's thoughtfulness. He knew it must have taken the man a lot of work to make such delicious treats for him. It gave him a warm feeling in his heart.

Bucky's mention of moving threw him off guard. Steve assumed he was talking about helping him find an apartment until he brought up his mother. The smaller man just listened in confusion as he watched panic fill the eyes of his friend. He wanted Steve to stay at his place? He wasn't sure he could accept that. He was more than capable of taking care of himself, and he didn't want to be a burden. "I... Are you sure, Bucky? That seems like a huge strain to put on your poor parents."

He could tell Bucky was already anticipating his refusal. Steve saw something in his friend's eyes that was unmistakable. He was not going to take no for an answer. What choice did he have? Mrs. Barnes was like a mother to him. And Bucky... Honestly he couldn't imagine not being with the man as much as possible until he left. He would just have to swallow his pride.

"If you insist, I can't refuse. Honestly the sooner I can get out of this place the better. That is, if you don't mind sharing your room."

 

 

"Never been a problem before," Bucky could feel the relief settling over him like a calming blanket. He'd honestly never expected Steve to agree. "Who are you and what have you done with Steve Rogers?" he kidded even as he scooted closer, emboldened by the acceptance of his offer. He stole a kiss, then rolled away to lighten the mood, figuring there was only so much he could get away with. Steve enjoyed a little stimulation as much as any guy, but if Bucky came on too strong he was sure their friendship would suffer.

Clearing his throat he ran a hand through his sweaty hair, straightening his clothes a bit. "Well there's no hurry. My room's not going anywhere. Besides, I figured you'd wanna take advantage of your privacy while you have the chance. I mean, unless you think you can keep quiet?" Bucky raised a brow pointedly, silently reminding Steve of the time they'd messed around at his place and got a little too into it. Bucky's mother had come to the rescue, inquiring after Steve's moaning, and the boys had to make up some story about too much ice cream. It was nearly a disaster. Funny now of course, but at the time, no laughing matter.

"We've got some time before I go. We're going to the gym for sure. And you should go ahead and finish up that last semester of French without me. On the bright side, you won't have to share books with me anymore," Bucky teased, remembering how irritated Steve could get when the older man would scribble in the blank columns relentlessly. Bucky stripped off his button up shirt then, leaving on his white tank, but thought better of it and yanked it over his head too. He used it to clean up the mess drying on his stomach, then tossed it to Steve.

"I'm beat. I dunno about you but it's been a long day. I can take the couch," he started gathering his things, planning on giving the other man his much needed space, and flashed him a friendly smile to offset the fact that he was indeed standing unabashedly in the nude.

 

 

Steve felt his face flush as Bucky kissed him. He hoped he hadn't been too forward. Everything was happening so fast now. All he could think about was his best friend leaving him. But Bucky was being so cavalier as always. Steve didn't want to make him worry, surely the man was going through enough emotional conflict. So Steve did his best to keep his feelings in check.

Steve placed his hand on Bucky's shoulder. "Well we could always come back here if we need to get away," he teased, "I just feel like it'd be easier to adapt if I were there with you." And he had to admit to himself that the loneliness was getting to him.

He was very much looking forward to the lessons with Bucky. Steve always felt inferior when it came to his fighting skills. He knew he had some learning to do. Continuing his French lessons however, suddenly felt inconsequential. He knew Bucky would never let him quit, though. So he decided to keep his mouth shut.

Steve caught Bucky's shirt and wiped himself off. His exhaustion was starting to catch up with him as well. He watched as the larger man stood naked in front of him. Such a perfect specimen. He realized he had to say something now or he'd forever regret it.

"You... You don't have to go. If you don't want to."

 

  
Bucky had busied himself picking up his scattered clothing, stepping around the many boxes now settled here and there around the room. He shrugged as his friend spoke, nodding in agreement. "Alright, if you're sure. I'll hold you to that if you feel like messing around," Bucky couldn't hide his smug smile, knowing there was no way Steve could keep the presence of mind to prevent his mother or father hearing them, should anything happen. And when they were alone, things usually happened. Bucky was sorely aware he was always the one initiating things, but Steve went along with it, and he was grateful to have such a superb friend.

When Steve's voice met his ears again Bucky blinked a bit in genuine surprise, but didn't let it show too much. "Yeah, okay. If you're sure it won't bug you." The older man's tone was flippant, but his chest ached something fierce. Steve was hurting bad, had to be, to reach out in a way he never had before. It worried Bucky immensely. "Move over, big guy," he teased affectionately, brushing a hand over Steve's soft blonde hair as he slid into the small bed beside his ailing best friend.

It took him a moment to get comfortable, but when he did his back faced the other man, Bucky doing what he could to not take up too much space. "I'm out, buddy. But I'm here if you need me," the bigger man muttered sleepily, shrugging his shoulder a bit as the chill night air nipped at it.

 

  
Steve was relieved when Bucky agreed to sleeping with him. He didn't know what had come over him. He'd spent practically every night of his life sleeping alone in his bed, but something told him that if he let his friend stay on the couch, Steve would be up all night worrying about him.

He slid over in the bed to make room for the larger man, pulling down the covers in an attempt to air out the sheets after their recent tussle. "Thanks, Buck. Good night." Steve could feel his cheeks flushing as they lay beside one another. It was strange, but it felt right, somehow. He set his head on the pillow and stared at his friend's back, trying to sort out his feelings, but lying on the comfy bed was too distracting and soon his exhaustion took the better of him.


	2. Chapter 2

  
  


"Keep your fists up, you gotta block or you're open to attack. If you can't see, you're too high," Bucky tapped Steve's elbow, encouraging him to do just that, smiling when his friend got it right. "There you go, can you feel it? You're squared." With a nod he stepped back, admiring the smaller man's posture for a moment before looking away. "Okay, I think you've got it. I know it's a strain to keep your arms up like that, but it's essential, and after a while you'll get used to it." Using his teeth Bucky yanked at the gloves on his own hands, loosening them and then finishing  pulling them off with his elbows. "You're also sweating like you're on a summer beach in the 7th level of hell. We should call it a day." 

 

As though hearing Bucky's commentary the owner of the ring spoke up, announcing they were shutting down for the day. The number of bodies in the gym was bringing up the temperature, and the fans weren't cutting it anymore. "C'mon, it's breezy out yet, wanna head down to the docks? Maybe we can catch some spray. I've got some money. I dunno about you, but I've worked up an appetite."

  
  
  
  


Steve bobbed and weaved as he followed Bucky's instruction. He was determined to show that he could put up a fight, and his friend was a great teacher. It gave him a great feeling of satisfaction to hear Bucky commend him on his progress.

 

His ears perked up at the suggestion of food. "Yes. Please. I could definitely eat." Though Steve felt self-conscious at the mention of his sweat. "Well we'd better hit the showers first. I don't need people staring at my underarms."

 

Steve was used to people looking over him. It seemed the only time anyone ever paid attention to him it was for something embarrassing. That wasn't going to stop him standing up for himself, though. Since he and Bucky had started sparring with each other, his confidence had grown steadily. It killed him that his best friend had to leave soon, but he at least felt better about being able to take care of himself.

  
  
  
  


"Yeah sure buddy, right behind you," Bucky hung up the gloves and followed the smaller man, wiping off his face before tossing Steve the towel. He wasn't exactly looking forward to the shower room, he knew it made Steve uncomfortable, and it was becoming an issue for Bucky now that he and Steve spent even more time together, which he honestly didn't know was possible. Every morning since Steve joined him in his room, Bucky woke up hard as a steel pylon, aching and ready for some action. But just his luck, he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. His impending absence was weighing heavily on him. 

 

So every morning he'd sneak to the watercloset and handle it. A couple times he'd run into his mother in the hall and had to yank his shirt down to hide his shame. It wasn't easy, but he was happier having Steve nearby, being able to keep an eye on him. The blonde seemed more at ease not living by himself, and Bucky was glad for that. At the same time the older man could feel himself pulling away emotionally, but he couldn't control it. Soon he'd be off in some dark, wet, hole, killing guys he'd only ever see through the scope of his rifle. Steve would be alone, feeling worthless. Bucky had been thinking on it, and decided he should give Steve something to hold onto. Or rather, someone. 

 

Connie had a friend, tall and slim and sweet. She seemed like a nice fit for Steve. They both enjoyed art, the both liked seeing pictures. He didn't really know much else about her, but he didn't have much time to worry about it. Connie was another story. She was pushing for him to ask her to go steady, he could feel it. Her lingering glances, her pointed pauses, the films she chose for them. Sometimes he'd think maybe he should give in, it wasn't like he was gonna come back. Not that he'd ever even joke about that to Steve. But he couldn't do it, not when he knew he'd just be leading her on. Even if she did keep suspicious eyes off him. 

 

It was all a mess. Often he found himself wiping his eyes, biting his lips and wishing he wasn't the way he was. Things would be so much simpler if he didn't feel the things he felt. He and Steve could be good buds, find ladies, raise families, be content in their normalcy. But no, he had to be sick in the head. He didn't really believe what the papers said, of course. Because loving Steve was the most natural feeling in the world. But it wasn't okay, it was illegal, and he'd be damned if he was going to ruin Steve's life cause he couldn't keep his mouth shut. So he bided his time, swallowed the pain and played the joker. 

 

Keeping his thoughts on the miseries in his life kept him focused on the task at hand, and soon enough they were strolling through the city, breeze in their faces, water dripping from their hair. It didn't take long to locate a hotdog stand, and Bucky made sure they had enough to eat. Devouring nearly half his dog in one bite Bucky couldn't help but smile at the look Steve gave him, and he did his best not to inhale his half chewed food as he began to laugh. "What?" he managed around the mouthful, "I'm hungry." 

 

They reached the dock before he finished his last bite, so Bucky held the other half of his hotdog in his mouth as he bent and removed his shoes. Then he took a seat, patting the wood planks beside him as he dangled his now bared feet over the water. Removing the food from his mouth he was more polite with the rest of his meal, nibbling at it appreciatively. He was sure when he got to the army the meals weren't gonna be impressive. Yet another thing to add to the growing list of things he'd already started missing. 

 

"For having flat feet you're not bad at moving 'em," Bucky wanted to keep the conversation light, even though he was sure Steve was dreading his being gone. He'd avoid it as much as possible anyway. "If I had more time I'd have to have a go at teaching you how to dance. Might raise a few eyebrows but it'd be worth it when you'd have to credit me every time you wow'd a girl with your skills."

  
  
  
  
  


Steve led his friend into the locker room and, as per usual, found a spot in the corner where he could undress and rinse himself off. He knew no one would ever pay attention to him unless some macho guy felt like proving something to his buddies, but that hadn't happened since high school. He always did his best not to stare at his friend. It was easy to get jealous of a physique like that. It didn't help that Bucky kept sleeping in his underwear, which sometimes made falling asleep difficult. But Steve couldn't blame him, what with how hot it had been. Pointing all the fans at their bed only did so much.

 

He quickly toweled off and got into fresh clothes. He waited outside for Bucky. Steve had been averting his eyes so much, he was relieved to see his friend's face again. "You ready? I'm starving." Steve may have been small, but under the right circumstances he could have put away 3 bowls of his mom's stew. Still he was impressed at the way Bucky gobbled down his food. He couldn't help but laugh and offer his friend a napkin. "I can see that. Just give me a little time to catch up, eh buddy?"

 

Steve took a bite of his dog and savored the flavor. The taste brought back memories. It wasn't too often he was able to afford eating anything that didn't come in a box. But when he did make the effort to splurge, it was usually with Bucky. It always felt like a special occasion. Like they had to celebrate being together. His mind was flooded with memories of every time the two of them had been out together. Steve was always happiest when he was with Bucky.

 

"Remember the time we came down here with mom? She let us run off together and we played on the beach for hours. I know she was secretly watching us the whole time, but she wanted us to feel free. To be ourselves... We got into such mischief." He smiled as he remembered. They had laughed so much together. He didn't want it to end.

 

Steve followed suit and took his shoes off so they could cool off above the water. He nearly choked at the thought of Bucky teaching him to dance. "Ha! I'd like to see that. Anyway I think you've already taught me more than enough skills to wow the ladies." Steve smiled at his friend and looked out across the waters as the cool breeze hit his face. He took a deep breath as he soaked it all in. This day was already perfect. 

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky laughed around his last mouthful of food, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. He swallowed, raising his brows and answered, "I'll never be done teaching you…hmph. Oh yeah, I remember," he shook his head, getting lost in the memories. "I remember Willy Marretti was throwing sand in your eyes so I buried his shoes under the docks. Musta gone all summer with sore feet. But he deserved it."

 

Bucky felt a flutter of nostalgia in his chest, and rubbed at the tingle absently as he recalled their past warmly, "And that time you designed that impressive sand castle. Never seen so many people swooning over muck," Bucky licked his lips, staring out over the water. "I was terrified you were gonna give yourself an asthma attack." He was never going to stop worrying about Steve. Being so far away was gonna kill him. 

 

"Hey, looks like there's a hustler over there. You up for some fun?" Bucky asked rhetorically, hopping up and tying his shoes to toss them over his shoulder. He offered Steve a hand before leading the other man to the game, listening to the guy's pitch. Bucky played dumb, batting his giant doe eyes innocently and even fumbling his hands to give the impression he was going to fail so the guy would up the stakes. Doing his best to hide his smile he raised his arm and hit every target, easily winning the pot. It was a good chunk of money, giving him a lot more than he'd started with. The hustler didn't seem at all happy about Bucky not having to part with his father's watch. 

 

Counting out the coins he dropped the bills back on the crate the man was using for a table, smirking, "This is all I needed. Thanks pal," he didn't look back but he could tell the scruffy man was grateful Bucky didn't take all the money he earned. He didn't see any point in ruining the guy's day. He just needed a little more scratch to give Steve a proper day out. It wasn't long before they were both holding ice cream cones, Bucky moaning in delight at the perfect treat on the hot day. 

 

They walked along the beach, surprisingly sparse on people, laughing when he noted Steve hand gotten some of his dessert on his cheek. "You got a little…" he reached over and used his thumb to wipe the mess away, instinctually bringing the bit to his mouth before realizing it. It was too late to catch himself so he followed through, suckling the bit of chocolate off his now sticky digit, not letting on that the blush on his cheeks was from humiliation and not the exertion of trudging though the wet sand under the hot sun. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve did feel like he could learn a lot from his friend. In the few days since they'd moved in together, Steve had already begun to feel more confident in all aspects of his life. Bucky brought something out of him. A feeling that he could achieve anything, that he could actually be useful.

 

Steve snorted, "Yeah. You could never stand it when kids picked on me." Even hearing about people helping and praising him made Steve unconsciously rub his arms nervously. It made him feel awful when people pitied him. He never asked for that. But Bucky never made him feel that way. Bucky saw something in him that Steve couldn't see in himself. The blonde knew that his friend was trying to show him how capable he was. It helped him to feel that maybe he could survive in Brooklyn without his best buddy. Though it still made his heart ache whenever he thought about it.

 

Steve got nervous when Bucky led him over to the panhandler's table. He was onto his friend's ploy from the beginning, and he had to stifle his laughter so as not to give them away. Steve even feigned disappointment and worry when Bucky was pretending to do poorly, as though the man were gambling away his life savings to support him. 

 

When Bucky collected what he wanted and they were finally out of earshot, Steve guffawed like he'd been holding in air the whole time. "Damn, you are a sly one. At least he's not chasing us like the last guy did." He peeked an eye over his shoulder just to make sure. "But what did you need that for?" But he soon realized that Bucky had been leading them toward the nearest ice cream stand. "Well, aren't you the man with the plan. Make mine chocolate then."

 

The cold sweet ice cream cone was just what Steve needed. If he didn't know any better, he'd say Bucky was taking him on the best date of his life. It startled him when his friend's thumb grazed his cheek. Steve stared at him as he licked his finger. It was a simple act, but it showed a level of comfort that the two of them didn't share with other people. In that moment, Steve wanted to cling to Bucky's huge arm. He'd so rarely felt this happy with anyone else. But he knew he couldn't do something like that in public.

 

"Heh. Thanks, Buck. Guess I got a little over excited."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky had been flattered greatly at Steve's admiration. He'd learned early on in their friendship that in his life, nothing mattered more to him than Steve's attention. It was eating him up to think about how much he was going to miss it, how much he was going to miss out on. Steve's schooling was going to be okay, the only difference was that Bucky wasn't going to be there. Fewer and fewer guys were sticking around for it, after seeing what was going on over seas. Steve wanted so badly to go, but Bucky was terrified they'd actually get desperate enough to take him. The only reason the older man had made peace with going was knowing his friend would be at home, safe, living his life. 

 

"I was thinking'. And bite your tongue, don't get smart with me and ask if I hurt myself again," Bucky quickly changed the subject, awkwardly shifting his shoulders as though it would help roll the mounting embarrassment off him. "I'm getting' my orders in the next couple days. I was hopin' I could sit in on your classes tomorrow, then maybe we could see a flick," the dark-haired man licked his lips, watching as his ice cream melted in the heat. He dipped his head to catch it with his tongue, slurping a bit of the soup out of the base before it could spill over again. 

 

"I don't wanna waste the time I have left here, no telling when I'll get to come home," Bucky kept his tone light, focusing on his treat and not the worries nagging at him in every quiet moment. He knew Steve wouldn't refuse, but it didn't hurt to let his intentions be known. If Steve had had any doubt where they stood as friends, he'd hoped Bucky's near constant presence would quiet those uncertainties. It was all he could do, he was too kind to confess his growing feelings for his best buddy. In all honesty, he wasn't even sure what they meant. 

 

"But you know, if you're feelin' like I'm buzzing around too much, I understand. Connie's been bugging me to see her off too." Bucky had been using the excuse of Steve losing his mother to keep the girl at bay, not really sure he wanted to lead her on anymore than he'd already had to the last few years. He couldn't tell Steve any of this of course. It tore him up. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve was still blushing from Bucky's contact when his ears perked up at the change of topic. He was up for spending any extra time with his friend, though he felt shy about going back to class with him. Still, he knew Bucky would never allow him to play hooky. "That would be nice. I've got French and a sketching class tomorrow. I'm sure they won't mind." He buried his face in his ice cream, trying to prevent it from melting over the side, and happy to have something to keep his hands busy.

 

Steve felt a smidgen of giddiness at the thought of showing off his friend in class. Lately he'd been sitting in the back, not talking to anyone unless called upon. It would be nice to have his buddy back, though he knew Bucky would end up distracting him from the lectures anyway. Not to mention it had been years since he'd seen any films. He never knew what his classmates were talking about with the latest ones. He wasn't sure what was even playing. He'd often walk by the theatre but never bothered to look up at the marquee.

 

"What picture are we seeing then? Snow White again?" Steve flashed back to when they saw it together. It had stuck with him. He wasn't sure he'd seen anything since. "I don't want to keep you from Connie. She seems like a swell gal." Steve wanted to be selfish and keep Bucky all to himself. He tried to convey this to the older man as well as he could muster. "But, you know, it's been really great spending time with you again."

 

The blonde man turned away and blushed and shoved the last chunk of his ice cream cone into his mouth. He fought through the brain freeze, which was the least of the pain he was feeling. Steve was getting used to this, and he knew it was going to hurt even more when Bucky left, which was why he was initially hesitant. But he wouldn't trade these few days they had for the world.

  
  
  
  


Bucky was so relieved when Steve agreed to spend the next day with him. He hadn't realized how insecure he'd been feeling, but there it was. What did he have to feel insecure about? He and Steve were like two peas in a pod for the entire time they'd known each other, and that had blossomed into a physical relationship as well. Still, Bucky wasn't stupid enough to think it was anything more than friendship. And, if he was honest with himself, he didn't know if he could handle it if it did become more. The things he was beginning to feel for Steve were scaring him, the depth of which even he didn't think he could examine too closely. With everything else going on he was terrified of what it might mean. Steve had enough to deal with, he didn't deserve that kind of life. 

 

"I know I've been busy, I'm sorry about that," Bucky felt bad for all the time he'd had to spend getting things ready for his departure, setting things up at work, at home, all the training… He'd spent weeks away from his best friend, and he hadn't realized how much it had  affected him. "Hey," the older man stopped and took Steve's shoulder, making his friend look at him. Bucky had had something important to say, but when those big green-flecked blue eyes stared up at him, all those words went right out of his head. Startled by the wave of intense emotion Bucky faltered, squeezing the small shoulder in his hand to brace himself against the onslaught. 

 

"Steve I… I'm never gonna leave you behind. This… All of this is just a big show, okay?" Bucky couldn't keep their eyes locked, he had to look away, dropping his gaze to stare at his feet as he continued, "I want you to know we're still good. This is just temporary. And I'm gonna write you every chance I get. You'll see," the taller man did his best not to let his emotions run away with him. He steeled himself, taking a deep breath. Forcing a smile he straightened his back, meeting their eyes once more,

 

"Let's go see that new Disney one tonight. I'll grab some scratch from home, and we'll see another tomorrow. What the hell, right? I can afford it, it's not like I'm going to be spending it out there," Bucky was feeling wild, a little desperate as the reality of what was happening with them was hitting him. Everything was changing, as much as he tried to pretend it wasn't. "And Connie, well, I'll invite her along tomorrow night. I just don't want toes getting' stepped on," the dark-haired man recalled how often the girl had complained he spent too much time with Steve. But Steve was the only one he cared about getting hurt. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve looked back at Bucky as the older man grabbed his shoulder, and tried to hide the hurt in his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was to make his friend feel guilty. It wasn't his fault that he had to leave. Steve just didn't know where else to aim his anger. He just felt so useless. Like Bucky was going to make something great of his life and Steve had to just stay home and read the reports in the papers. He tried to shove his jealousy down and enjoy the company while he could.

 

He could sense Bucky starting to lose himself as the larger man reassured him, stating all the things they'd been trying to avoid talking about for days. Steve had to steel himself so as to not start weeping in his friend's arms, hearing all of this at once. He knew their friendship wasn't ending, but the possibility was there. People were dying. And neither Bucky nor Steve were being given a chance to choose.

 

"I know, Bucky. It's just a lot to deal with. I've been trying not to think about it. Just take care of yourself and I'll wait for you. Now let's focus on the good stuff again, yeah?"

 

Steve looked deeply into his friend's eyes. He could sense a deep connection. Something that couldn't be broken by merely being on the other side of the world. "Sounds great to me. You know I'm always happy to be your third wheel." He gave Bucky a teasing punch in the shoulder. Though it was clear to him by now that his friend wasn't exactly clamoring to hang out with this girl. Steve admired Bucky's thoughtfulness. Not wanting to disappoint anyone before he left. Anyway, he thought it might be interesting to have someone else join them in their outings.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky couldn't help but feel like he'd said the wrong thing, and maybe he had. He just needed to pretend everything was going to be okay, and let things happen as they would. It was an inevitability now, he had to let things go. But the idea of giving up Steve was one he couldn't bear. It made him terribly sour. 

 

"Right. Let's get going. I can't wait to see how your face lights up with this one," the older man would never forget how Snow White had inspired Steve's passion for art to even greater heights. The brightness in his eyes hadn't dimmed for months. It was something he could hold on to when he was away. Something intangible he could take with him. Something no one else had to know about. 

 

At the mention of being a third wheel Bucky rolled his eyes, feeling a tinge of pain in his chest at the thought of his friend feeling that way. It helped when Steve playfully socked his arm. "Oh c'mon,  I'd never leave you hangin' buddy. Don't worry about it. It'll be a night you won't forget." Remembering his ice cream he nibbled at the almost empty cone, pouting a bit, "Almost made me drop my cone, slugger, " he complained with a telling smirk, gobbling it up in two big bites. 

"So, anything else you wanna do tonight? Tomorrow I'm ending the night with my folks and the extended family in town. You're welcome to join of course, but we both know you won't," Bucky was both annoyed an amused by Steve's insistence to leave him alone with his family. "So I guess this is it, last night it'll be just you and me. I'm giving you the reigns, pal. Go easy on me," he gave Steve his winning grin, and hoped it hid how much it hurt to be leaving the blonde man and the rest of his family. 

  
  
  
  


Bucky's anticipation to show him something always made Steve excited. He couldn't wait to see what this movie was that had him so worked up. It meant so much to him that his friend wanted to spend his last days in Brooklyn with him. He didn't know what he could possibly do or say to show how deeply he appreciated it.

 

Steve giggled to himself as Bucky downed his ice cream. The older man shared his appetite. "I'm glad you haven't gotten sick of me yet. I'm sure it'll be great." He hoped it would take some of the pressure off him, having someone else with them. Lately it felt like the burden was on Steve to make Bucky's time as a civilian worthwhile. He loved spending time with his friend, but he couldn't help but feel like Bucky would rather be doing other things.

 

When Bucky asked him what he wanted to do for their last night together, Steve stopped in his tracks. The finality of it hit him. And he was shocked to realize that only one thing was coming to mind. He thought of the nights they spent together that meant the most to him. When they slept in the same bed. It was the happiest he'd ever felt. Still, it was too embarrassing to say that to Bucky, even though he knew he might not get another chance.

 

"You've already spent too much money on me today. Maybe we could just have a nice relaxing night in? I'll cook up something special." Steve blushed as he spoke. It was coming out too mushy no matter how hard he tried to avoid it. Oh well. What did he have to lose at this point?

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Oh no you don't. It's my money, I'm gonna spoil you wether you like it or not," Bucky had known Steve would try to get out of it, the man hated being treated like he couldn't do something himself. But this wasn't about that, and Steve was just going to have to deal with it. The dark-haired man had to be honest with himself, all of this was mostly for him. He knew that once he was away, there wouldn't be anyone to watch Steve's back, he'd be alone with his thoughts on the other side of the world, being shot at. Bucky was going to need every scrap of happy memory he could create. 

 

"C'mon, if we get an early enough show, we can do both. I wanna squeeze as much outta my time as I can," Bucky spoke truthfully, the frankness of it maybe a little much compared to how careful he normally was with his true intentions. It wouldn't do to be too honest. He'd personally witnessed guys and gals telling their best pals they liked them more than friends, and had felt his own spirit crushed by the ensuing fallout. Lifetimes of friendship swept away just because the stigma was so harsh no one wanted to be associated with it. He couldn't risk that with Steve. Without his friendship, Bucky wasn't certain he could do what he knew he had to now. 

 

Throwing an arm around his friend's slender neck he lead him down the street, smiling to hold back the worry that his anxious thoughts had riled up. The theatre was pretty full, Disney's movies were a big deal, and everyone wanted to see what they'd come up with next. "You remember Fantasia?" Bucky asked as they looked for seats, lucky enough to be some of the first to enter the theater. He had no qualms finding and fighting for good seats, Steve deserved the best. He was talented, and there was no telling what kind of inspiration the film could give him. Maybe he'd win big at the next art fair, and Bucky could hear all about it in his letters. Maybe then he'd get a nice photo of Steve and his work together. 

 

It was a rhetorical question of course, Steve hadn't stopped talking about Fantasia to that day. When his mother had left to work as a field nurse, the movies were all that Steve could do to keep his mind from worrying. Bucky belatedly realized he was doing the same thing for his own departure. "I'll never forget the look on your face when you saw those winged horses," Bucky settled back in his seat as the theater filled up, glad to see most couples were happy to find seating far enough away that they could have relative privacy. "Or how red you got from those centaurs," Bucky grinned evilly, recalling the blush on Steve's fair skin when the maidens bared their delicate forms, perky little breasts and all. 

 

Bucky had delighted in teasing Steve about it for weeks, even using it to excite him when they'd have their private fumbles in the sheets. There was no doubt in his mind Steve was attracted to ladies, he just wished things were different so he could stop lying to his friend about his conquests, his interests. It ate at him having to hide that part of himself, but he knew that in the long run, Steve would forgive him. Maybe when they were old and gray he could reveal his deceit, but he figured it'd be obvious by then, as Bucky had no intention of marrying any poor girl unlucky enough to set her sights on him. 

 

If the blonde were the prying type, he'd already know. But Steve was sweet, unsuspecting, just too kind for his own good. The lights dimmed, and Bucky shifted in his seat, preparing himself as his smile faded. It was time for the newsies, and he prayed there wasn't anything that was going to set Steve's mind worrying about him overseas. He bounced his knee a bit nervously, though nothing too bad was mentioned. They probably didn't want to scare anyone. When the Disney credits opened he realized Steve's leg now rested against his own, the length of their limbs flush, and he slid his foot closer to add a little more contact… as discreetly as he could. His heart skipped. 

 

Bucky knew he was being desperate, but in the face of his impending absence he found himself with a bit more bravery. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


"Well I can't argue with that." Steve could tell that this night was important to Bucky. The older man wanted to show him a good time, and he wasn't about to fight him on it. Especially not when he was having such a great time. It was exciting to imagine where this evening would take them. Steve had a feeling it would be a night neither one of them would ever forget.

 

It was a blissful feeling to have Bucky's arm around him as they strolled into the theater. Chatting about Fantasia, Steve was flooded with memories. It felt like a lifetime ago, though it had only been a few years. He could only laugh away his friend's teasing. "Yeah, yeah." Bucky was always more comfortable talking about such things. It was easier for Steve if he could just pretend those thoughts didn't exist.

 

Still, as they got settled in their seats, Steve couldn't help noticing Bucky's shiftiness. He hoped he wasn't causing his friend any embarrassment, being out in public like this. Steve knew how awkward he could be, and he knew Bucky would probably rather be showing off some dame he'd been courting. He wanted to show how comfortable he was feeling, and try to calm the nerves of the older man. So, while Bucky was distracted by all the people entering the theater, he slowly and discreetly moved his leg closer to his friend's next to him. Suddenly he felt Bucky's leg stop shaking, and it felt like they had a mutual sensation of happy shivers through their bodies. Now Steve hoped they could enjoy the entire film like this.

  
  


Bambi went by quickly, since for most of the movie Bucky was too involved with the feeling of their legs resting together. He kept glancing at the man beside him, delighting in the expressions dancing across his face, This was all he needed to keep him going, he decided. The memory of Steve's excitement, and the colors of the bright movie spilling patterns all across his pale face. 

 

The feelings rushing through Bucky's chest were scaring him. Swallowing hard, the older man shifted away from his friend, and he tapped his arm with his fist to get his attention, "I'm gonna go get a drink," he told the blonde with a half smile, the bulk of it not reaching his eyes. Bucky hurried from the darkened room, his chest tight like he was fighting for air, and he rested on the refreshment counter as he tried to compose himself. The reality of his life was hitting him, and he wasn't certain what it meant for him. He didn't have time to think on it either. 

  
  
  
  


"Hey buddy, can I get you somethin'?" the voice interrupted his panicked thoughts, and he grinned reflexively, nodding and brushing off his anxiety as best he could. Put on a good show, he thought to himself. Glancing over the offered beverages he pointed one out, handing over the money without speaking more than he had to. Anyone that knew him would have been shocked by the toned down man at the refreshment desk, but he was glad not to be bothered by any acquaintances. Bucky was stressed enough as it was. 

 

Taking a deep breath he found their seats again, tipping the bottle towards his friend the straw brushing over his full lips. "Got you a Nehi cola - root beer, of course," Bucky was glad he could provide his best friend a bit of comfort in the short time they had left together. It was easy to shower him with little tokens of affection because really, Bucky wasn't capable of the big ones. No need to leave Steve in the dust with the reputation of being a nancy lover. Things were tough enough as it was. 

 

Bucky stole a few sips of the sugary drink when he could, thinking on what he was going to do that night, if he had the guts to go through with it. When the movie ended he strolled out with his hands in his pockets, the heat of the evening drawing a bead of sweat to trail down his brow. "So, how're you gonna get my mother out of the kitchen tonight? Or did you two conspire?" the thought of his parents giving them privacy was humorous, though his father was often too tired to stay up after supper. It was his mother that liked to read in the living room while her husband filled the bedroom with softs snoring. He could dream. 

 

"Oh Steve… this is gonna be good. Cooking for me and everything. I'm flattered you wanna play house," Bucky tried to keep the mood light, like nothing was going to change. He hoped it was working. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve was enthralled by Bambi. He had been amazed at the way Snow White brought nature to life so vibrantly, but he felt this was a new high that would be difficult to top. He was so glad to be sharing this experience with Bucky. It worried him that his friend felt he had to get up in the middle of the picture. Steve hoped he hadn't done something wrong. He tried not to dwell on it and convinced himself that Bucky was probably just too embarrassed to say he'd had to use the facilities.

 

It was a welcome relief when the dark-haired man returned with his drink. "Thank you, Bucky." He managed to peel his eyes from the screen for a second to see his friend's face in the dark room and exchange smiles. It was a meaningful gesture that Steve did not take lightly. He savored the flavor of the root beer. It was a rare treat, and it tasted just as delicious as it had the first time Bucky and he had saved up and bought one all those years ago. Now that they were sharing one again and watching a Disney feature, the nostalgia was hitting him hard.

 

Steve was getting restless keeping this happiness to himself so, without really thinking about it, he gripped Bucky's arm with his hand, eyes still glued to the screen. It wasn't much longer before the end card appeared and the house lights went up, though, and the two of them were out of their seats and walking down the street like nothing had happened.

 

Steve had been thinking of what they were going to do that night, and there seemed to be only one solution. "Well, my mom's place is still mine through the end of the month, if you don't mind spending the night in an empty apartment again. At least we'd have privacy." He had been thinking of that night every day since it happened, and now he wanted more than anything to show Bucky how much he cared for him.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky could feel his pulse quicken at Steve's answer. He'd expected a night of chatting with his mother, maybe quietly sulking in bed until morning, reporting for his orders with his friend slumping behind him, depression evident. He knew Steve wasn't happy about any of it, in fact, the only person seemingly happy he was going was his father. And even then his mother insisted it was an act. He wasn't so sure.

 

Maybe he'd been overdoing it. Maybe Steve felt he had to pay him back for all the stuff Bucky had been showering him with. Bucky hated that his friend ever felt obligated. He just wanted to give Steve all the things he thought he deserved, all the things he wanted to share with him. The dark-haired man almost laughed out loud at his own selfishness. He was playing with fire but he didn't care. Steve wasn't a fruit, he'd never… It wasn't fair to even bring it up. Bucky knew him better than anyone, knew that he really liked girls, knew that he dreamed of being an animator, that all he really wanted was to bring happiness to people's lives. Bucky wanted Steve to find happiness, to have a big family so he'd never be alone again, to be safe from bullies and free to just live… any sort of life with Bucky wouldn't give him that.

 

But Bucky had been playing house all along. He'd waited on Steve as though they had a future, as though Steve had any idea how he felt, or how he thought he felt. It was all a big joke. It didn't matter anymore though, because reality had thrown a wrench in the works, and he was going to war. So really, what was it hurting to let himself be happy just this once? To pretend that he could have this, that this was normal, that at the end of the day he belonged to Steve, and Steve… 

 

Clearing his throat Bucky nodded in agreement, doing his best to act like it wasn't the greatest news he could have been given. He was torn though. Did he take advantage? Did he let it all slip through his fingers? Would he be able to live with himself either way? It all came down to what he'd regret more, he supposed. They'd messed around a couple times in the last month, but nothing like the last time they were alone. It was risky. He knew he'd survive it if they were found out, but Steve? The stain would never wash out. He'd be an even bigger target and with Bucky leaving… No. He couldn't let himself leave Steve with something like that. It was too dangerous. Bucky was a big boy, he could do this for Steve. He'd never intended to try and keep him anyway. 

 

Still, no need to be cold about it. He'd just… play it casual. Steve wasn't gonna do anything anyhow. It was always him pushing for the physical aspect of their relationship. And all he had to do in this situation was not push. They would talk, laugh, share the old bed still setting in Steve's old room… but that was it. He'd leave him be. It was the most selfless thing he could do, and he owed it to his friend for how greedy he'd been all those years. 

 

"This is going to be one for the memory box, I know it," Bucky grinned despite the ache in his chest, kicking a stray pebble along the street as they walked. Steve's mother had given it to them before she'd left to nurse for the army, a sort of parting gift. 'Collect stories for me,' she'd told them, tucking the old green hat box into their gangly teenage arms, smiling brightly, 'I want to hear all about your adventures, when I get back.' Of course she'd never come back. It didn't stop them from keeping up the tradition. Since she'd passed they'd added the photos they'd found in her closet, and some of the notes Bucky had written to Steve in class. He was always scribbling in the margins of Steve's art books, and though it annoyed the blonde to no end, he never put up a fight about it. So a few of the scraps made it into the box… dirty jokes he'd thought up, or silly comics he'd draw to cheer up his friend. Bucky liked to think they'd make her smile too. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


It quickly became apparent to Steve that his forwardness had thrown Bucky off guard, though he was relieved when his friend agreed to his plan. He desperately hoped that he wasn't putting the man in an uncomfortable position. But after all, it had always been Bucky who initiated these things before. The imminent approach of the older man's departure made it all the more clear to Steve that he would have to start being assertive. He was beginning to realize that if he wanted to be happy, he would have to pursue what he wanted. And that night, he wanted Bucky.

 

A thousand voices in his head were telling him reasons he shouldn't, but Steve ignored them. He was confident that this was the right thing to do. Not just because Bucky was leaving for God knew how long, but because it felt right. This was the man who from a young age had held Steve up when he was feeling down, had inspired him never to give up, and never gave up on him no matter how bad things got. Bucky was always there. When he thought about it from an outside perspective, if Steve had seen their lives play out in a Disney picture, with one of them as a dame, it wouldn't take any deep analysis to see where their relationship was going.

 

Such conflicting thoughts might have caused a weaker man to deny his feelings and hide from his thoughts, but Steve felt like he could accept this. It made sense to him when so few things in the world did. Here they were going to war. Men were laying down their lives. How did that make more sense than love? Steve knew that was the one thing worth fighting for.

 

He put his arm around Bucky's shoulder as they walked down the street. "I'm sure it will, buddy. I don't think either one of us will ever forget it." Getting an idea, Steve reached into his pocket and pulled out the paper which his hot dog had been wrapped in, and from his other pocket, a pencil. "I'll make the first contribution." He walked over to a nearby bench and quickly began sketching something. When he was finished, he showed it to Bucky. It showed two men sitting in chairs. In front of them a large rectangle was drawn containing a deer. Both men had cartoonish tears streaming from their eyes. "Not my best work, but the night is still young."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky did his best not to squirm when Steve snaked his arm around his shoulders, the shorter man showing physical affection was not a common thing. The dark-haired man didn't want to do anything to make it end. He smiled, despite missing his chance to kick his pebble because of Steve's distraction. Just as quickly though, the younger man was shuffling away, making Bucky stop in his tracks. He watched as Steve hunched over and scribbled, then winked at a pair of ladies that looked him up and down as they strolled by. 

 

Steve's crumpled picture was fragile when placed in his large hands, and it brought back the powerful things he'd been feeling in the theater, things he'd done his best not to act on. He'd thought his tears had been overlooked by his friend, but clearly the blonde didn't miss a moment of his experience. Bucky had realized, as he'd watched the big screen, just how similar Steve's circumstance was to that cartoon deer. A young boy so full of life, robbed of his mother, forced to fend for himself but never losing his sense of wonder. 

 

And soon, soon he'd find himself a lovely doe, soon he'd be a part of someone's life again, he'd find his purpose. When he did, Bucky knew that was it for him. But that was that, wasn't it? That was life. People were important to you, and then one day, they weren't. Bucky didn't see any point in dwelling on it, he didn't figure his chances were good coming home. He'd always seen his future involving Steve in some fashion, maybe being Uncle Bucky, part of the family… maybe being the friend that you ran into at the market, the one you used to spend every day with but life happened and you drifted apart until they were someone you could only awkwardly chat with… Maybe the friend that lived hard and fast, never let go of the past and made your wife a little jealous because when he came around she'd be invisible. But as the reality of his situation loomed, he'd accepted that none of those scenarios were very likely.

 

Emotions running wild Bucky found a grin, fighting off the almost stifling fears nagging at the back of his mind to respond to the offered paper. "Oh hell, you saw that huh? Subtle, Steve," Bucky playfully referred to the large wet tears adorning his illustrated face. He laughed, trying to hide the blush on his young round countenance, "Just promise me you won't show these to your kids. I wanna be remembered as the big American war hero, not the weepy second-generation scrub."

  
  
  
  
  


Reality came rushing back as Steve heard Bucky's words. Here he was thinking about their future when it wasn't even guaranteed that they would have one. And kids? Steve had always wanted kids. That meant finding a gal. He loved women in general but he'd never found one he felt that strongly about. Just a fling here and there. It was all too confusing. Steve was beginning to realize that he could never have everything he wanted. He was going to have to decide sooner than later which things were worth fighting for.

 

He wished they'd had more time. Maybe he'd be able to work out his feelings and explain them to his friend. Maybe they could find a way to be happy. But there was no time for thinking of what-ifs. The truth was that Bucky would be gone soon. So all Steve could do was to make their last few days as happy as possible. He could think more on it after that. It wasn't fair to burden the older man with his wild fantasies. One day he'd be back, and they'd have all the time in the world to live their lives. So Steve felt the best thing he could do was give Bucky something worth coming back home to.

 

Steve pat Bucky's arm as firmly as he could manage. "Buddy I know you're going to be remembered for great things. The reporters are gonna be all over you when you get back. I'll make sure they know what a truly good guy you are." He knew if he didn't stop talking soon then he would end up looking like a more dramatic version of his cartoon. "Anyway, what do you say we head home? We can stop by and grab what we need for the night before we go to the apartment."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky rolled his eyes with a laugh, Steve's encouraging words echoing many patriotic things he'd heard thrown around town in the last few weeks. "Yeah yeah, you'll be my biggest fan, I get it." It wasn't that he didn't believe his best friend, Bucky was just embarrassed to hear such sappy words being casually thrown around by the blonde he'd started having literal dreams about. He was such a sucker. "Good luck convincing the half of the city I've knocked out for you that I'm not just some roughneck lookin' for a fight," he was sure there were quite a few guys that would be even more aggressive knowing he'd army'd up, like it was some kinda challenge. 

 

When Steve suggested heading home he nodded, letting out an exasperated sounding sigh. "Home sounds good. Gotta apologize to ma for bein' absent for supper tonight," he knew she'd understand of course, but he didn't know if he was ready for any of it. The reality that he was going to be gone in a little over a day was sobering. And for what felt like the first time in his short life, Steve wouldn't be there. Bucky wouldn't be there to watch his back. It was taking a lot out of him to hold back the anxiety that was threatening to eat him whole. 

 

~~~~~~

 

The whole way back they'd playfully tugged and swatted at each other, a dance they'd perfected in their long years together. Bucky had always joked it wasn't one to use on the ladies. But then, he'd never gotten around to teaching his friend how to dance. All the hundreds of times they'd gone dancing Steve had always hung back, watched him charm the girls and shame the boys. But he'd need to fend for himself soon, and Bucky wasn't going to leave the guy hanging. 

 

Once they'd collected their overnight things and said goodnight to his mother they'd retired to Steve's old apartment, one he'd been slowly emptying, giving away his furniture and other items he didn't need to anyone that did. It was almost barren now, save for a few necessities, and was the perfect area for his plans for the evening. After dinner, he was going to give Steve a few pointers on how to move his feet, so the next time he was in a hall he didn't just decorate the wall. 

 

Looking up from his book Bucky sniffed the air, realizing he hadn't paid any attention to the progress being made in the kitchen. He'd been too involved in the sketches he was scratching into the notebook settled in his lap. "That smells amazing. What're you cooking up in there? I'm starving." 

  
  
  
  
  


The memories of Bucky protecting him only strengthened Steve's resolve that his friend was a genuine hero. He wished he could tell the whole world what they were missing out by not knowing him. The smaller man was fixated on his friend the entire walk home. Bucky was so confident with himself. Steve envied him and wished they had more time to spend together. Who knows? Maybe Steve could learn some of his friend's mannerisms. Maybe he wouldn't be so bashful. So timid. So alone.

 

When they got back home, Steve snuck into the bedroom to grab their memory box. He'd stashed it under the bed they now shared. It was too embarrassing to let Bucky's parents find it. He came back to the living room and visited with them briefly. They seemed changed lately. Like they too were just realizing they were about to lose the best thing that ever happened to them. He hoped he could at least be there for them and ease the pain in some small way. He was relying on their support too. It felt like they were growing closer already.

 

Still, it was a huge relief when they were finally back in that apartment. Steve felt a tingle of excitement as they entered the main room and locked the door. No crowds. No family. Just them. They could do whatever they wanted. "Well here," Steve shoved the memory box into Bucky's hands, "You busy yourself with this while I get started on dinner." He was looking forward to making something nice for his friend. Thankfully he'd managed to save up for a few groceries. He decided to make his mother's lasagna. Nothing special, and he couldn't afford any meat, but he'd make it with love, just as she always had. It was his favorite.

 

Steve had been focused on making the meal perfect. He was startled when he heard Bucky call out to him. "Almost done!" He pulled the garlic bread out of the oven, set it on the table next to the lasagna, and brought out a pitcher of iced tea. He walked over to Bucky after he had set the table, still wearing his marinara-stained apron. "Dinner is served! What have you been working on over there?"

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky glanced over his work, shrugging a bit, rubbing his chin. It wasn't on Steve's level of art, but it was decent. "Just a few lines on paper. Nothing like your work," the older man flattered his friend, if only to see the gentle blush that usually followed such a remark. He slid the notebook over, nibbling nervously on the end of his pencil. "I wanted to remember that cat behind Carl's diner," Bucky smiled, remembering how they'd spent an entire afternoon with the little calico the first time they'd stumbled on the stray. He'd been terrified Steve's asthma would hit him the whole time, but the blonde had insisted they spoil the skinny animal. "Little CeeBee." They'd named her after the Brooklyn native actress Clara Bow, since she had such a cute round face and deep eyes, backed up by the saucy attitude. She was pleasantly fat now, and would always show up when she heard them banging around. 

 

"One of Nik," Bucky sneered at his drawing of the old man on the bench somewhat, recalling how infuriating the once well-known man could be. "Remember that time he ranted about that fat guy in Central Park? He doesn't mind fitting the eccentric label to a 'T'." Nikola Tesla was awkward, vocal about his distaste for pushy dames and overweight people. Still, he'd been the one to encourage them to learn French, to chase Steve's dreams of being an animator, to never let the bullies win. They'd promised to look after the flying rats the former inventor often fawned over when he'd had his accident, and of course, forever after should he not survive his injuries. He'd have to check on him before he left. 

 

"One of your mom," Bucky pointed, as though Steve wouldn't have realized it. Her fair hair was messy around her face, as it often fell loose while she went about her chores. He couldn't help but think she'd have been a great supporter of his, considering she'd known of his affections for her son and hadn't driven him away. She'd always been there for him when he was feeling down. He'd never specified his reason for it, but she'd always encouraged him to not let go of whatever it was he'd needed to be happy. She'd probably known he was a fruit, she was clever like that. But she didn't judge him, didn't ever make him feel like he'd be failing her by being himself. Not like his father. 

 

"My hand's stiff," the brunette mumbled and winced when he set down the pencil, still he grinned despite the pain. He felt accomplished, like he was honoring the people that mattered before his departure. If anything happened, there would be a record of his priorities. "And, one of you," he shied away from meeting Steve's eyes, it was the one sketch he'd spent the most time on. "I even included that sweet little apron," he teased, tugging at one of the corners playfully. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve took the sketchpad from Bucky and looked carefully at each one as the artist narrated. The cat made him chuckle. He'd captured her demeanor well. The drawing of Nik took him by surprise. "Wow I'd nearly forgotten about him. I owe him so much." Then when he saw the face of his mother his heart sank. Bucky may have thought his depiction was nothing special, but Steve could see every bit of his mom's personality in that sketch. "You give yourself too little credit. It's... perfect."

 

The blonde felt so proud of his friend's many talents as Bucky looked away. "Is that all, or...?" Then he saw the final drawing, more detailed than any of the others, but for a second or two he didn't recognize who it was supposed to be. When the older man told Steve it was him, he was shocked. He could see himself in it now. The apron was a dead giveaway. But something was off. The person in that drawing, it looked like a man with confidence. A playful man who got along with others and was well loved. Was that how Bucky saw him?

 

"Damn, Buck. You flatter me. I think you made my muscles a little too big." He rubbed his hand on the man's buff shoulder playfully. "Thank you, really. This means a lot. I hope you'll let me return the favor before the night's over. Something so I can remember your face." Steve knew he would never forget, but looking at it always made him happy.

 

A few seconds of silence went by before Steve realized he was staring at that face. "Well hey, let's eat, eh? Nobody likes cold lasagna."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky couldn't help but give in and observe the expressions flitting over Steve's pale face as he looked at the small drawings, admiring how his friend's emotions were displayed so open and honest. "Thanks, Steve," the brunette rolled his eyes, embarrassed by the compliments. It wasn't that Steve didn't lavish him with them liberally, quite the opposite, it was just the mood was a bit more intimate than he was used to. Things were always so casual between them, even the hint of anything more was making him a little uneasy. 

 

The older man shifted in his chair, running a hand through his hair as he gave a shrug, "It's how I see you," he admitted after a second of hesitation. Steve had to have known that? Bucky never gave him any indication otherwise. "Didn't some famous guy say, 'Paint what you feel, not what you see'? Or something? Picasso or Degas…" Bucky snorted, "Listen to me, a few classes with you and I sound like an art nut." A moment later he was stunned by the younger man's request, his heart fluttering oddly. It wasn't like Steve hadn't drawn him before, but he'd never asked. 

 

"Yeah, sure, how can I deny my best friend?" Bucky steeled himself and flashed the biggest smile he could muster, anything to fight back the raw emotion threatening to choke him up. He cleared his throat. "No argument here - It smells fantastic," the brunette leaned forward to take it all in, mouth watering. "You really know how to spoil a guy."

 

It didn't last long either, the novelty of a hot meal when usually he wasn't home in time to enjoy one was a big factor. Typically he was busy helping his father at the shop, or earning some money down at the docks and getting home for supper was a luxury. He didn't have to worry about that anymore. Steve seemed happy that he was pleased with the food, but how could he not be? His friend could have served him canned beans and he would have been thrilled because it was from Steve.  "Steve this is wonderful, your talents… is there anything you can't do?" he gushed, his plate practically licked clean. But that reminded him. 

 

"Oh there is that one thing. Don't think I haven't noticed," Bucky lifted his brows in secretive amusement, sliding out of his chair. "C'mere," he prodded, reaching for his friend's spindly hand, waving his own expectantly. "C'mon, I haven't forgotten. I made you a promise," he grinned, riding on the high of being alone with his best friend after a long day of showing each other just how much they cared. It was a bit intoxicating. 

 

Pulling the blonde to his feet he maneuvered him close, positioning his hands just so. "Time to teach you a few dance steps." Even as he said it the awkward man's foot found his toes, making Bucky hiss and then chuckle, "Just in time it seems." Shaking it off he took each hand and pointed out where it should settle, "Pretend I'm a dame," he commanded, though he was sure it wasn't a stretch, he was fairly certain that's what Steve did whenever they messed around. "I know it's not a stretch for you," he winked, then  pressed close as Steve's arms draped around him, one on his waist, the other clutched tightly in his own as they attempted to balance. 

 

"Just sway a bit at first… The trick is to be mindful, you're leading so all you gotta do is follow a patter-" Bucky was cut off by another heel to his toes, making him bite his lips. Steve looked horrified but he laughed it off, "Loosen up, you're too stiff," he tried to soothe his friend, but the man seemed flustered. It wasn't long before Bucky noted his friend was indeed a little too stiff, what could only be an eager erection brushing against his leg. He raised a brow in amusement, "You know i'm not really a girl, right? I don't wanna dampen your spirits but most broads don't take kindly to their skirts gettin hiked by -" Distracted as he was Bucky didn't note the lesson going totally awry, their feet catching, crashing their knees together and causing them to stumble to the floor. 

 

Panicked Bucky clutched Steve close and on instinct rolled to his side, cradling the smaller man's weight so he took the brunt of the fall on his back. It knocked a bit of wind out of him but he didn't care, and looking up at his friend he found the air to gasp in alarm, "Jesus Stevie, are you alright?"

  
  
  
  
  


Steve sat down to eat and couldn't help watching Bucky all the while, making sure he was actually enjoying the food. The brunette's plate was empty before he knew it, and Steve looked down to see he was only halfway through his. He was already stuffed anyway. He always made more than he could handle, but at least he had Bucky to finish off the leftovers.

 

Steve shied away from his friend's compliment, but was bewildered as to what Bucky was referring to. Before he knew it, he was being whisked away onto the empty living room floor. "Wha...What are you...?" Steve felt himself being pulled by the stronger man, into a position he'd seen so often in films but never experienced for himself. "Dancing?!" He stumbled onto Bucky's feet. "Sorry..." He barely had time to process what was going on, but he would have to play along or risk hurting his friend's feelings, or causing serious injury to one or both of them. He blushed as he wrapped his arm around the man's muscular torso.

 

Steve tried as hard as he could to keep his eyes on Bucky, but his feet couldn't see where they were going, and it seemed they only wanted to find the other man's feet. He did his best to follow instructions, following Bucky's lead and focusing on what his body was doing. He felt their hands gripped together firmly but gently. He felt the man's strong back holding his weight as he stumbled. He felt their legs brushing against each other. And he felt something else brushing against his friend.

 

A look of horror spread across Steve's face as he realized what an embarrassment he'd made of himself, and soon his feet decided to jump ship and he found himself on top of his friend. "I'm... I'm fine. I'm sorry, Buck. You should have warned me. I... I don't know what I'm doing." He lifted himself off of Bucky's chest and looked his friend in the eyes. "I'm not really that worried about dames, honestly. I'll be fine. Can we just... enjoy being with each other tonight?"

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky scanned Steve's face for signs of pain, worried that the other man might be injured, but he insisted he wasn't, and the older man relaxed then, resting his head back on the floor even as his arms tightened around the male form atop him. "I knew what I was getting into," Bucky laughed from his prone position, thinking on how utterly ashamed his best friend looked in that moment. He really needn't have worried. But for not worrying about girls Steve sure had a funny way of showing his disinterest. Mention one and his trousers tented like it was nobody's business. Still, the brunette felt he'd probably tortured the poor man enough for one night, seeing as this was the last time they'd be alone together. 

 

When Steve asked about enjoying each other's company Bucky swallowed hard, gaze drifting down to his friend's mouth. "Yeah, yeah we can do that…" Lifting his head he tilted his chin up and met their lips, giving a simple peck before adding, "I'm game." It had been pretty obvious that Steve wanted to mess around, after all, Bucky could usually read him like a book. And what with his leaving soon, he figured Steve wanted to get while the getting was good. With his luck, it wasn't likely that the man would be finding a new partner anytime soon. It wasn't that Bucky didn't believe in him, it was just that women tended to overlook Steve, for no good reason in his opinion. They had no idea what they were missing out on.

 

"Whoda thought after all these years we'd still be doing this?" Bucky mumbled against Steve's lips even as he reached down to open the slight man's pants, slipping a big hand inside to palm his erection gently. "Don't worry though, I won't leave you hangin. We'll set you up with a nice young Betty and she'll take care of you while I'm gone…" Bucky nibbled at the blonde's ear languidly, beginning to pump him as he grew slick in his hand. "And when I get back you can tell me all about it."

  
  
  
  
  


Steve was mortified by how he'd embarrassed himself, but once Bucky started laughing, he laughed along with him. His friend must have been used to all of it by now. What a clumsy oaf he was. But Steve was reassured by the fact that it had never scared Bucky away. The older man was always there for him. Always supportive. Steve was really starting to understand what his mom had meant when she'd say Bucky was a "keeper".

 

He was briefly taken aback when he felt Bucky's lips on his. Steve knew he had been wanting it but didn't realize how obvious he'd been that clearly Bucky had picked up on it. A warm, familiar rush of pleasure coursed through the rest of his body. All he could manage was to let out a gasp as he felt the large hand grip him. Steve was as hard as a rock before he'd even touched him there. No sexual experience had ever lived up to what that man could do to him. It was always Bucky who initiated these encounters, but Steve was always secretly hoping they'd happen, not having the guts to ask for it.

 

"Ah--mmhmm" Steve blurted. Bucky turned him into such a drooling mess sometimes. He started to imagine being with a woman like his friend had suggested. But what really got him going was the idea of telling Bucky about it. Just the idea that his friend wanted to hear about his encounters. "Yes... I'll tell you... Every detail... If you promise..." He hesitated. He was losing himself already. "Promise to touch me like this again." With that, Steve pulled Bucky's neck closer to him and kissed him hard as he pumped in and out of the man's strong hand.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky was thrilled by every sigh and catch of breath tumbling from Steve's full lips, his gaze fixed on the cherry red mouth. His hand was busy, manipulating his friend as best he could, wishing he never had to stop. But he would have to stop, and soon, despite his friend's request, he wouldn't be able to touch him like this anymore. "Of course Stevie, why break tradition?" the older man played along, not wishing to upset the blonde during their limited time together. 

 

Bucky moaned into the kiss he was given, shivering from the emotion it drew from him, wishing he wasn't so far gone that Steve could make him tremble from a little affection. The grip on his neck made him weak, and the long legs on either side of Steve's slight body quivered at the possibilities. But he'd already decided, he wasn't taking this any farther with Steve. They didn't have a future as lovers, it was never gonna happen. So out of respect he was going to keep his perversions to himself and let the blonde man get on with his life. 

 

They were old friends, the best, and he knew Steve loved him, even if it wasn't anything more than friendship. Bucky suspected he was in a pickle though. For weeks he'd been pondering his feelings for Steve, after the incident with Connie when they were kids he'd realized he was most definitely a jolly old fruit, but recently he'd started noticing that his protective tendencies towards Steve were a bit more than a bud looking out for a bud. He'd get a curl of pleasure in his gut when water droplets would cling to the blonde's long eyelashes in a storm, he'd feel a flutter of warmth in his chest when Steve would simply smile at him. The thought of someone else touching Steve was enough to steal his breath as though he'd been kicked by a horse. 

 

Yeah, he had it bad, and just his luck it'd be a guy that wanted a typical life with a wife and large family… no room for a big needy fairy. But he loved Steve enough to want him to be happy, the thought of helping him find that was pleasing all on its own. If he could just see the other man safe and joyful and alive… That's all he really needed. He was content to be the helping hand until his best friend found what he really wanted. 

 

Widening his legs he grunted into the wet liplock, feeling sweat trickle down his brow from the summer heat and their tight embrace as Steve's shifting weight added the perfect pressure to his own erection. Bucky focused on the blonde's pleasure, pumping him in time with Steve's thrusts, arching his own hips into the movement. God, what he wouldn't give to have the other man inside of him. His heart was thundering in his ribcage, his mind racing at his dangerous thoughts. But no, he'd decided it would break his heart to have a taste of a life he wasn't promised. He could live with this, reveling in their closeness, glad for their bond. It was enough. It would be enough. 

 

Bucky could tell Steve was close, and peeked through his heavy eyes to get a glimpse of his blissful  flushed face, the beauty of it urging on his own release. He wasn't going to last long. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve arched his back as the brunette stroked him. Bucky's hands worked like magic. He knew the precise places to put his thumb and fingers to give Steve the maximum amount of pleasure. It took everything he had to last more than a few seconds under such beautiful agony. He tried to think about something else. Anything to keep this moment from ending. But all he could think about was Bucky. Why was he still doing things like this for him? Steve had always figured his friend felt bad for him that he could never get a date, but now that the blonde had grown up a bit, he hadn't had much trouble. Still Bucky was there, making him feel this way. Steve felt he didn't deserve it.

 

The pressure was building and Steve could feel his muscles beginning to contract. He reached desperately for Bucky's trousers, wanting to return the favor before it was too late. He could feel the man's stiffness through his pants, astonished that he had such an effect on him. Just touching it sent him over the edge. "Oh Bucky..."

 

Steve felt his whole body pulsing as he finally released his tension, once again making a mess of his clean shirt and bed sheets. He clenched his fist in Bucky's hair, pulling it tight as wave after wave left him unconsciously thrusting his hips for several moments afterward. His panting finally subsided enough to catch his breath and speak. "Why are you so good to me?" He kissed his friend's lips deeply and held onto him for dear life. How could he possibly let this man go after all Bucky had done for him?

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's breath was sporadic, the hiking pleasure between them was stealing it, but he didn't care. All he could do was hold back the whimpers threatening to leave him, not wishing to give away the effect Steve's attentions were having on him. His own body was beginning to shiver, tensing, Steve's raspy voice in his ear making his cock throb in need. When the blonde's thin fingers snaked into his hair and pulled he couldn't hold back anymore, the pleasure building within him snapping like a whip, and he used his free hand to squeeze the other man tight against him as he came. 

 

Bucky couldn't help it and cried out his best friend's name, his breath hitching at the end of an involuntary moan as he rode out his orgasm. Every inch of him tingled and trembled, his body spent from the intense emotions roiling inside him. He clutched desperately at the man atop him, the brunette's own hips nudging back as Steve moved against him, the men rocking together as they came down from their high. Biting his lips he relaxed back to the floor, jaw going lax when he had to give in to the need to breathe. They lay together gasping for several long minutes before his friend spoke, catching Bucky at a weak moment. 

 

"Because I - " … love you, his mind had supplied, but he stumbled over his admission, stuttering a bit, heart in his throat as he struggled in a panic to answer appropriately. "…I want you to be happy," the older man managed to save some face, still feeling a little too blissed out to be answering questions without giving himself away. He needn't have worried though, as Steve caught his lips and busied them for a long stretch. Bucky felt his chest swoon and heart skip, tears biting, stinging his eyes behind dark lashes. 

 

He was glad the blonde couldn't see them as they enjoyed each other's lips and tongues, taking what he could get before it was gone forever. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve held Bucky tightly against him for as long as he could, until time melted away. Maybe if they stayed there together they wouldn't have to fall asleep, and the sun would never rise, and they'd never have to part. Unfortunately the blonde could already feel sleepiness overwhelming him. They'd been walking and eating all day.

 

The events of the day flashed through Steve's head. It had been perfect. What more could he ask for? He imagined living every day like this with Bucky and a warm sensation filled his chest. Though it was soon replaced by a feeling of despair. They may never have a day like this again. Steve felt tears welling up in his eyes and he had to stop this line of thinking before he ruined the night. He had to be strong for Bucky.

 

This day was just a testament to how strong their bond was, Steve thought. Nothing could break that, no matter how hard it tried. He thought about what his life would be like with Bucky gone. Living with his friend's parents, getting a job to make ends meet until he finished school, sitting in his room all day drawing and pining for his best friend, wondering if he was even alive out there. Steve didn't think he could handle that. And if he was powerless to stop Bucky from leaving, then maybe he would just have to find a way to follow him. Steve knew his friend wouldn't approve, but he had to try. He had to do something.

 

Steve suddenly realized they'd been lying together in silence for a very long time. He started to worry that Bucky was uncomfortable. He shifted his weight slightly to break some of the tension. "I want you to be happy too, Buck. I'll make certain of it, however I can. I owe you."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky sighed when Steve redistributed his weight, the man atop him so slight it barely registered on his broad torso. Training had been intense, he'd cultivated muscles even he didn't know about, and he'd spend entire days hauling things other men couldn't even budge. He was ashamed of his size sometimes though, because Steve was so self-conscious, he hated being the cause of any amount of pain for the blonde. It didn't matter though, soon he wouldn't be around to remind Steve what he wasn't. 

 

His friend's words made him frown, the older man's brow knitting in concern. "Steve, you don't owe me anything. It's not a competition," Bucky laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "On that note, I do expect you to answer when I write you," the brunette gave Steve an expectant look, and all of a sudden they were just two kids bugging each other to prove their friendship again. "I'm gonna be real sore if you let it slip your mind," Bucky ran slender fingers through short sweaty locks at Steve's temple, "You're not allowed to forget about me." 

 

Bucky gave a half-smile then, though his chest ached something fierce at the thought of someone replacing him in Steve's life. He didn't want to believe it would happen but his building fears and insecurities ate at him, anxiety over having to leave making him feel ridiculous things that had been so easy to ignore before. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve was taken aback when Bucky looked at him like that. He felt like he'd done something wrong. "Of course I'll write you! What makes you think I..." Then it suddenly hit Steve how he'd been behaving lately. Keeping to himself, never checking in. He'd been a terrible friend. He was so focused on his own problems that he never took a second to think about how it was affecting Bucky. Steve wasn't the only lonely one. They had to stick together or else what did they have?

 

"Oh, Bucky... I would never... You're the best friend I've got. Maybe the only one. I'm not ever gonna let you go." Steve felt his hands shaking as he clung tight to his friend. He meant it. The younger man was going to do whatever he could to make sure Bucky got home safely, even if it meant putting himself in danger. He had nothing else to fight for.

 

"I'll send you sketches as often as I can, okay? I want you to tell me everything. The things it's too difficult to write your folks about. I'll be here for you." Steve let out a heavy sigh. He had to believe everything was going to work out. He'd make sure of it.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky did his best to smile, believing that Steve intended to write him, intended to keep him in his mind. They'd been inseparable since they met, and this was the first real test of their bond. The first time they'd be parted. "Nah, I don't think you'd intentionally snub me Steve," the older man waved off the implication, shocked that his friend thought he'd paint him that way. "I just know you always have a lot on that smart-ass college boy mind of yours," Bucky teased, reaching up to muss the blonde's short hair. "Busy busy busy," he sing-songed, grinning at the mess he'd made of Steve's golden locks. 

 

"You've got a lot of responsibility over here too, lots to do on this end. We'll need all the support there is. And it  _ is  _ important," Bucky added pointedly, touching on the arguments they'd had about Steve wanting to join up. They'd quieted a few weeks back, but Bucky suspected it wasn't over yet. Steve was far too stubborn for it to be over. He could only hope his friend wouldn't do anything stupid. Hope. 

 

"Yeah, you bet," Bucky agreed easily, mind turning to dark things, things he lay awake worrying about once Steve had drifted off. What would it be like to kill someone? To watch a friend die? What would it feel like to get shot, to die himself? Swallowing his fears he rested his lips on Steve's spiked hair, going quiet for a few moments as he got lost in his worries. "I'll tell you everything." 

 

Bucky didn't want to upset his friend. He didn't want to expose him to the horrors he knew he was going to be experiencing. But it was the one thing Steve was requesting, and it was the only link they'd have. After all, there was no way he could say anything to his parents. The thought of his mother having to deal with his killing someone, or his father seeing his son as anything but brave and strong. His mother kept joking that he owed her grandchildren, she'd already knitted them clothing, and he must come back to her and fulfill his duty to the family...

 

Bucky knew it was his father speaking through her, mostly. After all, she often told him he could never disappoint her, no matter what he did. 'A mother's love knows no limits' she'd tell him proudly, and he believed her. Remembering how Steve's mom had treated their secret he smiled, a little reassured. Maybe that was true. 

 

"As much as I love having you on top of me, we better get up… It's gonna be a long day tomorrow and this is hell on my back," Bucky sighed playfully, rubbing a big palm up Steve's spine tenderly. "Classes, movie, night out with the girls. Should be a memorable send off," he smiled despite his nerves, wondering if he'd be able to keep his emotions in check throughout his last day. "Not as memorable as this one, of course…" the brunette grinned, attempting to keep the mood light. 

  
  
  
  
  


School had been the furthest thing from Steve's mind. He knew the military needed help from civilians, but what good could an art major do for them? It suddenly all felt so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. He could only nod and pretend to accept Bucky's suggestion. Steve knew his friend was just trying to make him feel better. Make him feel worth something. But the truth was, as long as Bucky was stuck over there and Steve was stuck here, there would be nothing to keep him going but the hope that they'd be reunited soon.

 

Steve wanted more than anything for his friend to confide in him. The blonde wasn't the best at expressing himself either, but he could tell that Bucky hid behind his nonchalant exterior, and only rarely did Steve get to see his true feelings. He hoped that maybe the older man might open up more in his writing, and tell his friend what he couldn't tell anyone else.

 

Steve felt mortified when Bucky complained about his back, "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't..." He rolled off his friend and onto his side so he was facing Bucky. "Yeah, today will be hard to beat." He slowly stroked the man's large bicep. "But I'm just happy we get to spend more time together." As Steve got more comfortable he started to realize how exhausted he was. As badly as he wanted to stay awake, he couldn't control his eyelids as they drifted closed. He managed to call out from his sleepiness to let his friend know he was too far gone. "Good...night...Buck..."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky wore his uniform with a sense of pride, knowing what it symbolized to people, his friends and fellow New Yorker's looking at him with something akin to awe. Everyone knew what was happening on the other side of the world, horrible things that frightened even the bravest of them. Bucky would be lying if he said he wasn't terrified to go, but at the same time he felt like he had to help put a stop to the madness. Either way he was being sent anyway, he might as well find the silver lining. It also took some suspicious eyes off him and his family. His father was outwardly proud of their heritage, but the war had begun to change that. He was full of anger now, as Romania had joined in the insanity of murdering their own people. It didn't matter how far removed you were from your family's home country, if people knew or suspected you had any ties to it you were under serious scrutiny. Having the US military give him a stamp of approval only slightly lessened the burden. 

 

The school wasn't as full as it used to be, most eligible young men had already signed up or been drafted in, leaving the classrooms to be populated by mostly women. As it was common for women to seek husbands at college Bucky had a feeling Steve might be married off by the time he got back. If he got back. The truth was, he just wanted to make sure his friend had someone to look after him before he was gone. Just in case. Maybe Connie's friend would be the one. He'd talked to her about bringing someone along for Steve on their night out dancing, preferably someone as untrained as his friend was at it. Connie seemed sure her friend was a good match. They had art in common, maybe that was all they needed to start something. 

 

After classes he had lunch scheduled with his folks and a few family members that still expected to see him off. He told Steve he was invited but he knew the other man had his own things he needed to do that day. After all, Bucky had been monopolizing his time something fierce. He shifted in his seat beside the blonde man as the French lesson started, absently sketching cartoons in the borders of his friend's book pages as they repeated phrases and took notes. Bucky reluctantly winked at a girl that seemingly couldn't take her eyes off him, feeling a little self conscious at the pointed attention. He was glad when the flame-haired young woman ducked her head with a heavy blush, apparently pleased with the small flirtation. Sighing in irritation Bucky was glad for the recitation portion of the class, turning to face Steve as they were instructed. With a suave smile at his best friend he parroted the phrases they'd been taught, the slick words rolling off his tongue like he'd been born to the language. He had a talent for such things, which was one reason his father had been so keen on getting him working with him. The old man found it rough trying to pick out words from heavy accents and mixed languages, but Bucky took to it like a natural. 

 

It wasn't long before they were packing up and moving on to art class, Bucky often being stopped in the halls by eager young men or flushed young ladies for a hand shake or a picture. People were proud to see one of their own represented in the big bad world. Bucky only wished he were as excited to be going. Still, he smiled and shook their hands, answered their questions as best he could, all the while feeling lousy because Steve was sulking beside him, either upset Bucky was leaving or mad that he could join too. It wasn't the greatest experience. He squeezed the blonde's shoulder with an apologetic smile as they took their seats for the live drawing portion, the brunette doing his best to concentrate on his work and not worry too much about the distant expression dominating Steve's fair features. 

 

Once they'd finished and were dismissed he gave his friend a weak smile, replacing his cover and squaring his shoulders as they made their way down the steps outside the large building. "It's only a couple hours, I'll meet you at the theater ok?" Bucky tried to meet their eyes pretty unsuccessfully. His smile faded into a tight-lipped frown and he gave a nod, realizing the mood was going to be a bit sour no matter what… after all, he was leaving first thing in the morning. "Casablanca. I know you won't miss the newsies, but don't worry if I do. I'll make it as fast as I can." 

 

With that he parted from his friend, heart heavy, and went to join his family for their farewell. It was going to be the longest couple of hours of his life, he was sure. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve was a bit too distracted to learn anything in class that day. All morning he'd been fraught with worry over his friend's well-being. Though watching everyone react to Bucky at school, Steve found himself more jealous than concerned. He knew it was ridiculous. Bucky was about to lay his life on the line and everyone else was just happy to see someone going who wasn't them. Yet Steve couldn't look at the way the girls looked at his friend without feeling a pang of heartache. After all, who could say Bucky wouldn't come back and immediately marry a gal, leaving Steve alone again? But he couldn't think like that. Things would have to work out somehow.

 

Every time Bucky would make physical contact with him, it helped to reassure Steve that his fears were unfounded. It was insulting to think that a few superficial glances could trump a lifelong history, right? He had to believe that anyway if he wanted to stay sane. But that brief squeeze on the shoulder was all he needed. A warm feeling spread through his body that told him everything was going to be okay.

 

Steve couldn't believe it was parting time already. Now going without Bucky for a few hours was enough to kill him. How was he going to handle him going to war? "Yeah. I'll see you there." He watched as Bucky walked away, and wondered what he was going to do with himself.

 

The blonde decided to just start walking. The theater wasn't that far, but he couldn't bear to be home alone. Not yet. So he walked through the streets of Brooklyn, taking it in as if for the first time. He watched as cars drove by, children played on the sidewalks, street vendors shouted at passersby. Steve felt like he never really appreciated what he had, and in short time Bucky would be in what might as well be another world. He didn't know what kind of entertainment they had in the army, but this might be the last picture he'd get to see for a very long time.

 

Steve was almost to the theater when he saw a building decorated with all sorts of red, white and blue banners. He stopped in his tracks as he passed by the poster of Uncle Sam, pointing right at his chest. He looked into the man's eyes, then looked down the road at the theater marquee. Was he just going to stay here and go to films like nothing was happening overseas? No. It was time to take action. He gathered up all the courage he had, and walked in the door to enlist.

 

~~~~~

 

This was a new feeling of shame. Walking down the street alone, having just been told he wasn't good enough to die for his country. Steve didn't think he'd be able to enjoy a movie now, but he'd already told Bucky he'd go, and he really wanted to see his friend. He looked around for the brunette but he didn't seem to have arrived yet, so Steve went in and got himself a seat in the back.

 

Steve was already in a terrible mood when the loudmouth in front of him wouldn't stop yelling at the screen. Did he not realize how lucky he was to still be in this country? While others were fighting for them to have this freedom? Steve couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore. He just hoped Bucky's training would pay off.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's family acted exactly as expected, pinching him, prodding him, asking why he hadn't married yet. "I'm waiting for the right partner," he'd tell them, and his father would huff and shake his head. Sometimes the brunette wondered if the old man knew about his secret. His father had always watched him like a hawk, grooming him as best he could for family life. His mother wasn't as harsh, often having quiet conversations with him after her husband had turned in for the night, or after he'd gone to work. Bucky was sure she was the reason he'd not become as gruff as his father. He was grateful for it, because the softness she'd instilled in him was what prompted him to look after Steve in the first place. His father's instinct would have been to let the weakling get swallowed up by the cruelty of stronger children, but his mother knew that true strength couldn't be measured by the physical. 

 

It'd taken everything in him not to cry when she did, running her fingers through his neatly clipped hair, brushing a thumb over his newly shaved jaw. She spoke of how proud she was, but the real proof was in her eyes. The same could even be said for his father. It must have been one of the first times the man had ever shown true interest in his son. Of course it took losing his son to a war for him to realize what he had. Bucky tried not to be bitter, but it was something he'd been living with for some time. 

 

When various family members began to depart he left his parents to catch up with the remainder, promising to wake them before he left in the morning. It was a brisk walk to the theater, and he was preparing himself for the most difficult goodbye of all. He was sure Steve would be a bit sore at him for being late, but the blonde couldn't stay angry at him. In fact, Bucky couldn't remember Steve ever having more than a flash of anger in his eyes for him in all the years they'd known one another. He wasn't worried. 

 

As he approached the movie theater he heard the all too familiar sound of a fight, one that wasn't going too well as usual. Sighing to himself Bucky upped his step, turning the corner just in time to glimpse Steve crumpling to the ground. The sight made his blood boil, and in a flash he was on the guy, tossing him down the alley with a cliche and a kick. Steve seemed to be alright. Still, it was eating him up not reaching over to wipe the blood from Steve's lip, or to brush him off… But he knew Steve hated it when he looked weak in front of his friend, so Bucky acted aloof, instead picking up the papers the blonde had dropped in the grime beneath them. 

 

What followed was yet another miserable conversation about Steve's attempts at enlistment, but thankfully this one was brief and didn't turn into an argument. He didn't want their last night together to be tainted by a falling out. So he let it go, focusing on their plans. He'd promised Connie a dance, and Steve a date. He'd be surprising him after the show. Just as he always did Steve brushed off the dust, lifted his head and acted as though he hadn't just had his bell rung. Bucky knew his friend was seeing stars, but he didn't push it, instead wrapping an arm around the small body and leading him back into the dark of the theater. He dropped the enlistment rejection, thinking on how there were at least 6 of them in the memory box already. More for himself than Steve. He knew it'd matter one day, even if it was a touchy issue for them currently. "First, our last picture," he whispered with a smirk, changing the subject while fighting to keep the sadness threatening to swallow him whole at bay. 

 

In the shadows he found Steve's hand, only allowing himself to curl his pinkie finger alone around Steve's own. When the blonde looked at him he didn't respond, acting as though he was absorbed in the flick. Really though his heart was thudding heavy in his chest, his ears almost deafened by it, his sole focus on the slight physical connection between them. Tightening his small grip he steeled himself and took in the movie, shocked by how much it echoed his emotions. He knew it wasn't gonna do him any good to cry his eyes out like a baby in a full theater, and it'd only make Steve feel bad. So he did what he could to distract himself, going over his plans for the evening, squeezing Steve's pinkie from time to time, anything to keep the tears from spilling. 

 

It worked, and soon they were shuffling out of the building, the film having hit a little too close to home. "As much as a girl loves a tough guy, we better see to that mug before she meets you. And you can't go to a fancy place like this without combing your hair first," Bucky teased Steve gently, not wishing to hit a nerve. It didn't take too long to clean him up, the blonde looked good in his borrowed clothes. "That's one of my best shirts, don't let my mother down by getting into another scruff in it," Bucky joked with a playful jab, catching Steve's tie in his big hand. 

 

"I remember when you got this, that art fair before college. You were so sure it'd make an impression on the teacher…" Bucky couldn't stifle his laughter, letting the fabric drop to hang against Steve's chest. "It made an impression alright. He took what, a half hour to express his distaste?" The brunette took a deep breath and a smile settled on his face, echoed in his gaze, "Really set the mood for class. You know I love this tie," the words hung in the air for a hot minute before Bucky was clearing his throat, shooing them out the door. "C'mon…Don't wanna be late."

 

The expo was huge, all lights and metal and people dressed up like they were going to Hollywood. His uniform kept getting him looks but he didn't care, their time together was quickly running out and soon the girls would be stealing Steve's attention away. He hoped Bonnie was good to Steve. If she wasn't, he wouldn't be there to do anything about it. In seconds he was grabbed up, Connie pressing her hand forcibly into his, eyeing Steve for a breath before ignoring him. Bucky barely had a chance to introduce Bonnie before Connie dragged him off, making him struggle to catch his friend's eyes in the bustling crowd. Bonnie gave Steve a once over and her expression told of her disappointment. But there wasn't any time to give the guy a hand. 

 

Mr.Stark's flying car was impressive, like something out of a dream or a fancy movie, and Bucky felt a thrill of excitement to be alive in that moment. The things that were possible, the things he and Steve would live to see in their lifetimes… It was just what he needed to get his mind off of where he was headed. But when he turned to get his friend's opinion the smaller man was gone. It didn't take long to gather where he'd ran off to. Uncle Sam hovered over the masses in his well-lit glory, beaconing Steve and baiting him. Bucky was ready to toss his cover at the offensive poster and throw a fit. 

 

When he caught up to him, Steve was admiring another enlistment mural, and it took immense restraint for Bucky not to kick the wall down. He gave the blonde a push, as though that might knock some sense into him, and reminded him why they were there. Steve brushed him off, his posture telling the brunette everything he needed to know about his friend's intentions. "Are you really gonna do this again?" Here it was, his worst fear was coming true. He could feel the anger bubbling up even as he struggled to keep a level head. Why did Steve want to risk his life? It'd been a god damned miracle he'd survived childhood with all his ailments. Bucky had fought illness after illness, near worrying himself to an early grave when Steve had caught flu and had a fever hot enough to heat the room. And there Steve was trying to throw his hard fought life away. 

 

Words were flying out of his mouth before he could even consider them, this dance was so old, he didn't even have to think. "This isn't some back alley Steve, this is war!"  Bits and pieces of their argument were reaching his ears, the rest fell victim to the ringing that accompanied his building rage. Their heated exchange was cut short by the girls calling out to him, and he snapped his jaw shut when he'd realized he'd crossed the line when he'd said, 'Right, cause you got nothing to prove.' The look on Steve's face had said it all. He'd hit that nerve all right. Dead shot. He knew he was running, but the shame he felt in that moment nipped at his heels and made it easier to walk away. He was certain he'd ruined everything in a few shortsighted breaths. 

 

But as he backed off, a curl of hope unfolded in his heavy heart, even though he couldn't look Steve in the eye until the last second. "Don't do anything stupid until I get back." As though he'd just realized this might be their very last conversation Steve's entire demeanor changed, and in an instant all he could see was forgiveness and love when the blonde gave his impishly barbed retort, 'How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you'. Bucky knew he was going to cry. He didn't deserve this man's friendship. Bucky could feel his throat tightening around the words even as he felt the pull between them and strode towards him, ducking his head to hide the telltale moisture gathering in his eyes. "You're a punk."

 

Their embrace was all too brief, lasting only a second, though as they parted their hands gravitated towards one another's, they quickly let go as they simultaneously realized where they were. It took all the strength he had left to finally turn his back on the blonde man, forcing himself not to risk a last glance, even though everything in him begged for it. It was already more than he could bear. The rest of the night was a blur, Connie and Bonnie tugging at his arms, twirling about like angels giving him a jolly send off. It didn't stay civil though, as Connie took a moment alone to imply he had a task he should be performing. When he blatantly disregarded the prompt she lost her temper, calling him all manner of names. She struck his chest, scuffed his polished shoes. All he could do was avert his eyes and let it happen, until finally she stalked away with her friend trailing. He thanked his lucky stars he'd never given in to the pressure to pop the question, because she could have raised serious hell then. 

 

All in all the night was a disaster, and he felt empty as hell when he returned home to find everyone sleeping. He woke his parents as he said he would, but he couldn't say goodbye to Steve again. Once was too much. Before he knew it he was gone, off away to fight for his country in a war that day by day was more horrible than anyone could have imagined in their darkest nightmares. Still all he could think of was Steve and how lonely he must be. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve gazed up at the man who had helped him to his feet. Seeing Bucky there in his uniform was like something out of a movie. He knew the man would end up being a hero. He couldn't believe his friend was going to ship out so soon. It hurt him that Bucky was pushing so hard to make him stop trying to follow him. It may have seemed like a simple decision to Buck, but Steve needed to go. There was no longer any question in his mind. But he was quickly running out of options.

 

Steve was quiet through the film, too focused on the contact Bucky was giving him to pay much attention to the story. Though he nearly cried out at the end, the idea of regret having been heavy on his mind. The younger man had nearly forgotten how shaken and disheveled he'd become. He was glad to let his friend groom him, though he wasn't looking forward to the double date. Steve had too much on his mind to focus on meeting new people. He held his tie in his hand. He thought about the way Bucky looked at him, and how he'd never forgive himself if he never got the chance to see it again.

 

As they entered the expo, Bucky's comments kept coming back to girls. Steve didn't have to give it a second thought. He'd never be able to be happy with some dame while he knew all those men were overseas, including his best friend. Still he tried to plaster on a smile as they met up with the ladies. He walked a pace behind the others as they looked around. His mind was too preoccupied to get excited though. It wasn't until Steve saw another enlistment poster that he found something worth checking out.

 

Steve was running out of precious time to take action, so he was willing to do whatever was necessary. He should have known Bucky would catch him again, but he had no excuse. He had to finally let it all out. Try to explain why he needed to join the army. He was still trying to understand his own motivations, but he didn't know how else to get the brunette to understand. Bucky had to know it wasn't about proving himself. He could see the exasperation in his friend's eyes. All he could do was take a jab at him when he walked away. But all the fury melted away when Bucky came back for a hug. "Jerk..." As much as they fought, they both knew it was never anything they couldn't get past. He only hoped they'd be lucky enough to get past this.

 

As upset as Steve had been, he still walked into that recruitment office, almost as if in spite of Bucky's resistance. Little did he know he'd be packing his things that night getting ready for boot camp. He could barely sleep, but he pretended when Bucky came home, hiding his suitcase under the bed. The last thing he wanted was another fight before they left. There was no way Buck would let him go easy.

 

Steve was looking forward to the camaraderie of his fellow recruits as they went through training together. The fact that all they did was laugh at him failed to diminish his spirits, however. Dr. Erskine had given him a chance for a reason and he wasn't going to let the man down. Not if it meant getting to do something worthwhile. The fact that a strong and beautiful woman like Carter was giving him the time of day was a pleasant distraction as well, though he knew he had larger goals to focus on.

 

By the time the doctor explained to him that he would be receiving this procedure, and the reasons why, Steve was beginning to understand that he may be playing a much larger role in this war than he'd ever imagined. He didn't think he'd be that useful, but the way everyone talked about the project, it was like they expected him to single-handedly take out the nazis. But Steve just wanted to do his part for his country, and hopefully make Bucky proud when they both made it home together. He always kept an ear out for news on the 107th. He had to find him. Or at least make sure he was okay.

 

Since focusing on the whereabouts of Bucky would have driven him crazy, Steve was happy that he felt comfortable enough with Erskine and Carter to open up to them. It wasn't easy for him to let his guard down with anyone but his best friend. It felt good to have more people he felt he could trust. After all, he trusted them enough to pump experimental drugs into his body. The procedure was terrifying, but thinking about being home in Brooklyn with Bucky was enough to keep him going. He had to keep fighting, no matter what.

 

Steve couldn't believe what he'd become. Earlier that day he'd been struggling to step into a car a foot off the ground. Now he was running full speed down the street, using super strength to take down a Hydra agent. He'd already lost one of his new friends, and he wasn't going to let the scumbag get away. He hadn't even left the country, and he'd already had two men die in his arms. Steve suddenly realized how serious this war had become. And the sooner he got to Bucky, the better.

 

Dressing up in a shiny blue suit and putting on shows for families wasn't exactly what Steve thought he'd be doing after all his training, but he'd had little choice in the matter. Erskine was dead, and nobody was willing to risk putting an experimental super soldier on the front lines. He figured he might as well be where he was wanted. Do something to support his country, degrading as it was. He'd rather be getting attention for something good than being feared by all the people he'd been ready to fight alongside.

 

Of course, all of that went out the window the second he heard Peggy mention the 107th. Had that Hydra bastard gotten to Bucky? He had to be sure. Colonel Phillips' "maybe" wasn't enough. Thankfully he had friends in Peggy Carter and Howard Stark. Friends who were willing to risk their own lives to help him. He knew the only way he could thank them was to get those men out alive. He didn't know what he was doing. He'd never been in a real fight. But if there was ever a time to fight for what he cared for, it was this.

 

Steve steeled himself as he prepared to jump out of the plane. "I'm coming, Buck."

 


	3. Chapter 3

  
  
  
  


All the training in all the world wouldn't have been able to prepare him for the things he saw once he was on the field. His first day as a sniper and his spotter took one to the eye, dropped dead right beside him. After the Brits had had great success with their sniper program the United States decided to up their game. Bucky and his partner had been at the heels of a seasoned scout, far ahead of the lines, picking out a spot when they lost sight of him and hunkered down to wait it out. It was the worst idea they could have made, as only a minute after they dropped, spotter Smith dropped for the final time. 

 

A warm spray of red spattered across his cheek and Bucky felt like his heart was trying to claw its way up his throat. He scrambled from their failed position and crawled through the thorny brush, praying that the other sniper wasn't high enough above to still see him. He felt like any minute it'd all go black and that'd be it. No more Bucky Barnes. But it never came. There was a pop and a crack, the rustle of a scuffle and one more pop before silence. Untangling the spotter's binoculars from his arm he shaded them, peeking through the bushes to see his scout patting down what must have been the German sniper and his spotter. But if they were there, their line wasn't too far off. Bucky was a little terrified to find that despite his lingering fear, his instinct was to locate that line and retaliate. 

 

He'd ended up saving the scouts life when the Germans showed up not long after, and without blinking he took out more than he could count on one hand before realizing he needed to move. He'd adequately startled them though, because he and his scout got out of there before they dared to advance. It got easier as time went on, but not easy enough. Bucky began to feel like something terrible was coming as more and more of his fellow soldiers fell and he remained unscathed. Dugan told him to quit dwelling on it, it was bad luck, and would slide his finger slick-like around the edge of his prominent bowler hat. A habit Bucky soon realized was superstitious and happened more frequently than not. 

 

In one of the few bright spots of the war, Bucky got his best advice from a spitfire of a woman, one he'd had the initial misfortune of hitting on unsuccessfully one day when they'd run into a band of French Resistance. "Nice try Yank, but this Nancy can spot another from a mile away," she'd raised a brow at him pointedly, and his smile had faded from his face almost instantly when he realized she knew he was indeed a  _ nancy boy _ . She was quick to reassure him, grabbing his limp hand and placing it on her hip when wandering eyes found them and contained too much interest. "No matter, we can help each other out. This way we're both invisible," she'd pretended to kiss him, instead using the shelter of their embrace to whisper to him. 

 

"We're better than these wanks any day, and no mistake. I've heard about you, I'm sure you've heard about me. They don't know though, do they? Nah, if they did, you wouldn't be wasting your time on little ol' me. Look pal, I don't have time for their petty skirt chasing bullshit. I'm gonna win this war, but to do that I need eyes off me, got it? Move your hand and lose it," she threatened as he attempted to remove his grip from her body. "As long as I'm on your arm they're satisfied. Seems a woman can't be bothered to kill blokes for the cause, they all think I'm a secretary," she snorted into his shoulder, then proceeded to tell him every detail of tactics she'd collected on the enemy. 

 

Bucky found himself enthralled, the woman didn't bat an eye as she was whistled at and manhandled, she didn't give the offending men the grace of a glance. Nancy knew he wasn't buying what she was selling in the physical sense, which is why she'd latched onto him. "Case and point, you've been pressed against me for over an hour and not a twitch," she nudged her thigh gently against his crotch, and he had to laugh because really… she was right. They traded stories of their secret lives, and commiserated over how once the war was over, they'd both be ushered back to their niches and expected to act a certain way. Bucky was glad he'd found someone he could talk to about it, even for a minute or two. Even if he didn't give her any details. She understood. She was in a unique position to understand. No one took a woman or a fruit seriously, especially in war time. 

 

It was a short meeting, supply and info, but they'd made their impression on the guys. Gabe gave him a flamboyant thumb's up, and Dugan wouldn't stop grinning. It was a little unsettling really. He made up ridiculous nonsense for them to swallow, keeping up appearances, but shot them down when they likened her to a pleasant distraction. Bucky let them know what a brilliant soldier she was, and passed on her intelligence with a seriousness that made the men drop the pretense and take note. No one was gonna say a bad word about Nancy Wake while Bucky was around. 

  
  
  


Private Reggie Atwater was the first person Bucky ever told about Steve… in the romantic sense. He'd caught the guy with another private, all hands and lips and heat, and he'd known. Reggie had been terrified he'd tell, but Bucky carefully assured him it wasn't a problem. The dark-haired man had been concerned it might be a trap, as the military loved to bait queers and kick them to the curb or worse, but it was a bit too intimate to be a ploy. As fellow undesirables, Bucky and the redheaded boy became fast friends.

 

When the dust settled and they had some time alone, Bucky had spilled. The kid was barely 18, not much younger than him, but young enough. He felt he had to reassure the boy, after all he had enough to worry about. They'd had a few drinks, Bucky was feeling low, lost and lonely after so long away from home. "He used to hold me," he smiled sadly, dragging long fingers through his own hair, a nervous habit but it reminded him of how Steve used to pet him after. "That little guy, like a scarecrow, but when he'd do that I'd never felt more at ease. Like nothing could touch me." Bucky went quiet then, dwelling on the memories, and Reggie took his turn to speak, voice so young and a little in awe.

 

"Sounds like you're sweet on the guy, but, really sweet. Not just play pals. Did he know?" 

 

The question startled Bucky something fierce, his chest aching sharply, causing him to rub at it absently. As if he could massage out the pain. Bucky's instinct was to lash out, but the innocence in the private's coffee brown eyes softened his anger at his own weakness. "Nah. Nah… he…I mean, what could I say? 'Hey buddy, I know you just lost your mom, and I'm heading' to war but , I think I'm fruity for you?' Nah, I couldn't do that to him. And anyway, he likes dames. Always talked about gettin' himself a girl." Bucky shrugged. Reggie bit his lip before speaking, 

 

"Maybe he was following your lead? You're a natural, sergeant. Always going on about broads, flirtin' like it's your only business. I don't think you even realize it. Unless, you know, unless you like … both?" 

 

Bucky laughed, running a hand over his now blushing face. "I never thought about it. Just had keep the eyes off me, ya know? Besides, I always ended up comparing them to Steve and coming up short. I just. I dunno, he's the one person I ever imagined when I thought about stuff like that. Girls are fun but, whenever I thought about a home life, it was him." Bucky nibbled at his lips in thought, going over all the times he let himself daydream about his future. He had to shrug himself out of it. "I sound like a girl. God, I sound so stupid. I think I drank too much," he scrubbed at his face with his hands, making to stand. "What I'm trying' ta say is, don't worry your pretty little head, Reg. Bein' in the same boat an' all… Your secret's safe with me, kid. Just don't get caught."  

 

It wasn't long after that when Bucky heard Reggie Atwater had indeed been caught, and all he could think was that the kid probably blamed him. As far as he knew, he was the only one Reg had confided in. But it didn't matter, Bucky still felt responsible. It only made him more determined to keep quiet about his errant feelings. 

  
  


A few days later he and his squad were surrounded and captured by what looked like something out of a science fiction novel. They'd barely put up a fight before it had them hitting the ground in defeat. Bucky didn't want to admit it, but he was scared. The weapons they were seeing were impossible, the armor and everything else were unlike anything they'd seen before. Dugan had joked they were being invaded by space men, and all Bucky could do was order their surrender and swallow his fear as they were processed into the camp. 

 

Not long after they were crowded into cages men came poking around, tugging and tossing them around as they waded through them like cattle. One of the guards grabbed Gabe by the neck and Bucky didn't have to think about it, he cracked the guy across the jaw and let him know what he thought of Nazis. In a flash other guards were on him, dragging him out into the open, one of them twisting gloved fingers into his shaggy hair, yanking his head back to get a good look at his wild flashing eyes. He said something that made Bucky's stomach turn then, but it didn't matter, as he was thankfully let go of a moment later. Dugan shouted what sounded like nonsense as he was lead out of the dark dank holding area, and he was ashamed to find he was too weak to put up much of a fight. 

 

Bucky could only imagine the horrors he was about to be exposed to. The only blessing was that Steve was safe, far away back at home, and would never know the wretched turmoil of the war, or how bad things were getting. 

  
  
  
  


Steve had been hoping that Schmidt's men wouldn't expect anyone to be dumb enough to attack their base single-handed. Thankfully he was right. He picked off the guards one by one as he made his way through, searching for the captured soldiers. He needn't have been so anxious. Now that his strength was so overpowered, and his reflexes faster than lightning, they didn't stand a chance.

 

Steve felt a wave of relief when he finally saw the holding cells below him. He made quick work of the guard and greeted the men as he set them free. His eyes scanned every single face, but there was no Bucky. He couldn't waste anymore time, so he left them to fend for themselves. He had no shortage of trust that the American army could hold their own. And he had to know what had happened to Bucky. His friend had to still be alive, and probably needed Steve's help, so the super soldier moved on.

 

The base was starting to feel like a labyrinth. Steve combed through every room, which were mostly free of guards, what with them being too busy fighting the escapees. Eventually he saw a face that wasn't covered by a Hydra helmet. A short stocky man with glasses. He had panic on his face as he ran in the opposite direction. Steve didn't bother chasing him, instead looking inside the room he had just left. It was full of all kinds of experimental equipment, but all Steve could see was the gurney in the center of the room and the man who lay upon it with a very familiar head of thick brown hair.

 

"Bucky!" Steve hurried to free his friend. He couldn't believe it was really him. His friend was still alive. Tears were welling up in his eyes. What had that man done to his Bucky? He helped the brunette up, his heart warm feeling Bucky's skin against his again after all this time. But there was no time for more than a quick embrace. They had to leave now or they'd both be dead. He could see the confusion on his friend's face. The only explanation he could think of was "I joined the army!"

 

As the two friends escaped the base, Steve did his best to explain to Bucky what had led him there. He realized how much he had changed since they'd last seen each other. There would be time enough for catching up later. But before they could make it to the exit, they were stopped in their tracks. Steve recognized the two men. One, the man with glasses he had seen leaving Bucky, and the other, Johann Schmidt. Steve wanted to end the both of them right then and there. He didn't know what they had done to Bucky and his men, but he knew it couldn't have been good. The Hydra men ran before he could get to them, however, and the building was quickly collapsing around them.

 

The way out was in front of them, but all that was left of the bridge was a flimsy metal beam hovering over a sea of flames. Before Steve could say anything, Bucky was making his way across. He wanted so badly to help his friend, but it most certainly couldn't hold the weight of them both. Steve's heart skipped a beat when he saw the beam give under Bucky. Thankfully the brunette was spry enough to get across, but the beam was gone. Steve gazed across the chasm and he swore he could see the glint in Bucky's eyes. He'd come here to save his best friend. As long as he'd done that, he'd be happy. "Just go! Get out of here!" But it was clear that Bucky was never going to leave without him. So Steve once again put his trust in Captain America, and leapt over the fire.

 

Steve just barely caught the railing on the other side and pulled himself up. "Well if you insist." He clapped his friend on the back and hurried him out the door and away from the building before it exploded and collapsed in flames. The battle had died down. What few Hydra soldiers were left had retreated after their leader flew away in his rocket. Steve felt so relieved, but before he could give Bucky the embrace he'd been waiting for, the two of them were swarmed by the rest of the 107th. "Holy shit!" blurted Dugan. 

 

As the adrenaline died down, Steve suddenly realized what he'd done. He'd gone in there on his own and freed Bucky from Schmidt and that weird doctor. And now everyone was looking at him like he was a hero. He was used to the looks. The ladies at the Captain America shows always reacted that way. But this was the first time he felt like he'd actually earned it. And it felt good. These men were looking at him to be a leader. He'd never led as much as a marching band, let alone an infantry. He was fairly certain he knew what to tell them at that moment though. "All right, fellas. Let's get back to base. Unless any of you can find a radio, it looks like we're gonna have to hoof it."

 

Steve turned to see Bucky standing slightly beside him, still looking dazed and confused. He put an arm around his friend's shoulder and smiled. "And you and I have some catching up to do."

  
  
  
  
  


((November 1943))

 

Blinding lights, then pitch black dark, over and over again, paired with jumbled words, stinging needles and gentle touches. It was enough to drive Bucky mad. All he could do was try to distance himself from it, repeating his name, his numbers… dreaming of Steve. It was like a nightmare roller coaster that had no end. He didn't know which way was up, was he standing? Sitting? Asleep? Awake? Sometimes all he could do was scream, the pain was so intense, and he'd no idea where he was, if he was even alive… 

 

Bucky didn't know how  much time had passed, but it felt like an eternity in hell. Though he'd never been much for religion, he found himself praying from time to time, or begging the figures that stooped over him to tell him anything, say anything. But all they did was interrogate him or ignore him. What did they want? He didn't know anything. He didn't know where Nancy was, he had never met Lyudmila… But still the questions kept coming, and still he could only repeat his conscripted information. 

 

"Sergeant… Barnes… three - two… five… five… seven…" There was a hand on him. But this one was different. Bucky clawed his way through the layers of heavy dark, after a moment realizing his eyes were already open. They stung from the dryness, and he blinked languidly as he attempted to focus them on the man above him. But then, a voice. But it couldn't be. There was no way… His heart fluttered and his chest warmed through and through. It had to be a hallucination. 

 

"Steve!"

 

Strong arms gathered him up, and all at once he felt light as a feather and heavy as the Empire State building. Bucky stumbled, crushing into the solid form holding him up, blinking rapidly as he felt the definite caress of a careful palm cupping his face. Had he imagined it? Steve was never so bold with him. He was losing his mind.  The moment didn't last though, and soon he was fumbling along behind his friend, awed and disoriented. His legs felt like jelly, his head pounded something fierce. He reached for Steve's now large figure leading him down the shadowy halls, trying to keep on his unsteady feet. His friend was always too far ahead, but it kept Bucky moving knowing he was there. 

 

The brunette felt so feeble, like all the life had been drained out of him, he could sleep for a year. But he didn't want Steve to worry, Bucky couldn't bear for the man to see him so weak. So he powered on, leaning on anything that could support him when he got the chance, trying to keep on his feet even though the floor kept shifting under him like it was made of water. As they went Bucky got a chance to look Steve over, and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. It had to be a dream. There was no way this was his little best friend… but it was. 

  
  


Nearly collapsing against the railing he watched as Steve had words with Schmidt, and though it was an odd time for it he was flooded with memories of all the times he'd stood up for Steve in their short lives. Everything was so backwards it was messing with his already fuzzy head. Now he was the one being saved, he was the one needing help. In a flurry of action things were falling apart all around them, and soon Steve was telling him to leave him behind… and how could he? In all their years joining the army was the only time they'd been apart, and it wasn't voluntary. Could Steve think he would abandon him? It wasn't a trend he intended to start. 

 

Moments later they were making their escape as the facility burned, all the weapons and technology lost to the fire, save for a few things they could carry. Bucky squared his shoulders and grabbed a gun, following his friend without letting on how much pain he was in. He needed to prove he was still reliable. When they were able to meet up with the survivors Bucky was relieved to see his friends had made it, Gabe especially. Dugan looked genuinely surprised at the whole ordeal, which in itself was a shock. The others were scruffed up but they were alive. 

 

The march back to camp was long, and there wasn't much left after the fire for them to pick up, so they saw getting back as fast as possible as the best option. Bucky clenched his jaw and did his best to keep up, finding that after a while he couldn't feel the hurt anymore. Steve kept glancing at him like he couldn't believe he was there, and Bucky got that. It'd been ages. He was absolutely floored by the new Steve. His confidence had always been there but now he had a body to match it, tall and proud and perfect. The brunette was torn between his exhaustion, his disbelief, and his inappropriate attraction. But then Steve put his arm around him and for the first time, held his gaze. It felt like he was really seeing him after so many long lonely months.  "Yeah, no kidding," Bucky snorted in response, once the group started to move, and eyed the treeline, "I'll introduce you to the local watering hole when we get back."

 

When they finally reached camp he was ready for a shower, food, and a cot. But his fatigue had lost out to his adrenaline, especially since the night promised the first time he'd get to talk to Steve since they parted in New York, and there was no way in hell he was going to miss it. Just as Bucky was prepared to open up, however, a dark fancy broad showed up and Steve was a goner. The man was so at attention Bucky was afraid his back might snap. Feeling the unfamiliar tug of jealousy lancing through his chest he frowned, eyeing her with distaste despite himself. It wasn't anything new, but he'd just got Steve back and he was looking forward to some one on one. 

 

Calling the boys to cheer he  broke up their little amorous show a bit vindictively, his bright smile falling pointedly when Steve looked away from him, though it didn't make him feel any better even when the woman made her exit. "I'm gonna go clean up, I'll meet you back here in an hour," Bucky told his friend without meeting his eyes, afraid his anger might be too obvious in his unfiltered expression. He took his time preparing to face the man he used to know so well, feeling shaky despite himself, like he was going on his first real date … with a man. It was stupid though, he was just working himself up for failure. It was clear Steve had a little birdie he was already sweet on. Bucky was out of the picture for a few months and Steve was doing more than alright for himself. Maybe he was the problem all along. 

 

Dugan and the boys insisted on getting a chance to properly thank the insane guy that had dragged them out of hell all by his lonesome, so Bucky gave them a wave and told them where he'd be. He needed some time alone to drown his sorrows. Maybe if he was drunk enough it wouldn't hurt so bad. Maybe he could talk some sense into himself. But when Steve joined him at the bar his heart reacted like he'd guzzled 15 cokes in under a minute. Bucky was careful not to let on though, making small talk as best he could. All that came out though were painfully obvious flirtations, and he could see that Steve wasn't missing them this time. Bucky didn't know what he'd missed in the time they'd been separated, but it had been life-changing, and that fact made his chest ache something awful.  

 

As if sensing things were quickly getting somewhere between them that woman showed up again, wearing the most blatant 'come get me' get up Bucky'd seen outside of Broadway or Hollywood. It was hard to miss the way Steve's eyes wandered wistfully over her dolled up body, and Bucky could swear he felt his heart drop straight down to the soles of his feet. He felt sick. All those months writing to Steve, wishing he could see his face again, hear his voice, feel his hands… And this little trollop was making a move and working Steve like a god-damned sock puppet. The brunette was upset and ashamed at his resentful and cruel gut reaction, doing his best to keep civil despite the copious amounts of alcohol demanding that he make a scene, as though it would really fix anything that was happening. 

 

Not long after she'd arrived she was gone, and Steve's eyes followed, unabashed. "I'm invisible," Bucky blurted, beyond hurt, but covered it up by rambling on about their change in status. Suddenly, he was the one begging for scraps. Not that he wanted anything she was offering. Steve would never understand. His envy wasn't for her attentions, but the blonde would likely see it that way. Unable to fathom drinking another sip, Bucky shoved his glass away, and made a discreet grab for the belt of Steve's uniform. 

 

"Hey why don't we get out of here? I can't hear a damn thing in here and we've got a lot to talk about. You gotta tent right? Your own private tent, Captain America?" his inebriation was obvious but his eyes were clear from the pain of his unfortunate revelation. There was nothing he wanted more in that moment than to hear what Steve had to say. 

  
  
  


As Steve marched back to camp with Bucky by his side and four hundred men behind them, he prepared himself for the possibility that he'd be court-martialed as soon as they arrived, but he was sure they'd understand. Thankfully, Colonel Phillips and Agent Carter welcomed him with open arms. And nothing could prepare him for the uproar of applause led by his friend Bucky. Steve was so overwhelmed with emotion that he could scarcely look at the man.

 

Steve debriefed with Carter and met up with his new army friends before meeting up with Bucky. He always knew there were brave men out here, but these guys were unbelievable. They'd fought alongside Steve after barely meeting him, and now they were willing to join his plan to fight against Hydra. He felt so lucky to have gained their friendship. He bought them one more round before heading over to where Bucky was waiting.

 

Steve could tell that Bucky had been drinking. The brunette slumped onto the stool next to him. Steve was still trying to get used to looking down instead of up at his best friend. He hoped it hadn't damaged their relationship at all, so he asked if Bucky would be joining the fight, wanting desperately not to have him leave again. As was always the case, his friend cracked jokes about him. Steve was just waiting for him to say something about the stupid blue suit. He had had enough of it anyway. It wasn't like anyone was expecting him to wear it anymore. But he'd let Bucky get a jab in first. What he heard instead surprised him. Did Bucky really like it? Or was this another one of his pranks? Steve could see in his friend's eyes that he was serious. "You know what?" He barely had to think about it to completely change his mind, "It's kinda growin' on me."

 

Hanging with Bucky, Steve was finally starting to feel like a kid again when Peggy Carter walked in. Steve jumped to his feet, and the shift in gears necessary made him flustered. He didn't want to be rude to her but he was too focused on Bucky to give her the time of day. So he brushed her off as smoothly as he could, hoping in the back of his mind that Bucky would be impressed by how he could talk to girls now. When she walked away, Steve was surprised to see that Bucky looked hurt. He felt like such an ass. He knew he should have introduced them. What was he thinking? All he could think to say was that maybe she had a friend. He couldn't believe what he was saying. He didn't want Bucky to think he was some sort of playboy now. But the blonde was relieved when his friend suggested they go to his bunk together. He couldn't stay in this noisy bar any longer. "Yeah. Let's go. I'll show you the way."

 

After he led Bucky into his tent, Steve followed him inside and closed the door. He took a deep breath. "So, are we okay?" The blonde locked eyes with his friend. "Look, Buck. I know things are different now, but I don't want things to be different between us. You're the reason I'm here now. I didn't let them make me like this because I wanted to be some super hero. I did it because I couldn't imagine how miserable my life would have been in Brooklyn without you. Going to school, sitting alone in my room, waiting to hear from you. That's not who I am Buck. Not anymore." Steve put a hand on his friend's shoulder. "I couldn't have done any of this if you hadn't given me the strength I needed to keep going."

  
  
  


Bucky was doing what he could manage to keep the wretched feelings at bay, after all it wasn't Steve's fault that he was a needy fucking nancy. It wasn't like they had an agreement or anything. They'd been kids, they'd messed around. It wasn't a god damned contract. But the months on the front hadn't been kind to him, and Bucky hadn't heard from his friend the entire time. Still, he didn't want to ruin things between them, so he held his tongue. Steve obviously didn't see it as an offense that he hadn't written back, and what could Bucky really say about it? He didn't even remember what he'd said in most of the letters, but it was probably terribly embarrassing. Maybe it was better if he didn't bring it up.

 

Bucky looked around the large decorated tent curiously, noting the drawings pinned to the canvas walls, the pencil box carefully tucked away in a shelf, sheltered. It sat atop a stack of clean paper, and Bucky scoffed a bit. Steve was living the life. Fan mail and gifts were scattered about, and the man had a collection of mighty soft quilts that the brunette ran his hand over appreciatively. "Maybe I should get into the bond business," he mumbled teasingly, giving Steve a brief smirk. 

 

But then his friend was staring him down, the seriousness in his voice sobering Bucky a bit. He paused to collect himself before answering, not quite sure what Steve was worried about. Everything he was saying, it was too much. Bucky couldn't even begin to process it. He gave a tight-lipped smile and a heavy pat to Steve's broad chest, shaking his head and avoiding eye contact. "We're fine pal, you got nothing to worry about. I'm just… happy for you, is all. She's a looker, a real looker. I dunno what you did to reel her in, but, nice work buddy." 

 

Bucky stepped away from the younger man then, taking a minute to let it all sink in. Steve had done everything in his power to get there, to put his life on the line despite everything Bucky had ever said on the matter, and after all he'd accomplished there wasn't much he could say about it. "There's no point in arguing about it, you're here now and… well, you saved my life so what can I really say?" The brunette gave in and lifted his sullen blue eyes after a breath, the conflicting emotions roiling inside him mixed with alcohol making everything feel so much more desperate and vivd. And after so long there was his best friend, the one person who really knew him, practically begging for his approval… The change in him was unmistakable, almost magical, and Bucky was having trouble making any real sense of any of it. 

 

"I guess you're part of the team now. The guys already love you, and that's no small thing. So you'll be needing a buddy. And Gabe seems awful keen on bringing Morita into the fold so I guess I'm your man," Bucky flashed a guarded smile, still feeling a little off. It was all so surreal, Steve being there, looking like he did. Bucky still wasn't sure he was awake. After all the time apart he wasn't sure where they stood… on anything really. They hadn't spoken since the night before he left for the army, and it scared him. It helped that the liquid courage still ran heavy through his veins, it prodded him forward, breaking through the awkwardness and not allowing him to rethink his forwardness. 

 

"I haven't given you a proper welcome yet," Bucky bit his lip and looked up at his friend through his dark lashes, a twinge of fear trickling through him as he realized what he was doing was a really bad idea. He may have known Steven Grant Rogers of Brooklyn a few months ago, but this guy was a whole new deal. It didn't stop him though, as he was so twisted up about it he couldn't help himself, he felt like he had to do something, anything. He was so frustrated and afraid. Bucky was glad his friend was back, but he didn't recognize him. He'd missed him more than he knew anyone could miss a person, but Steve had someone else. He'd always been the one Steve looked up to, but now he was the one looking up. He wanted the blonde to be safe and carefree, but here he was taking on a whole army by himself… 

 

Bucky felt as though his chest might explode, the tension there was too much, but he reached out anyway. Swallowing his fear he latched on to the tiny bit of hope clinging to his heartstrings as he moved closer still, palms sweaty when they came into contact with the thick lapels of Steve's pristine uniform. Gripping the weighty material tightly he used them to pull the tall man down to his level, hesitating for only a second before he tipped his head up and stole a kiss, fully expecting to get knocked into next week. 

 

It was a huge risk. If Steve didn't reciprocate it could go so wrong. Steve could reject his friendship, things would get messy… Or things would go on but they'd always be just off…And then when the war was over Steve would fade away with his lady and that would be that… This Steve might even turn him in and then Bucky's life would be over… But if he did respond in kind it wasn't any guarantee either.  The man could still rip his heart out and not ever realize it. They could get caught, discharged, worse… He knew in his bones none of if mattered, that Steve would never be his… But in that moment Bucky couldn't make himself care about any of that, because this was his truest friend, and it had been so long since anyone had shown him any amount of kindness or affection, and they'd been apart for what felt like a lifetime… 

 

So he let himself feel it, his ribcage barely containing the warmth welling within him, his now slight by comparison body trembling from sheer need, worry and excitement warring. A single tear escaped his tightly closed eyes, but before it could be discovered he wiped it away with his sleeve while sliding a bold hand up to cup the back of Steve's head, reveling in the skin on skin contact he'd been starved of for too long. 

 

Whatever happened, he was all in.

  
  
  


Bucky's guarded response and change of topic was what Steve had come to expect. "What, Peggy? I haven't done anything. She's just been really supportive through this whole ordeal." He saw sadness in his friend's eyes, and he wished he knew what he could do to make things better. It was definitely going to take time before he could see another genuine smile on that man's face. God knew what Bucky had been through under Hydra's capture. It tore Steve up inside to imagine.

 

"Damn right you're my man. I'm not letting you get away again that easily." Finally Steve was beginning to feel like himself again. Bucky still made him more comfortable than anyone else. Free from expectations to be a hero or whatnot. With Bucky he wasn't Captain America. He was just Steve Rogers from Brooklyn. And despite all the new friends he'd made, Bucky was still the best friend he had, and Steve needed him by his side. Wherever they went, they'd go together. The relief Steve felt at not having to worry about his friends whereabouts anymore was world-changing. He might even have been able to actually get a good night's sleep for once. Though it seemed Bucky had another idea.

 

Steve went wide-eyed as he felt the familiar lips on his. Memories came flooding back as he felt the man's hand on the back of his head. At first he didn't know why this was catching him off guard. Wasn't this what they always did when they were alone? Yes, but that was then. It felt like it'd been a decade since they last spent a night together. Then Steve realized he was finally an adult. After he'd lost everything he didn't know how to move forward. He just kept moving hoping things would start to make sense. Now finally he had his own life and could make his own decisions. And he chose Bucky.

 

Reciprocating the kiss, Steve reached his muscular arms around Bucky, cradling him in a way he'd never managed before, rubbing his friend's back and pulling him as close as possible. His hands roamed everywhere. He kissed all over the brunette's face and neck. He'd never felt so sure about anything. Bucky was the person who made him the happiest. Steve clung to him as if the man would escape again should he ever let go. "Bucky..." he moaned, happy his tent was a safe distance from all the others. He had a feeling things might get a little noisy.

  
  
  
  


Bucky had steeled himself for the worst, so when Steve's strong arms settled around him and his mouth pressed into the brunette's he practically melted. Every muscle that had been taut with tension instead shivered in delight, his hands clutching tightly at the other body, as though Steve might realize what he was doing and stop at any moment. _ Please let this be real,  _ Bucky wished with all he had. After the Hydra camp he hadn't felt quite like himself, and he'd been stuck in that hell so long he couldn't be certain anything was actually happening. 

 

Bucky didn't know what he'd been expecting, but it hadn't been this. In the past Steve had been so passive, sitting still as the older man had touched him, rarely reacting to any kiss Bucky dared to steal. It had been understandable, they were kids and they were scared, scared that they'd be labeled and their lives would be over, scared they'd lose each other… It all seemed so silly now. Now that Bucky had watched friends die in gruesome ways… now that he himself had taken lives. 

 

But really, there was more at stake now than ever. Now he could go home with a blue note that would tell everyone he was unemployable, he could be 'reconditioned' if the wrong people got a hold of him. Steve might get a pass because he was basically property of the Army, but Bucky was just a grunt with a gun. In that moment though, he couldn't make himself care. Steve was holding him tightly, raining affection upon his upturned face, and he'd never felt more alive. 

 

Bucky wasn't going to fool himself, he knew it was just sex, but a tiny part of him wanted to pretend it was something else. He knew it was dangerous, but he could control himself. He loved Steve more than anything, he'd sacrifice everything he had before he'd ever let anything happen to him. If this was the only time he was going to be allowed this, he was going to damn well enjoy it like it was the first and last time. It was going to be a first time for sure, but he hoped not the last...

 

Hands tugged and yanked at belts and pants, desperate to get to skin. Things were a bit fuzzy, but he wasn't going to miss a second of any of it. He wanted all of it. In countless fantasies he'd allowed himself to be greedy, to cross lines, to demand what he'd always dreamed Steve would want to give him. Bittersweet emotions threatened to overtake him so he threw himself into the moment, feeling a little crazed in his desperation not to let this gift slip through his fumbling fingers and faltering emotional stability. 

 

At any moment, Steve could change his mind, could decide not to go through with it… "It's been a while, huh?" Bucky's voice only conveyed his confidence and aloofness, a smirk coming to his lips automatically, disguising his nervousness. "Don't worry big guy, I got ya," the brunette wasn't accustomed to Steve's larger form but was excited to explore. He wasn't really sure what he was doing, but he was going to give it all he had. 

 

Pushing Steve back on his far too comfortable bunk Bucky took a second to appreciate the finery, something the front had been sorely lacking for weeks, by taking note of how his fist sank into cloud-like cushion beneath them. "Enjoy the comforts while you got 'em Steve, now you're joining us in hell," Bucky teased, thinking on how he was going to have to likely help the man adjust once they were in the field. Steve was going to have trouble sleeping at first, he was sure. 

 

The older man licked his lips as he bent over his friend, leaning down to capture his mouth as his surprisingly deft hands made quick work of fancy buttons. He kissed and nipped his way down from the corner of Steve's mouth to the firm jaw, the delicate skin underneath, to collar bone to pectoral to lave a slick tongue over a newly exposed nipple. Focused as he was he wanted his friend to remember this, no matter what happened between them afterward. 

 

While he busied his mouth with his friend's torso he ripped at his own shoes, kicking them free as he dipped the tip of his tongue into the dimple of Steve's belly button. A twinge of fear bit at his heart as he pulled the lotion he'd brought out of his pocket. As much experience as he'd earned with his best friend, they'd never dared talk about it or do anything more than hands and lips… Bucky luckily learned an awful lot in his short time in the army, mostly from observing and overhearing. He was too paranoid to talk. It was too risky. 

 

The brunette didn't know if he was entirely ready, but he wasn't going to back down now. It was almost guaranteed that Steve was going to pursue that woman, and this would be all Bucky would have to recall on all the lonely nights to come. Nuzzling into the thicket of hair trailing down the blonde's abdomen, Bucky tenderly kissed the head of the man's already weeping cock, before slipping it into his hungry mouth. With a hum he suckled and stroked, tuning out the sounds of the busy camp around them, wishing only to hear the music spilling from his best friend's lips. 

 

Bucky reveled in the closeness for a few minutes, happily nudging his head into one of Steve's large hands as it distractedly caressed his hair while he pleasured the other man. But this wasn't the end game for them this time, he was determined to give Steve something he was pretty sure no one ever had… So when he was fairly certain he was ready he replaced his mouth with his slicked hand, sliding up beside his friend to engage him in a delightfully deep kiss. Careful to keep the pace scattered and languid he massaged the blonde until he had built himself up. 

 

"I wanted to give you something," Bucky bit his lip, meeting Steve's eyes boldly, though his own showed he was uncertain despite his tone and seemingly practiced actions. Sitting up he straddled the prone man, bare from the waist down, and pressed back against his straining erection. It was pretty clear what he was offering, and he took Steve's hands, settling them on his hips as he waited for an answer. Multitudes of things he could say sprang to his frantic mind, but none of them sounded right, none of them expressed his fears, his desires, none of them were… safe. 

 

The insanity of his situation struck him as he stared down at the larger man, and he felt as though at any moment he could lose his nerve, "No pressure, I just thought, you've never…so maybe…" 

  
  
  


The act felt familiar, yet very different. In the past, Steve barely had any give on Bucky, so he usually let the brunette steer the ship. Now as he let his passion flow and began removing his friend's clothes, he realized that with his current strength, Bucky moved whenever Steve moved him that way. It was a new sense of power that frightened the blonde man, but also gave him confidence to take matters into his own hands. Still, he was used to giving Bucky the reigns, and gladly fell back onto the bed at his partner's command.

 

Steve moaned in agreement as the brunette kissed him. He was definitely comfortable with this. He never thought he would be. He figured he was just going through a phase. That they'd both grow up and find a couple of dames and move on. But now he found himself hoping they could stay like this forever. He could barely contain himself as Bucky teased and undressed him. He writhed in agony as he realized how sensitive he'd become in his abstinence.

 

Steve grabbed a handful of his soft sheets and twisted them as Bucky gave pleasure to his erection. The feeling was overwhelming and he had to stifle a shout that would have surely reached the ears of the entire camp. The super soldier caressed his friend's hair as he gasped for air, finding Bucky's mouth on his once again and struggling to breathe through their kiss but loving every second of it.

 

He didn't know what Bucky could possibly give him. He'd given so much already. Steve felt indebted to him. When he saw his friend get into a new position, he realized what Bucky had meant. It was true, Steve had never actually done anything of the sort. But why should it matter? If he wanted his first time to be special, he couldn't pick anyone more special than Bucky. "Oh, well, I'm up for it. If you're sure." Steve could see in his friend's eyes that he wanted this more than anything, and the blonde was more than willing to give it to him.

 

Steve nodded at Bucky and put his hand on the man's hip. Guiding his cock with the other hand, he slowly pushed himself inside his friend's muscular behind. It was unlike anything he'd ever felt before and he cried out with pleasure. He could barely move for fear he would end things too quickly. He focused on Bucky's face, pulling his head closer to him as they kissed deeply, slowly beginning to thrust in and out. Soon they found a comfortable rhythm, and it was like they were two parts of the same being. It came naturally to Steve, and the ecstasy was unbelievable.

  
  
  
  


Bucky choked back a laugh, surprised at how casual Steve could be in the most life-changing moments. It made his chest ache with emotion. Even so, he could see the younger man was as nervous as he was, maybe moreso. He didn't know why the blonde wasn't saying anything about his questionable offer, so he went with it, his stomach feeling light and fluttery - like it did before a ride at Coney Island. There was no judgement, no interrogation. Forcing himself to relax Bucky nodded back, swallowed his fear and then braced himself, hissing at the initial penetration. 

 

Even with his preparations it was painful, but he'd known it would be. It wasn't entirely about him. Sure, he'd wanted this for as long as he could remember, but it was mostly for Steve. Any day could be their last, and Bucky knew that there was nothing worse than regret. Also Steve had a lady friend that clearly wanted more, and as much as the brunette wanted Steve all to himself, he knew it wasn't happening so why not give him a few lessons? Nothing kept a woman happier than a man that knew what he was doing, especially in the bedroom. 

 

Bucky had had a few dates that were far more eager to find a secluded spot and get his pants off than have a simple milkshake. It'd upset him at first, but after he'd gotten past the general discomfort he'd realized his new reputation was keeping him safe. And it wasn't so bad. If he closed his eyes and used his imagination, it was kinda nice. But here, with Steve, it was terrifying and wonderful all at once. Holding still, he was glad that the other man was not moving right away either because holy cow… he'd never felt such pressure. 

 

Bucky bit his lip, squeezing the hand resting on his hip as he adjusted, trying to breathe, concentrating on relaxing. He didn't want to make Steve wait, but if he didn't there was no way he was going to enjoy it as much as he wanted to. Luckily his friend was patient and didn't move a muscle until the lines on Bucky's face smoothed out and his grip eased. Steve gave an experimental thrust of his hips and the brunette had to clench his jaw shut to keep from shouting, it was like nothing he could have imagined. 

 

For all the years the older man had been fantasizing about it, he'd really had no god damned idea just how sweet it would be. He shuddered from the intensity as the head of Steve's thick cock slid all along his sensitive insides, crying out against the blonde's blood red lips as something particularly electrifying was nudged. Energized by the easy acceptance of his awkward offer Bucky gave himself to the affection being paid to him, using his free hand to cup Steve's flushed cheek as he returned the messy kiss with vigor. Any excuse not to let Steve keep reading his face. There was too much on the line. 

 

Despite his eagerness it still took a few moments to finally loosen up, but when he did he nearly melted from the perfection of their union. "Jesus Stevie," the brunette breathed into his partner's panting mouth, shivering as their coupling became more heated. It was as if they'd done it a thousand times before, the blonde knew just when to rock, just when to thrust, and he angled himself just right to rob Bucky of his breath like it was his business. "You're a god damned natural," he gasped, biting his lips to contain the moans threatening to spill uncontrollably if he gave in even a little bit. 

 

Bucky felt like he was going to come apart, forgetting to be embarrassed as he sat back and rolled his hips into Steve's movements, hands sliding up to brace on the blonde's massive chest. He rode him in earnest then, short nails biting into Steve's steel-like skin, the cock within him hitting his newly discovered sweet spot until he couldn't hold back any longer and came with a shout - which he barely remembered to muffle in time. 

  
  
  


Steve felt reassured at his partner's response to his thrusting, encouraging him to get into it even more. He watched the brunette's face as hands roamed across his torso, scratching him and bringing tingling pleasure to his entire body. He could tell this was the most vulnerable that Bucky had ever been. He was willing to show everything to Steve. Women had offered themselves up to him plenty since he'd become Captain America, even a couple of men behind closed doors, but he'd never seen anything like what he saw in Bucky's face. It was something honest. Something that couldn't be faked. Something Steve had never known with anyone else.

 

As Bucky came, the sight of it exploding all over Steve's chest aroused him immensely. The contractions coursing through the brunette's body squeezed at Steve's cock until he could no longer hold back, and he felt a full-body orgasm as he released himself inside of his friend. When he had nothing left in him, he fell back onto the bed, finally relaxing his giant muscles and trying to catch his breath. "Wow, Bucky. I had no idea it could be that good."

 

Steve managed to bring a large hand to Bucky's thick brown hair, stroking it gently as they lay together in bliss. He was coming to realize that this was always going to be a thing between them. It wasn't just a fling. It meant something. He wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to tell anyone. He'd never even talked about sex with others. He always shied away from it when the other soldiers bragged of their exploits. And he was pretty sure being with another man was frowned upon in any profession. So now Steve had a dilemma. Here he was about to lead an army to stop an evil warlord with super powers and laser tanks, and he also happened to be falling for his best friend. 

 

Did he dare bring it up with Bucky? Or would it be too painful? Both of them knowing they ran the risk of being dishonorably discharged, at best. Maybe it was the best they could do now, keep quiet, but keep finding ways to show each other they cared for one another. Right now Steve's top priority was to get rid of Hydra, and to keep Bucky alive while they did it. Maybe when the war had ended and they were safely back home, they'd be able to make some sense out of this.

  
  
  


It was over too fast, Bucky barely registering that their movements had stopped, he'd been so blown away by his experience. He wondered if Steve felt the same. When his friend spoke, the brunette smiled despite his building anxiety. Steve had enjoyed it all right. But what now? Now that he'd done it, now that he'd let himself ask for the one thing he'd dreamed of sharing with his lifelong friend, well, what else could he do? It'd been a god damned stupid idea, because now that he'd had a taste, having another one was all he could think about. "Yeah, not half bad," Bucky agreed easily, grabbing a towel from a rickety looking table that held stacks of fan mail. He wiped himself off as he rolled onto his back, barely enough room for the both of them on the small bed. "Sure as hell relaxes a guy. It'd be a great sleep aid."

 

A big hand gently tugged at his dark locks and Bucky felt himself turning to butter, limbs giving in to the heaviness settling through him. Humming his appreciation he pressed into the tender affection, tossing the towel to the blonde beside him and then closed his eyes. He knew it wasn't a good idea to linger, if they were discovered it'd be a disaster… But they'd had a long day, and the months of isolation and worry had taken their toll. 

 

As if frightened by the prospect of being found out, Bucky's old habits kicked in, the older man shifting a bit away, "So, who's the girl? She seemed pretty important," Bucky kept his eyes fixed on a spot on the canvas wall where a sketch of the woman in question hung, making sure his tone was light and as genuine as he could muster. It wasn't that he didn't care, or that he didn't want Steve to be happy… It just hurt a lot to let him go. But he knew it was an inevitability, so he figured he should start practicing immediately. 

 

"And don't play dumb with me Steve, I saw the way you were looking at her," Bucky laughed, ignoring the tension threatening to return even after the best orgasm he'd ever had, "And the eyes she was giving you… That woman's gonna eat you alive." 

  
  
  


Steve chuckled. "You can help aid my sleep any night." True, he hadn't felt this relaxed since before boot camp. He could get used to this, he thought. But there was no way Bucky would actually be willing to do this every night. This was probably just a way of welcoming back his friend. The next night the brunette would most likely be back in the bar picking up some other lady. Steve could only hope his friend might spare a night for Captain America once in a blue moon.

 

He wasn't prepared for Bucky's next question. The brunette seemed really interested in Peggy all of a sudden. Steve couldn't blame him. She had an astounding presence. Steve wasn't oblivious to her flirting, but it didn't feel like the time or the place to get involved, especially with someone of Peggy Carter's caliber. "Oh come on, Buck. You really think I'd stand a chance with a gal like that?"

 

Steve couldn't say he hadn't thought about it. But there was too much at stake now. They had to fight a war together. It wasn't exactly a situation that needed more drama added to the mix. "Look, I promised her a dance, but that's as far as I'll go. You're so interested, why don't you ask her?"

  
  
  
  


Bucky sobered a bit when Steve joked about joining him any night, the older man's heart stuttering painfully. He was sure his smile faltered a bit but he was quick to replace it, summoning up a laugh to draw attention from the lapse. Steve had to be kidding, there was no way he… well, to be fair he had just gotten a strings free roll in the hay. What guy wouldn't grab onto that? Bucky'd seen plenty of straight up guys take a stroll through the fruit stand from time to time, just to take the edge off. Things got really bad, and everyone needed a little contact. So of course Steve would want to keep the good times coming. Bucky was terribly tempted to take him up on it. 

 

"Yeah, well… Maybe you'll get lucky. We're heading for the front of the front, there's nothing more out there. It's gonna be just us and the trees, so…" Bucky let the words hang, lips forming a mock frown, keeping things playful. But then Steve was taking on his comments about Peggy, and honestly, he should have known better than to bring her up. But, he'd made his bed… "Woah, woah, woah down tiger," he teased, sitting up to shrug his skewed jacket back on, feeling awfully exposed as Steve took issue with his prodding. The man honestly didn't think he was a catch?

 

"Yeah, I do, by the way," Bucky defended himself, though really he was offended that Steve still didn't recognize his own value. "Even before you got your…military…enhancements…" he stuttered a bit over the word as his eyes lingered on the mostly naked male form beside him. "She'd be damn lucky to have you." The brunette slipped his pants on carefully, turning his back to the blonde, hiding his increasingly hurt expression as best he could. "She's got a say, you know. And seems to me she's already picked her favorite," Bucky pointed out a little too venomously, startling himself. The small man sighed then, running a hand through his mussed hair, putting it into some semblance of order. "What's she gotta do, write it in the sky for you? I just met the broad and I can tell she's crazy about you. As soon as you make a move, she's yours. Trust me." 

 

Bucky hated the way he felt in that moment, like Steve no longer wanted him there, like he'd laid the foundation for the end of their friendship. He couldn't just give the man a good fuck and leave it be. No, he had to say something. He needed to watch himself, he was getting sloppy. It was a good thing they were about to be miles from the nearest bar. There was nothing that ate him up more than being at odds with Steve.  _ Keep the fucking act up or don't play the game, Barnes _ , his mind spat harshly, and he took a second to collect himself. 

 

Letting out a playful growl Bucky tossed his head back, staring at the cloth ceiling for a span before turning again to face his friend, "When are you gonna learn to listen to me?" he laughed in earnest then, because he already knew the answer. Steve never had listened to him, and likely never would. "So god damned stubborn…" the brunette muttered through a smile under his breath, dropping his chin to his chest as he did up his fly, doing his best not to look like he just rode Captain America after a rough night out.

  
  
  


Steve could still hardly believe Bucky when the man said those things about him. Women had never looked at him that way. Just because he was bigger and stronger didn't change who he was as a person, did it? It got him more attention but those people didn't see past his muscular exterior. Though it was true of both Peggy and Bucky that they'd seen who he was before he became like this. Maybe the brunette had a point.

 

He was so hung up on his thoughts that he almost didn't realize that his friend seemed to be rushing out the door. "Okay, fine. If it'll make you happy, I'll ask her, alright?" Steve couldn't help but see the pained look on Bucky's face. It always ate him up to see the man like that. "Wait up for me at breakfast. We've got a long day ahead of us. I gotta make sure you're getting fed right."

 

Steve didn't want to watch Bucky leave his tent. He knew they couldn't sleep in the same bed anymore, but he missed it so desperately. He was relieved beyond belief to have his friend back in his life, but now leaving his side for only a few hours was almost as painful as losing him to war back in Brooklyn. Steve could only hope the endorphins and exhaustion could push past his fearful thoughts and let him get a good night's sleep for once.

  
  
  


"I don't want you to do it for me, Steve," Bucky told his friend honestly, meeting their tense gazes, lips curved in a rueful echo of a smile, "I want you to do it for you because you believe you deserve it." The older man sighed and crossed the space between them that had been steadily growing larger, eliminating it. Wrapping his arms around the much bigger torso he paused for a second, adjusting to the feeling. He didn't know if he'd ever get used to Steve feeling like that. Bucky closed his eyes and did his best to relax, a bit of relief sweeping through him when he felt Steve's large form lose much of its tension. They never stayed mad at each other, Bucky couldn't remember a time they'd ever stopped talking to one another out of anger. 

 

"You're such a punk," Bucky snickered in fading exasperation, mumbling into Steve's uniform clad shoulder. The thick material was rough against his sensitive lips, but he lingered anyway, inhaling deeply… as discreetly as possible. The blonde's familiar scent did the trick, whatever stress had still been clinging to him melted away. Even getting told off, Steve took the time to worry about him. Damn it if he wasn't incredibly infuriating. Bucky loved him desperately. 

 

Bucky released the younger man and stood back, straightening out his clothes, and gave a sincere smile. Backing towards the exit he kept their eyes locked, letting Steve see that he was okay. "Yes, sir. Breakfast. sir." 

 

When he left he scrubbed his hands over his flushed face, emotions in turmoil. He hadn't let himself feel it before, but out in the open, away from his friend, he was allowed to. Bucky took long, shuddering breaths, wondering if he'd made a horrible mistake. What had he been thinking? Things had been so natural, so easy between them before. Moments after breaching that final wall and they'd nearly had a falling out… over a girl. Bucky was realizing he might have pushed things too far. What if Steve was being too polite to tell him he wasn't into it? 

 

Shaking his head at himself, Bucky began his trudge back to his cot. He knew there was no way in hell he was going to get any sleep that night. 

  
  


********************************************

 

Bucky felt like one of those monstrous glowing tanks had run him down, his head was killing him, his body ached, and his nethers well… With a hoarse moan he leaned head first into his locker, catching the unfortunate attention of Dugan. "What's the matter pretty boy? Can't handle your liquor?" The harsh guffawing laughter that followed the jab did more real damage, making Bucky's throbbing head thunder. Giving the Irishman a halfhearted smile the brunette gave a lazy salute, 

 

"Promptly go to hell, jackass." Dugan gave him a tip of his hat before striding away, calling back,

 

"I'll save you a spot."

 

Bucky had bigger things to worry about than his appearance. Mealtime was fast approaching, and he had made a promise to Steve. His pain had nothing to do with the drinks… It had everything to do with his concern over his idiotic pass at his best friend. Damn it, for one quick tumble he might have destroyed their friendship. What if the blonde really didn't want to see him? What if Steve had been disgusted after he left? What if he was no longer able to be comfortable around Bucky? 

 

"You comin'?" Gabe stood at the entrance with Morita, and Bucky was certain he must look like hell just from the expressions he was getting.  _ Shit _ . 

 

"Yeah, yeah, I just need a minute. Get outta here." 

 

"More like ninety," Gabe poked fun at him, and Bucky flashed his friend a sarcastic smile. 

 

" _ Sit on a stick _ ," Bucky sing-songed even as he continued to rest his head against the solid shelves holding his toiletries. Their laughter faded as they waved and walked away, finally leaving him be. 

 

Bucky had to pull it together. He might be having a crisis, but Steve didn't need to concern himself with his issues too. All he wanted was for the other man to finally find happiness. Whatever that took, he was willing to give it. Even if it meant backing off. He realized the only thing that would ruin their friendship was him. He was too much in his head, he needed to stop pushing his feelings onto the younger man. He'd been surviving the war for months, Steve had no idea what he was in for. Bucky needed to be there for him, in all the ways that mattered. 

 

Taking a good amount of time combing his hair he focused on breathing. There was nothing he could do about the dark circles under his hazy eyes, but he could draw attention from it by recalling the lightness he'd feel in Steve's presence before the war. Their friendship was his everything, he didn't want to taint it because he couldn't come to terms with his feelings and insecurities. Inhaling deeply he made his way to the mess tent, exuding cheerfulness. "Laugh it up stiffs. I'm not tardy, I'm making an entrance."

 

Steve looked as perfect as always, not a hair out of place, shining like the sun. He could do this. Taking his rations Bucky sat across from his already settled friend, banishing his nerves, offering a lazy smirk. Keep it casual. 

 

"Ten till your briefing. We're ready for whatever you've got for us. Just don't take these guys too seriously, they'll drive you nuts." 

  
  
  


Steve lay awake in his bunk, painstakingly replaying the entire night in his head. He hoped he hadn't done anything to inadvertently hurt Bucky. The brunette had seemed a bit off, though maybe he had just celebrated a little too much. Steve couldn't help smiling as he thought back to all the nice things his friend had said about him. He couldn't believe Bucky actually liked his costume. As the soldier lay there and thought, he felt a sudden strike of inspiration.

 

********************************************

 

Captain America was greeted with cheers as he entered the mess hall the next morning. After seeing them the night before, it seemed to Steve that these soldiers were strong enough to weather any hangover you could throw at them. Though he wouldn't have been surprised if many of them were still partying. Despite his protests, the people in line made him cut in front to get his food. There was still no sign of Bucky, so he found an empty table and sat in wait, still nervously clutching the papers he had brought with him.

 

As he sat and ate, soldier after soldier approached Steve, offering handshakes and congratulations. Many of them said they had looked for him the night before and wondered where he had gone. Steve was evasive, saying even super soldiers needed a good night's sleep. Though in reality he hadn't gotten much sleep at all. As tough as it was to have such a huge secret to keep from all of his new friends, he was happy that he had Bucky to share it with.

 

Steve felt a breath of fresh air when Bucky finally walked in. The blonde waved excitedly to him, soon realizing it made him look ridiculous, as he already stood out in the room. "Hey, I can take a jab as well as anyone. Everyone's been really nice. Not like those snobby actors I worked with in the USO." He realized it was getting close to the time he said he'd meet up with Carter and Stark. "I have something I want to show you." He placed the papers on the table, smoothing out the wrinkles where he had gripped them too hard. "I worked on this all night. It's sort of an update to the whole "Captain America" look, you know? I just wanted to see what you thought... Of course if you had any suggestions I'd be more than willing to take them into consideration." He pointed to the drawing in the middle. "I particularly like the helmet. Doesn't it remind you of those space flicks we used to see?" Steve tried to read Bucky's reaction, hoping to God he wasn't making an utter fool of himself.

  
  
  


Every breath felt like a labor, the incredibly simple act taking energy he didn't have to spare. All he could hope was that the day didn't require a lot of him. Picking at his food he kept his tired gaze on his friend, letting Steve know he was present and listening to him despite his massive fatigue. Bucky already felt awkward enough, the last thing he wanted was for it to snowball. He had to keep the communication open. "Yeah, I bet. Probly the only reason one of those flashy ladies didn't snatch you up," he teased, stealing a bit of Steve's meal and popping it into his mouth with genuine mirth in his eyes. 

 

Bucky supposed it was a miracle the man wasn't already married, considering. How had those girls worked with him for so long without pouncing? He was distracted by his off the wall thoughts when Steve spoke again. The brunette straightened in his seat, a little on edge. What would Steve have to share with him? He blinked rapidly when he saw the somewhat crinkled drawings, genuinely surprised by the images. "Wait… You're serious?" Bucky felt his stomach flutter with pleasure and nerves. He'd forgotten he'd blatantly shown his cards the night before, revealing his appreciation of the way the suit showed off Steve's body. What else had he said? His mouth went dry. 

 

"Uh, sure, yeah, I'll take a look," Bucky was completely thrown, he didn't know exactly what he'd been expecting, but he wasn't ready for this. The older man accepted the offered sheets, taking a deep breath as he scanned them over. "Don't lose the star," he chewed on his lips for a pause as he collected his words, uncertain how to phrase his jumbled thoughts. "For luck." His heart skipped a tad at the memory of hearing that song over and over for months when they were teens, after they'd taken those stolen photos in the park… when his developing feelings for Steve were just starting to frighten him. 'You Are My Lucky Star' still played in his head from time to time. Like the first time he'd seen Steve in that showy Captain America get up. 

 

Reaching out he tapped at the spot it should be in the drawing, and considered the rest of it, smiling a bit to himself as he recalled the colorful outfit. "You need to drop the shorts," he frowned as he considered it then nodded, handing the sketches back. "Love the helmet. Keep it tight. Very Flash Gordon," Bucky laughed, remembering their excited trips to the theater, doing their best to never miss a serial. Rockets and lasers and metal men... "Who'd ever think we'd be living it?" It was at that moment Bucky realized they were huddled together at the table intimately, heads so close together their breath practically mingled… he had almost forgotten they weren't alone, and reigned it in, settling back in his seat and pursing his lips. 

 

"You ah… better get going. Don't wanna be late for your first briefing…Captain." 

  
  


"You're right," Steve nodded at Bucky's suggestions, "The star really is the main focal point. I guess I was just embarrassed to be the center of attention. Though I agree the shorts are a bit distracting." The super soldier gave a shy laugh at the praise for his helmet. "Yes! Flash Gordon, that's the one. I must have been thinking of it subconsciously." It was still difficult for Steve to think of himself as a hero, but he couldn't negate the fact that everybody was starting to see him as one.

 

It felt good to be so vulnerable again, like he could with no one else but Bucky. Steve could geek out about whatever he was obsessed with at the time, and though his friend would make playful jabs at him, there was never any danger of scaring Bucky off. "Well I lived it for a day anyway. You've been out here a lot longer than I have. We need to find time to catch up. Not that things show sign of slowing down any time soon." He gave Bucky a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. "Right. Best head out. Thanks for the help, Bucky."

 

Steve hurried down to Stark's lab, but found that he needn't have been so rushed as everyone else was late. There was no one to greet him but an unfamiliar blonde woman reading the paper. He had no choice but to wait awkwardly with her, so he leaned against the wall, trying not to look like a weirdo. Since he'd become Captain America, Steve was no stranger to random women throwing themselves at him, but he still hadn't gotten used to it. He stumbled his speech as the private rang praise upon him, getting closer and closer, until he found himself being kissed. Having no idea what to do, it was a welcome relief when Agent Carter interrupted them, and Steve rushed out of the room like it was on fire.

 

Women were such a complete mystery to Steve. It seemed that he had made Peggy upset with him. He asked Howard for advice, but all he could determine was that it wasn't his misuse of the word "fondue". Steve figured he'd best not dwell on it, instead focusing on the impressive weaponry Stark Industries had whipped up for him. When Peggy returned, he found he had to do something to try and patch things up between them, opting to show off his new shield. When Carter, without missing a beat, shot at him several times, Steve felt it might be best to give her some space.

 

The unit wasn't going to move out until the next day, so Steve decided to go see how Bucky was holding up. He couldn't wait to tell him about how Howard had approved the costume, and his new shield, and whatever the hell it was that had happened with the ladies on base.

  
  
  
  


Bucky relaxed when Steve's hand met his shoulder, the physical contact letting him know they were really okay. It wasn't like the blonde would ever keep it from him if he was angry or anything else, but then things were different now that they were leading a team. It wasn't like they could just get into it without riling the guys. As much time as he'd spent with them, they weren't acclimated to Steve yet. They learned fast though, he was sure they'd be bickering in front of them soon enough. Bucky gave his friend a bright smile to send him on his way, but the minute he was out of sight the brunette's head met the table. He could hear Dugan choking on his breakfast over a laugh, and Gabe filled in Morita on Bucky's tendency to overdo it on his nights out. 

 

They were expected to get some rest and recuperate from their time in Hydra's prison camp, but whatever they'd done to him, he couldn't shake it. He could feel it behind his eyes, under his skin… and he didn't want to admit how scared it made him. Maybe once they wiped all the bastards out they could figure it out. He just kept hoping it would go away. Forcing himself to finish his meal he concentrated on keeping it down and made his way back to the tent he shared with the rest of his team. It was the first time in months they'd been safe and free, but he couldn't bring himself to find his books or seek the company of the guys. 

 

Sleep nagged at him, tugging at his fuzzy brain, his stinging eyes. Maybe he'd just close them for a bit, catch up on what he'd lost when he'd been up half the night worrying he'd ruined his closest friendship. Now that he knew things were as smooth as ever he found that unconsciousness was a very welcome idea. He'd only been out for a couple hours when he startled awake, surprised to see Steve standing uncertainly at the opening of the darkened tent. "Steve," he mumbled though lips gummy from deep slumber, and sat up to greet his friend as he reached for his canteen. After wetting his throat he went on,

 

"Don't tell me you're done already? Has something happened? C'mon, what's the news, I can take it," Bucky scrubbed at his sleep numbed face with his hands, digging it from his eyes. "Howard agree to spiff up that uniform? He's a flashy guy, can't imagine he'd have an issue with it. Do I need to rough him up?" 

  
  
  
  


The base was full of soldiers when Steve came back outside. Everyone was busy preparing for the coming attack, but the brunette was nowhere to be found. A voice called out to him and he looked to see the familiar faces of Dugan and his crew. "You lookin' for Sleeping Beauty? He crashed in his bunk a while ago." Perhaps Bucky had been more tired than he'd let on. Steve decided to hang around and help out for a while, letting the man rest a bit longer before he barged in on him.

 

A few hours later, Steve could no longer hold his excitement, so he decided to sneak over to Bucky's tent to see if he was awake. He had barely moved the flap when he saw his friend start tossing over. "Oh, I didn't mean to wake you. I'll just..." But before he could leave, Bucky was hurling questions at him, and Steve couldn't help but engage with him. "Well, it turns out fondue is just bread and cheese." He was met with a sleepy blank stare. "Howard said earlier... You know what never mind." Bucky seemingly ignored his fumbling and moved on.

 

"Oh no, he was very accommodating. Said he'd give me everything I need. Peggy's the one I'm not so sure about." Steve did his best to recount to his friend what had happened since that morning. "Yes. She really shot me. I don't know why she's so upset. It's not like I intentionally went out and started kissing random people." It was embarrassing to talk about, even with Bucky. No matter what he was now, whenever Steve thought about ladies he still felt like a wimpy kid with no self-confidence.

 

Bucky was doing his best to cheer up Steve, but the super soldier could tell that something was still off. "You're still half asleep aren't you. Sorry buddy. I should let you rest. There's probably work that needs doing and I can't let those men take all the credit. Do you want me to bring you anything from mess?"

  
  
  
  
  


After a second to process the words Bucky snickered, not entirely sure of the fondue reference, but Steve's blush and awkward shuffle were too much. Straightening up in his cot he listened carefully, slowly returning to proper awareness. He nodded when the blonde excitedly explained that Howard was working with him, and made a mental note to get to know the man better. Bucky felt genuine shock when he heard about Peggy's lashing out, "She…shot you? She actually fired a weapon at you…" 

 

Bucky felt a tinge of anger at that, even in his most enraged and lost moments it had never crossed his mind to express even a fraction of violence towards Steve. As Steve continued, Bucky's face remained stoic, trying to refrain from revealing too much of his own emotions, and it took a lot of work. Maybe too much, as Steve seemed to catch on that something was off, and attempted to retreat. "Oh no you don't, you can't drop a bomb like that and just scurry off, c'mere," Bucky crooked a finger at his friend to get him closer, then made him take a seat on a nearby cot. 

 

"Lemme get this straight. You've been putting the moves on this Carter, and then you got friendly with a dame right there in the office?" Bucky's expression was a cross between disbelief and impressed. He opened his mouth, but struggled to find words to convey his erratic thoughts and feelings. He ended up laughing, and he knew it would come across as cruel and that Steve wouldn't appreciate it, but he couldn't help himself. It was that or cry… because after all his years of pining, of wishing that Steve was available to him, of wishing that it wasn't a huge joke for him to be in love with his best friend, there it was. Steve had always been amazing, an inspiration to him, someone that he looked up to because… Steve had never backed down from a fight, he always saw the good in people, he never let things get him down - even the worst of things. He didn't laugh when Bucky cried, he didn't make Bucky feel stupid or disgusting for the things he said or did… or didn't do. And for all his wishing for more, Bucky had had Steve all to himself, in a fashion…

 

But Steve was finally visible to the rest of them now. Visible to all the women that had scorned him for not looking like a tough guy, visible to all the men that mocked him for the same thing. Now they were paying attention and all his sterling qualities shined on a spectrum they could see. It'd always been there, they just hadn't cared to notice. It made Bucky want to scream. So he covered it in laughter, tears leaking from his eyes because it felt like his heart was being squeezed into paste. Steve had everything he'd ever wanted but he wasn't even aware of it… Bucky's life was a huge god damned joke. 

 

After a minute or so he managed to choke it back, wiping at his wet face, running long fingers through his sleep shaggy hair in an attempt to calm himself. "Steve… I'm sorry… It's just. Oh boy… You live so dangerously, and you're not even picking fights in alleys anymore…" Bucky grabbed at the blonde's shoulder, clinging to him like a lifeline. He needed to diffuse the tension he might have caused with his reaction. "The ol' 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' thing slipped your mind?" Bucky was getting the impression that Steve really had no idea what he had done. Well, really he didn't need to do anything, but he wasn't helping himself either, clearly. 

 

"I know you're not used to it, hell, I'm not used to it but… The way you look now, people are gonna notice you. And when you do your hero thing, it's… You gotta know it's a big deal. People just don't do that kinda thing, it's…" Bucky was never very good with speeches, he could learn a language in a week but finding the words to express himself… He'd spent so much time hiding it took a lot to expose himself in such a way. "It really is extraordinary. You're like a real life Superman, you gotta understand that. You give people real hope in a hopeless situation, wrapped up in a pretty package, and that's incredibly intoxicating."

 

As if realizing what he'd said was a little too honest for his own comfort, Bucky swallowed and gave a tight smile, giving the shoulder he held a pat, "Everybody's gonna want a piece of that glory… I can't really speak for the ladies but from what you've told me… Well, who wouldn't want to win your affections?" Bucky held Steve's gaze as long as he could before he had to break it off, staring at the ground as he fought back tears, the reality of the moment too much for him. Still, he kept his tone as light as he could, no need to upset the confused man…  "You still can't see yourself as worth it, huh?"

  
  
  


Steve felt relieved when Bucky beckoned him over. He'd been worried he was making things too awkward between them. He sat beside his friend and allowed him to laugh uproariously at the blonde's embarrassment. Though the more he thought about it, the more ridiculous Steve realized it was. "I didn't put moves on either one of them! They just... took me off guard." Even his superhuman reflexes weren't able to prepare Steve for this.

 

"I guess I knew undergoing this experiment was going to put a lot of eyes on me, I just didn't expect this kind of reaction. I guess we all have an animalistic side that comes out from time to time no matter how hard we try to hide it." Steve looked away briefly as he thought about the night before. "Whether I see it in myself or not, I can't ignore what everyone else sees in me, because otherwise people are going to get hurt."

 

Steve took a deep breath as he thought about everything that had happened so far. Everyone was looking up to him as a hero. If he didn't start acting like one, there would be dire consequences. Someone had to lead these men. And maybe he didn't feel like Clark Gable, but he was attracting attention. He'd never had one girl to choose from. Now he had half of America clamoring for him. It was too much pressure. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should approach Peggy. If for nothing else than to make things good between us again. She's the best agent we've got. The last thing I want to do is make her an enemy."

 

Steve felt so lucky that he had Bucky to talk to about these things. It pained him that they had to be secretive, but he couldn't help showing his affection for the man. It was going to take a lot of work to reach that level with another person, which was what made it so hard to think about dating. Not to mention the fact that apparently the nation was looking to him to take out one of the key members of the Axis forces. If Steve didn't focus his efforts, the stress would overwhelm him before he even left the base.

  
  
  


"Steve, if ladies had pinups, you'd be Mr.July," Bucky shook his head, running a heavy hand over the back of his neck as he worked to move his gaze from the floor. He'd spent most of his life trying to convince Steve that he was more than people took him for, but now it was even worse. The man clearly didn't have a queer bone in his body if he honestly didn't recognize his own beauty. Jesus, Bucky spent entire nights just thinking about the blonde's mouth alone. 

 

But Steve wasn't hearing it, he was off, rambling, obviously upset by the whole ordeal. The brunette had never had a friendly fire at him so he could only imagine what that sort of shock would do. At the mention of animalistic tendencies he could feel his face flushing, recalling just how much of his passion he'd let himself show the night before. God, he'd been so desperate for it he hadn't a lick of sense left in his head… and he knew it would come back to bite him someday. He had to stop thinking about it or he'd drive himself mad. "Holy cow you are so dramatic," Bucky chuckled to himself, amused at how any other guy would kill to have gorgeous broads throwing themselves at him - and here Steve was having a crisis. 

 

"Uh, yeah… You're gonna wanna do that sooner rather than later… Of course, you do love living dangerously so… maybe you two were made for each other?" Bucky raised a brow pointedly as he finally met his friend's eyes, amused and flustered all at once. Steve had a tendency to be terribly infuriating… but it had never bugged Bucky. If anything, he appreciated the fire in him when others just saw dull stubbornness. Maybe this was the one Steve needed to come out of his shell. It could be a disaster waiting to happen but, at least he'd be doing something instead of letting the perfect opportunity slip away. 

  
  
  


"You may be right about that, buddy. I guess we'll just have to wait and see." Steve was feeling embarrassed for how long he'd ranted to his friend. Bucky didn't want to hear about his problems. The man had hardly said a word about what had happened to him in these past months. Steve didn't want to pry, but it tore him apart to think Bucky might be in pain, and he could tell the brunette didn't want to be left alone. 

 

The super soldier felt a little helpless when it came to Bucky. They were supposed to be best friends. The one person in your life with whom you can discuss anything. Yet Steve always felt like Bucky wasn't telling him everything. Then they were reunited, and though they fell back into their old rapport for the most part, things were clearly different. Steve didn't know if it was because he had changed so much or if something had changed in Bucky's life, but if the man didn't talk to him, how could he possibly help? It felt like they were drifting apart, and Steve was going to do whatever he could to bring them back together.

 

"All the same, we'd better work on our plan for tomorrow. Something tells me there are bigger things we should be worried about." Steve scooted in close to his friend. If there was one thing he could do for Bucky now, it was protect him. He wasn't going to take any chances.

 

  
  


Bucky nodded and clasped his hands together, resting his elbows on his knees, and leaned forward to listen to whatever Steve had planned. To be honest Bucky hadn't given it any thought since they'd gotten back. There was too much going on for him to possibly take it all in properly, and he'd added to that enormous amount of stress by taking his friendship further than he'd ever intended. So far nothing had been changed between them, except maybe that now he felt a note of tension when talking to his best friend, one that had never been there before. 

 

"Like those monster tanks. Those things wipe everything out like it was never there. Disabling those should be a priority," Bucky found Steve's presence to be incredibly calming, even with the note of tense apprehension he'd acquired for himself. Whenever they were alone, it used to be contentment, excitement, comfort… He wondered if he could ever get back to that, or if he was doomed to forever be anxious. 

 

"Surprise! Happy birthday my boy!" Dugan sing-songed as he burst into the shaded tent, pretty blatantly sloshed, planting what looked like something that at some point might have been food on the table nearby. 

 

Bucky's confusion was plain on his face, eyes wide with something akin to fear. "My birthday's not till March…" he began, but Gabe waved him off. "There's no guarantees, so why wait?" 

 

Dugan took Steve aside while Bucky was distracted by the impromptu clump of gifts set before him by Gabe. "I don't know what he's told you," the older man's eyes were suddenly very clear, his voice not a bit slurred, "But he had it really rough in there. Boy almost didn't make it. He was the big wig's favorite. Didn't see him for days but when we did, it was a miracle if he could stand." The big man looked Bucky over, and it was apparent he was shaken by the memories. "I thought we lost him a couple times. A bloody mess. But here he is. Bright as a buttercup. I didn't know what kept him going." When his sharp eyes found Steve again it was certain he'd sorted a few things out. But what, he wasn't saying. "They might have had us locked up tight, but that Nazi fucker didn't last long," the bleach blonde's tone told of their brutality, stark and serious. "Wasn't nothing going to stop us from stopping him." The Irishman leaned in then, close that no one could even read his lips, should they attempt it, "You do right by him, poster boy."

 

Dum Dum Dugan left it at that, giving a quirk of his light brow before turning to the man in question, cheering much louder than was necessary. "I was told it's a muffin! Was a muffin. It's edible so get on with it." 

 

Bucky laughed at the presented trinkets, shaking his head at the crumbling dessert offered in what appeared to be cheesecloth. "You shouldn't have," the brunette grinned, blue eyes flitting to Steve for a second to instinctually share his joy, "You really shouldn't have." The sergeant's face told of his uncertainty as he examined the suspect food. "I do need the use of my legs guys." Bucky couldn't help but chuckle, Gabe's reaction was priceless, looking awfully scandalized. 

  
  
  
  


Steve and Bucky had barely begun their strategic preparation when the soldiers burst into the tent. There was hardly time to react before Dugan was sweeping the blonde aside for a one on one. The man confirmed what Steve had suspected, that something bad had happened to Bucky, though it seemed even his comrades weren't entirely sure what it had been. "He hasn't told me much. I'm sure it's been difficult to process. I'm just glad he made it out. And he seems to be doing better." Steve gave the man with a bowler a strong handshake, "I can't thank you guys enough for looking after him."

 

Steve didn't mention how it had kept him up at night wondering what had happened to his best friend, if he had even still been alive. He hoped Dugan recognized his sincerity. Being reunited with Bucky made him feel alive again. Saving their unit was nothing to Steve, as he felt he already owed them so much.

 

The way Dugan and Gabe showered Bucky with praise and impromptu gifts made Steve smile. He joined in on the playfulness, "Come on, Buck! It's rude if you don't at least give it a taste." It was clear that these men had taken a real liking to Bucky, and Steve felt confident that the brunette could get through anything with the help of his new friends and his old pal from Brooklyn.

 

Steve and Bucky had barely begun their strategic preparation when the soldiers burst into the tent. There was hardly time to react before Dugan was sweeping the blonde aside for a one on one. The man confirmed what Steve had suspected, that something bad had happened to Bucky, though it seemed even his comrades weren't entirely sure what it had been. "He hasn't told me much. I'm sure it's been difficult to process. I'm just glad he made it out. And he seems to be doing better." Steve gave the man with a bowler a strong handshake, "I can't thank you guys enough for looking after him."

 

Steve didn't mention how it had kept him up at night wondering what had happened to his best friend, if he had even still been alive. He hoped Dugan recognized his sincerity. Being reunited with Bucky made him feel alive again. Saving their unit was nothing to Steve, as he felt he already owed them so much.

 

The way Dugan and Gabe showered Bucky with praise and impromptu gifts made Steve smile. He joined in on the playfulness, "Come on, Buck! It's rude if you don't at least give it a taste." It was clear that these men had taken a real liking to Bucky, and Steve felt confident that the brunette could get through anything with the help of his new friends and his old pal from Brooklyn.

  
  
  
  
  


Under the pressure of Gabe's watchful gaze and Dugan's prodding, Bucky finally gave into their expectant demands, glaring at Steve as he gracelessly grabbed clumps of the 'muffin' to carefully slip them past his full lips. He didn't know what he'd expected, but it melted in his mouth, exquisite smooth chocolate with bits of chips. The brunette gave his men a knowing look, and they couldn't hold up against the scrutiny, bursting into laughter. "Jamison's future wife cooked them up. We had about a dozen an hour ago," the big Irishman huffed proudly, slapping Gabe on the back, the smaller man covering his mouth in a lame attempt to hide his bold bright smile. 

 

"We've left the others at the bar. We're taking our free day very seriously," Gabe told them mock sternly, backing towards the door with Dugan joining him. But before he left the big man in the bowler hat set another pouch on the table, grinning as he hastily followed their friend out of the tent. "Best birthday wishes to ya!"

 

Bucky rolled his eyes playfully and grabbed it up once they were out of sight, glad to see there were two pristine chocolate muffins within, making the exhausted sergeant smile. "Those miserable jokers, really playing up their frighteningly questionable food…" With an amused sigh he tossed one to Steve, who sat across from him as he had been before they were interrupted. "Your turn tough guy, stuff it before that big mouth gets you into even more trouble," Bucky told his oldest friend impishly, giving him a cheeky grin. "I got lucky with those guys… They've really looked out for me, and they're handy in a fight, as you've seen," Bucky picked at his dessert, his gaze firmly on the muffin in his own pale hands. Then he wiped away the growing seriousness to lift a pinch of the dessert to his moist lips, closing them around his long fingers so he wouldn't miss the smallest crumb, his eyes sliding shut in pleasure. 

 

Bucky hummed, suckling at his slim digits, determined not to waste the tiniest bit. It had been weeks since they'd had decent food, let alone something so delicious. "Better get at that before I do. Once you're on the front you're gonna be dreaming of that little treat." The brief visit had given the older man the infusion of energy he needed to really enjoy being conscious. The nap had done him a lot of good. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve couldn't help but laugh after the men left them, feeling as though a freight train had just blown through the tent. "They seem like great guys. I'm surprised how quickly they accepted me." Following Bucky's lead, he ate the offered muffin. It was indeed far more delicious than anything he'd eaten in the past several months. "Wow. Just like mom used to make." Suddenly Steve was flashing back to when they were kids. When his mom would save up to make treats for her son and his friend, so grateful to see her boy finally getting along with someone.

 

The blonde was beginning to tear up. "Anyway, you're right about the tanks. But we have one now. Plus the men and the know-how. I think we stand a fighting chance." Steve had a feeling that Schmidt wasn't going to give up on them. He knew about Captain America and clearly had something planned for Bucky. Steve wouldn't stop until he knew they were safe. He hoped that Bucky was in fighting form. Something was up, but trying to get him to talk about it was like pulling teeth. 

 

Steve knew he was now physically stronger than his friend, but he knew that wouldn't be enough to protect him. He would have to be willing to fight to the end of the earth for Bucky. The brunette had always stood up for him. Steve felt if he could do the same for Bucky, then all the pain they had suffered would be worth it.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky smiled through his snack, listening to Steve speak and feeing at ease for the first time since he was captured. The man was never down, he was always so positive, always ready for whatever came his way. Even after being separated for months, nothing had really changed. Nothing that really mattered. It was like falling off a bike, they shared so much that no matter what they would have something solid to draw from for the rest of their lives. It was a great comfort. 

 

The sergeant was glad to see the blonde relaxing a little, making new friends. It was strange though, seeing Steve interact with others so well - it seemed the serum had given him a boost of social grace. But as they sat there, the mood shifted. Despite his friend trying to soldier on, Bucky sensed it and saw the glimmer of excess moisture at the edges of his green speckled blue eyes. Immediately he felt like he had to jump to his friend's aid, whatever was ailing him. That familiar drive, that protective flame ever present in his heart for the younger man, set alight once more. He might be weak and practically useless for the new, improved Steve… but at this he could still serve a purpose. 

 

Brow knitting in genuine concern he reached out, knuckles brushing over Steve's uniform covered arm, "Hey, are you alright? What is it?" 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Ever since Steve had become a super soldier, things had moved at breakneck speed. He had never had a chance to slow down and reflect, nor did he have anyone with whom he could share his feelings. Now Bucky was suddenly back in his life. The one man Steve could open up to. "I guess I'm still adjusting to wearing this face. Whenever people look at me, I feel like I'm just a kid in a costume. I want so badly to be the hero they see in me, but I'm not there yet."

 

Steve reached for Bucky's hand and gave it a squeeze, dying to feel contact from his best friend. The man he thought might be lost forever was back in his life. The feelings were so overwhelming that he couldn't stop the tears streaming down his face. But he didn't care. Bucky may have teased him but he cared for Steve more than anyone. "You're the reason I keep fighting, Buck. Whenever I doubted myself, you were always the one to remind me that I'm worth something."

 

He felt like a mess, but he was glad he had gotten that off his chest. "I'm sorry. I just didn't want to go back into battle without saying something. It's good to have you back, buddy."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's heart couldn't take it, seeing Steve like that. The man had never had a doubt in his life. He always knew where he was going, what he wanted, who he was… It made the brunette choke up, realizing how much the blonde truly trusted him. "Steve, you've always been a hero, even before this. I've never known anyone with even a sliver of the guts you have. I know it sounds stupid but I've looked up to you since we were kids," Bucky shrugged, averting his eyes, feeling exposed. But Steve surprised him, naming him as the reason for his tenacity. It made the older man's breath catch. 

 

Swallowing hard he squeezed Steve's hand back, offering a smile despite the tears. Bucky was taken aback by the rest of his words, shocked by the open display of emotion from the man that was constantly guarding them, even from his best friend. "No apology needed. I'm glad you felt like you could tell me this." The sergeant's chest was tight and uncomfortable, stifling, he was so unprepared for such a huge shift in their already close relationship. "I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal."

 

Feeling emboldened Bucky used his free hand to gather Steve into a firm embrace, their clasped hands between them, and held him there. For several minutes they just breathed, the small action the only sound in the makeshift room. He could tell that Steve simply needed a moment, something he apparently hadn't had since the beginning of his adventure as Captain America. He needed a moment to just be. No expectations, no demands. Bucky gave him that, and easily offered his support in all things. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for Steve, even if it meant letting him go when the time came. 

 

Pulling back from their hug it tugged at his heartstrings to see the blonde so genuinely upset, prompting Bucky to lean in a press a kiss to his tear-streaked cheek. The saltiness clinging to his lips was bittersweet, making his own eyes prickle with moisture from the powerful emotions surging through him. "You're my reason too," he blurted without thinking, startled by his own voice. But he continued, unable to stop himself, "There's nowhere else I'd rather be." 

  
  
  
  


The outburst surprised even Steve. This was the most he'd opened himself up since his mother died. The feelings were so overwhelming he didn't know how to deal with them. But then all the tension seemed to melt away as his friend held him in his arms. Bucky didn't judge him. Even when he was so confused with himself and this completely new life he had been thrust into, Bucky was his tether to the world he knew. If anyone could help Steve become the real Captain America, it was Bucky.

 

Steve clung tight to his friend. "Sometimes I feel like you're all I've got left." He knew it wasn't true, but he had the feeling that Bucky knew how he was feeling. The brunette was always so kind and responsive. Steve never felt like he had to edit his words around him. He could be himself.

 

Steve took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves, when he felt Bucky's lips on his. It didn't even startle him. It was as though he knew this was what he wanted but he hadn't been able to consciously recognize it. Somehow Bucky always knew, and when they were together, it just felt perfect. As the honest and touching words left the sergeant's mouth, Steve was overcome with emotion, and not knowing what else to do with it, he pulled Bucky's head closer and kissed him like never before. The world around them had already melted away. Bucky was the only thing that mattered in that moment, and Steve didn't care about anything else.

  
  
  
  
  
  


After everything they'd been through, after all the things he'd witnessed, Bucky hadn't seen the kiss coming. Sure, he'd probably opened the door without realizing it as usual, he always was the one to start things… But he never expected Steve to so strongly reciprocate. He should have though, considering. Steve was new to war, to real war, and to have seen what he did when he raided that Hydra camp… It must have been overwhelming. And then there was Bucky, after all those months, and they'd barely had a minute to process what had happened… Aaaand then Bucky had thrown himself at Steve. Given him a taste of something Steve had never sampled… that he knew of.

 

They'd nearly lost each other, they'd nearly lost everything. But they were alive, their friends were alive. There was hope. Steve might be uncertain about himself and his role in the war, but Bucky wouldn't let him down. His friend needed him more than ever it seemed, and how could he fail him now? It wasn't like Bucky wanted to stop… Even if he knew the longer he let it happen, the harder it would be to break it off later. His heart wouldn't let him turn it down though, he was such a sucker. 

 

The elation that flash flooded his chest caused him to gasp and return the affection with vigor, hands tightening on his friend, his already wild emotions becoming frenzied. The brunette let himself swoon for Steve, allowed himself to revel in the romantic intimacy of it all… Until an obtrusive, glaring moment of clarity made Bucky break the kiss to breathe, stunned by his own willingness to throw caution to the wind. He held the younger man tightly, hiding his face in the captain's large shoulder. "Steve…you've got me, okay? You've got me, and I've got you." He didn't want to take advantage of Steve's fear. He didn't want to be that guy. The older man slipped the hand gently resting against the blonde's jaw into the trim hair at the base of his strong neck, caressing tenderly. 

 

Bucky closed his eyes and attempted to catch his breath, ordering his heart to stop fluttering so madly. It was pathetic. Bucky just… he needed it to be what Steve wanted, not what he thought he needed. "Anything you need buddy, I'm here for you. You're not alone."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve felt Bucky pull away and for a second it felt like being torn in half. He knew he'd pushed things too far, but it had just felt like a natural progression. His feelings for Bucky were confusing, and he didn't know what to do with them. He tried to breathe as the brunette caressed him gently. Bucky's words reassured him that he hadn't royally screwed up their relationship with that outburst. "I know... I just don't want to lose you again. I'll do anything." Steve couldn't contain himself around Bucky, but at least he had someone with whom he could have the occasional meltdown.

 

"Thanks, Buck. I guess I was holding a lot back these past few months." Steve squeezed the older man's shoulder as he wiped away his tears with his other hand. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate your being here. I understand now how the stress of this job kills people if they can't vent once in a while. I'm lucky to have you." 

 

He had seen it so many times in Brooklyn. Classmates, teachers, or just random men on the street who took out all their aggression on other people whom they considered lesser than them. That wasn't the kind of person Steve wanted fighting for America. He wanted men he could fight alongside for the greater good of the nation. People who shared pride in each other's accomplishments. That was what he always saw in Bucky, and he saw it in Dugan's men. It warmed his heart, because he knew he was already willing to go to the end of the earth for his comrades.

 

As much as the two of them had connected since they reunited, Steve still felt a distance between him and Bucky. The last thing he wanted was for his friend to be sad or uncomfortable. He only wished he could get the brunette to open up to him. "You know I'm here for you too, right? I know it's been hard for you, but you can trust me. I want you to know that."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky felt the desperation in Steve's kiss, in his clinging hands, and it broke his heart. This was why he'd fought so hard to convince his friend to stay home, to keep out of it. Fighting was one thing, war was another. He did his best to react in a way that wouldn't upset his friend, but couldn't help the surprise hiss of laughter at Steve's concern about losing him. "You won't lose me, I'm not going anywhere," Bucky lied as smoothly as he could muster, the reality of their situation was finally hitting the blonde and it wasn't going so well. Bucky didn't want to be the one to break the whole tentative hope thing apart. 

 

At the mention of venting Bucky's lips twitched into a smile, a little wry and lopsided. He didn't have the heart to tell Steve their choice of venting wasn't generally accepted by the U.S. Government, and in some cases made them out to be criminals. "Yeah, blowing off steam's about the most important thing around here," he agreed with eyes downcast, chest aching in the worst way. God, what he wouldn't give to be able to tell Steve everything about himself. But no, he knew it was an enormously idiotic fantasy. How could he, why would he ever want to burden Steve like that? Things were mucked up enough without his freakish perversions destroying his family's hopes for him. It was a selfish wish that he fully intended to keep to himself. 

 

As if reading his mind Steve's next words hit him like a freight train, wiping the smile off his face in record time. His already erratic heart gave a startled skip, and he rushed to make up for the blatant faltering. Bucky forced a laugh, giving Steve's arm a squeeze, smiling at him despite the nightmarish memories awakened by the implications. "C'mon. How long have we known each other? You don't ever have to worry about it Steve, I know." Bucky thought he'd been keeping the lines of communication open with his letters, but maybe Steve had already forgotten. Things moved pretty fast, it was easy to get lost in your own head. 

 

Maybe he'd pushed to hard? Maybe his frantic, reckless need for intimacy had muddied things between them? Maybe he was the reason Steve was having this emotional breakdown. Damn it. Taking a stand up humble guy like Steve and twisting his good intentions to get what he wanted… Bucky was starting to feel like he'd used their friendship in a way that made his stomach turn. God, he'd been such a selfish ass. "Look, Steve, I'm… I shouldn't have pushed you like that the other night and… I realize it was just kinda sprung on you and I didn't really give you a chance to back out." Bucky's words were leaving him so fast he couldn't help himself, he felt mortified, and for a terrifying second wondered if Hydra had been right about him. "You're more important to me than stress relief, I don't want you to feel like I'm your responsibility, because I'm not. I'm serious Steve. I can take care of myself."

 

Bucky released his friend, averting his gaze to the floor, ashamed of himself and his sickening emotions. "I don't want you doing things 'cause you think you're helping me out. I don't want to be some obligation."

  
  
  
  
  
  


"I wouldn't have done it unless I wanted to, Buck. I'm not trying to be overprotective. I just want you to know I got your back." Steve could tell he'd hurt the man's ego. Why else would he think that Steve did so much for him simply out of a sense of duty? He knew Bucky could look after himself, but without Steve by his side, what chance did he stand against Hydra?

 

It came as little surprise to Steve that Bucky was so reluctant to talk about himself or ask for help. The older man had always been that way. Still, Steve always did whatever he could to make his friend's life easier, despite all the pushback he received. "I'm helping you because you're my friend, and that's what friends do." They were starting to go in circles, Steve realized, and rather than getting frustrated, he decided to change the subject. "Anyway, why don't we join the other guys and get ready for tomorrow? We've got a lot of work to do."

  
  
  
  
  
  


As usual, Steve had missed the point. The jagged, bloodstained, rusted, dull as hell point…The shame Bucky had been suffering since the night before seemed stifling now, and with Steve all but shrugging it off… But how could he know? How could he know what it was like to feel this way? Like everything in him was wrong, like he was broken all over, and then Hydra had used those cracks to slip inside and twist him further… With a hiss of laughter Bucky turned away from his friend to hide his anguish, focusing on gathering his blankets and tidying his cot. Under his breath he berated himself, realizing he'd had the right idea not talking about his slip up in the first place. What did he expect, really? For a straight up man's man like Steve to hold him, stroke his hair, tell him it was fine, they were good! and he had no reason to lose his marbles over it cause he understood it wasn't just some sick combination of selfish desperation, mental illness, and stress relief? 

 

"Yeah, that's what friends do," Bucky could feel his stomach beginning to turn, his disgust with himself manifesting physically something fierce. He did his best to keep it in check, not wishing to embarrass himself any more than he already had. His big revelation had just been a walk in the park for Steve. Or maybe Bucky's childish insecurity was getting in the way? After all, they were fighting the most destructive war the world had ever seen… What was a little mentally disturbed sex thrown into the mix? Steve had a lot on his mind, to be fair. The blonde had gone through his own trials, his own growth… figuratively and otherwise. Bucky was so fucking selfish to think that such a triviality warranted further discussion. And really, did he want Steve to figure him out? Did he want the man he'd fallen for to see him like that, to pity him? Fuck.

 

"You go ahead. I'm sure the guys are on round four by now. I dunno how useful they'll be really. I shoulda warned you to get 'em early or give up." Discreetly taking a few deep breaths, Bucky did his best to calm himself. He'd nearly lost his cool head, and could have given away the whole game. Steve didn't need to worry about him with everything else. The guy had a full basket as it was. A fresh start, a gorgeous girl, a massive war, a terrifying new enemy to stress over... Who needed a mind-fucked buddy you'd trusted most of your life lustin' after you like a bitch in heat on top of all that? 

 

"Don't let me stop you though. You're Captain America, is there anything you can't do?" he flashed the blonde a rueful smile, hearkening back to their conversation about Steve's feeling pressured by his new status, and then licked his lips, turning back to his cot, "I think I'm gonna catch up on sleep. I'm more tired than I thought." Seeing Steve's bright eyes again had almost made him crack, the honesty and kindness there making his scarred skin itch. He could just imagine how it would have went, his friend hurt, angry, wondering if he'd just used him their whole friendship, needing to rub out his perverted desires… and Steve was just some easy mark. Bucky lightened his voice, even more determined than before to keep his loud mouth zipped. Steve didn't need his drama. Hadn't he just spent the better part of an hour calming the worried man down? God damn it he really was a head case. "So, by all means buddy, good luck. Have a lovely afternoon herding cats."

  
  
  
  
  


Steve wasn't sure what he had done, but he knew he'd just made things worse. He wished he knew what it was Bucky needed to hear so that they could be okay again, but Steve felt sure that the problem was bigger than him. And anyway, the brunette seemed determined at this point, so Steve felt the only thing he could do was to give him some space. "Well, I hope you feel better then. Don't hesitate to come get me if you need anything at all. You know where to find me."

 

He left the tent reluctantly, trying to parse out Bucky's words to figure out what had him so upset. Soon however, he was too swept up in work to think anymore. It seemed everyone expected Captain America to be the authority on any issue they were having. Whether it was planning a military strategy or planning which kind of shoes to wear. As busy as he was, though, Steve never took his eyes off Bucky's tent. His worry for his friend was beginning to consume him. Should he have tried harder? He knew Bucky was going through hell. There were important things to deal with, but shouldn't their friendship be the most important?

 

Steve couldn't wait until it got dark. Once he was able to pry himself away from all the soldiers' questions, he hurried back to the tent. "Hey, Bucky." He braced himself. He wasn't sure what to say. For all he knew Bucky was still furious at him for leaving. "It's almost time for dinner. You hungry?"

  
  
  
  


Bucky gave a playful salute, signaling the end of their conversation, unable to will his voice to work further. Between trying to keep the tears in check and attempting not to toss his cookies, it was a real struggle. 

The sergeant spent the better part of the afternoon reveling in the quiet of the tent he shared with his team, sleeping when he could, reading when he couldn't. The guys left the tent alone, he was sure they'd picked up on his moodiness, that and they probably found much nicer spots to bed down. He was happy for it, it allowed him to let it all out. His scrap of a pillow was still moist when Steve returned, and he ran a hand over his face to make sure he was presentable. 

 

"Steve," he was a bit surprised, to be honest, he hadn't expected to see his friend again that day and it echoed in his voice. "Seems you had a busy day. I hope the cats weren't too much of a hassle," he teased even as he sat up, straightening out his uniform. He might feel like shit, but he didn't have to look it. Kicking his book back under his cot he redid his buttons, acting as though he was pondering the question. The truth was he hadn't been hungry since their disastrous conversation where he came out feeling like a girl dumped the day after she gave up her virginity. 

 

"I could eat," he lied, feeling a stab of hurt in his chest for it, wishing he wasn't such a mess. But his issues weren't Steve's issues, and he needed to remember that. They were friends, good friends, but that was all. The blonde didn't owe him anything, not even an explanation, as much as he wanted it. Bucky was the one that offered himself up like a fancy meal, he was the one that always forced Steve's deviations from normalcy. The brunette realized he had to stop dwelling on his sick fantasies before they ruined Steve too. Before they ruined their friendship altogether. 

 

"Lead the way," Bucky gave his friend the best smile he could muster, though it didn't reach his eyes. Even he wasn't that good. 

  
  
  
  
  


"I think the cats can take care of themselves." Steve looked on as his friend dressed himself up. At least he looked better. And he didn't seem angry. Steve took it as a good sign that Bucky was willing to go to the mess hall. He hoped it was because the brunette wanted to spend time with him and not just because he hadn't eaten all day. "Good. I'm starving."

 

Steve wouldn't let anyone lose their place in line over him this time. He even coerced Bucky into standing in front of him. Steve watched his friend squirm as they waited. He placed a hand gently on Bucky's shoulder. Maybe they couldn't talk about their problems yet, but Steve wanted him to know that he was there for him, always.

 

As they found a place to sit with their food, they were immediately set upon by the other soldiers. "Woke the beast, did ya Cap?" Dugan said, clapping Steve on the back before turning to Bucky, "Guy thinks just 'cuz he's friends with Captain America he can sleep all day! You better be well rested for tomorrow then." Steve smiled. He hoped Bucky realized what great friends he'd made out there.

 

When the crowd had finally dispersed, Steve leaned in closer to Bucky. "Hey. You know I care about you, right? War destroys a lot of things, but I couldn't live with myself if it destroyed our friendship."

  
  
  
  


Bucky followed his friend to the mess, running slim fingers through his mussed dark hair, trying to clean it up a bit. When they got to the tent and Steve maneuvered him ahead of him in line, Bucky let himself be directed, hating himself for how the simple touch made him feel. Then a large hand came to rest on his shoulder and he could sense himself weakening further. He swallowed hard, offering the blonde a weak smile, but he needn't have bothered since Dugan saw fit to draw attention to himself as usual. "You really wanna poke the beast, Dum Dum?" Bucky snarked back, flashing a tight-lipped smile that promised pain. 

 

The Irishman threw up his hands and gave a guffaw loud enough to startle half the tent, backing away and graciously giving Bucky his space. He was more than glad for it, especially when Steve leaned close and spoke to him personally. Any amount of attention from the man was lessening his anxiety about their friendship. The words that dropped from his lips made Bucky's heart flutter, and he wanted more than anything to show his affection for the blonde man in that moment. The more Steve spoke to him, the better Bucky felt. But of course, they were in the most public space imaginable, and the more the brunette thought about it, the more he berated himself. Calm down you dumb fruit, he's not flirting with you. He's your friend, he's being friendly. And stop putting pressure on your relationship! You can love him and not smother him… The voice that tormented him constantly reminded him harshly. 

 

Bucky wasn't stupid, he had realized that he didn't like sharing Steve, he was too used to having the man all to himself. But it was going to take some adjusting. And with the added stress of world-ending destruction all around them, he was feeling the pressure something awful. He was beginning to understand it was the reason he'd felt so strongly about pushing his physical relationship with Steve, and why his emotions were running wild. They'd been apart for so long and so many things had changed… And the war was very real. Bucky just didn't want to lose him… In any sense. 

 

Immediately assaulted by heavy emotions Bucky fought back the urge to cry in relief, the uncertainty he'd been struggling with all but evaporating. "I never had a doubt," Bucky lied to his friend again, realizing even as he said it that he really had been scared to death that Steve would be stolen away from him. Wether it would be a new friend, the war, Bucky's own pushing, or a woman… Seeing Peggy Carter with him had all but cemented that nightmare for him. She was bound and determined to make Steven Grant Rogers hers. Anyone with eyes could see that, but Bucky still didn't want to accept it. So he'd… overreacted. But Steve was still talking to him, so he wasn't quite sure what it meant yet. 

 

Bucky realized Steve was extending the olive branch in a sense… maybe he wanted to continue their botched conversation? It had ended so abruptly, and the brunette didn't feel it was fair to suffer so much over it when Steve was so aware. Maybe a little bit of truth was necessary. "Sometimes I worry it'll be me that destroys it, not the war." I'm so afraid to lose you it's making me crazy… The words stuck in his throat, and how could he speak them? How could he put that weight on Steve's shoulders? He didn't want pity, he didn't want forced affection. He just wanted Steve, he wanted what they used to have. He needed that physical connection more than ever, here in this place where you felt like any day was your last and you'd die alone… 

 

_ I feel so disconnected.  _

 

Bucky hadn't noticed he'd said the damning words out loud until he saw the look on Steve's face, and his blood ran ice cold. Suddenly his food was terribly interesting, and he focused on the meal as though he hadn't said a thing. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve looked into the deep blue sea of his friend's eyes and saw the sadness in them. "Ha! You can't get rid of me that easily. We've been together forever. Nothing's gonna change that." But Bucky's next words took him aback. It was the most honest thing he'd heard come out of the brunette's lips since they'd reunited. Bucky was shoveling food in his face like nothing had happened. If he was finally starting to open up, Steve wasn't about to let the opportunity get away.

 

"Well hey that's understandable." Steve tried to respond without scaring his friend away. "I feel like that too sometimes. We've both been thrust into entirely new situations. It's hard to know who we even are anymore." He took a deep breath before continuing. The last thing he wanted to do was start breaking down in front of the entire camp, but this needed to be said, and he had to say it while he had Bucky's ear. "But when I'm with you, everything just makes sense again. Whether I'm taking art classes or fighting nazis, with you by my side, I know who I am."

 

He wasn't sure if he was helping, but Steve meant what he'd said, and he would do anything to keep Bucky around. "I don't want you to ever feel like you're being a burden or anything like that. I need you, buddy. Anything you need, just ask." Steve knew that it was difficult for Bucky to ask for help, but all he could do was keep pushing. Continue to let him know that he had a friend who was always there for him. Maybe one day Bucky would be able to tell him what the real problem was.

  
  
  
  


Bucky had spent so much time being afraid it was beginning to wear on his relationship with Steve. Before he'd had home, he'd had family, friends, jobs, school. He had familiarity to fall back on when he felt overwhelmed, when he felt like Steve might turn him down and their physical connection and his living fantasy would have to end. But they'd never stopped, and even when he'd had to leave, Steve had shown him that atypical affection. The blonde was confident enough in himself that messing around with his very male friend hadn't even caused him to blink. And now here, in this place, as dark as it was, it hadn't dissipated. Peggy Carter aside, Steve hadn't pushed him away. Maybe it was an inevitability, but Bucky was tired of being afraid of it. The reality was he could lose Steve at any moment, he himself could die… and it would all be over. If he was going to live life to the fullest, he had to quiet the demons nipping at his heels. Steve would never leave him. 

 

Jaw clenched tight against his straining emotions, Bucky stared his friend down, unable to speak as he tried to remain calm. He nodded because it was all he could do, dropping his gaze to his food, attempting to breathe normally. He wasn't going to tell Steve, he could never do that. But he could try to keep things cool between them. In a sense.

 

"Alright, knock it off you sop," Bucky cracked a smile when he could breathe again, feeling his cheeks warm with a flush under the pressure of the sappy words Steve was bombarding him with. "I got it, we're solid. Don't worry about me, I'm swell. Anyway, we got bigger things to worry about." The brunette let Steve see his eyes then, proving that he was better, that he'd figured himself out. At least, to an extent. "But then, we're gonna give 'em hell, so really, what's there to fret over? Am I right?" he played off the heavy mood that had settled over them, his gaze bright for the first time in a long time. 

 

If ever there was a reason to trudge on and keep it light, Steve was it. Bucky didn't want their time together to be tainted by his own fears and hang-ups. He had Steve back, and he had a chance to show his friend he was loved and that he didn't have to stress over the sergeant. That their friendship was still as strong as ever. Whatever Steve needed, he'd be there. Nothing was ever going to change that. It gave him a new confidence despite the wariness he'd had for his own mind after Hydra's camp. He had Steve to focus him, to share with… he could do this. 

 

"I was hoping, you know, that maybe we could spend tonight catching up," Bucky held Steve's attention with a loaded look, one that spoke of his likely mischievous intentions. At the same time he discreetly slid a booted foot along Steve's ankle, implying them further. If he was turned down, what of it? He didn't have any idea if he'd survive the night, forget the damn war. "Last night in camp. Everything's set for the hike tomorrow. Gotta kill some time before lights out. All rested up. Whadda ya say?"

  
  
  
  
  


Steve agreed with the positive sentiment. The stakes were high, but worrying wasn't getting them anywhere fast. They had to believe in themselves if they were going to push forward. They needed each other to get through this. "You're right. They don't stand a chance." It was so uplifting to see Bucky in a good mood again that Steve felt he could do anything.

 

Steve had been obsessing over the upcoming fight, but Bucky's words calmed him. These men had already shown their amazing tactical skills, and Steve had to admit he was getting pretty good at fighting himself. Maybe it would be okay to just relax his mind a little. "I'd really like that, Buck, as long as you're well rested. And before you ask, yes I do still sleep," he added playfully, "though not as much as I used to."

 

When they'd finished eating, Bucky and Steve headed back out into the cold air. Steve was happy things were approaching normalcy again, and he couldn't wait to hear what Bucky had been up to. Surprisingly, everyone else on base seemed to give them room as the two men made their way back to Steve's secluded tent. Here they were again, like the night before. Steve couldn't help but feel a twinge of excitement at the thought of sharing his bed with Bucky again. But he didn't want to push that on his friend. If all Bucky wanted to do was talk, then that was fine with him.

 

"You want any coffee or tea?" Steve offered him a chair as he went to get his kettle. "Yeah, I know. Perks of being a celebrity, I guess." He got himself comfortable as he sat next to Bucky. "It's been a crazy year, to be sure. So tell me, how did my old friend Bucky come to be Sergeant James Barnes?"

  
  
  
  
  


Steve always wore his heart on his sleeve, but when it came to things like this… Bucky hated that the blonde never let on. Pursing his lips he cleaned up after himself and followed the other man, ducking his head as he spoke so that only his friend could hear him. "That's no problem. I've got my own cot to crawl back to… if you want me to go," he reminded the younger man with a bit of sass, implying there would be reason for Steve not to send him away. He felt a little wild doing so, but he'd nearly lost his life, he was going to lose Steve… Bucky might as well enjoy himself. 

 

The brunette rubbed his cold hands together as he entered Steve's tent, the chill evening air causing him to sneeze. He was glad for the relative warmth of the enclosed space, loosening his jacket as he listened to Steve's offer, sniffling a bit. "Coffee? Coffee," he agreed, notably stunned and then excited. With a smile, he thought on the last time he'd had a decent cup. No one knew how to brew the stuff properly when they did get it, it almost wasn't worth it to drink it. 

 

Taking the offered seat he glanced curiously around the cluttered tent, wondering at all the little things that screamed of Steve. It felt strange being there again, after his daring actions the night before. But now that he'd had a taste, he wanted more. Bucky knew it was wrong, knew he was playing with fire. But he didn't care anymore. If he got burned, he got burned. Steve was too stubborn to abandon him. When Steve suddenly sat beside him he shifted, a little uneasy, uncertain what Steve wanted. 

 

Apparently, all he wanted was talk. Bucky shrugged, finding things to look at to keep himself from getting eaten alive by nerves. "Went through basic, did well on tests, got noticed. They think I'm a natural leader," he snorted softly. "I didn't have the heart to tell them I learned everything from you." He laughed then, leaning against his friend heavily, glad for his solid form. Steve was real, he was really there, and he wasn't afraid to show that he was happy about it anymore. He was starting to feel a lot less lonely.

 

Bucky hazarded meeting Steve's eyes then, his stomach doing a flip at their proximity. If he wasn't so on the spot he'd have been ill from the lovesick puppy he'd become. "And you. A captain, just like that? But not really a captain. Though I guess that'll change now. Now that you've shown them what you can do." 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve had always known Bucky would do well for himself in any field. "I'm not surprised. You always excel at everything. All I did was push you when you needed me to." He put his arm around his friend as the brunette leaned in close. Holding him there and looking into his eyes gave him a warm familiar feeling. He could stay in that spot forever. "Ha! I don't know about that. I've only been in one real fight. I'm just the poster boy. I'm no tougher than the rest of you. I just got lucky."

 

So much of Steve's strength came from Bucky, though the older man would claim he'd had it in him all along. Maybe that was true, but who knows how long it would have lain dormant if Bucky hadn't given him that much needed kick in the pants? The two men enabled each other to always do better, and Steve no longer took for granted how special a relationship it was. They knew how to make each other happy, in a world which seemed to thrive on making people miserable.

 

Steve saw so much history in those blue eyes. It always made him remember the best of times. Without even thinking about it, Steve moved in and kissed Bucky softly. The strangeness of it no longer occurred to Steve. All he felt was the love and camaraderie of his best friend Bucky, not to mention the excitement it stirred within him. Sure, Steve probably could have slept with anyone that night, but if he was going to spend his last night in camp (or maybe his last night on Earth) with anyone, who better to choose than the man he knew best and cared for the most?

 

Taking it as a good sign that he wasn't being stopped this time, Steve pulled Bucky in closer and put a hand on the side of his face. Bracing the man's neck, he kissed him deeply, finally letting out the emotions he'd been feeling for his friend all day. His motions were frantic. He could hardly figure out what to do with his hands because he wanted to touch all of Bucky at once. When he finally remembered he needed to breathe and took a second to catch his breath, Steve heard a whistling sound begin to swell, the timing of which struck Steve as ridiculous and he couldn't help but chuckle. "Heh, maybe I should turn the kettle off first."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky shook his head, Steve was always like that. "You sell yourself short. What you did… You took an entire base down. You secured advanced technology, saved all of those men… you saved me," the brunette didn't know how to express his gratitude, but then, he had given the younger man quite a thank you the night before… When he was at a loss, sometimes he over did it a bit. It had felt like an eternity or torment, the shame he'd felt eating at him afterward, the worry. But it hadn't mattered. He should have known too, Steve was too good a guy. Bucky snorted, smirking slightly, his tone spoke of his amused disbelief, "One real fight? You've been training all your life for this, and you showed 'em. They'll never forget what you did for them. And neither will I."

 

Bucky had expected a smart retort then, a smile or a laugh… He certainly hadn't expected his best friend to lean in and blatantly steal a kiss. It appeared the liplock from earlier hadn't been a cruel fluke. The meaningful kiss stole his breath, making him freeze, as though if he moved even an inch Steve might change his mind and stop. So he held his breath when the blonde shifted, feeling only a moment's sadness before elation took over as Steve blessedly pulled him closer. Bucky's palms slid over the rough material of his friend's uniform, gripping at the stiff fabric, eager for anything the man was willing to give him. Goosebumps tickled along his sore neck when Steve's hand locked around it, and he opened himself up, inviting the blonde to do as he pleased. 

 

Bucky's heart almost stopped when Steve pulled away, hands weakly falling off the lapels they'd been clutching, reddened lips cooling as they were exposed to the crisp evening air. He couldn't help but laugh at the situation though, it was typical Steve. "Smooth Steve, real smooth. Does this mean I don't get my coffee?" he teased, leaning back in his seat to give the taller man an awfully sassy and expectant look. The brunette couldn't help himself, being with Steve was terribly natural if he just let himself go, and he figured at this point, why the hell not? 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve ran over to the kettle and turned off the heat. "Tell you what, we'll save the coffee for after dessert." He gave a little head nod toward his bed, hoping Bucky was up to it. When the man approached him, Steve saw the hunger in his eyes and pushed him onto the bed, wasting no time in climbing on top of him. He kissed the brunette again as he quickly unbuttoned the man's shirt, eager to give him pleasure.

 

Steve bit Bucky's lip and teasingly grazed his nipple. That man always brought out the blonde's wild side. It would have scared him if he didn't turn his brain off and give in to the bliss of it all. When you no longer have to fear judgment from someone, you're free to act as crazy as you feel inside. Nobody understood Steve's struggle like Bucky. They were both just trying to make some sense of the world, but sometimes it felt like all they had was each other.

 

Soon Steve was undoing his friend's belt and sliding his pants off. The sight of Bucky's erection being thrust into the air made Steve's heart jump with excitement. He quickly enveloped it with his lips, teasing the head with his tongue as he stroked the shaft slowly. Bucky's sounds of muffled ecstasy made Steve even more aroused. Suddenly he was brimming with confidence. So happy to be able to please his friend, and feeling like he was capable of anything.

  
  
  
  


Bucky liked this new Steve, the way he seemed to have found his real confidence. Before, his size had always been a sore spot; something Steve was very obviously conscious of. He'd duck his head, play with his hair, try to stand as tall as he could manage, but he would still fret and shuffle about like he knew it didn't work so well. This Steve though, he knew he was a big, imposing man. He still had his moments when he'd smack into things or hesitate, but then a lightbulb would go on and he'd march right off with a new purpose. 

 

So when he was given a hint to get to the bed, Bucky did just that without a thought. The brunette had barely taken two steps towards his friend before he found himself on his back, air escaping his lungs in a huff, the blonde's considerable weight atop him. The older man was dead certain he'd never been so damned hard in his life. With a shiver he eagerly returned his friend's kiss, his face beginning to burn in earnest from his excitement. He felt like a newlywed virgin, his nerves tussling heavily with his enthusiasm. 

 

When Steve's sharp perfect teeth dragged over his bottom lip, tugging playfully, it caused him to shiver full body from the top of his head to the tips of his toes. "Jesus, Stevie," he gasped in astonishment, arching into the bold ministrations, nipple firming from the attention. Bucky wasn't sure what was happening, or if he was hallucinating, but it seemed too good to be true, like some kind of dream. He gazed up at the younger man with wonder in his eyes, leaving himself open and vulnerable, allowing his friend to see him as he'd never let anyone else. If he couldn't be safe with Steve, then he was doomed.

 

Things were moving fast, faster than Bucky could have ever expected, and he licked his lips as his friend took control. The older man was used to being the one to take charge, to lead the moment, to do the encouraging in this game of theirs. But now Steve seemed to have grown up a bit, pushing though the invisible barriers that apparently held him back in the past. Bucky bit his lip in agony as he was introduced to the cold night air, and had to clap a hand over his mouth when Steve's gorgeous lips encircled his proud weeping member. 

 

Bucky's eyes squeezed shut from the explosion of feeling, startled by the intensity of it. Many girls had tried their charms on him, but none had ever felt so incredibly divine. He was sure it had something to do with the fact that he was hopelessly in love with the man now touching him, showing him such tenderness. When they'd messed around before it'd always been him taking Steve into his mouth, teasing his friend, giving him pleasure. Steve had always seemed hesitant, using his unsteady hand or his narrow hips to get Bucky off. The brunette didn't take offense, understanding that Steve wasn't like him, and would never enjoy things his way. 

 

But this… this was like coming home. Sparks flew up his spine, his abdomen a sea of heat, his chest feeling light and warm like sunshine. His free hand found Steve's blonde head, fingertips curling as much as they could in short locks, petting lovingly. If he could form words he'd likely make a fool of himself, so he was grateful it wasn't an option. Bucky was finding it difficult to keep himself muffled, trembling as much as he was, his lower half turning into a useless puddle. He spread his legs in encouragement, in his own way begging his friend to do as he pleased, take what he wanted. 

 

Something was growing in him though, a yearning for more, a devastating craving Bucky didn't want to ignore. He wanted Steve again, wanted him inside, deep as he could go. Slick lips and talented tongue were flitting and suckling along the head of his shaft in such a way that he knew he wouldn't last long. It had been ages since he'd been shown such attention, and he was spiraling fast. So he gripped Steve's hair, not enough to hurt, but enough to get his attention. With an excruciating exertion of willpower he forced himself to speak, throat dry and mind fumbling. "Steve, wait, wait…" God, what was he doing? He could be throwing it all away by breaking the mood but… it would be worth it if it he managed. 

 

"I don't want… to rush this…" licking his lips he then scraped his teeth over them, fighting back his looming climax. If he was going to do this, he had to get the words out, as humiliating as it was. "I want…" his heart was racing, making him dizzy, speech becoming trickier. Emotions were running high though, and he clung to that powerful strength, using it to get it out. There was an aspect to this he was certain Steve didn't share, but he needed this connection. He needed to feel loved. If that meant enticing Steve to do things he might not otherwise… Bucky wasn't above that at this point. 

 

"Tell me you wanna be inside me again," he had cracked his eyes open as much as he could, though his eyelids felt like lead, swimming in a sea of near euphoria. His hips ached to arch into that wet heaven once more, but he fought the urge with all he had. There were bigger things to consider. "Tell me it was good for you." Bucky forced himself to sit up as much as he could then, cupping Steve's stubbled face in his shaking hands, brushing their mouths together, hot breath mingling. "You felt so good Steve. I'll do anything," he offered wantonly, voice husky, mind racing at the implications even as he said it. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve felt Bucky's body writhe beneath him. The passion he felt was straining against his trouser leg. He felt a hand comb through his hair and his arousal grew. It wasn't until Bucky spoke that he realized he needed to slow down. "I guess I got a little carried away. We should take our time." Steve looked up at the brunette, waiting to hear what it was he wanted. Something was preventing him. Steve squeezed his hand gently on the man's leg, hoping to reassure him that he could say anything.

 

He sat up as his friend did, every word making him harder. Remembering when he was inside Bucky made his heart speed up like a drug. "I want it so bad, Buck. You have no idea." If this was what Bucky wanted, Steve knew he had the inner strength to make it a reality. "Anything?" he said mischievously as he kissed the man intermittently, "Lie down on your back. Spread your legs." Steve watched his friend obey, and it gave him a sensation he'd never been aware of before. Perhaps this would be even more fun than he'd imagined. He slowly removed his shirt, pants, and underwear, watching as Bucky lay there in agony. Steve was already at full attention, dripping from the anticipation of what was to come.

 

He got back onto the bed, then, kneeling before the patient muscular man who now seemed small in comparison to the super soldier. Steve got on all fours then, crawling over Bucky, but careful not to actually touch him. He kissed the brunette's lips passionately, their erections hovering so close but never touching. "How badly do you want it? Tell me." He scratched one of his hands over Bucky's chest, and teasingly brushed their bodies against each other before rising up again. He hoped this was what Bucky had had in mind, because he could get used to this. But he thought surely his friend would tell him if he was doing anything out of line, so he kept going.

 

Steve lowered himself further, inching his cock closer to the opening that was waiting for him. He spit in his hand and lubricated himself as well as he could before finally touching his head to Bucky's hole. He could tell from Bucky's begging that he could wait no longer, so Steve gave him what he wanted and pushed his entire length inside the man. The feeling was worth the build-up. He kissed Bucky passionately as he continued to thrust as deep as he could go. "Oh god Bucky, you feel so good." Steve reached between them and began to stroke Bucky slowly. He could tell from his member's reaction that he was already so close to climaxing. Steve didn't want to overwhelm the man so he backed off a bit, slowing himself so as not to end things so soon. He leaned in close and licked Bucky's neck up to his ear, which he bit gently before whispering, "Tell me what you want me to do to you."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's heart nearly stopped with Steve's breathy confession about wanting to be inside him. His head swam with vertigo as though he was dreaming, because there was no way his best friend, a man, was telling him this so blatantly. The blonde's lips hovered over his own, landing brief butterfly kisses that both thrilled and killed Bucky a little at a time. Surely this was heaven. The Nazis or Hydra or some other devilish force had shelled them and he'd been pardoned and this was pure grace… Boy he knew he was in real trouble though, the moment Steve's voice hinted at humor. It was all over. 

 

The command to lay back made his cock twitch in interest, his mouth going dry. He'd daydreamed about moments like this all his life, but he'd never in a million lifetimes believed any of it could ever come true for him. The dream was almost ruined by the sudden shift in emotion in him, his chest aching with longing even as his deepest most secret fantasies were coming vibrantly alive for him. Bucky did as he was told, full of hope, feeling more awkward than he ever had in his life. For once it was he that was the one being tended to, being given blessed physical affection so lovingly. If Steve had any idea what it meant to him… 

 

But he kept it light, smiling somewhat sheepishly as he opened his legs, feeling a hot white flame of pleasure unfurl within his belly as he exposed himself. Steve seemed to know what he was doing, eyes dark with desire, body tense with unspent passion. The brunette moaned in both surprise and appreciation as his friend met their mouths in a pointed and demanding kiss, pulling back before he could really lose himself. "Steve…" he found himself whispering, tipping his chin up to try and follow the retreating lips, thirsty for another dangerous taste of Steven Grant Rogers. 

 

Bucky nervously bit his swollen lips, determined not to give in to Steve's cheeky demands, eyes flashing in challenge. But he couldn't help himself, only a second later caving in to the curls of sweet torture crawling along his prone body as the blonde teased him from above. "Fuck, Stevie," his voice raised to something akin to a whine as his weeping erection strained for contact, his back arching up to seek relief from his friend's hot slick skin. "I need it so bad, I dream about it," he revealed with a tinge of red along his sharp cheekbones, only able to keep their eyes locked for a breath before he had to look away. It was all far too intense for him to handle all at once. Jesus. 

 

Steve's big hand dragged feather light over the brunette's aching flesh and it felt like he was being torn open, every inch of him begging for the man's delicious weight atop him. "C'mon Steve, fill me up. I'm so god damned empty without you," Bucky panted out the words, squirming beneath his friend in submission, in open need. If he had any sort of mind left he'd be panicking, realizing what a picture he was making, such a racket people were bound to hear. But he didn't care, all he could think of was that sweet slide of hard muscle slick and hot and hitting just the right spot to make him forget his own cursed name. 

 

It was gonna hurt like hell but Bucky wouldn't have it any other way. It had been a gift feeling the echo of Steve within him all day, even in the beginning when it stung something fierce. The before and after was worth it to have that in between, when the walls came down and he was everything to Steve for those dark, heated, precious short lived moments. He'd been so lost in the anticipation that the blonde's entrance was jarring, and Bucky clenched his jaw as the initial resistance shot like wildfire through his writhing form. 

 

But he fought through it with a grunt, pressing into Steve's kiss eagerly, licking and suckling at the full lips to distract himself from the pain. Tiny flutters of pleasure emanated out from his belly as they clung to one another, easing their joining until the man slid without strain, the sergeant's once tense legs falling loose and open around Steve's broad torso. Bucky felt weak then, giving himself over to the primal movement, hands drifting up his friend's large impressive arms to gently brush his neck and face in wonder. With a gasp he fell back from the frenzied liplock to the lone pillow under him, a heavy shiver making him pliant for Steve's life-changing heaving. Bucky's cries were just barely muffled by Steve's stone-like shoulder.

 

As if the body jolting thrusts weren't perfect enough, a slippery palm cupped his engorged cock, the learned touch driving him near mindlessly wild. Bucky could only whimper and shiver when Steve's tongue trailed along his sweat slicked skin, hands limply falling down to feebly grip narrow hips as they rocked together in the tiny bed. The blonde's voice was like a dose of ecstasy, urging him closer still to climax, encouraging him to utter things he'd never consider revealing, had he a sliver of sanity left. There was more desperation in his tone than he ever would have allowed knowingly, "Give me all you got, I wanna feel all of it… don't hold back, I wanna feel you come inside me Stevie. Pretend I'm your dame, do what you gotta just please lemme feel it deep…" 

  
  
  
  
  


As Bucky had pleaded, Steve continued to give him all that he had. It was such an amazing new feeling, to have the strength capable of taking control, and the confidence to make his friend into his plaything. He wouldn't have done it without Bucky's permission, but Steve was finding dominance to be a lot more rewarding than he'd ever imagined. He felt lucky to have someone willing to play out his fantasies like this.

 

Steve arched his back as he plowed into Bucky, ensuring that every inch of the brunette's insides were stimulated. "I'm going to give it all to you. Every drop." The muscle contractions were too much for Steve. He couldn't hold on any longer. "Mm I'm almost there, Buck." He wrapped his arms around the man's waist and thrust as hard and fast as he could. He needed that release so badly. He couldn't wait another second. Finally it came, the feeling overwhelming his entire body, so much that he could hardly stand it. He held on tight to Bucky, his only lifeline as he clung desperately to the edge of his orgasm.

 

Finally Steve's muscles relaxed and he collapsed next to Bucky. "Goddamn. Is it just me, or are we getting better at this?" He chuckled. It was such a ridiculous situation when he looked at it from outside eyes, but he was so happy. There was nowhere he'd rather have been. He looked at Bucky's face as they both lay there panting. Such a sweet man. Steve hoped he appreciated how much everyone cared about him. Sure everyone would be upset if they lost Captain America, but the men of the 107th would be inconsolable should anything happen to Bucky. Steve felt he owed it to the man to protect him with his life, so that they could go home, together.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve indeed heard him, because as soon as he asked for it, there it was, the blunt head of the thick cock brushing and finding that glorious spot as if it was made to. Bucky cried out in relief, unable to control his volume as he was pounded into, his hands clutching as tightly as he could muster to encourage the body atop his to keep moving. He needn't have worried, Steve seemingly had no intention of leaving him hanging, his release building quicker than he thought possible. 

 

The things coming out of Steve's mouth were filthy, the brunette almost shocked at this side of his friend, a side he had no idea existed. The transformation had definitely effected Steve in ways he wasn't sure the blonde even realized. Bucky simply let it wash over him, their bodies pressed so firmly together sweat formed from the friction, Steve's lips resting against his ear. It was warm, wet, completely satisfying in all the ways that mattered. 

 

The sergeant lifted his hips greedily as Steve's orgasm approached, his own lingering teasingly just out of reach, and moved in time with the younger man's thrusts. Like the crack of a whip the rapturous release was on him, bending him to its will, his lithe form tensing as it happily held him hostage. Steve was right there with him, tumbling over, his gasps and moans sending Bucky to heights he never thought possible. It was almost frightening, as he could have sworn he'd blacked out from the intensity of it. He groaned as they let their bodies rest, and Steve's full weight settled on him like a bag of rocks. 

 

Bucky found himself smiling though, his heart lighter than it had been in months… maybe even years. When he managed to finally catch his breath he laughed at Steve's wonder, delighted by his seemingly calm reaction to their epic leap in physical relations. Maybe he'd underestimated Steve's comfort level. He'd never have suspected the blonde would jump headlong into sodomy so gracefully. God, Bucky was one of those guys they warned about in all the anti-queer pamphlets. He'd tempted Steve right into the bed of sin. 

 

But Bucky was done worrying about it, he was with Steve again and he wasn't going to ruin it. If his friend could laugh about it, so could he. It didn't need to change anything between them, despite what he might be feeling in his heart. "Practice makes perfect," the brunette sing-songed in response, a little panicked when Steve pulled back and could see his face. He tacked on a smile and gave his friend a playful push, voice gruff when he spoke again, "You weigh a ton now, you know that?" Bucky shifted as much as he was allowed and sighed, lips still curved in amusement, "They should put a weight advisory on you."

  
  
  
  
  


Steve felt mortified when he realized he was crushing Bucky. "Oh! Sorry..." He pushed himself up and over to lie beside his friend. He would have to get used to this new body before he hurt someone. With Steve's luck, Bucky would survive the worst battles of this war only to wind up suffocating under Captain America's mass.

 

"Well I'd love to get more practice... if that's okay with you." Suddenly all the crazy things Steve had said in the midst of their lovemaking came rushing back to him. It was embarrassing, to say the least. Had that really been him or was his libido taking over? Bucky was still there and hadn't run away screaming, so maybe it had been exciting for him too? Steve didn't mind exploring those hidden emotions as long as it was okay with Bucky. That man drove him crazy.

 

Steve had been lost in his own thoughts for a minute, and before he realized what he was doing, he noticed he'd been stroking Bucky's chest this whole time. He came out of his daze and looked up at the brunette's beautiful face. He cleared his throat to break the tension. "Hey I promised you coffee, didn't I? I'd better get on that."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky quirked an eyebrow at Steve's expression of shock, continuing to smile even as he lost the warmth of the other man's body. "Don't apologize, I kinda like it," he admitted, but he kept his tone playful just in case. In all honesty, the feel of his friend atop him was euphoric. It felt… safe. Without the hulking form he found he couldn't help but squirm in discomfort, unable to hide. The brunette didn't have long to worry though, as a moment later Steve was saying something else, something that caused his smirk to falter, his heart to stutter in his sore ribcage. 

 

Having become an expert at masking his true emotions, Bucky forced a laugh as he tried desperately to quiet his anguished hope as it reared its ugly head. Even if it was just for relief, even if Steve only enjoyed having a warm body to come inside, Bucky couldn't deny him. The sergeant was immediately ashamed of his own bitterness, the fact that he could have such venomous thoughts about his best friend, the only person that knew anything about him and had come close to accepting him as he was. 

 

Again he had to remind himself that Steve only knew him as a playboy, a hedonist, an adventure seeker. He probably thought Bucky just wanted sex, and didn't care where he got it from. That was safest really, and the older man truly didn't mind it. As long as Steve remained his friend, he'd do anything for him. "You know I'm up for it," he finally responded with a renewed grin, though it had only been a second since the blonde had spoken. 

 

If Steve enjoyed his company, if he really didn't have a problem with their physical activities, then Bucky wasn't going to turn it down. Any excuse to keep Steve close, to hold onto the bond they'd had for as long as he could remember. Lately he'd felt like there were cracks in their link, like maybe things were happening that could lead to him losing the bigger man… But if that was true, then he had to do everything in his power to keep the connection alive. It just so happened he was making most of his adolescent dreams come true at the same time. 

 

Bucky felt like a terrible person, but the only one he was hurting was himself. Steve was smiling at him, stroking his chest tenderly, and he'd initiated all of it. Clearly he wasn't freaking out, so everything was golden. The brunette just needed to embrace this gift he was being given, and quit getting hung up on the details. So what if Steve wasn't a fruit? He cared about Bucky, he wanted him to be happy. That's all Bucky had ever wanted for his friend too. He could do this. 

 

"Hey, I was gettin' used to that," he joked as the blonde's big hand left his sweat slicked chest, taking with it the soothing petting he'd been reveling in. Heat pooled in his abdomen from the affection, his hormones responding excitedly to the prospect of another round. Bucky forced himself to ignore it. Then with Steve's retort he rolled his eyes and pursed his lips, using the new space to stretch as he responded just as snarkily, "Yeah, ok, coffee's a good start, yeah." Bucky offered the taller man a sultry gaze then, biting his lip with a smirk to tease. If he let himself, he could pretend they could stay like this forever, and in doing so he might be able to forget that Steve would never again be just his. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve was blushing as he stood up. He wasn't sure if Bucky had really enjoyed the tenderness he'd been showing inadvertently, or if the brunette was just messing with him. Either way, he made use of the act of preparing coffee to hide his face. "How do you like it?" The words were out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying. He looked at his friend and couldn't help but laugh. He knew Bucky would see the humor in it.

 

Soon Steve had two hot cups of coffee which he set on the small table between the chairs. He wasn't sure if he could explain his feelings to himself, let alone Bucky, but this kind of moment was what made Steve the happiest. Not only the primal act they'd just engaged in, but providing and caring for each other. Steve could even picture the two of them living together. It was a silly thought, but there was no one else in his life whom he felt closer to. They were family.

 

Steve sipped his coffee happily. "This is nice. Almost makes you forget where we are." He really didn't want the night to end. The next day would be difficult. But Steve knew it was necessary. If they could just defeat Hydra, as impossible a goal as that was, they'd be free to do whatever they wanted. Steve had to focus on that. Focus on getting Bucky out of this hell. And he had to ignore his fears that they wouldn't make it, or that Bucky wouldn't want to spend time with him after all this. He knew war changed people. He could only hope it would be for the better.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky snickered at the preference question, the ridiculousness of it perfectly revealing Steve's nerves. "We both know you know exactly how I like it," he grinned devilishly, adding, "And how I take my coffee." With a brow raised suggestively the brunette arched his back and stretched out further on the bed as he attempted to work out all the tension still clinging to him after their tumble. He laughed with his friend, running a hand through his sweaty, mussed dark hair. Steve's slight discomfort was frankly adorable, the way such a now large, imposing man could still worry about how he was coming across… 

 

"Almost," Bucky agreed as he rolled onto his stomach, careful to wipe himself down with a towel beforehand, thinking on how nice a shower would be. "Coffee cushions the blow, that's for sure," he didn't want to think on how his mind kept wandering to the British woman, and how she or the General, or even Howard Stark could stroll in at any minute. It'd be extremely difficult to explain away his nakedness in relation to Steve's unkempt bedding. 

 

"I hope you don't mind if I forgo the chair," Bucky reached for his cup from his spot in the small bed, bringing the delicious liquid to his mouth with only a momentary pause to inhale the rich scent deeply before tipping it past his lips. "Mmmm," his eyes slid shut as he let the flavor permeate his senses, for a few seconds recalling his mornings at Steve's, how the blonde always had a cup for him, no matter how rough things got. 

 

Bucky didn't think he could handle a solid seat right then, his lower half still sensitive and tender from their frenzied activities. It was going to be hell in the morning, when he had to trudge through the thick miles of mud with the rest of them, even moreso when he had to find a perch, but… it was so worth it. Steve seemed lighter, like a weight had been lifted. They had been a bit off at the start of the day but things like that rarely lasted between them. Everything always smoothed itself out. 

 

Bucky savored his gifted drink, cradling the hot mug in his hands gratefully, thinking on his place in the world. He'd been terribly lucky. And now Steve was there, if felt like nothing could stop them… Even if he was terribly fearful for the blonde's safety. Before he had the fantasy of Steve safe at home, far away from shattering bullets and devastating bombs that could undo entire cities. Now he was right in the thick of it, and any moment could be stolen away by something as trifling as a stray shot or a misplaced footstep. It made the older man feel even more protective. Even if his friend really didn't seem to need it anymore.

  
  
  
  
  


Steve pulled his chair up next to the bed and enjoyed the coffee with his friend. He felt embarrassed and awkward and he wasn't sure what to say to Bucky. It didn't make any sense to still be fearful, did it? They'd already fallen back into their old routines twice and Bucky hadn't freaked out on him or anything. Maybe things were finally getting back to normal. Steve had to hope for that. Worrying about other options would drive him mad.

 

"Yeah, I know it's weird. All these brands give me free products for appearing on their posters. It's embarrassing. But you're welcome to as much of it as you like. They gave me enough to feed a village." Steve opened the trunk next to him to show Bucky the stockpile of coffees, teas, snacks, and provisions the USO had trucked along with him. "I can't tell you how much better it feels to be here than sitting at home pretending I'm making a difference by parading in front of dancing girls." It made him ashamed. Steve just wanted to be a soldier, but he worried his country would forever only view him as a mascot.

 

Since Steve had found Bucky, however, the brunette hadn't given him reason to doubt himself. There was the usual prodding, but Steve could tell it was all in good fun. He could trust Bucky with anything. Even this new secret they were sharing. He didn't know if this was a thing they would ever be able to talk about. But right then it was enough to just exist in it and be happy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I don't see it that way," Bucky jumped to Steve's defense, noting the look of shame on his friend's face, his body language practically screaming it. "They told you what they wanted to do and you did it, and you probably saved a lot of lives with the money you raised. What could you do? They experimented on you, and frankly I don't think they expected what they got. I think they were scared of you, because they didn't know you, and so they signed you up as a poster boy," Bucky ranted, a little of his anger over the whole ordeal showing. He hated that Steve had felt he had to risk his life just to earn the right to risk his neck in a war that seemed to never end. He hated that the man he loved was so eager to give up his life. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn't make himself care. 

 

Bucky sighed, smiling to himself he looked down at his hands, and shook his head, "You care so much about everybody else," but he couldn't hold it against Steve, because it was one of the reasons he felt the way he did about him. As if realizing he was bringing up things he wasn't willing to talk about, Bucky cleared his throat, taking a deep drag of his drink before jumping to the next subject. "As for your offer, it'd be awfully wasteful if I didn't take full advantage," the brunette reached down to grab a bag of mixed nuts, then a packet of chocolate chip cookies. Unwrapping them he savored the chocolate bits, licking his fingers for every last crumb. "You've been holding out on me," he teased, giving the younger man a flirtatious pout. 

 

Bucky didn't know if things were going to change between him and Steve… If this was just a throwback to their life at home, or if Steve just needed something until he was ready to settle down… He just didn't want to ruin his friendship. Steve didn't seem like a different person, just one that had found his niche, and Bucky hoped that meant that this thing they had wasn't going to taint the blonde's opinion of him. As long as he had Steve he didn't care what happened to him. He could survive anything. 

 

The problem was that Bucky didn't even accept himself. He knew what he was and he hated it. He hated it because it wasn't what everyone needed from him. He didn't want a wife and kids, he didn't want a pretty girl, he didn't want to be on the fringes of Steve's family life. He wanted things that were unacceptable, things that would shame his family and destroy his chances of any sort of life worth living. When the war was over, he'd have to figure out what to do about that. He was certain Steve would have his girl, his house, his growing family… But what could Bucky have? Secret affairs, where any one of them could expose him for what he was? People that hated themselves and were scared enough to turn him in? A fake family life to hide in plain sight, only to sneak off like a cheating husband to live his real life? 

 

All signs pointed to a miserable existence, just because his desires didn't jive with society's expectations for him. He could lay down his life for his country, but he couldn't live it within it. It was a cruel joke. Bucky realized he'd been quiet too long. "Don't think for one moment we're not bringing this stuff. It won't last long, but I'll be damned if I'm letting these treasures go to waste," he laughed as he spoke with effort around a mouth full of dessert, laying prone, naked as the day he was born in Steve's privileged bed.

 

But could he stay there? If they were discovered, it could jeopardize everything. At the same time, there was nowhere else he'd rather be. Tomorrow they'd be setting off for what was basically a suicide mission, deep into enemy territory, not even certain what they'd find. All they knew was that Hydra was up to something, and it made the Nazis look tame. In the grand scheme of things, did it matter that he had shared his body with another man? Bucky knew his answer to that, but society rarely cared for what was fair. 

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky was right. Steve had been so focused on getting to a place where he could help his friend that he hadn't really seen what his place in the war had been. As baffling as it was to Steve, maybe he really was inspiring young people across the country, just as the films of his youth had been to him. It was difficult to view himself that way, but maybe being a role model wasn't such a frightening thing. Still, he felt he had so much more to do in order to prove to everyone that he wasn't just a pretty face in a blue suit. He was determined to make Captain America a name synonymous with bravery and valor. He owed it to the people who now looked up to him. He owed it to Bucky. He owed it to himself.

 

Steve was delighted by the way Bucky's eyes lit up at his stash of treats. "Please, be my guest." He watched as the brunette gathered them up. He noticed that his friend was grabbing mostly chocolate. A thought occurred to him that maybe he had been saving them without realizing it, hoping in the back of his mind to give it all to Bucky. "We'll take as much as we can carry. You are going to share some of that with the others, aren't you? I need--We need you in top shape. For the fight, I mean." Steve stumbled over his words. Suddenly he wasn't feeling as confident as he was in the bed. He felt certain he'd get over that soon.

 

Thinking about how he'd acted in their roll in the hay, Steve felt another burst of adrenaline. He found himself getting out of his chair and lying on the bed next to Bucky. He placed a hand on the man's chest and closed his eyes. "I don't want to jinx it, but I feel so lucky right now." It reminded him of the last night they'd spent together before going off to war. Here they were again. He prayed it wouldn't be another several months before they could spend a night like this again. Just in case, Steve wanted to hold this moment in his mind so he would never forget. "I'd be happy if we could just freeze everything right here." Of course Steve knew that things would change, but he had to ignore the future, at least for one night, and focus on how alive he felt with Bucky.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky snorted at Steve's question about sharing, raising a brow at his friend before leaning in to sip his coffee pointedly. "Those fools would stuff their gobs without a second's savoring," the brunette shook his head, thinking on how many times he'd seen them madly devour gifted delicacies. Steve's face though, it made him sigh after he'd finished his cookie. "Yeah yeah, alright, don't give me that look," Bucky couldn't hold back the laugh that his friend brought forth from him, and he tried to hide his grin behind his mug. 

 

"It's gonna be rough. And they've been good to me, so yeah, okay, but I'm keeping these," Bucky insisted as he snatched up what chocolate was visible, pursing his lips. "Those M & M rations are great, but too few and far between for my taste," the older man hummed happily as he located a bag of chocolate covered raisins. "Jackpot." The sergeant was so wrapped up in his chocolate claims that he almost missed Steve's stuttering, and the way he shifted awkwardly in his seat before moving to join Bucky in the bed. 

 

The brunette's heart sped up, his eyes steadfastly locked onto his nearly empty coffee mug as his friend slid a hand over his bare chest, the words he spoke making the smaller man freeze. This was no time to have a crisis again. He had to play it cool. Summoning up a smile he willed himself to meet the blonde's eyes, refusing to let him feel like he'd done wrong. "Me too," Bucky agreed, letting his gaze linger over Steve's familiar and yet unfamiliar features. He'd filled out so much, it was taking a bit of time to get used to. 

 

Bucky was holding onto his mug like it would protect him from conversations he wasn't ready to have, but he knew if they were coming there was nothing he could do to stop them. "We'll be sharing a tent so, don't worry. You'll have plenty of opportunities to spoil me with your stash," he teased, playing off the other man's sappy words. It wasn't like he hadn't wished and hoped and prayed every second of every day to go home safe, to see Steve and his family again… he knew what it was like to waste your time wishing. But Steve was always the optimistic one. 

 

"Don't you worry, punk. I'll be attached to your hip from now on. Can't let you out of my sight. I did it once and look what trouble you go yourself into," Bucky smirked at his friend and bumped their shoulders together, delighted he was able to playfully hassle him again. It'd been too long. 

  
  
  
  


Steve looked at Bucky, arms clutching his coffee and chocolate raisins. He couldn't help but smile. He remembered all the times the brunette had made fun of him for spacing out and being in his own little world. It wasn't a look he usually saw on Bucky's face, but it made Steve admire him even more. It reminded him what a genuine and passionate person Bucky was. The blonde hadn't realized how desperately he'd missed his friend.

 

Bucky's words eased Steve's worry, and he sighed with relief. It wasn't like last time. They weren't parting ways for the forseeable future. This was a new beginning. They were finally a team again. Not only that, but they now had the chance to prove themselves and make a real difference. Bucky had already done so much for his country. Steve wanted to spoil him as much as he could.

 

Steve looked down at his hip, which was indeed now firmly planted against Bucky's. "I hope you meant that figuratively, because I don't know if we can get out of bed like this." He braced himself for Bucky to smack him after such a lame joke, "But seriously, I'm going to keep an eye on you too, buddy." It was scary to think about what they were up against, but Steve felt confident that together, they could do anything.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky rolled his eyes and gave Steve a slap, shaking his head as he settled his empty mug on the small table, creating a pile of his chocolate next to the bed. He snorted at Steve's reply, amused by his awkwardness, but also impressed by his forwardness on the subject. It seemed things weren't as dangerously skewed as Bucky feared. Steve wasn't going to break it off, he wasn't going to turn it into something more, they were just gonna be what they'd always been. At that point in time that was what he needed. 

 

Bucky didn't want Steve to change for him, he didn't want to be pitied, he didn't want a false friendship. He was so massively relieved to find that he didn't have to worry about it. Awash with love for his friend the brunette had to blink back tears, awed by his loyalty and kindness. Steve really hadn't changed at all. "Not too close an eye I hope, how's a guy supposed to get away with anything?" he teased the blonde with a lopsided smile, once he was certain he wasn't going to cry like a baby. 

 

"I hope your celebrity excuses me from bed check, I don't feel like moving," Bucky could imagine how awful the morning was going to be, judging by the lingering soreness already setting up in his worn out body. "You'll vouch for me, right?" he gave Steve the most angelic countenance he could muster, and rolled languidly onto his back, sinking into the fluffed pillow and luxurious blankets. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Was that hellfire licking at his ass? Bucky winced for what felt like the 47th time in the last minute alone, his legs and nethers crying out with every step. No, not hellfire, not yet anyway. It was his punishment for getting carried away the night before, and he deserved it. But damn it all, it was worth it. Seeing Steve again, catching up, adjusting to his friend's new body… Bucky felt a curl of arousal at the memory of their tumble, momentarily freeing him from the near constant ache now plaguing him because of their roll in the hay.

Steve seemed to notice his issue but Bucky quickly waved dismissively before the blonde could speak, cutting him off so no one would ask questions. Catching up with his friend he ducked his head, speaking so that only Steve could hear his words, "Just a little souvenir from our nocturnal activities," he gave a wink then, relaying that he was genuinely okay, "Don't worry your pretty little head." The sergeant was warmed to the core with affection when the younger man gave him a nod and did just that, respecting his wishes. Bucky couldn't have been more attracted to Steve Rogers than he was in that moment.

  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was hours before they reached their designated camp, setting up and plotting their approach to what they had figured out was a Hydra factory. It appeared to be abandoned, but they had intelligence saying otherwise. It was gonna to be slow going in the dark, sweeping the large complex before they could move on to other targets of interest. They broke up into teams of two, eyes on every corner of the building, ensuring that no one would slip through to alert the others. If there were others. It was too damn quiet.

He and Steve took the main building in the center, Bucky glad to have the tension of the danger blocking out the pain his body was in. It was fucked up, but that was his life now. Since his Hydra capture, he always felt a little off. There was always an underlying strain of hurt throughout him, making everything feel slightly tense and raw. He'd learned to ignore it for the most part, but it was constant. Still, Steve made it easier to forget, and until the war was over, he didn't have time to worry about it.

 

In the span it takes to blink a guy's on Steve, the blonde's large form stumbling back, off balance, there's a flash of cold sharp steel in the moonlight, and Bucky doesn't think. Things really are different about him after his stay at Camp Nightmares. Lightning quick he let go of his cumbersome rifle, snapping his pistol up with ease and a crack! pop! later the man with the knife to Steve's neck crumples, the edge knicking the blonde man's exposed throat as he falls. "Steve!" Mind blanking, the soldier carelessly dropped his weapon and went to his knees, desperate hands reaching for the taller man's collar. Gripping it tighter than necessary he roughly examined the wound, heart slamming painfully against his ribcage.

"Jesus Stevie! You gotta check your corners!" Bucky was frantic, yanking his surprisingly clean handkerchief from his front pocket, dabbing at the slight cut. He wished he could say he was relieved it was just a superficial slice, but his adrenaline rush amplified his anxiety at the sight of Steve's blood. He crushed the man against his chest, arms gathering him as close as possible, and he simply clung to him for what felt like ages, but was really only a fraction of a second in real time.

Realizing he was being way too reckless with his emotions Bucky did his best to reign them in, laughing off his panic, trying to play it up. "Too bad you're gonna heal up from that, a scar or two might free up a few favorable glances from all the ladies you've been stealing away these days," the words felt like glass in his throat, but what else could he say? _'God damn it Steve, you dumb bastard, my heart can't take this, why did you come to this godforsaken place I love you you idiot just go home and wait for me!'_ ?

Bucky backed away then, pointing to the handkerchief when Steve started to move from his spot on the floor, snapping in irritation as he stooped to collect his thoughtlessly discarded weapons, "Keep it! If you keep that bullshit up, you're gonna need it." The older man stalked off in a huff, now extra aware of every shift in the air, every dark corner around them.

  
  
  
  
  


Steve scoffed. With Bucky's wit he'd never had any trouble getting away with anything. And Steve didn't mind throwing his weight around at all if it meant getting to spend more time with his friend. "I'm sure you'll manage somehow. I'll say whatever you want. You deserve a break." Watching Bucky's beautiful body lying there his first instinct was to climb on top of the man, and rather than question it, he did just that. He kissed the brunette softly on the lips as he straddled him. "Though I was thinking maybe if you're up for a second round before we go to bed..."

\---------

Steve woke up to find he was the only one in bed. He figured Bucky must have snuck out early to avoid suspicion. After he got himself dressed, he headed out into the camp and looked around. The super soldier greeted his new comrades before he saw the familiar brunette hair and muscular silhouette. As Steve approached him he noticed something was off. The man was limping and wincing in pain. Bucky must have seen the look on his face because he immediately pulled him aside and explained what was up. Steve felt horrified that he had done so much damage to his friend, but the man seemed to be in high spirits. So, at Bucky's sincere request, the blonde simply nodded and moved on.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was a long walk to their first target, a nearby Hydra factory. Steve was nervous. He may have been strong, but the rest of those men had real combat experience. They'd worked together as a team for months before they were captured. Steve didn't know where he fit in to all of it. He felt reassured having Bucky by his side, though. He did his best not to make it too obvious how much he felt for the man. They were in a terrifying situation but every time he saw Bucky's face he couldn't help but smile.

Steve's heart was racing as they began to sweep the large building. The men had spread out into groups to more efficiently clear the area. Steve took the front of his group with Bucky. He was trying to memorize who was on what team so he could keep better track of them. He felt it was his duty to look after them after everything they had done. If he lost even one of them... But all those thoughts went in a flash when he found himself being held at knifepoint. Before his fighting instincts had a chance to kick in, he heard a shot go off and the man crumpled to the ground behind him.

When he came out of his state of shock he realized Bucky was holding him. It seemed like he was crying. Steve couldn't bear to see his friend like that. He was yelling and Steve didn't know what to do. He realized he'd been bleeding from a small cut, but he hadn't even felt it. He could only imagine how terrifying it had been for Bucky though. He grabbed the handkerchief and clutched it tight. "Bucky, I'm sorry. I was worrying about everyone else. I forgot to look out for myself." Steve hadn't paid enough attention to his friend's feelings. The last thing he wanted to be was a burden. If he was going to throw off the balance of Bucky's unit then he might as well have stayed home. He made a decision there and then that there was no room for recklessness. There was real danger and they had to be careful. "I'm with you. We're gonna do this together." Steve was going to make it out of there alive. They all were. The only way they could defeat Hydra was by working as a team.

  
  
  
  
  


"You only ever worry about everybody else," Bucky grit out anxiously, continuing to sweep the area with fiery focus. It wasn't like it was the first time he'd ever gotten angry with Steve, not by a long shot, but it was the first time he felt like their lives literally depended on it. "This isn't some back alley Steve, this is war," he muttered to himself, agitated beyond being able to calm himself from it. He didn't want to get over it, he wanted to push the issue, he wanted Steve to understand how it made him feel when he got reckless. Before it was just a tussle with another guy, this was a whole new world of hurt waiting for him if he didn't wise up. It wasn't the time for it, they had bigger things to worry about.

Maybe it was just his imagination but he swore he could smell the coppery stink of Steve's spilled blood, the scent incensing him further. He thought it was bad being apart from Steve, but it was almost worse with him there, knowing that at any minute the younger man might lose his life… and there was no coming back from that. The sergeant hated to admit it but it distracted him, his mind constantly wandering to the blonde, his attentive gaze straying to check that he was safe.

 

It was in one of those weak instances that he was caught off guard, the Hydra man's large hands striking his pistol from his grip, his heavy rifle out of reach on his back as he was wrestled into a icy stone wall. The wind was knocked out of his lungs, and he struggled to gain the upper hand, deflecting rapid knife strikes left and right, crying out when his left hand was nicked. It was all the attacker needed to catch him off balance, moving the fight to the floor. Bucky's lungs cried out for oxygen as the soldier's crushing weight landed atop him, his body beginning to panic as he felt his ability to concentrate fading fast.

The knife tip hovered just above his exposed throat, suspended by the last of his strength, and he could feel the remnants waning quickly. Bucky's last thought was to check on Steve, his eyes seeking out the blonde man, arms beginning to shake from the strain of holding off his inevitable death.

  
  
  


Steve couldn't argue with Bucky. Putting everyone else's safety above his own would just get people killed. Admittedly he was so used to working alone that it was a huge adjustment, and this was the worst time imaginable to learn that he was going to need a lot more practice. But Steve had always been a fast learner. He made a concerted effort to watch how the 107th worked together. They were like a well-oiled machine, and Steve was going to find his place in that machine to make it even stronger.

Soon he and Bucky were moving in sync with each other, methodically checking each room and signalling each other when they'd cleared it. He made good of the brunette's suggestion, checking his corners vigilantly in every room he entered. Thankfully the guards weren't that smart and Steve was able to take most of them out quietly before they even noticed him. At one point Steve noticed a period of disconcerting silence. His concern turned to panic when he heard a shout and the sounds of struggling. He hurried over to where he'd last seen Bucky and his heart sank as he saw the brunette being attacked. "Bucky!" he cried. The glint of the knife approaching his best friend's neck was all he saw before he tackled the Hydra agent to the ground, beating on his head as hard as he could. His eyes were filled with rage, and it wasn't until he heard Bucky's voice behind him that he realized what he was doing and stopped.

 

Steve got himself up and wiped off his hands. The guard was out cold. His arms were still shaking as he put his hands on Bucky's shoulders. "Are you okay? God you scared me." This was exactly what he'd been worried about. One slip up and everything falls apart. They couldn't afford to be careless. Steve knew there was no time for it now, but in that moment all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Bucky and keep him safe forever. To feel the man's heart beating against his chest. His own heart was beating like it was trying to escape. "You need to be careful too, yeah? We're only just beginning. We can't get sloppy now," Steve clasped his hand tight with Bucky's, "We're in this together to the end of the line."

  
  
  
  


In a hot second the hulking man was off him, air rushing into his lungs so fast it caught in his throat, causing him to cough hard enough to rack his entire body. He buried his face in his arms, muffling the sound until he could speak again, reaching for his friend. Steve looked crazed, the man under him unrecognizable as a person, covered in blood and gore as he was. Bucky winced at the sight, calling Steve's name like he was summoning him back from the edge of an abyss.

When the blonde finally turned to him he reached out, needing the reassurance of touch. Steve was all for it, trembling hands gripping Bucky's broad shoulders tight, squeezing. The brunette saw the terror in his friend's blue-green eyes, and wished he knew what to say to calm him. But it was only ever going to get worse. So he just nodded when the other man spoke, keeping their gazes locked, a twinge of fear lancing through his heart. It was tempting to give into the powerful emotion, especially with the massive shadow of Hydra looming. In the short span of a few minutes they'd both nearly lost their lives right in front of the other, and their reactions had been to kill without concern or mercy.

Bucky knew it was what war necessitated, but he didn't have to like what it was doing to Steve. Steve who'd painstakingly nursed numerous ill kittens back to health, Steve who'd risked deadly illness to get medicine for others in the middle of winter, Steve who'd often given up his only income when he saw someone else suffering. Bucky didn't want him to lose who he was. He'd just have to make sure that didn't happen. Try as Steve might, he was still human and he still had limitations.

Bucky gave his friend's palm a squeeze as his hand was held, his senses heightened to a near painful degree as the threat of a gruesome end still lurked around every corner. Once he was released he scrabbled for his patch kit, remembering after a moment he wasn't wearing his helmet. He retrieved it from one of his many pockets after a minute's searching, wrapping his injured hand as quickly as he could. He couldn't afford an infection and he didn't have time to waste. "Let's go," he retrieved his pistol and checked the unconscious soldier for other weapons, taking his knife and tucking the gun in his belt.

There wasn't another incident after their near disasters, both of them seemingly adequately frightened by the almost fatal tragedies. The camp was contained and the factory was destroyed, ensuring no one could use the world-ending technology housed there. It had taken the majority of the day, but by the end of it they'd captured a good portion of Hydra's resources, and cut off a major asset. It was a fantastic start. It gave Bucky new hope.

The tent he and Steve were sharing was far from the luxurious one the government had provided his friend with before, but after the long day they'd had, the sergeant could have been given a mud puddle to sleep in and he would have been happy. He unlaced his boots, letting his feet breathe, eyes shutting tight in reaction to the sharp pain in his shoulders and hips. He'd really gotten his bell rung by the knife-wielding Hydra soldier, the tenderness in his arm almost made him forget about the bruises he'd gotten from Steve.

Bucky forgave those though, because it had been a labor of love. He found himself smiling as Steve entered their space a few seconds later, his rounds with  the men done for the night. "Lemme guess, you put Morita on watch for that stunt he pulled with the tower?" Bucky grinned, eyes flashing with amusement as his friend settled in. The man from Fresno had scaled a guard tower without gear and took out the Hydra grunt inside at great risk to himself and could have alerted the entire base. It had payed off though, and secretly they were impressed. Bucky was content to lay back and let Steve lead the team, giving him pointers here and there on how to deal with the men, but the blonde seemed to be a god damned natural. Figured.

"Gotta keep 'em in check. Their heads get too big, they won't be able to pull it off again," he sighed as he rubbed at his aching feet, wishing there was a cure-all for the head-to-toe soreness plaguing him.

  
  
  
  


Steve kept watch as he gave Bucky a minute to compose himself. It pained him to watch his friend in pain as the man wrapped his hand. There was no time for Steve to feel all the emotions that were trying to enter his mind at that moment. Protecting Bucky, protecting the team, protecting himself. If he thought about it, it was clearly impossible. So he didn't think about it. He followed the sergeant out of the room as they continued their mission.

Steve was still consumed with rage. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been so upset. Now he understood Bucky's reaction to the knick he'd received on his neck. Cuts healed easily enough, but nothing hurt more than seeing your friend in mortal danger. The reality of it was finally hitting Steve, and his survival instincts kicked in. If these men needed him to lead, then he was going to be the best leader they'd ever seen.

By the time the groups had finished what they'd been sent there to do and reassembled before heading to their small camp, Steve was starting to feel a lot more optimistic than he had when they'd first arrived. The team was not only getting used to having him fight alongside him, but they took naturally to his leadership. It was a strange sensation to give orders to people, and he wouldn't have done it without Bucky's go ahead. Steve was surprised at how comfortable it felt. He still had a lot to learn about military strategy, but when they were all trying to achieve the same goal, it was astonishing how collaborative they were able to be without issue. They all had their own ideas which seemed to work out well.

He congratulated everyone for a job well done before following Bucky into their tent. Some of them asked why he hadn't requested his own tent. With his fame he certainly had some pull. Steve just waved it off, claiming he didn't want to put extra strain on the unit, that he wanted to be seen as an equal. It was true, not to mention having his own tent had been so lonely. Sharing one with Bucky would be an added bonus.

He sat down next to the brunette, happy to finally be off his feet for a minute. "Morita's fine. I've known him long enough to realize he knows what he's doing." He sighed with relief as he took off his shoes and socks and the cool air hit his aching toes. "I'll put my foot down if they start getting out of line. Though I get the idea you've already set them straight long before I got here. Don't worry. I won't undercut the authority you've established." 

Steve casually placed a hand on his friend's leg, testing the waters if it was okay. All he wanted to do was to comfort his friend and ease some of the tension in his muscles. He felt a pang in his heart when he saw the bandage wrapped around Bucky's hand, stained with blood. He gave the brunette a meaningful look. He wished he could explain how much it hurt. Steve was not about to let Bucky get another scratch.

  
  
  
  
  


"He's fine huh? Let him off easy, did ya," Bucky smirked a bit to himself as he stretched and attempted to relax, somewhat dreading that in a few short hours they'd be back up and trudging on again. Steve always was a softie with people. He'd have to learn to dole out the punishments if he wanted them to learn. But it would happen, it'd just take time. Bucky was already impressed by his friend's level of experience. As Steve continued to speak though the older man felt blush creeping along his cheeks, and he shifted where he sat, trying not to smile too big.

"Well, yeah, I guess I did," he agreed, appreciating that Steve still respected him after everything, still wanted him to feel like he was an important part of the team. "Damn right you won't," he teased, though he was embarrassed by his bleeding wound, glaring evidence of his failure. Maybe he wasn't as good a leader as Steve after all. It didn't seem to matter though, as the blonde laid a hand on his sensitive leg, making Bucky pause in his awkward fretting.

Bucky tucked his injured hand away when he noted his friend looking pointedly at it, ashamed of his weakness, the brazen sign of his inadequacy. However Steve's large fingers gave his thigh a caress, his blue-green eyes warm and open. Bucky could feel his insides melting, pooling in his gut pleasantly. He had to swallow then, his heart beginning to race, the excitement crawling up his throat. "I'll have to have Morita look at it before I turn in," he admitted reluctantly, lifting his leg into the other man's palm to encourage the affection.

"I don't mind it," he reassured Steve as softly as he could, afraid to startle him out of whatever dream-fulfilling stupor he'd been in since their reunion. "I'm kinda sore all over, so any little bit helps." Bucky playfully nudged his tired limbs into the younger man's hands, hoping for more, implying he indeed wanted massaging, "But as long as my feet can carry me, I'll follow you." The sergeant smiled as sweetly as he could manage without falling into a fit of giggles from his giddiness.

  
  
  
  
  


"Sorry," Steve said. He hadn't really been thinking. He just saw Bucky in pain and wanted to offer whatever he could to ease it. He knew the sergeant would not so easily accept comfort, but he hoped that Bucky would open up a little for his old pal Steve. It was a surprise when the brunette admitted his own humanity, and allowed Steve to touch him further. Not wanting to let this opportunity get away, the super soldier gladly offered up his large hands to rub wherever his friend needed it most.

"Where does it hurt?" he asked as he continued rubbing the man's strong leg muscles. Steve knew Bucky's body well by this point, and the reaction he was getting told him he was moving in the right direction. "I'll be careful around your hand." He could tell it was a sensitive subject to Bucky, "I guess neither one of us is invincible. Just means we'll have to try harder next time. I'm not gonna let 'em take us by surprise like that again." Steve meant it. Bucky's mortality had become blatantly apparent and it terrified him like nothing else. And if that was what he needed to become the American hero of this war, then that's what he was going to focus on. Steve loved his country, but what he wanted more than anything was to bring Bucky home to it safely.

Steve smoothed out the tension in his friend's shoulders. The two men had always had a physicality between them, even before things had become more intimate. It came naturally. Touching each other made them feel more comfortable. Bucky had always been shy about it in public, but behind closed doors they could bring each other solace with the slighest gesture. Steve hadn't realized how much he'd missed the feel of Bucky's skin. It was all the more apparent now realizing how close he'd come to losing it.

"We'll be more careful from now on. It's worth the hard work to get to come back here and relax." Steve was losing himself in the motions. He could already feel himself getting excited from all the contact. Still he wasn't sure if it was okay for him to make a move. He realized he was being ridiculous. What did he have to lose at this point? They'd both almost died that day. If there was ever a time to just go for it...

He stopped massaging his friend briefly and kissed the man gently on the neck. When Bucky turned to look at him, Steve kissed him full on the lips. The feeling was electrifying. Taking what he wanted without a care in the world. And Bucky wanting the same thing.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky groaned at the question, the location of his pain being impossible to pinpoint. "Everywhere," he huffed with a grin, watching with great interest as Steve's huge hands slid over his long legs, the aching pressure in them dissolving with every gifted touch. The brunette's eyes slid shut from the relief, his head falling back, a broad smile plain on his pale face. Bucky gratefully tipped his chin to his chest to give Steve room to tend to his hunched shoulders, a moan of appreciation spilling from his lips without shame.

"Mmmph," Bucky agreed to being more careful, though realistically he knew that the more fatigued they were, the more likely they were to make mistakes. "Maybe we can bribe Howard to sneak us some liquor in the next supply drop," Bucky joked weakly, "That'll help loosen us up. I mean, he's always asking me to fondue." The sergeant was still grinning to himself when he felt the warm mouth press hesitantly to his chilled flesh, the unexpected act wiping the amusement from his crouched form instantly.

Shocked he turned on instinct, startled, not at all thinking that the thing between them would ever be a casual habit again. Not after Peggy, not with the way Steve treated her. He had to remember though, that's what it was… just a casual habit. It didn't mean he couldn't enjoy it. "Woah cowboy," Bucky breathed heavily, his body seemingly forgetting the massive amount of pain it was in the second the possibility of sex was on the table. The arousal was intoxicating. Jesus, what was wrong with him. "Not that I'm complaining but…"

Even as he said it he realized he was breaking the rule. Don't talk about it, or the spell could be broken. If Steve wanted his body, there was no way in hell he was going to turn him down. No matter what. Bucky cleared his throat, cutting himself off before he could say something that ruined the moment. "Just be gentle with me alright? I risked my life saving a national hero today," he bit his lip to try and hold back a laugh, reminding himself to keep things light.

  
  
  


When Bucky backed off from him Steve realized he may have been acting a little hasty. His first two nights back with his friend had been amazing and he didn't want to break the streak now, but the brunette was now in such pain. No matter how careful they were in the future, war was going to have a serious effect on their bodies and minds. Steve may have become a super soldier, but he was going to have to take into account that Bucky's body would need more time to heal. And the sergeant's well-being was his top priority now.

He was about to tell the man not to worry, that they could just rest up that night until next time, but Bucky surprised him by apparently changing his mind. A smile spread across Steve's face. "Of course I'll be gentle. We can take it nice and slow." He continued to kiss Bucky and ran his long fingers through the man's dark hair. His other hand found its way up the front of the brunette's shirt and he very softly caressed the man's chest.

"Is this okay?" Steve wasn't sure how far to take things. He didn't want to hurt Bucky and he was more than happy to just stay like this all night. Though he did find himself having to quiet the urge that grew inside him. His drive that was ready to rip off Bucky's clothes and ravage his whole body. But the poor man was already ravaged. Steve figured he should at least give him one night to recover, so he did his best to let Bucky control the flow as he massaged the sergeant's aching muscles.

  
  
  
  


Bucky smiled and relaxed a bit when Steve's smooth voice agreed they could take it slow, his tense form unwinding a little more when the younger man met their mouths in a grateful kiss, one that lingered until it became a gentle tangle of tongues. Bucky felt himself become lighter, shivering at the delicate way the blonde's large hands grazed over his sensitive flesh like he was made of glass. The brunette slid his uninjured hand up Steve's thick neck, marveling at the muscle definition, remembering how small and fragile he used to look

Steve had never been fragile. It had always impressed Bucky just how strong and driven the smaller man had been, when seemingly he had every disadvantage. Despite all that he flourished, never letting anyone push him around, never letting anyone suffer in his presence. The older man had never met anyone else like him, and he'd fallen for him before he'd even known what was happening. Long fingers dragged through his thick dark hair, pulling playfully, making him smile through the kiss.

 

"More than okay," Bucky answered after catching his breath, ignoring the aches and pains prickling all along his body. His injured hand carefully brushed over the one Steve petted his chest with, encouraging the affection. Biting his lip he released the blonde strands in his healthy palm, dropping it down to cup the impressive bulge in his friend's trousers, locking their eyes as he undid the folds of cloth between them. His fingertips deliberately caressed the downey soft head of Steve's awakening cock, lifting his chin to capture his lips once more.

Bucky's heart was gushing with warmth, every inch of his bruised skin crying out for Steve's molten touch, the burning scratches and soreness blessedly fading into the back of his mind. He'd do anything for this man without a thought, including giving his life to protect him. After all, what was his life without Steve Rogers? His ailing hand rested atop one of the blonde's, ignoring the sting of pain from the hurt appendage to focus on the tender massage Steve was giving his now naked chest.

Bucky didn't want Steve to hesitate, he didn't want him to ever worry about things between them. It had always been so sweet and easy, he didn't want to lose that. So there he was, shifting and shucking off his thick clothing, baring himself to the now bigger man, showing him that he was indeed willing. "What's the matter soldier," he smiled flirtatiously, looking up at Steve through heavy lashes as he gave the man's stiff cock a good firm stroke, "You act like you've never had an eager boy in your bed."

  
  
  
  


Steve was happy to find that Bucky was still feeling in the mood. His skin tingled as the man's fingers touched him. Their movements were slow and deliberate. When Bucky's hand made for his crotch, Steve shivered. Shockwaves ran through his body as Bucky touched the head of his cock. Steve did not open up easily, but he trusted Bucky more than anyone, and letting the man touch his most intimate areas now came as second nature. Still it was never a feeling he would tire of. Bucky always knew exactly how to get his heart racing.

He assisted Bucky in getting his shirt off without hurting his hand too badly. The brunette seemed eager enough that he no longer cared about being hurt, but Steve continued slowly. He began to feel maybe he'd gotten too used to the quickies they'd been having. Taking things slowly was a worthwhile effort. Pushing each other closer and closer to the edge until neither partner can take it any longer. They'd had a few nights like that in the past. When they'd wanted to be quiet so as not to wake their parents. Though it was still a worry worth considering, seeing as they were in a small camp full of soldiers. Steve doubted however that they would be heard over the roars of frivolity going on outside.

Steve began removing his own clothes after he found Bucky quickly becoming far more naked than he was. He loved to run his fingers all over the brunette's body, now more muscular than he'd known when they were back in Brooklyn. Bucky seemed to have refused to let go of Steve's erection, now rock hard and throbbing with pleasure. It took all of his concentration to keep himself from the edge. Bucky was clearly ready to go, so Steve decided to change things up a bit.

"Lie back," he commanded, "We'll see how eager you are." Steve slowly positioned himself over Bucky's prone body, and wrapped his fingers around the man's thick member. "Just relax and let me take care of you." With that he slipped the head of Bucky's cock into his mouth and teased it with his tongue. Steve moved his head up and down as he pleasured as much of his friend's shaft as he could take, one hand stroking the base of it as his other caressed the brunette's chest. Before long he could feel it twitching against his tongue, but Steve didn't stop. He wanted Bucky to let everything go. He wanted all of it.

  
  
  
  


Bucky couldn't believe how natural it felt to have Steve's erection in his hand, but he supposed he shouldn't be surprised, after all it was a ritual they'd had since their first fumbles as teens.He didn't want to be used to it though, because he knew it was temporary. The conflicted feelings became even worse as Steve further surprised him, settling between his legs, taking his hardness into his soft supple mouth. Bucky moaned from the heat of it, momentarily frozen by the perfection, the smaller man shivering where he lay back on his sleeping bag.

The sergeant wanted to be able to just enjoy it, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this kindness was obligation… How could Steve understand, when he wasn't like Bucky. This was just a passing thing to him, messing around with his best buddy, and one day it'd be over and he'd move on to what he really wanted. But for the brunette it was his reality, it was his truth. He'd always known he was different, but he hadn't realized how wrong it was until he'd grown up and experienced the world as an adult. People were cruel and nothing was fair, and one day he'd have to give this up, or he'd be made to pay for it.

As much as it was his identity, it wasn't Steve's, and he was alright with that. It hurt to think about too much, but he understood that he had to be realistic. Bucky didn't want his last acts on Earth to be pained, angry, resentful. If he was going to die here, he was going to do it fighting for Steve, fighting for people to be free… and maybe one day they could see him and people like him as deserving of true freedom too. "Stevie," Bucky gasped as a particularly clever stroke over the head of his cock made his knees tremble, his uninjured hand gripping at his friend's blonde locks desperately.

It appeared the man wasn't stopping, but Bucky didn't think Steve really got what that meant. "Steve, Steve I'm gonna… You don't have to, it's okay…" Under his labored breath he sighed, 'oh god…' his body fighting with his mind every second that passed. Steve had never done this before, he didn't know, and Bucky didn't want their time together to be tainted by a shocking reminder that he was indeed male. But the longer he lingered in his haze of pleasure, the less he cared.

  
  
  
  


Steve loved the feel of Bucky's erection in his mouth. He had spent his fair share around other men, so he knew that these feelings were uncommon, or at least well hidden. But ever since he'd started fooling around with his friend, he'd been forced to think about why he felt the way he did. Steve didn't understand why men and women were so divided in people's minds. He cared for Bucky more than anyone else, so why must he be precluded from expressing his adoration? He could see as well as any woman what an attractive man Bucky was. And pleasing his friend this way simply felt as an extension of their love for each other. It could never be shared in public, but maybe that didn't matter when they still had each other.

He heard Bucky's pleas for him to stop, but he knew the pleasure was too much to resist, so he continued, licking every inch of the man's cock and savoring the feel of it. "I know I don't have to. I want to." Steve had been afraid the first few times he'd fooled around with his friend, but Bucky had soon made him comfortable, assuring him that it was all in good fun. Now it came as second nature. He knew his way around Bucky's body more than he did his own, especially now that his body had changed so drastically.

It seemed that Bucky could stand this agony no longer, so Steve decided to finally let him have his release. He wrapped his fingers around Bucky's slick member and stroked it hard until the brunette came all over his chest. The sight of it pleased Steve, to know that he could bring such ecstasy to his best friend and make him forget about his pain for a minute. Nothing else mattered. He climbed up to Bucky's face and kissed his lips deeply, still stroking as much as he could out of him. Steve collapsed on his friend's still trembling body. "It's nice to know I still have such an effect on you," he teased as he caressed Bucky's handsomely stubbled face.

  
  


Bucky may have been mostly gone from the pleasure coursing though every inch of him, but he was present enough to realize what a big moment this was for them. In all the time they'd been together, Steve had never given of himself like this. Bucky was the one that did all the work, really, and it scared him a little that things were changing. Whether it was the war, or age, or something else… Bucky was both grateful and terrified of it. But there they were, no longer just fumbling in the dark, but moving with purpose, with comfort.

The older man clung to his friend as he felt the last of his resolve go, giving in to the tenderness being shown to him, relaxing and letting it happen. Bucky bit at his own lips as he desperately tried to keep quiet, knowing that just on the other side of their paper thin tent there were a bunch of guys that might not appreciate such a show. When it hit it hit hard, the brunette unable to catch an errant whimper as his release startled him with its intensity, silly to him considering it wasn't happening at the most opportune time.

Bucky looked down at himself as Steve hovered over him, the mess he'd made causing him to blush a deep red, it was so unusual. He was always the one making the blonde man squirm, taking his mind off of things, giving him his hands and lips. It was somewhat awkward allowing the same for himself, feeling like he'd created some sort of obligation between them. But Steve had insisted, he'd pushed, he'd wanted to do this for his friend.

The sergeant was beginning to wonder if he knew his friend at all. Certainly he should know if Steve said it, he meant it. There was no one more sincere than Steve Rogers. He was as serious as a heart attack. Gasping for air the injured man settled back on the chilled ground, his blankets affording him little luxury, but he didn't honestly care in that moment. He was so warm from their activities that it was a relief really. Bucky ended up crying out softly into Steve's kiss as the bigger man continued to stroke his sensitive shaft, milking him for everything he had.

"Jesus Steve, I knew that mouth was sinful but I had no idea…" Bucky muttered the breathy words as the blonde reached up and caressed his flushed face, unable to meet his friend's eyes for fear he'd see what he was thinking. Steve didn't need to worry about his crippling lovesickness. Cracking a smile he buried the twinge of painful longing, snaking his good hand down to run a playful finger along Steve's own straining member. "At attention I see, like a good soldier," Bucky teased from where he lay with Steve's hulking form looming over him, exhausted but more than willing to accommodate his best friend, no matter what he wanted. "What can I do for you Captain, sir?"

  
  
  


Steve had been so intently focused on bringing his friend to completion that he'd scarcely thought about his own libido. When Bucky's hand found his crotch, however, he realized how desperately he needed the man's touch as he succumbed to the waves of pleasure coursing through his body. "Yes Bucky. Please. I need it." Steve was already lost to the urge. He could no longer hold himself back. "If it's alright, you can let me inside you again."

Steve's body was exhausted but aching for more. Every stroke of Bucky's hand felt like it brought him to the edge of orgasm. He couldn't stand it another second. He spread Bucky's legs and lubed himself up as well as he could. Once assured that he had the brunette's okay, Steve inserted himself as deeply as he could. The feeling made him shiver as his breath caught. He held on tight to Bucky and rode him hard, enjoying every second of their connection.

Though he had wanted this session to last longer than usual, Steve found he just wanted that sweet release. "Bucky... I can't take it any longer. I'm almost there." The blonde wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist, putting every ounce of energy he had left into the final thrusts as he felt himself let go before collapsing on top of the man again, still twitching and dripping inside of him. "I'm sorry that was so... You just get me too excited sometimes." Steve's self-consciousness crept back in as his over-rationalizing brain took over. "I hope I didn't hurt you. You can always tell me to stop, you know." He looked into Bucky's eyes as he clung close to his chest, never wanting to let go and hoping with everything he had that he hadn't offended his best friend.

  
  


Of all the things that came to Bucky's mind at his offer to his friend, he was least expecting him to want that particular experience again. But oh boy, he'd done it. Steve was a stubborn one, and like a dog with a bone he wasn't letting this one go. The brunette had been afraid that the blonde would be awkward, disgusted, that the whole thing would turn him off and that would be that. But only a couple days in and the man was practically salivating for it. It was both exciting and a little nerve-racking. Every time they did this, a little more of himself went to Steve, a little more of his resolve to let him go crumbled away. Still, he couldn't refuse him... because he wanted it too.

"Yeah, okay, at your service, sir," Bucky answered the needy jumbled reply as best he could, noting his friend was lost to his passions, barely aware of where they were. Bucky was acutely aware, and was struck by the deepest concern that this sloppy stress relief would definitely get them caught out here where things moved fast and danger was very real. Even if it didn't end in a dishonorable discharge and a blue note, the alternative was just as undesirable. Bucky had never had a hankering to die, but now he really felt like he had something to live for, even for a little while.

In a New York minute he was spread open and Steve was wasting no time slipping inside, and Bucky was impressed by how quickly the other man had taken to a life of sodomy. Biting his lip as his captain seated himself he concentrated on relaxing as best he could, his body resisting the intrusion as it was still beaten up from the struggle earlier in the day. The brunette didn't care though, the dull pain was a small price to pay to have the blonde man so intimately close to him, in ways Bucky had only ever fantasized about. Even if nothing came of it when their tryst ended, he'd still have the memories.

Steve was an absolute animal, typically vibrant eyes dark with his need, big hands heavy and forceful. Bucky felt his heart skip at the excitement of it, he'd never seen his friend that way before. The blonde always had a clearness to his gaze, an openness that soothed him and made others trust him. But that was clouded now, stripped away by his ravenous passion, normally gentle hands firmly pulling and pushing Bucky's hips and legs to where they were desired. It was easy to get caught up in it, his heart racing as Steve's deep voice rumbled in his ear, skipping with every desperate thrust that shook his smaller form.

Bucky's throat ached with the urge to moan, his pleasure from the act driving him mad having to deny it. He was forced to clap his injured hand over his mouth, stifling the sounds he couldn't contain any longer, his healthy palm grasping and clinging to any part of Steve it could. The sergeant squeezed his eyes shut, moving with his friend as he sought his completion, shivering to his core with every roll of the bigger man's hips. It was like a dance. Steve's release hit him hard, the large form atop him shuddering and pressing heavily into his worn body, forcing what little air he had left from his lungs. Bucky smiled though, skin still tingling from the fervent act, though his hand throbbed with protest from its poor treatment.

The older man shook his head at Steve's seemingly embarrassed words, working to catch his breath when the weight was lifted from him a bit. When he could speak again he had to push past the reawakened libido nipping at his nerve endings, knowing he was too exhausted to really enjoy it anyway. "I know, I know, stop worrying," Bucky waved off Steve's concern casually, grinning to show he was indeed fine, purposefully meeting their gazes despite his anxiety over the poignant intimacy. "I don't do anything I don't want to," he reassured his friend in a breathy voice, steadfastly ignoring the stinging in his bleeding hand. "What are friends for?" Bucky teased confidently, even through the shivers chasing over him from the thick cock still twitching against his delicate insides. Damn if he didn't want it again, even if it was impossible.

The sergeant did his best to hide his agitated wound, his good hand stroking Steve's moist back, bright blue eyes staring pointedly at his friend's lips. He knew he'd do anything for Steve, but he suspected the blonde was starting to realize it. Bucky could only hope his friend didn't see it as a weakness. He wasn't going to be sidelined for being soft.

  
  
  
  
  


As long as Bucky was happy, Steve felt he could relax. "I couldn't have hoped for a better friend than you." He lay on the brunette's chest for a moment, thinking about everything. Even despite the danger they'd faced that day, he couldn't help but feel optimistic. They'd overcome their disadvantages by working as a team, and Steve knew they'd only get better, especially with nights like this one to look forward to.

As much as he would have loved to lie on top of Bucky all night, Steve knew his friend needed rest, so he reluctantly removed himself to let the man breathe. As he moved, he heard a wince of pain escape Bucky's lips. "What's wrong?" Steve knew it was his hand. A quick look and he could tell it had started bleeding again. "Dammit Buck. Why didn't you say anything? I'm changing that bandage right now." He quickly got his first aid kit and sat down next to his hurt friend. He carefully removed the gauze and inspected the wound. It could have looked better. They both knew that Bucky should have had it patched up as soon as they got back, but they'd been in such a daze, Steve decided to let it go.

He disinfected the cut, being as gentle as he could, but thorough enough that he could let the brunette sleep with it in good conscience. He worried about Bucky sometimes. They had both been so careless that day. They would have to do better next time, but Steve knew he wouldn't make the same mistake twice. The least he could do now was to take care of the man who had so often taken care of him. He wrapped Bucky's hand in a new bandage before gently tying it off. "You had better get this looked at in the morning. First thing. Captain's orders." He joked, as they both knew Steve had no official authority. But he hoped Bucky understood how much he cared about him. Steve never wanted his friend to get hurt again, but he would gladly care for every scratch the man took in battle.

It was difficult for Steve to leave Bucky's side. Caring for him only made their connection deeper. The feeling was unmistakable. He ran his fingers through the soldier's soft dark hair. "Okay now you have to get some sleep," A smirk crept along his face as he continued, "but if you need me to keep you warm in your bunk, I don't mind."

  
  
  


"Damn right, and don't forget it," Bucky agreed with Steve's assessment of their friendship, feeling pretty damn good about himself in that moment. Wrong or not, Steve was apparently happy about their physical actions and for a while he was glad the nagging fear wouldn't bother him. For a while. In the meantime Steve relaxed against him and Bucky tenderly stroked along his broad back and shoulders with his good hand, petting the soft blonde hair of his friend. It was the most relaxed he'd felt since before being shipped out. Since before he'd known he was going. Come to think of it, it was the most at home he'd ever felt, and it was all thanks to Steve.

Before he'd been aware of his affliction, his wrongness, knew that he'd be tainting Steve if he kept up their messing around… It had frustrated him and saddened him equally. But joining the military showed him just how normal it really was. Even men that had no attraction to other guys were inclined to have a roll in the homosexual hay, if just for the stress relief. Still, despite all of the normalcy, it didn't make it acceptable anywhere else. It was infuriating. Such a tiny personal thing could ruin their lives, and it was nobody's god damned business but their own. Bucky was surprised at his own thoughts, how angry it made him to be what he was. He supposed it was mostly his unrequited feelings for Steve, and the idea of living on without him once his friend settled down. The brunette was getting a taste of what his life could look like if things were different, but he knew it was an impossibility. It just… Damn it, his eyes were misting.

Blinking back the tears that threatened to fall he swallowed his building emotions, reminding himself that he was being a sissy and it needed to stop. Dwelling on fairy fantasy was a waste of time, and how could he put so much pressure on Steve? The guy was just getting used to his own skin, for crying out loud. He probably felt invincible, and their little secret was just an extension of that excitement he was experiencing. _Just enjoy the ride_ , Bucky told himself for what felt like the millionth time silently, closing his eyes as he reveled in the closeness.

Before long Steve was moving though, sitting back, and just like that he was discovered for his personal negligence. The sergeant frowned as he was chided by his friend, rolling his eyes a bit. "It's only a scratch, it's nothing," Bucky sat up as he was guided to, holding still while the blonde redressed his wound. He couldn't help but feel warmed by the care he was bin shown, feeling his chest seemingly attempt to expand from all the emotion growing in him. He was such a sap. "Sir, yes sir," Bucky pursed his lips as he responded to the order playfully, "First thing."

There was a second or two between them without words, without movement, where they simply gazed at one another. When Steve reached up to touch Bucky's hair the older man felt his breath catch. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but it never came. His friend was speaking then, and the sergeant was happy that the affection didn't stop. He subtly leaned into it, not willing to lose the physical connection, and found himself smiling somewhat shyly at the awkward flirtation Steve was sending his way. It was so odd, for Steve to be the one pushing the issue, making the moves. Bucky kinda liked it… a lot.

"It's your tent too Steve, unless you don't sleep anymore," Bucky teased the super-soldier with a bit of snark, turning his head to cause Steve's fingertips to brush over his cheek and lips. "It gets awfully cold, we're gonna wanna conserve body heat," the brunette raised a brow suggestively, "Sir."

  
  
  
  


"Actually I tried to pull an all-nighter when I was on tour. Had two shows back to back in Atlanta and Detroit. I found out the hard way that my batteries still need recharging." Steve played along with Bucky's obvious teasing, "Yeah, you're right. Wouldn't wanna get hypothermia when we've already come this far. We'd best play it safe. We owe it to our men." 

He was about to lay down in Bucky's bunk before he realized that in his current state there would be no room for the both of them. He motioned for the brunette to stand and then pushed the two of their beds as close to each other as possible, making them join together nicely. "There. Now we can keep each other warm without falling on the floor." He smiled and got into their now queen-sized bed, patting the space next to him for Bucky to join him.

 

 

  
Bucky had to bite his lip as he attempted not to smile too large, his friend's invitation too much. In all his wildest dreams he hadn't seen his time in the army as going anything like this. The sergeant once again wondered if he'd indeed died and somehow slipped into Heaven. Clearing his throat he nodded, steeling himself for what lay ahead, the slightest smirk on his lips as he slid into the spot Steve had offered him and pressed close to the big warm body. "We owe it to our men."


	5. Chapter 5

 

Steve was awakened with a start by a voice outside his tent. "Mister, uh, Captain Rogers? Sir? Are you awake? I wouldn't bother you except Mr. Stark sent me to get you. He said it was urgent, sir." He took a moment to become aware of his surroundings. Bucky still slept beside him. He realized he'd need to respond quickly or else he'd have a lot of questions to answer. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Tell him I'll be right there. Thanks." He heard footsteps walking away from the tent and let out a relieved sigh before getting out of bed. He carefully moved his bunk back to its original position and got himself dressed as fast as he could, all the while watching as his friend slept soundly, not wanting to disturb his slumber. Glancing at the clock he'd only snatched a few hours of sleep. Steve wanted Bucky to be well rested for the day ahead, so he left the tent without waking him.

The super soldier hurried across the camp to where Howard was staying. Steve had scarcely seen the man since they'd left base camp, only briefly poking his head out of his tent for someone to bring him food. What could be so urgent that he needed Steve there at the crack of dawn? "Mr. Stark? It's Rogers." he called outside the tent. For a moment there was no reply, then without warning, Howard's head appeared between the flaps and gave Steve a quick lookover. "Ah good, you're here. Come in! Come in!"

The inside of Howard Stark's tent looked much as Steve would have imagined. Tables lined with gadgets, prototypes, and parts filled what little space he was given. They had to squeeze and climb over things to get through it all. "How did you even carry all this with you?" Howard seemed to ignore him as he went to grab something from one of the tables, "Here it is. I wanted to make sure this fits you before you head out today." The engineer was holding up a suit that looked similar to the costume Steve had worn as Captain America, but as he looked at it he soon realized it was exactly what he and Bucky had designed the other day. "You already made this?"

"Sure did, pal. I liked your design, and this one should provide you some actual protection in battle." Steve was speechless. He wasn't used to this kind of treatment. How could he ever repay how much Howard had done for him? "This is too much Howard, I..." Stark cut him off, "Wait kid, that's not all." He pulled away a sheet to reveal a shiny dome lying next to the suit. It was the vibranium shield, but it had apparently been painted to match his costume. Steve picked it up, marveling at how comfortable it felt on his arm. "Don't you worry about scratching that paint. I build things to last. Now let's get you suited up."

Soon Steve was looking in the mirror at himself in his new armor. It was perfect. For the first time he felt like the guy in the poster. Like he could actually do something as Captain America. Howard was beaming, "Fantastic! No adjustments needed. That's why I always say measure ten times, cut once!" Steve turned to look at how snugly everything fit to his body, and for a second he wondered how closely Howard had measured him. But then there was only one thought on his mind. "I can't wait to show Bucky."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky woke to a cool quiet tent and filtered sounds of the camp just outside, his heart falling a bit when he saw that Steve wasn't still next to him. He gave himself a tight-lipped smile and rolled his eyes, again kicking himself for thinking anything had really changed. They still had to keep up appearances. The sergeant found himself wincing when he tried to shift, his body even more sore than it had been. "I feel like one big bruise," he muttered to himself as he forced his tired form to move, shuffling out of his sleeping roll more slowly than usual. 

Sighing he ignored the aches and pains, only hissing in shock when he jarred his lacerated hand. "Damn it," he'd forgotten all about it, as irritating as it was. The night before was coming back to him slowly, and he recalled his promise to Steve. "First thing," he repeated to himself, finding clean clothes and pulling them on. He ran his healthy hand though his dark rowdy hair instead of looking for his comb, tugging his jacket into place as he made to leave the tent exiting into the chill morning air. 

It was cold enough he could see his breath, and he swallowed as the icy wind bit at his moist lips. Turning them inward he endeavored to keep them warm, eyes sweeping the horizon for Morita. If he wasn't out and about he'd be by Howard's tent, the two enjoyed each other's jokes a little too much. Carefully tucking his hand away to protect it from the cold he made his way towards the large set up, only to nearly bump into the medic as he went. 

"I caught a little steel yesterday," Bucky shrugged awkwardly, offering his injured appendage to the other man, wondering if he was going to get lectured. Morita looked like he was thinking about it but didn't go there thankfully, just giving him a disapproving look and dragging him off to the med tent. "I didn't just leave it, I took care of it," Bucky defended himself, though it really wasn't necessary as Morita just grabbed what he needed and began cleaning and patching it up. 

"I have no doubt you knew what you were doing. Wouldn't be where you are if you didn't," the Asian man spoke matter-of-factly. Bucky was relieved, but it didn't last long, as the other man began telling one of his terrible jokes to pass the time. "A young woman was arranged to marry a much older man, and she ended up telling her parents she refused to go through with it because - she didn't want to feel old age creeping up on her." Morita kept a straight face as he waited for the meaning to catch up with the brunette, the sergeant rolling his eyes as he finally scoffed at the meaning. "Eh! Eh! It's a good one, right? Well Howard liked it," the young man defended, finishing up his work and then giving Bucky's shoulder a friendly pat. 

"Yeah yeah, we can't all have bad taste," Bucky shot back with a grin, then gave a nod and slipped some gloves on, careful not to jostle his injury. He could swear he heard Steve's voice nearby, and following the source was elated to find he was correct. Pulling back the flap he was greeted by the sight of a lifetime, his best friend standing tall and proud, dressed in his new gaudy Stark Industries suit. The older man had to run a hand over his mouth to make sure he wasn't drooling, once he got over the shock of amusement at the strangeness of it. "You really took my suggestions to heart," Bucky teased as he approached, noting how nicely the clothing fit Steve's figure. "All of them."

  
  
  
  
  


Steve jumped when he heard Bucky's voice approaching, as though his thoughts had summoned the man out of nowhere. "Well you've got more field experience than I do. If I'm going to wear something like this in battle, I wanted to make sure it was functional." Steve trusted Bucky's judgment completely. Besides, this way he could still be a symbol for their country without standing out too much. "What do you think of the shield? This is sure to offer a lot more protection than the tin one I carried on stage." Steve could see the admiration in Bucky's eyes. It made him feel special. Then he saw the brunette's hand. "How is that doing? Looks like you got it checked out finally." He slung his arm around the man's shoulders. "We'll be ready for 'em next time." Howard seemed eager to show off his work to the whole camp, so the two friends followed him outside.

It wasn't until Steve was out under the morning sun that he began to realize what a ridiculous proposition this was. These men had been at war for months, and now a man wearing a Halloween costume and a big metal circle was going to fight alongside them? He figured he could deal with it. As long as Bucky liked it he didn't care what anyone else thought. Morita, Dugan, and many others gathered around as they emerged from the tent. Steve braced himself for humiliation, but as they looked at him, and at Bucky, their reactions were not what he'd expected. "Hey, nice duds, Cap!" Dugan said as he knocked on the blue helmet to check how sturdy it was, "Can't wait to see what you can do with that shield." The other men also seemed impressed. It was still baffling to Steve, but they really seemed to look up to him. Maybe wearing such a getup wasn't so weird after all.

As the soldiers dispersed, Steve saw another figure walking toward them. It was Peggy Carter. The two of them had barely spoken since she'd shot at him. He felt himself instinctively raise his shield a few inches as he glanced at Bucky with a terrified look on his face. "Hey, Peggy, I mean, Agent Carter. How are you?" If he'd had a gun he would have shot himself in the foot after that. "Rogers," she replied, "I see you got yourself a new wardrobe." Steve looked down at himself as though he'd forgotten what he was wearing, "Oh, yeah. With Barnes and Stark's help. Just... felt it was time for an upgrade." He shuffled a bit in his new boots. He was starting to feel very warm in his suit. "Well," Carter said, "Maybe now you boys won't get slashed up on every mission, hm?" Steve winced as he looked at Bucky's hand, "You heard about that, huh?" "Yes," she said, "I'll see you in the briefing room at 0800. Good morning, gentlemen." As she walked away Steve felt he could finally breathe again. He turned to Bucky, "That could have gone worse, right?"

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky was still staring when Steve addressed him, having to practically shake himself out of it to get his words going. "No no, it's good, it's good," the sergeant repeated while nodding, bringing his good hand up to tug at the thigh holster, noting the trousers left nothing to the imagination. Jesus. "Really good." The older man cleared his throat, bringing his hand up to anxiously touch his mouth, swearing he could not control his jaw dropping. "Very… stream-lined," he gave a nod to Howard, who seemed delightfully tickled by his nervously energetic reaction. The bastard was smirking at him like he knew something. 

As the mad scientist lead them out of the tent, Bucky swallowed hard upon being pulled close to Steve's large body, noting just how small he now felt next to him. "Oh, yeah, Morita says it looks fine. I told you it was nothing," he tried to defend his stubbornness from before, refusing to get it looked at right away. When the other men gathered around to look Steve over, Bucky felt pride in knowing him, in being able to call Steve his friend first. He'd seen the hero in him before anyone else would even give him a glance. It was about time the man got some recognition. And he still hadn't forgotten Bucky. The sergeant was ashamed that the thought had ever crossed his mind. Steve even took the time to check his reaction when the others complimented him, as though he cared more for what Bucky had to say about it than anyone else. Bucky was giving him what was becoming an unabashed smile when the blonde suddenly tensed, his attention turning elsewhere. 

When the brunette looked over he was surprised to see Agent Carter had arrived, marching directly towards them like it was her only business. Bucky stood a little taller himself, his mood shifting drastically with her presence. He knew how she felt about Steve, and he knew that Steve was sweet on her, no matter what the younger guy said about it. A frown tugged at his lips and he clenched his jaw, battling with his own emotions. It wasn't her fault how he felt, any of it. How could she know he was stupidly in love with his best friend? She was just as blinded by Steve as he was. Still, he didn't have to like it. 

Carter brought attention to his injured hand and he lifted it to examine without even realizing it, wondering how word had gotten around so fast. It was like she had eyes everywhere. Maybe she did. Bucky felt a hot blush creep over his cheeks as he felt like she was making a pointed note of his slip up, but did she have any idea the reason for it? He doubted it. He'd lose a limb if it meant keeping Steve safe, and no mistake. He wasn't going to feel bad about it. She soon made her exit and Bucky could see the tension almost vibrating in Steve's broad form, hating how much she got under his friend's skin. 

It took a moment for him to realize he'd been spoken to and he took a deep breath, trying to calm the rampant emotions left swirling throughout his battered body. "Only if she'd shot you again," he muttered in answer as he adjusted his gloves, tucking the bandages into the cuff of his jacket to keep the cold out. He knew there was no place for jealousy where they were, but it wasn't like he could control it. Still, he didn't need Steve to worry. "I better go grab some grub, you can fill me in on the briefing later, over some real coffee."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Still shaken by Agent Carter's presence, Steve gave Bucky a pat on the back, "You had me at coffee. Keep it warm for me." He felt a little disappointed that they were going to have to separate again, but it just made him more excited to join his friend for breakfast. The men exchanged smiles before he headed over to where Peggy was waiting for him, not bothering to change as they'd be shipping out that morning, and he was going to have to get used to wearing his new suit at some point.

Steve found Carter and Colonel Philips waiting for him under the open tent. A folding table with a small map spread across it sat in the center, the others standing around it. "Rogers reporting for duty, sir." He stood at attention at the entrance. "At ease, soldier," the colonel replied, "I gotta say I wasn't sure about this blue suit Stark whipped up for ya. But hell as long as you're helping us win the war I don't care what color you are. Now I'll keep this short and sweet. The next Hydra warehouse is six clicks southwest. Clear it out like the rest and we'll be one step closer to ending this mess." "Yes sir," Steve said, though something was still nagging him, "Permission to speak freely sir?" "Granted." "Sergeant Barnes is a senior officer. Why hasn't he been invited to these briefings?" The colonel looked annoyed at the question, "Aw, hell! I don't have the time to gather everyone for every damn thing. They all look up to you already. Besides, you and Barnes are practically joined at the hip. You're dismissed, Rogers. Spread the word. And be careful. I'm trusting you out there." Steve saluted the colonel, "Sir!" But as he was turning to leave, he heard Peggy's voice call out to him, "Oh and Rogers," He stopped and turned to her. "I know you're excited about your new armor but do try NOT to get stabbed this time, won't you?" He gave her an embarrassed smile and nodded as he left.

Steve felt a little worried about how he'd presented himself. He wasn't used to these military meetings. Philips and Carter at least didn't seem to overtly hate him. So that was a relief. All he wanted to do then was to meet up with Bucky and eat something. He was going to need his energy for the day ahead. The mess tent was mostly made up of a few tables and stools. He saw Bucky sitting alone on top of an upturned bucket, sipping his coffee. Steve waved at him before pouring himself a cup and joining his friend. "Sorry to keep you waiting for all of three minutes," he said, pulling up a bucket, "I guess they wanted us to have time to enjoy our breakfast. Colonel said we're hitting another warehouse this morning." He sipped his coffee, savoring the flavor. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best they were going to get way out here, and Steve made sure to appreciate it.

For a second his mind flashed back years ago to a moment when he and Bucky had indulged themselves by visiting a little diner in Brooklyn, eating eggs and drinking coffee as they watched the city bustling outside the window. Steve desperately hoped they could go back there one day, but for now, it was enough to be anywhere, with any food, as long as he was alongside his best friend once again.

  
  
  
  
  


"The colonel isn't known for his patience," Bucky commented brusquely he hastily scooped up the last of his potatoes, licking his hand when a bit of his food tumbled off his fork. He was starved, feeling like he hadn't eaten in a week. He was sure it was a combination of getting injured, trudging through the mud, and the long night he'd had with Steve. Still, he never felt as though he satiated his hunger. He tried to ignore his building worries about Zola's experimentation. So far he hadn't turned red or lost his skin, he figured he might be out of the woods. 

It hurt a little that he hadn't been included in the briefing, brief as it was, but at the same time it spared him having to witness Carter's blatant flirtations with Steve. It was a mixed blessing. He wondered if his bitterness had stood out when he'd parted from his friend, but he hoped not. There was enough to worry about without drama erupting between them. "Gotta enjoy this mess before it's back out in the field," Bucky mumbled through his meal, sopping up what little remained on his plate with bread covered in marmalade. He licked at his fingertips, savoring the sweetness, shaking his head. "You know they're gonna issue k-rations. Have you tasted those things? I swear I could feel my bones after a week of that behind the lines," Bucky returned his plate to the mess attendant, giving the serviceman a smile and took his seat once more. 

"Traded my last pack of cigs for some real coffee. I dunno how long your stash is gonna last and damned if I'm gonna be out there with shit coffee," Bucky gave his friend a grin despite his seemingly sour mood, letting him know it was all an act. "Can't rely on battery acid for a pick me up, Gabe's crazy to be drinking that horse piss," the sergeant made light of the lemon powder they were supposed to take with their rations. The stuff was beyond terrible, but Gabe often took pride in downing the stuff like it gave him an edge. 

Bucky cleared his throat then, finishing off his cup, "Enough about the slop they call food, I'm running my gums too much. Where's this warehouse? It the one to the south west? It's close enough that we can hit it in a couple hours on foot. It's like soup out there, so I guess it's a better day than most to make a go of it," Bucky ran a hand through his hair once more, glad he didn't waste time cleaning up for a meeting he didn't need to attend. "Gonna make sniping a bitch of an ordeal though."

  
  
  
  
  


Steve ate along with his friend, doing his best to reassure him. "Yeah. It's no Coney Island hot dog, but it's no worse than the stuff we had to eat as kids." When he and his mom had been struggling to make ends meet, she'd taught him to always appreciate what he had, no matter how little. It may have been lacking in flavor, but it was still food. He knew deep down that Bucky felt the same way. There must have been something else bothering him.

He was happy to change the subject. Anything to make Bucky forget about the food. "That's the one. I'm hoping today will go much more smoothly. I feel like the men and I are getting more used to working with each other." Steve didn't want to jinx it, but he felt that with the right teamwork they would be invincible. Hydra may have had all of the most advanced weapons technology, but the bravery and skill of the 107th was unmatched. Steve was proud to be a part of them. So he wondered all the more why Bucky was feeling so discouraged.

As they sat there Steve thought back to what had happened so far that morning. Perhaps Bucky was feeling neglected? He'd left without saying anything and spent time with Howard and Peggy, but that was all part of the mission. Could that have been what was bothering him? He figured it was better to ask than to sit there wondering. "Hey I'm sorry I wasn't able to be there when you woke up. Seems like everyone needs my help lately. But hey at least I'm keeping them out of your hair, right?" He felt incredibly awkward. Like everything he could think to say was the wrong thing. "I'm just really happy to be here with you. I'm not used to having so many new friends. But you'll always be the one I most look up to." He was staring a hole in his coffee mug, trying not to blush or cry or let the whole camp hear what a sap he was. "I need you. Not only on the battlefield, but right here and now. I would never have made it this far if it weren't for you." There were never enough words for Steve to convey his true feelings for his friend. But every time he let himself ramble on, he felt a little bit closer to finding the truth.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky gave a nod and a smile when Steve talked about getting on better with the guys, thinking on how all of them, especially Dugan, seemed to be making an effort to bond with him. "Yeah well, they're good guys. They appreciate zero bullshit, so the more straight you are with them, the more they'll like you," the sergeant shrugged, happy to hear that his friend was comfortable in his new position. It got quiet between them then, and the brunette felt his nerves prickling awake, as if things weren't right. He didn't like always worrying, waiting for the other shoe to fall, but he'd made his bed… 

At Steve's next words Bucky's gaze shot to the nearest soldiers, relieved when they were too involved in their card game to have overheard the blonde's suggestive apology, his anxiety shooting through the roof. He shifted awkwardly in his seat, hoping the other man might pick up on his discomfort. "Right," he answered shortly, glad to see the mess attendant was too busy collecting trays to eavesdrop. Bucky's eyes were on everyone but Steve, horrified at the heedless openness his friend was displaying. It wasn't like anyone could know the details of what the younger man was saying, but the intimacy of the subject matter was enough to set him on edge

When Steve blessedly stopped talking, the sergeant swallowed hard, the empty mug in his hands finding his sole focus as he attempted to keep calm. "It's good you're branching out. I'm proud of you," Bucky spoke as easily as he could manage, pushing his jealousy away even as he said the words, loathe to make his friend feel bad about his blossoming independence from their lifelong friendship. It wasn't the guys he was worried about, but he couldn't drop a bomb like that could he? He was having enough trouble with his emotions, he didn't need to start some sissy whining mess over Steve's interest in a girl. 

There was enough crazy going on, they didn't need that added tension in their lives. 

"Steve, you're killin' me," he told the other man in low tones, trying to seem playful though he was still anxious about drawing nosy attention, "You got me, pal, now quit sweatin' about it." Bucky shook his head, appreciating Steve's compliments and frankness, but too concerned to return it in any way other than neutral. "You got this far without me, I keep telling' ya, you're a force to be reckoned with, buddy. Now take credit where it's due. I'm not the one that got you here," the brunette smiled genuinely then, reaching out to poke Steve's chest right over his heart, "You are." 

It was then that Bucky chose to stand, gathering up his mug, needing to get some air. Things were getting a little too real. "I'm gonna gather my gear. Lemme know when you want us to move out." With that he dropped off his final dish and departed, planning on cleaning his rifle and doing anything else he could to keep his mind off of the panic Steve's impromptu heart to heart had stirred in him. He needed to set himself straight, he didn't want to feel so squirrelly around the blonde, maybe when they were out in the field the pressure would ease a bit. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve knew he needed to take more pride in himself. Take responsibility for his own actions. "Yeah, you're right. Thanks Buck." He had shoveled his food down his mouth already, and stood when Bucky did. "Sure thing. I'll come find you." Steve felt like he'd made his friend uncomfortable by being so open about his feelings. He didn't know how else to express himself though. Bucky always seemed so full of anguish and all Steve wanted to do was to let it all out so they could move on. But he got the sense that Bucky wasn't ready for that. Steve resigned himself to remain by the brunette's side until the time came that they could talk freely.

Since Steve had gotten himself suited up and armed so early, he decided to hang around with the other soldiers for a while. They weren't hard to find, as Dugan's booming voice could be heard throughout the entire camp. Everyone heard his dirty jokes whether they wanted to or not, and the man in the bowler hat didn't seem to mind. Some of the men gathered around him, though, looked shocked when Steve approached. It was understandable, he thought. Here were a bunch of men trying to let off some steam with off-color humor and then in walked a man dressed like Uncle Sam. Of course they were caught off guard. It almost threw Steve off too. He just wanted to be one of the guys. He didn't need them being afraid of him. So, ignoring the awkward tension, he sat in an open spot next to a soldier he'd barely even spoken to, slung an arm around his shoulder, smiled at him, and laughed along with everyone else at Dugan's punchline. It wasn't long before everyone seemed more at ease with him there, and that pleased Steve to no end.

Once the men all seemed well fed, and Dugan's material was running dry, Steve stood and announced the plan to everyone gathered there. They'd be shipping out soon, so they all scattered to spread the word and get themselves ready. A warm feeling spread through Steve's body. They were listening to him. Perhaps they were starting to view him as an equal and not just as a mascot. He smiled as he proudly strode across the camp toward his and Bucky's tent.

"All set, Buck?" he asked as he saw the man sitting outside, cleaning his gun. Steve was still beaming. "We better hit the road as soon as we can. I told the men to suit up." He understood the camaraderie Bucky and the 107th had shared all these months. It felt so amazing to be a part of it. But as he looked deeply into his friend's eyes, Steve only hoped he wasn't forcing the man out of the place he had fought so hard to achieve.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky had been muttering under his breath, berating himself for the pickle he'd gotten into. It had been his lapse in judgement that had caused it, he knew he was responsible, but there it was. It still drove him to a flurry of mixed emotions. He was elated that Steve saw him again, that he wasn't solely focused on that woman or the army or taking down their enemies. But at the same time… it would amount to nothing in the end. They didn't have a romantic future together, as naive as Steve seemed to be to the brunette's desires, Bucky didn't want to educate him on the irrational fears he carried throughout the day. 

But were they really irrational? He'd already seen so many guys fall out over smaller things, he'd seen the disillusioned ones completely fall apart when something they thought was a relationship turned out not to be. "I am such a sappy fruit. What the hell is wrong with me…" he spoke to his rifle and the empty tent, not at all looking forward to when they were back on recon and wouldn't have the main camp to relax in. He must have been at it for ages, he'd spent so much time on the gun he was sure it'd pass factory standards. The sergeant sighed. Bucky's mind kept running him in circles, making him anxious. He wanted to believe some facet of his relationship with Steve would survive Peggy Carter, but everything in his experience told him otherwise. 

And then he'd think, 'But I have him now, that's all that should matter.' Only then he'd go straight back to, 'For now. But once things settle, he'll want more. Things you can't give him. He'll grow out of it, outgrow you, and you'll be left pining for Steve all over again.'  Bucky was sure he was about to spiral into another bout of deep self loathing when Steve's voice shocked him out of his depressing thoughts. Mustering up a smile he presented his rifle, allowing his friend to admire it for a second. "Pass inspection, Captain?" he prodded playfully. 

Bucky slung it over his back and ducked his head, biting his lip as he tried to get his head together. Steve was happy, he was doing well. That was all that should matter to him. He had to stop picking at things, obsessing over what he was going to get out of it. He'd never been a selfish person, but then, he'd never really been afraid someone would take Steve from him either. The older man couldn't help but feel lighter upon seeing the joy in the blonde's face though, sometimes he thought it was all he needed to find some peace. 

"You seem chipper. Have a nice stroll about camp?" Bucky asked as he kept his blue eyes downcast, collecting himself and the items he'd need for their trek. 

  
  
  
  


Steve gave Bucky's rifle a once-over for his friend's amusement. Clearly the brunette was far more knowledgable about firearms. Steve had handled them decently in training, but they still made him a little uncomfortable. Maybe he was being naive, but he figured he'd made it this far with just his bare hands and whatever he could grab. If he could find a way to fight without one, he would, but not everyone had the strength and reflexes of Captain America. "Looks good to me, sergeant."

It wasn't until Bucky mentioned it that Steve realized how widely he'd been grinning. For a situation as serious as they were in, it didn't exactly seem like the correct mood, but he couldn't help himself. Steve was feeling a sense of belonging he'd never before experienced. He felt so grateful to have Bucky there with him. "Just spending some time with the guys. You're so lucky to have men like that. Though to be honest the only thing I have to compare them to are the people I trained with and my unwilling audiences. I'd almost begun to wonder if we stood a fighting chance in this war. The 107th is far greater, to say the least."

Steve gave Bucky a pat on the arm, "Of course I'm not really surprised. I always pictured you as a natural leader. Those men really do respect you. And, well, I'm proud to be your friend, Buck." He meant it. The two of them leading this team were going to be a force to be reckoned with. They may have been outgunned, but there was no matching their skills once Steve became accustomed to command as well as Bucky. "Now whaddya say we go take care of these Hydra jerks together?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky winced as Steve spoke about his experiences in the war, or rather, just outside of it. He knew the stakes in the conflict were skewed, depending on where you were looking at it… On the front things seemed to be going well, despite the monster tanks and laser weapons. Bucky wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it himself. But if they could smash even a handful of the places building those things, they'd have a real chance. Still, Steve's view must have been harsh, for someone so positive to have been discouraged. 

"That bad huh?" Bucky prodded gently, since they hadn't really had a lot of time to just talk. It'd been one map point after another, and all the while Hydra and Nazis breathing down their necks. He wanted his friend back, in every capacity, before he lost him forever. Either to the war or Carter, he wasn't sure. He didn't know which would be worse. He hoped he didn't have to see either. He froze when Steve's hand touched his arm, drawing his full attention. Damn, he really had it bad. Laughing it off though he shifted his rifle on his back, "I wouldn't say they follow me. We just work well together is all." 

Bucky was shocked by the level of sentiment he was getting from his friend, the blonde had never been so demonstrative with his affections. The sergeant wondered if it had been the serum or the sex… or maybe a combination of both? Certainly Steve's newfound confidence in his imposing looks gave him a little bit of a boost emotionally, but Bucky was wholly unprepared for this version of Steve Rogers. He stared at the other man until the younger spoke again, snapping him out of it. It was so easy to get lost gazing at him these days. Steve didn't shy away anymore. 

"Yes, sir," Bucky teased, pursing his lips playfully as he unintentionally flirted with his body language, responding to Steve's new level of confidence. The flutter in his heart no longer startled him, it was becoming so common. For once he didn't let his darker thoughts bring him down, instead reveling in the brief moment they had to converse alone, the connection he felt with his friend. It was tempting to pretend it was love. 

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky appeared to be in higher spirits now. Steve always felt like he was trying in vain to cheer up his friend, yet somehow he did seem to have a calming effect on the brunette. Whatever it was, Steve was always happy to see Bucky smile. So before they left, he indulged himself in a quick hug. Not too long to arouse suspicion, should anyone be watching, but enough to let his friend know that he would always be there for him.

Steve and Bucky quickly assembled their unit and supplies and began their hike toward the next location. Steve took a moment to enjoy how nice the weather was that day, and how proud he felt to be accompanying Bucky, but he didn't let that distract him from the mission. The longer he had been overseas, the more he came to realize the magnitude of their situation, but Steve knew that despite all of that, he could never lose his optimism or his appreciation for the beauty of life. If he lost that then he would lose what made him who he was. He knew war changed people, but he was determined not to let it change him for the worse, but for the better.

Once they reached the outskirts of the warehouse, they sent a few men to scout around the sides while they made their plan. Steve was beginning to feel anxious. Of course these men knew what they were doing, but it was now his responsibility to keep them safe. He put a hand on his sidearm and looked at Bucky. He wasn't sure what he was trying to glean from those eyes, whether he was attempting to convey that he wasn't ready to lead, or if he just wanted that boost of confidence he always felt from the man, but either way he was beginning to feel like he had things under control.

When they had a better grasp of the situation, it became clear that the warehouse was not heavily guarded. They had their bizarre energy weapons but Steve was counting on the element of surprise. He, Bucky, and Dugan would break in through the front door, while another team entered around back to flank them. Steve checked his pistol again. He was starting to wish he'd had more time to practice with it. No time like the present, he figured. If all else failed at least he knew he had a bulletproof shield, thanks to Peggy's rigorous testing. He felt good about his plan, but he was not so foolish as to trust his own strategy over Bucky's. "Alright, Buck. What do you think? We got a plan?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky wasn't prepared for the arms slipping around him so surely, pulling him close and holding him firmly. It may have only been a second or so of time passed, but it lingered, causing a tinge of blush to chase across his cheeks. He slapped Steve's arm playfully as the man released him, drawing attention away from the blatant affection being displayed between them. Of a like mind they strode off to collect their team, Bucky discreetly admiring the strength his friend exuded, the way he managed to inspire everyone that saw him. He once again felt terribly fortunate that the blonde had decided to take him to bed, that their lifetime of friendship wasn't in jeopardy… for now. He was a damn lucky fella. 

Upon reaching the camp and beginning their infiltration, Bucky met Steve's eyes when the younger man sought his gaze. He stared right back, giving the blonde a decisive nod, letting him know they were moving forward perfectly. At his friend's question he swept the area ahead of them visually, noting it was as clear as it was ever gonna get. Gabe was giving them the signal they were ready on the other side. "Go in guns blazing. Gabe catches the deserters runnin' out the back. We got 'em surrounded. Easy as pie. We'll be done before dinner." 

Bucky could see Steve was looking for reassurance that his idea was a sound one. If it were any other time the brunette would have given his friend a good tease, but things were tense and they weren't out of the woods yet. He wasn't looking to get stabbed again. "I couldn't've done better, Steve. I've got your back." He then flashed the blonde a big warm smile, giving him a wink. "After you, Captain America."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's smile and wink sent shivers through Steve's body. It was just the reassurance he needed, and it reminded him of his incentive to get everyone home safely. He returned the smile with a nod to his friend. Their best chance was to go in quick with everything they had. So without wasting anymore time, Steve led his team toward the front of the building. One by one they silently took out each of the guards posted around the warehouse. They were doing a good job of not being seen, until they heard a shout come from above. 

Steve looked up toward the upper floor of the building and saw a Hydra agent calling out from a landing. They had been spotted. "Damn," he said, "Alright guys, time to break through!" He ran to the large double doors and pulled out his gun. A quick glance over his shoulder told him that his team was behind him. "Ready?" He checked Bucky for confirmation, then kicked the door open with all of his might.

It took less than a second for Steve to detect each target in the building. He aimed his pistol and shot at each one before they had time to react. The others were right on his tail, shooting at anything that moved, some of them trying out their new energy weapons for the first time. Steve thought they were too overpowered. It was terrifying that Hydra felt the need to create such destructive things. If he'd had his way, they'd destroy all of it as soon as they'd put Hydra out of commission. But he had the feeling the U.S. government wasn't going to take the chance on losing all that technology.

In what seemed like no time at all, they worked together and cleared the warehouse. It may not have been the most elegantly played mission, but they got the job done, and without one of his men getting a scratch. So it was already a huge success compared to their previous endeavor. "Alright men. Let's spread out and gather as much weapons and intel as we can carry. We don't want to leave anything behind for the other Hydra men out there. And keep your eyes open. We don't know what other tricks they might have up their sleeves." Steve turned to Bucky, "You with me?" He didn't want to admit it, but he was still afraid of splitting up with his friend. If there was anything he could do to keep the brunette from getting hurt again, he wanted to be there to protect him.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky didn't hesitate before sniping the lookout on the landing, cutting him off though he'd likely already alerted anyone that mattered. Still, better safe than allowing him to get away. The man dropped to the ground and Bucky spared him a glance, frightened by the wisp of pride he felt in protecting their men through an act of instinctual violence. Whatever won the war, he supposed. If it was between a Hydra agent and Steve, the other guy was gonna go before Bucky let anything happen to his friend. Even if that meant him making that sacrifice over and over, till the end. 

Bucky stood beside Steve as they prepared to enter the building, giving him a solid nod when he was asked his status. It didn't take long. Apparently the warning the enemy had gotten wasn't quite enough, and the warehouse fell pretty quickly. There wasn't much there, but what they did find confirmed the route Steve was suggesting they take to locate the rest of the caches. Hydra's secret caravans weren't so secret anymore. It was a good strike, one that would help them shut everything down a lot faster… he hoped. Things were getting darker and darker as the war went on. 

He'd heard of the growing number of camps, the mass killings, of the experiments on men like him. Hell, he'd been used at the camp for their tests, and nothing yet had shaken the experience from him. But the kicker was that he couldn't share his feelings on it with anyone… not even Steve. The shame of it was stifling. As bad as the Nazi's were, Bucky's own government still agreed with them that he was sick, he was a deviant, he was a problem that needed solving. Zola had known. He didn't know how, but he had known of Bucky's… sexual inclinations. Was it only a matter of time before the military did too? It left him a lingering uneasiness in his stomach, one that never went away. If he made it through the war, he'd still have a fight waiting for him back home. It wasn't the greatest way to live. 

As Steve caught his eye from across the room where he was regrouping with Dugan, Bucky felt a tendril of pleasure at the secrets they shared, the connection they had. It was so powerful, it burned to his very core. Maybe he did need fixing. Something so fierce, so all-encompassing, something that made him feel so god damned selfish… it had to be wrong. And Steve had just gotten everything he'd always wanted, being involved with Bucky's degeneration would take all of that away something quick… But somehow Steve made it okay. He was the most upstanding, kindest guy around, and if he was alright with it… Damn it. It wasn't the time to be having an emotional meltdown. With Steve looking at him, it was hard to stay sour. 

Giving the taller man a welcoming smile he prepared himself as the blonde spoke, approached his group and then turned to him, lowering his voice. "Where else would I be?" the sergeant replied a little too sweetly, eyes soft with his emotions as they had been that unfiltered night in the bar, but he caught himself, clearing his throat. The brunette lifted his weapon, tipping his head back with a bit of attitude, "After all, someone's gotta keep an eye on you. Punk."

  
  
  
  


Steve gave his friend a smirk. As strong as the super soldier was now, they both knew that Bucky had tons more experience under his belt when it came to fighting and tactics. They would have to look out for each other if they were going to get anywhere. So they took the lead and began their search of the compound. It was a slow process, but they had to be thorough. "This must be the part they don't show in the picture house," he commented to Bucky as they leafed through file drawers, looking for any sensitive information, "This is why I never went into business." He'd been to Manhattan his fair share of times. He'd seen the men on Wall Street in their fancy suits bustling back and forth. Sure it would have been nice to afford nice clothes and food, but Steve was paying attention to their faces. Not a one of them was ever smiling. That struck a chord with him and made him realize that money wasn't everything.

After cleaning out a few offices, they proceeded to the next room. It was dark and dusty. All that could be seen was the faint outline of desks and file cabinets. It seemed like it had gone unused for some time, but they had to check it all the same. As the door creaked open, Steve could have sworn he saw a shadow move in the distance. "Bucky!" His immediate reaction was to jump in front of his friend and protect him with his shield. His instinct turned out to be correct, as he suddenly felt the vibranium get riddled with bullets shot from the dark room. Without missing a beat, Steve raised his pistol and shot several times at the spot where he'd seen the muzzle flash. He heard a yelp and the sound of a body hitting the floor, at which point he lunged for the light switch by the door, double checking that there were no other attackers before checking on Bucky.

"Bucky! Are you hurt?" He looked up and down the brunette's body, terrified that he'd been too late. The man appeared to be unscathed. Steve let out a huge sigh of relief. Then without thinking he wrapped his arms around his friend, until he realized there were other soldiers around. He quickly recollected himself and straightened out his uniform. "Ah, sorry. I'm still not accustomed to these close calls. We should move on, sir." He said with a wink to his senior officer.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky snorted at the joke, thinking about how often they'd mused on the subject of wealth and happiness, since they seemed to have an abundance of one even without the other, despite what society lead them to believe. He often thought it was one of the reasons Steve was so keen on art school, even though almost everyone told him it was a waste of time. He was sure though, if they ever got back, Steve would be welcomed into the art community with gusto, after all, who would turn away Captain America? 

The brunette didn't have a chance to react before Steve was crushed against him, his hands instinctively clutching at the big body, the pair curling into each other behind the shield. "What the hell?" the sergeant gasped a moment later when he managed to collect himself. Looking at the bloody fallen Hydra man he swallowed against the panicked jumping of his heart, rubbing a hand over his anxious chest. If Steve hadn't caught him, Bucky would have surely been shredded and full of lead. "I thought it was clear," Bucky grumbled, a bit embarrassed that the situation had even occurred. 

When Steve returned to him and looked him over, practically shaking him as he did so, Bucky tried to brush it off, feeling as if his errant emotions were putting himself and his friend at risk. He was missing essential things, things that would get them killed if he kept it up. He couldn't have been more mortified. Steve hadn't even thought, he'd just shot a man dead just like that. It wasn't new, but every time it was shocking for Bucky. Steve had always been so gentle… when he wasn't picking a fight with someone that didn't know how to lose gracefully. 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine Steve," the older man insisted, even before he was pulled into a tight embrace, one that seemed to linger. Just as he was melting into it the other man backed off, and Bucky's sanity returned to him. Smoothing out his jacket he gave the men a glance, noting Dugan had an eyebrow raised, lips hinting at a smile. Icy cold fear chased up his back, but the Irish man didn't say anything, so he pretended not to notice, nodding at Steve's nervous words. "Yeah, I think I'll let you go first," Bucky could recognize that even with his inexperience, Steve's reaction time was catlike. It also made sense to lead with a shield. 

Bucky didn't want to admit that he was scared witless every time, that it took everything in him to open the next door, to search the next room. Even the dusty remnants of information were daunting, worry over booby traps and trojan horses looming in his frazzled mind. It made his nerves burn, every inch of him trembling with it, his injury throbbing with the building energy. Before long they were finished, no great discoveries of secret passages or weapons caches. Just a few more routes, a few supplies. To think he'd almost lost his life for near empty warehouses. 

It was soon time to bed down, they'd be setting off to the next point in the morning. Time was imperative, there was no telling what else lay ahead of them if they gave the enemy too much time to regroup. Once the perimeter was set and camp was settled, Bucky didn't see any harm in stepping out for a bit. Steve was chatting in low tones with Morita, and the brunette tried not to let it worry him. As twisted up as he felt inside, he'd done his best to keep it out of sight. He didn't need Steve worrying about him, or anyone doubting his abilities, because of something he couldn't control. When it seemed they'd finished their talk Bucky spoke up, hoping to get their trip done before fatigue set in. 

"Steve. C'mere," Bucky prompted Steve stoically, turning to trudge through the mud, his rifle tucked snugly against his side as they made their way through the thick woods. He didn't want to give away the surprise, so he kept his face neutral, though his eyes sparkled with the delight of his discovery. He had his friend at his back as he lead him to the spot, biting his lips to prevent a premature smile as he turned to face the blonde upon reaching their goal. Bucky couldn't hold it any longer and grinned when Steve's eyes drifted over the bright red berries, bouncing on his toes a bit in his excitement. 

"Dog rose. Do you remember these? My Ma used to have one, but Pa got rid of it," Bucky stepped to the side to encourage Steve to walk closer, then used his gloved hands to reach for the bright red rose hips. "This one's a late bloomer, I'm sure you can appreciate that," the brunette teased lightly, careful not to prick himself on the prominent thorns as he gathered the fruit. "It's been years," he exclaimed under his breath, the chill air carrying the wisps away. 

Sniffling from the cold he took a couple to start, turning to show them to the waiting man. "We got lucky, they're still good," slipping off a glove he took one of the red berries in his bared fingers, holding it delicately as he nipped off the end, then lifted it to Steve's equally crimson lips. "We didn't eat 'em like this before, but trust me," Bucky met the blonde's eyes and pressed the opened fruit to the younger man's mouth, slowly squeezing the pulp out for him. 

Bucky watched closely for Steve's reaction, hoping the taste was as sweet and tangy as he remembered. As Steve seemed to ponder his experience Bucky took the pause to help himself to the other berry, eyes locked on his friend's. He'd been so excited when he'd spotted the bushes that he'd almost fallen out of his recon position in the tall tree he'd chosen for the best view. It had paid off though, as the whole team would benefit from the hearty plant, if they cared to. 

As the juicy bud spilled into his mouth Bucky was pleased to find the flavor as he recalled it, a little sour but not bad at all. His eyes slipped shut as he was taken back to when his mother regularly made treats from the common flower, it had been for much of his childhood. Steve had only sampled her jam a couple of times, but he had to remember it. Licking remnants of the juice from his lips he met their gazes, clearly jubilant. Bucky loved that they shared these things. "Remember?" 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve continued ahead of the group, his senses now heightened, not wanting to let anything slip past his shield. His eyes kept darting back to Bucky to make sure he was alright. It took great effort to force out all the images entering his mind of his best friend being killed in action or otherwise injured. Thankfully they finished the mission without further incident, though it was many hours after they'd begun setting up camp before Steve started to let his guard down.

The other soldiers in the camp were all giving Steve their incident reports. Nothing noteworthy, though many of the men had taken up more Hydra weapons for themselves. He just hoped they knew how to use them. As he was finishing up with Morita, he heard Bucky beckon him over. "What is it, Buck?" His friend was mysteriously quiet. He followed the man through the woods, eager to see what had gotten the brunette so excited. When Bucky finally stopped and turned around, Steve saw a look on his face he hadn't seen in years. When his friend picked one of the berries off the bush and held it up to him, Steve understood. He was overcome with a vivid memory from his childhood. His best friend Bucky holding a handful of berries up to his mother. Steve watching as she took them and placed them in a jar on the counter. He remembered how close they had been, and it gave him a warm feeling in his heart.

Steve winced at Bucky's teasing, but accepted the berry all the same. He closed his eyes as the taste and smell flooded his memories. They were so young, without a care in the world, sitting at the dinner table after a long day of playing outside. Bucky's mother had made jam out of the berries and spread it on toast for the boys. It stuck in Steve's mind as one of the most delicious things he'd ever tasted. He'd rushed home afterward and told his mom all about it. He hadn't realized at the time what hardships she'd been going through. Steve only hoped he'd given his mother her fair share of smiles before she'd gone, as she had done for him.

"Yeah. I remember, Buck. Your Ma spoiled us good. What are the odds we'd find one all the way out here?" It did feel like something of a good omen. Two old friends reconnecting over the fruit they'd enjoyed years ago, halfway across the globe. Steve knew that he was doing the right thing, that in his life at that moment he needed to be in that place with those people fighting for what they believed in. And if this bush meant anything in the grand scheme of things, then it only furthered his belief that things were going to work out in the end.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky snorted at Steve's question, looking around the somewhat dense woods, spotting a barren bush a few feet in the distance. "Pretty good, I'd say. They're everywhere here. Which is good for us, it'll give us something to snack on besides the rations," the sergeant made a face as he recalled the first time he'd tried a C ration. It wasn't an experience he'd enjoyed. K rations were worse, but luckily they'd been ordered C stock since they were running with Captain America. Seemed the US military didn't want to risk weakening their number one resource. It was better than the alternative, but still not the best food to be surviving on. 

There was a pause of silence as Steve savored the bit of fruit he'd been given, licking his lips. Bucky studied his face while he was distracted, wondering at his growing feelings for the man. It felt like he'd always loved Steve, like it was just a part of him that had existed since birth, but something was changing, things were getting more intense in a way that scared him almost. He'd often joked that romantic love was a social construct, that it was just an emotion that developed from expectations set on youth. He'd seen enough movies and arranged marriages to know it wasn't automatic. It was there or it wasn't, and sometimes it didn't happen at all. But with Steve… He'd always cared about him more than anyone but his family, more than anything in his short life. But this thing, this was different. 

It scorched him, it startled him at every turn. It wasn't an expectation, it was a miracle. Each day he awoke he looked for the other man, each day he wondered at his wellbeing, and every time he delighted in his prosperity. It shouldn't have startled him, after all they were friends, but this… He found his heart could skip from a glance, his skin could flush from a laugh, a brush of their shoulders. It was like the feeling he got on roller coasters, only it was constant in Steve's presence. He'd heard about it, sure, but it had never been real for him before now. 

It was a hell of a time and place to be discovering himself, but there it was. It wasn't like life was ever convenient or fair. Still, that they could find each other at such a turbulent time, in such a terrifying place… That Steve would be the one to pull him out of the clutches of the enemy relatively unscathed… It was a gift he wasn't gonna question too much. He knew it was going to hurt like a bitch when they got home and Steve seriously made the moves on Carter, but he knew he had to keep up a brave face and let it happen because he loved him. A little more than friends should, for certain. 

When Steve's clear gaze found his face once more he offered a smile, pushing past the nagging emotions. "Maybe when we get home I can convince my Pa to let her have one again, the war can't go on forever." Bucky collected as many of the berries as he could see, tucking them carefully into his deep pockets, thinking on surprising the guys with the sweet treat. He'd save a few for himself a Steve of course. Thoughts about their alone time tickled his senses pleasantly, and he bit his lip before commenting, 

"I owe you one. You really came through for me Steve. Not just pulling me outta that fire at the camp but… just, I woulda been a goner and it wouldn't have been pretty," Bucky hadn't seen the assassin in the shadows, the one that had sent a spray of bullets his way, and since then he felt like he was living on borrowed time. He'd never admit it to Steve though, no need for the guy to have doubts about his sanity or reliability. He'd aspired to be as strong as Steve was for as long as he could remember, and nothing had really changed. He felt like he would forever look up to him. Still, he felt his friend needed to hear that he was appreciative. 

And in that moment with Steve looking at him curiously, the pure soul standing in front of him weakened his resolve, called him forward. "I owe you my life," Bucky managed in the small space between them before breaching it, tipping his chin up to meet their lips, his injured free hand lifting to cup the incredibly strong jaw while the other cradled precious rose hips. He hadn't thought, hadn't considered, they were out in the open, anyone could see… but it wasn't like logic played a large role in his life anyway. Like lightning he was struck by his rashness, blush creeping up his neck like fire in the cold air. Still he moved like a cautious deer, not too quickly, removing himself from the blonde's space. 

Their lips clicked as they separated, the sound louder than the rustling leaves at their feet, or the creaking trees that protected them somewhat from the harsh winds of November. Swallowing hard Bucky averted his eyes, heart feeling as though it were being crushed in someone's hand as he backed down. He was utterly mortified by his bold action, he'd not even for a second considered showing an ounce of affection outside of the personal shield of their small tent. Outside of the established safe zone for their childhood frivolities. This wasn't some darkened bedroom or empty house, this was a battlefield, they were at war, and there was no place for kids games. 

As if it wasn't terrible enough that he'd slipped up, his eyes stung with anxious tears that threatened to fall and further reveal his weakness. He turned away, stuffing the last few berries into his cluttered pocket, clearing his throat. "Better get back, before it gets dark," he muttered awkwardly into his chest, keeping his head down to avoid seeing the look of shock and disgust he was certain Steve must be wearing. Ashamed and wishing to avoid more issues, Bucky quickly made to escape the embarrassing situation and the all-too-quiet thicket they idled in. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It was hard to believe that all the while they had been fighting, Bucky's parents were still back home, working and trying to live a normal life, hoping their boy was okay. It must have been hard for him to leave his family behind. Steve had nothing left to return to. All he had was Bucky. The only future he'd managed to picture for himself was winning the war and bringing Buck back with him. He knew it was a bit naive but it was all he had to focus on. The one thing that could drive him forward and not give into the despair that constantly nagged at Steve's mind. The war couldn't go on forever. But would they be there to see the end of it?

"Heh. Well if he says no then we can always get our own place, right?" It may have been a bold thing to say, but Steve was getting too used to having Bucky close to him. So his short-sighted vision of the future was just living with his best friend. It sounded childish when he thought about it, but why? He'd saved up more than enough for them to live off for a while. He didn't want to build up false hope or anything, but focusing on such things kept him calm in the midst of all this bloodshed.

Steve saw the caring in Bucky's eyes, but he shrugged uncomfortably when the man began explaining his gratitude. "Come on, it was nothing, Buck. You know I've always got your back." But Bucky continued, moving closer and looking at him intently. Steve was immediately entranced by the brunette's beautiful eyes, the light of the setting sun twinkling in his pupils. He was speechless, but he didn't need to say anything. The feel of his friend's hands on his face, his lips against his, made shivers course through his body. He had to admit he wasn't expecting that. Before he could respond though, the man was slinking away, ashamed. Steve knew he had to do something to keep Bucky from leaving.

"Hey," He grabbed Bucky's arm just as he had turned around, stopping the man in his tracks. With a gentle tug, he pulled his friend back to where he'd been standing in front of him. "You're not just going to leave me hanging after that, are you?" Steve put an arm around Bucky and pulled him in closer, kissing him deeply on the mouth. It was the first time he'd felt Bucky's body against his since the brunette's most recent near-death experience, and it was invigorating beyond belief. The emotions were so overwhelming, Steve didn't know if he was going to cry or scream or what, but he knew he needed to be close to Bucky, as much as possible. When he finally let the man breathe, a somewhat embarrassed smile crossed his lips. "Well, if anyone is watching us in these woods then they just got quite a show. Maybe we should head to our bunk early tonight."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky had been too caught up in his emotions to really hear what Steve had been saying, his heart hammering in his chest so loud he was sure he could give away their position to the enemy. It hadn't occurred to him that his actions could be affecting Steve so profoundly. Even so, the situation wasn't affording him much time to ponder any of it, as even when he tried to perform a measured retreat his friend denied him, a large hand gripping his forearm, forcing him back towards the blonde. He could only imagine the bare confusion on his own face as he was pulled into another liplock, every muscle relaxing on reflex for a moment, before reality knocked him upside the head. Body tensing he gently shrugged out of the embrace, mouth red and hot from the kiss, his expression full of disbelief. 

Anger and fear and a million other emotions tumbled through his chest, tensing his lungs, his throat, his heart. Bucky felt like he was creating his own hell, one desperately pretending to be heaven. He wanted to scream, his internal struggle threatening to make itself known, threatening to bring it all crashing down around him. Steve couldn't know, how could he? How could he possibly understand what this was for Bucky? It wasn't childhood make-believe, it wasn't stress induced comfort, it wasn't a casual perk for their friendship, it wasn't a game. It was everything he was, everything he'd been fighting in himself for as long as he could remember, ever since he'd realized he was different. 

And there Steve was making light about sharing a life Bucky wanted more than anything, more than anyone could ever want anything. But he didn't know, he didn't know what he was talking about. For Steve it was a simple bachelor living arrangement, a place to call his own until he was ready to settle down. A stepping stone. There was no doubt in his mind that Steve Rogers cared about him, he just didn't think the man understood that Bucky Barnes wasn't like him. It wasn't just a convenient roll in the hay, it wasn't a distraction or a way to blow off steam. It was his identity, a part of his soul, as demented as it was. Bucky was flirting with disaster. 

God damn it, he was an idiot. Bucky knew he had a lot of options, there were a multitude of different ways he could react, quite a few things he could do that would make the situation worse or better. And as he took in Steve's features, his innocent gaze, his kiss moistened lips, the uniform he wore so proudly that he'd had Bucky choose for him… The brunette couldn't destroy the fantasy now. There would be a time for it, he was certain of that, but it wasn't now. Steve had saved his life, they had a happy bout of nostalgia, they were winning the war… 

Quieting his panic the sergeant found a smile, nervous blue eyes darting in the direction of the camp, then back towards the dense woods stretching far off behind them. His heart still hadn't settled, but he'd have to get used to it eventually. "Maybe we should make a habit of christening camps this way, no scout's gonna keep quiet during a show like that," Bucky joked with a sly smirk, using every trick he'd ever learned to keep his turmoil under wraps. Light was fading fast and the older man was glad for it, hoping the failing visibility would help mask his manifesting conflict. There was only so much in his expression he could hide. 

"Bunking down sounds good to me, it's already freezing out here. I could use some warming up, under the right circumstances," he teased at getting a bit of privacy a little blatantly, playfully mocking Steve's tendency to dramatize near everything in his life, like he was in a Hollywood picture or something. Swooning with endearment despite himself the brunette laughed, clapping the bigger man on the back and pushing him towards the relative safety of their men. "Let's go, Captain Exhibitionist." 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve had been worried that he'd pushed things too far again. Sometimes he spoke without thinking based off his emotions. But when Bucky replied positively it made the excitement within him grow even more. He took a second to take in the moment they were in. Standing in the woods this close to each other as the crisp breeze cooled the warm air that still lingered between their mouths. Bucky made Steve comfortable enough to keep pushing toward him. The brunette never backed down, no matter how forward Steve felt he was being. It gave him the confidence he needed to do what made him happy and keep Bucky in his life. "I'll keep you warm, Buck," he said as he leaned into the man's ear, "and then I'll make you hot."

Steve led Bucky back to camp with a bit of a spring in his step. He was enjoying their new routine a great deal. If they couldn't enjoy life to the fullest while they were on this dangerous mission, then when could they? Despite his efforts to sneak into their tent unnoticed, however, Steve's massive frame was apparently hard to miss, as he was quickly spotted and called over by first one, and then all of the soldiers gathered around the camp. He knew that if he blew them off it would only arouse suspicion so, giving Bucky an apologetic look, he joined the men in their frivolity.

He stayed for a couple of Dugan's jokes and one of Morita's stories to be polite, then cautiously told the guys that he needed to get some rest. They of course made like it was the biggest tragedy that Captain America wasn't going to stay up with them, but by the time he'd made it halfway back to his tent, he could hear them laughing again at something particularly raunchy Dugan had said. He approached Bucky once they were out of earshot. "Sorry about that. I knew they wouldn't let me go that easily." 

He felt awful, like he had ruined the moment they had been enjoying together. Steve knew the only thing he could do was to recapture it. As they arrived at the tent, he checked around to make sure nobody was in sight, then grabbed Bucky by the front of his shirt and pulled him inside. Once they were safely within the tent, Steve pulled him in for a passionate kiss, moving his hands to Bucky's back so he could feel their bodies pressed against each other again. Even though they had been doing this every night, each time it felt to Steve like it had been ages, like Bucky had just returned from the war and they were finally reigniting their passion. Maybe the feeling wasn't going to last forever, but Steve was going to enjoy the hell out of it while it lasted.

  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

  
  


Bucky could barely breathe, it felt like his heart was trying to exit his body via his throat. Watching Steve sleep had always been one of his most guilty pleasures… It was a previously rare activity he found himself indulging in more and more often in the most unlikely of places. He could hear the camp coming to life outside, the chill bite of the cold morning fading slightly as the sun rose. Typically they were up by now, marching on to the next point, but he didn't have it in him to disturb his best friend, not when Steve so often couldn't find sleep. Bucky reached out to brush a loose hair from the blonde's pale face, staring at his slightly parted lips, enjoying the peace and relative quiet while he could. Soon they'd be up to their knees in mud, dodging bullets and lasers and who knew what else. Any second could be their last, and he was going to do his best to treat it as such. 

Bucky's body ached, but that was commonplace now, the muscles never really settled on his bones after his time under Zola's 'care'. He would never tell Steve that, the guy had enough to worry about, and besides that Bucky needed their physical closeness more than he could ever admit. He was still naked, curled around the younger man huddled under the covers with him. They'd pooled their bedding together, making the impending winter cold a little more tolerable, even when he wasn't wearing a stitch. He finally gave in and let himself stretch, his arm beginning to complain from lack of movement. The brunette knew it might wake his friend, but even he could only take so much, sniper training and all. 

Bucky was pleased when Steve didn't stir, taking the moment to disentangle himself, their legs still crossed and hooked under the items they'd used as supplements to their wool blankets. It was a mess but if he was lucky, he could get his clothes on before Dugan or Morita started asking after them. Thankfully Dugan wasn't the first to wake on a normal day, which Bucky was very grateful for. Once he was up he was loud and persistent, and never let an observation go unvoiced. It'd lead to a few awkward situations in the past, and Bucky was certain if things stayed hot and heavy between he and Steve, Dugan was destined to figure it out, even if it was subconsciously at first. 

Eventually he stood as best he could in the cramped space, collecting his uniform, tucking his clothes into place even as he brushed his dark bangs from his eyes. He'd have to find his comb later, there was no telling which jacket was his in the dark, and he'd left it in the pocket. An old habit his father had instilled in him. Bucky's neck itched, and while scratching it he realized there was a bit of a mark, most likely given in the heat of their passions the night before. Rubbing at it absently he smiled despite himself, curling his collar up over the evidence of their fumblings. He grabbed up a coat, one he soon realized was Steve's, the shoulders a mite too wide for his own. 

Frowning in concentration he located his slightly smaller jacket, then rested his friend's over the big prone body, hoping to keep him warm, even if he didn't need the help. 

  
  
  


Steve awoke with a start, scrambling out of his sleeping bag to hit his alarm clock. It had become a habit to keep it out of arm's reach so he wouldn't accidentally fall back to sleep. Though since he had been given the serum, fatigue didn't affect him the same way. He was dressed and out of the tent in no time. He was near fully geared up when he met up with the other men in camp, still waking up and drinking coffee. Steve was eager to go kick some Hydra tail, but he had to constantly remind himself that most people still needed time to rest after the nonstop running and fighting they'd been going through. He allowed himself to relax for a minute, grabbing a cup of what appeared to be coffee and sitting next to his good friend Bucky.

"Morning Buck," Steve greeted him with a warm pat on the shoulder. Bucky looked as anxious as he felt to get moving, but the blonde gave him a reassuring look, and joined in with the others' conversation. It was best to put the bad things out of mind for now. Steve trusted these guys to get the job done when it came down to it. He needed them to be happy. Most of all he needed Bucky to be safe. Just seeing the occasional smile on his friend's face was all he needed to keep going. It wasn't long before the whole camp was ready to go on their mission, proving to Steve that he needn't be so impatient.

Their mission was to take out a caravan that had been reported traveling between Hydra warehouses, using the element of surprise, the strategy being to take them out in smaller groups, improving the small army's chance of success. The fog was thick that morning. Steve had been placed in the lead in hopes that his enhanced eyesight could give them early warning. Still, it was difficult to see anything but grey mist, the white snow on the ground, and the faint shadows of trees surrounding them. They moved slowly. The snow masked the sounds of their footsteps, but there was no telling where or when the enemy could appear. Steve made sure Bucky was never out of sight. If he moved but ten paces away it would be difficult to make him out.

The super soldier's ears were at high alert. He investigated any sound he heard. A soldier coughing, a bird chirping. Every once in a while one of them would step on a branch and he would give a harsh look at the culprit. Steve heard another snap behind him, but he could instantly tell it wasn't from one of the men. It had seemed like it came from above. He turned around quickly and examined the trees. Was he being paranoid or was that a shadow moving? He couldn't risk shooting into the air and compromising their location. Without another thought, he hurled his shield upward, directly at the spot in the tree. With a thud and a grunt, a body came flying out of the tree, landing right next to Bucky and Dugan. Captain America's shield bounced perfectly and came back to him, which he caught and put back on his arm like it was no big deal.

Steve felt everyone's eyes on him, though a couple men quickly inspected the Hydra agent to make sure he wasn't getting up again. All he could do when he saw Bucky's face was smile and give him a shrug. Sometimes he surprised even himself.

  
  
  
  


Bucky startled when the shield went practically whistling past him in the fog, his tired eyes following the streak of color just barely. When a heavy thud signaled a target had indeed been hit he just gawked at Steve, the blonde man shrugging the feat off like it was nothing. Dugan barely stifled a hearty chuckle, but Bucky's lips echoed Captain America's smile ever so slightly. He had seen a lot of things he'd never thought possible in the last couple years. What was a magic boomerang shield in the grand scheme of lasers and mutants? 

Bucky just ran his tongue over his teeth and tried not to grin too broadly, noting the spark of excitement in Steve's eyes, the way he stood a little bit taller. He was enjoying it, no doubt about it. Honor and duty and all that… he was really relishing the ability to follow his instincts and beat back the bullies. The brunette felt a swell of pride just as a wave of shame welled up, his battered mind not letting him forget that his weakness was even more evident now. Steve had seen his broken body, Steve had it wrapped around him, the blonde knew what little there was of him left, he was sure. But he was too good a guy to say anything about it. And as long as he didn't, Bucky knew he could keep his head up, keep the party going. He could pretend, hope, that the blonde didn't know how weak and useless he really was. 

They were all giggles when Dernier blew a Hydra tank to smithereens, Dugan especially, clapping his big hands together with glee. When they broke to survey the wreckage and regroup Bucky found himself smiling sweetly at Steve without prompting, alarming himself. He couldn't be caught acting like some lovesick broad, even if it was closer to the truth than he'd care to admit. He and Steve bumped shoulders as they trudged through the mud alongside Gabe, the sergeant chatting with the private, jokingly assessing the explosion on a scale of Dernier's past accomplishments. "It's a 7, maybe, for the action flourish," Bucky poked fun, playing it down, he'd been just as impressed as his Harlemite friend, but he wasn't going to give that up. 

Gabe snorted, resting his enormous gun on his hip, leaning back to balance the weight of it as he responded with a lopsided smirk, "We both know you're pullin' my leg, that was a solid ten and what!" Bucky bit his cheek to curb his smile, pursing his lips a second later to hold back his laughter, 

"Maybe I've just seen more in my distinguished service experience," he teased, and Gabriel threw his head back in  howl of laughter, talking to himself as he turned to go join the others setting up for a debriefing. 

Bucky always felt a little thrill of pleasure when they made it out unscathed, and the fact that Steve was so close at his side made it even better. Between the war, Carter, and the rest of the Howling Commandos, Bucky felt like he had little to offer the blonde to keep his attention anymore. Used to be Steve clung to him like cotton candy, now he felt like if he took his eyes off him for a second he'd be gone. "Kid's one hell of a talent. I hope he gets outta here and has a chance to show the world he can dazzle them with music even better than he can with a fifty cal."

Steve's smile was warm, like a ray of sunshine in the frosty forest. "Same goes for you and that sketchbook of yours. You're gonna wow the socks off of them someday Steve, make no mistake." Bucky gave a wink and followed him to the jeep once they'd set a perimeter, Morita bringing them the radio and map. Steve was set to gather information and tell them what their next move was, even if all Bucky wanted to do was peel off his boots and take a nap. So like a good soldier he sidled up to the vehicle, resting his elbow on the hood, in pretty high spirits until his bright eyes met the photo of Peg Carter stashed in Steve's compass. Bucky couldn't have told a soul what his expression had been in that moment, but he was certain it wasn't pretty, since Falsworth gave him a startled look when their gazes caught a second later. 

With a frown he averted his eyes and listened in, only brought out of his bout of shock when Steve snapped the compass shut and stalked away, and Monty seemed to settle something in his mind. Bucky was sure he wouldn't like whatever it was. So what if the Brit saw anything, he probably thought Bucky was sore over the girl anyway. Nobody ever suspected the tough guy POW of being a fairy. Shouldering his rifle he trailed after his blonde friend, trying not to let his fears swallow him whole. Steve might not be his forever, but he was the one at his side for the moment, and he was going to make the most of it. 

  
  
  


The battles continued as the men pushed forward. They were few, but their skills with a handful of guns and explosives was more than Hydra could handle. Though Steve's shield was getting into its fair share of action, some days he felt as though the 107th infantry would be perfectly capable without him. He found himself trying to explain this the next day, when he met some unfamiliar faces just outside his tent.

"Ah! There's the man we came to see!" A handsome, well-dressed man approached Steve with his hand outstretched. The groggy super soldier shook it as he tried to push past his confusion and sleepiness. The man looked out of place in the middle of a warzone. Steve looked around at the other men for any clue as to what was going on, but they just shrugged, looking just as confused. A few other strange people stood out, carrying what looked like film equipment this way and that.

"Petersen's the name! Pleasure's all mine. Boy, they weren't kidding about you. I saw you perform in Chicago but I can see it's no act! Just the way you emerged from that tent was pure gold! Charles!" He shouted toward one of his crewmen, "Get a shot lined up of the tent flap, pronto! Hey you wouldn't mind doing that again now, would you?"

Steve was still having his hand shaken as his mind tried to catch up with the fast-paced speech of the man before him. As his eyes took everything in, he was pretty sure he could see Bucky in the background, snickering at the situation. "Uh... I'm Ste-"

"Steve Rogers! Of course I know who you are, kid! That's why we're here! Didn't Phillips tell you we were coming? You ever been to the pictures? Well where do you think they come from? I make 'em, kid, and you're my new star. You're the next big thing, and big things make money, and money wins wars! Now if you wouldn't mind?"

Petersen was gesturing toward Steve's tent. Feeling like he had no other choice, the dumbfounded Captain America went back inside. When he heard the director shout "Action!" and called for him to emerge, Steve could feel his face burning red, and he was fairly certain it was much more disappointing than the first time.

\-----

Mercifully, Petersen gave Steve a chance to wake up before getting any more shots, which gave the other soldiers the opportunity to poke fun at their new mascot. Steve was feeling pretty embarrassed by the whole thing, but the worst part was that he had finally started to feel like he was one of the guys, and then suddenly came this reminder to everyone that Captain America was just a prop to sell war bonds. He could hardly look them in the face as he ate breakfast.

Soon enough, Petersen pulled up a stool next to Steve and started talking (rapidly) about all the ideas he had. As much as the super soldier tried to explain that he wasn't the real hero of their unit, it fell on deaf ears. This director had a "vision" and that was that. Steve wished he could just refuse to be filmed, but he knew that the army needed him, and the last thing he wanted to do was become an enemy of the U.S. government when there were more important battles to fight. So he decided to play along, hoping his fellow soldiers would understand.

"So kid, you got a girl back home?" Petersen asked.

This took Steve by surprise, "Uh, not really. I mean..."

"Eh it doesn't matter. We'll just find a gal's picture for you to gaze at longingly. It'll do great. Humanizes you and whatnot. Hey, this slop is great and all, but where do you keep the real food?"

\-----

Steve went about the rest of the day pretending not to notice the cameras that were constantly following him. He and the other men tried to act normal but they were all acting rather stiff and awkward with the knowledge of being filmed. He couldn't wait until they were gone so that hopefully he and Bucky could share a laugh about the whole thing.

It came as a great relief to Steve to hear that the crew had only one shot left before wrapping and rolling out. Petersen had given him a compass with Peggy Carter's photo inside of it. Steve didn't know where the picture came from, but he thought better than to ask. It was embarrassing having to film the scene with Bucky sitting right next to him, and he could only imagine how Carter would react if she ever saw it. All Steve could do was hope that she wasn't that into pictures.

  
  
  
  


Bucky didn't at all relish the camera lurking around camp, even if he wholly believed the world needed to see the insanity for itself. Far too many people sympathized with the Nazi regime, frightening as hell after all he'd seen and all they'd put him through. He did his best to avoid the damned machine, glowering whenever they tried to catch him off guard, refusing to play their game. He wasn't anyone's puppet. Petersen rubbed him up and down all the wrong ways, and he took quite a delight in ruining his carefully set up falsehoods. Steve didn't seem to care one way or the other, playing along like a good soldier, trying not to step on anyone's toes. Bucky didn't like it one bit. 

He didn't want to admit it to himself, but the reminder that Peggy was a true contender for Steve's affections had gotten him all riled up. Gabe had called him out on his moodiness several times over the course of the week, and whenever Steve tried to get him alone, Bucky had coughed out some weak excuse and slithered off to trade cigs for more chocolate. The brunette knew he was being a baby about it, but he couldn't help how he felt. He thought he'd moved past being a mixed up teenager, but with Steve being noticed by someone else, someone he could actually lose to… all those conflicting emotions were stirred up all over again. 

Before he'd never even thought of it, of settling down, having a family. He'd never realized how much he'd just trusted that he and Steve would share a place, grow old together doing all the same old routines of playing around, pulling broads… but never really doing anything about it. It never even occurred to him that that in itself was a plan, that he'd been settled on it all along. Until Peg Carter came crashing in with those doe eyes and that blatant red dress… Bucky felt his nerves prickling something fierce at the memory. The way she looked at Steve… Now all those old givens were in question, his happy ending was in question. 

Bucky had given up, he'd realized, when he thought he was alone and he wasn't gonna go home. And he'd come to grips with it, he'd accepted he wasn't meant to have a life in any society. But then Steve rescued him like a dream from that waking nightmare of a camp and it all changed in an instant. Suddenly his future wasn't necessarily a coffin, suddenly that hole in the wall in Brooklyn with just he and Steve living a bachelor's life was a possibility again. Well, it had been. 

Frowning down at his hands he picked at the bits of chocolate he had left, reveling in each morsel as he pondered when his next blessed drink would be. He knew Dugan would encourage him in that activity like no one else would. He was a good drinking partner, never nosy… Bucky was being such a sissy. Moping around, filling his gob with chocolate like some lovesick chickadee… If he wasn't careful someone besides Gabe would notice, someone that wouldn't give him the space he needed to stay sane. 

As if on cue, pardon the pun, Petersen and his lackies rounded the tent and before he could blink there was a lens practically up his nose. As if summoned by black arts, they pounced on him with invasive rhetoric. "Everyone's noticed the dashing young sergeant's looking awfully down these days, but no one's really shining a bright enough light on what's causing this dark cloud to form… Such a good-looking boy shouldn't be so sour! Word is a lady's got you down," Bucky felt his twisted world shrink to the head of a pin, one that was needling at any exposed area of skin, his stomach dropping despite his higher brain telling him there was nothing to panic about. 

Petersen grinned almost mockingly at him, off-white teeth framed by a seemingly knowing smirk. "No ladies here though, maybe it's something else?" Before Bucky knew it his fist was connecting with the prying director's jaw, knocking that smug look off his pristine face. He had only a second of satisfaction before he realized what he'd done, shame mixing with his panic and anger as he seethed despite himself. Shit. Bucky didn't intend to wait around for the reprimand. He stalked off in a rage, blinded by it, finding himself in the supply tent a heartbeat later, his instincts demanding that he purge his turbulent emotions. Giving in to the impulse he punched a hole in a convenient crate, the pain of it focusing his frothing mind, dowsing his growing fury and fear. God damn it all… 

  
  
  
  


As the daylight faded through the surrounding trees, the film crew finally packed up and headed back to civilization. This came as a great relief to Steve, who felt like he'd been playing a character all day. He felt the urge to be himself. Thankfully there was one person who could bring that out of him like no one else. Though now that he thought about it, Steve had barely seen Bucky all day.

As he made his way through the camp, he started to notice all the eyes on him. It was a strange feeling to have been the focus of the day like that. Now he would have to deal with the repercussions. He only hoped the men would forgive him for indulging in the army's obsession with his image. Dugan was the first one to approach him, of course.

"Well, if it isn't the movie star! We were afraid you'd have run off to be best pals with Cary Grant by now! I sure hope they got my best side. You think the ladies'll recognize me when I get back?" 

Steve laughed, "I doubt anyone could miss you, Dugan. Though I'm not sure if they'll use the shots of you smiling and waving at the camera."

Steve felt relieved as the whole camp was abuzz with excitement over their film debut. It didn't take long before he heard Bucky's name come up. "You didn't hear? He punched the director in the face!" Morita said. "I don't blame him. We didn't sign up to get a camera shoved in our faces. Good riddance." Now Steve could sense what was going on. He asked around a little more. Someone had seen him walk off towards the supply tents not too long ago. So Steve set off to find his friend.

Despite the fog, soon enough he found Bucky, his head hanging and feet kicking the dirt. It was obvious the man was upset. "Hey Buck," he said calmly, "I heard you decked Petersen pretty good. I wish I could have seen that!" He didn't know what else to say. Steve knew his friend had a temper, but usually he could contain it in mixed company. Something must have affected the brunette deeply, and Steve worried that he had wronged him somehow.

"I mean, I didn't want him here either. I was just going along with it. I have to, Bucky. You understand that, right?" Steve felt terrible. Had he made a huge mistake by letting those men into their safe place? "I just had to accept the fact that they're never going to get the real picture. That's not what they want. They want spectacle. They want to make money. They don't know what we're really doing out here, what you guys are doing out here. You're the real heroes. I'm just a mascot. But I've got your back."

Steve missed the Bucky who was comfortable in his surroundings. The Bucky who was carefree and willing to joke around with him in front of everyone. He knew that Bucky was always in there, and he never felt as powerful as when he could help his friend to be his truest self.

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's hand was throbbing, the impact with the crate lingering in his bones, ringing in his ears. He barely looked up when Steve entered behind him, noting he'd dismissed the guard. He didn't plan on going anywhere for a while. There were a lot of places the film crew weren't allowed to go, and the supply tent was one of them. Bucky fully intended to take advantage of those spaces more often. He hadn't realized just how badly he'd been affected by the irritating group of men, till his knuckles met that tarp covered wooden box. He hoped there wasn't anything fragile in there. Howard would kill him if it was one of his gadgets shipped ahead of him to the frontlines. 

"Steve," Bucky greeted offhand, turning a packet of cigarettes over in his palm, considering. The other guys swore by 'em, claimed they took the edge off. He'd never even thought about it before, definitely not when they were kids and it could have triggered Steve's asthma. But they weren't kids anymore, and Steve…He stared at the paper tubes as his friend spoke, refusing to meet their eyes just yet. "Lost my temper," he mumbled, running his tongue over his teeth, feeling his heart stutter a little from his embarrassment. 

The taller man kept talking, and Bucky gave a shrug, "I know. I don't blame you. But I don't have to like it either," the sergeant took a deep breath, deciding he didn't need the cigarettes after all. At least, not with Steve's pained blue peepers fixed on him. "'Til the end of the line Steve, I got it. Lucky I don't feel like a new hobby right now," he muttered, shoving the crumpled packet into his pocket, thinking about getting himself more chocolate. 

"I've just… got enough to worry about, I shouldn't hafta be looking' over my shoulder and checking my tent for cameras when I've got superhuman Nazis 'n' Hydra agents everywhere already. A guy needs a damned break."

  
  
  


Steve sighed and placed his hand gently on his friend's shoulder. "Of course you do, buddy. Those guys don't know what it's like out here. They probably thought we'd be happy to see them, though I think Dugan was a little too excited." In fact, he felt that he could still hear the man loudly boasting about his acting ability to anyone who happened to pass by. "Anyway I just saw the last of the crew ship out, so let's at least try to enjoy tonight, huh? We'll worry about the real problems in the morning."

After such a long day of worrying about lights and sound and makeup, it all felt so trivial to Steve when he thought about what they were up against. The country was counting on him. It was a fact he tried not to think about too often, lest the weight of it truly sink in. But he had to occasionally keep in mind that he was fighting for something much greater than he could imagine. He saw it every time he looked into Bucky's eyes. That there was a world outside this war. A world that needed love and understanding to prevail.

Before he could think better of it, Steve pulled Bucky into a tight embrace. He would never be able to explain how important his friend was to him. The super soldier wouldn't be there without him, and having the brunette there every day kept him fighting. The blonde looked deep into Bucky's eyes. "Keep your chin up for me, eh Buck? I need your eyes keen out there. God knows I can't always look out for myself." Then Steve pulled the man even closer and gave him a soft kiss on the lips.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky would never forget the look on Steve's face every time a guy got killed, wether he was on their side or not. A total shock every time, like he was witnessing the end times right in front of him. It was so damn dramatic. But it was one of the things he loved about him. Everything was a god damned miracle, everything was a delight. Everything was an experience like no other. His eyes lit up at an early spring flower, or a drop of rain sitting on a birch branch… and he'd immortalize his childlike awe in his drawings. The sergeant had always felt so special being the only one that appreciated Steve's uniqueness, his determination to never let his many health issues get him down. It drove him to push his friend to put himself out there more, so that Steve didn't have to go unnoticed, didn't have to live his life alone. But for some infuriating reason, the blonde never felt he was anything worth noticing. Idiot. 

Bucky snorted at the mention of Dum Dum, rolling his tired eyes as he remembered one of his more shameful attempts at getting on film. "I'm sure he'll get the attention alright, but not how he wants it." It was far more likely they'd catch one of his cringe worthy drunken stories, acted out with nearby objects, than anything worth an award. And then Steve was urging him to seize the night… When had the tables turned he wondered? But Bucky wanted to relax like Steve was suggesting, only the lurking threat had his hair perpetually on end. He'd seen what happened to fairies in the ranks, and things were too serious to be sent home for something so stupid. 

Steve's arms were a welcome distraction from his racing thoughts, and he sighed deeply, relaxing into the embrace, wary blue eyes closing gratefully. With his friend he could quiet the demons for a while before they started scratching behind his eyelids again. Every second of respite was like a drop of cool water on a parched tongue. Bucky squeezed Steve tightly, relieved that he wasn't getting chewed out for losing his temper. Should have earned him a formal reprimand, not a hug. He wasn't arguing though. It used to be him saving Steve from himself. What the hell…

As his friend pulled away Bucky steeled himself, taking calming breaths, focusing his mind like he'd taught Steve back in that musty boxing gym all those months ago. He nodded, meeting the man's pointed gaze, trying to show him he was strong. He didn't need Steve worrying about him. It was his job to keep the reckless not-so-little-guy safe. He might be a super soldier, but he wasn't immortal. Bucky would die if he lost him. Bucky found himself laughing at Steve's comments about himself, agreeing wholeheartedly. "Like you have to ask," he teased, thinking on how he rarely let the guy out of his sight since they met. "I learned the hard way a long time ago, let you alone for five minutes and I got a block wide brawl on my hands." 

The beaming grin that had inexplicably appeared on his previously somber countenance was gone in a flash, startled off of him when the now taller man stole a kiss. Bucky almost tripped on himself stepping away, running the back of his hand over his wetted lips reflexively. "Don't," Bucky felt like his heart was going to rip through his throat, his eyes wide and darting to the open tent flap behind him. His shoulders almost cracked from the pressure as they tensed up, the warmth from their brief exchange chilled near instantly. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's words rang true. Steve couldn't count all the times the man had saved him from one scrap or another. But the blonde wouldn't have needed so much help if he'd just kept his mouth shut. Steve just wasn't wired that way. There was no small injustice he could let by without making a huge stink about it. He realized it put Bucky in a difficult position every time, but he couldn't help it. It was surprising to Steve that the brunette still wanted anything to do with him, what with how much trouble he'd caused in their youth. It didn't seem fair. Steve always wanted to fight his own battles, but he knew that Bucky would never let him stand alone.

The air escaped the room when the sergeant backed away, and Steve felt instant regret at his actions. "I'm... I'm sorry Buck! I just thought..." But he didn't know what he was thinking. The two of them had spent so much intimate time together since reuniting, it didn't feel out of place to Steve. Kissing Bucky just felt natural at that point, so the reaction he got was confusing. Steve knew that his friend was going through a lot, however, so he could understand if maybe he didn't get the whole picture. He just wished Bucky would talk to him once in a while about what he was really feeling, but the super soldier knew it wasn't going to come easy.

"Just wait, Bucky, please!" He called out as the brunette ran toward the exit. Steve didn't know if Bucky was in any condition to talk at that point, but for some reason he felt that if he didn't try as hard as he could, he would be letting his friend slip farther and farther away from him.

  
  
  
  
  
  


"I'm not goin' anywhere, cool your jets." He hadn't been running, he would never leave Steve feeling like that. The panicked tone of his voice rubbed Bucky in all the wrong ways. When had things gotten so damn twisted? The older man returned to facing his friend, unable or unwilling to soften his harsh expression. The building tension of the recent months was spilling over, and though he reigned his volume in, his voice was seething with his anxieties."What're you thinkin' Steve?" Bucky's pained expression was a clue to how scared he was, though he'd never admit it to the younger man. He was supposed to be the big one, the strong one. "Who'm I kiddin', you're not thinking," the angry man practically spat, letting his emotions run away with him. 

The sergeant clawed a shaking hand through his mussed dark hair, eyes darting to the ajar tent flap once more. "You never think about consequences, do you?" Bucky felt like he was burning up, reaching down to loosen his collar a bit, regulations be damned. If things kept up like they were, he wouldn't be in the army much longer anyway. "No, not Steve Rogers, not Captain America," Bucky just about hissed the title, rolling his eyes in his scattered agitation. As angry as he was, he didn't let his voice overreach. No way did he want anyone over hearing him. That'd be pretty stupid since it was the reason he was so upset. 

"You think they'd give a rat's ass about me? I'm not some American symbol they can scrub squeaky clean… I'm not some actor they can hang a broad off my arm and declare the rumors aren't true," the brunette swallowed hard, fighting back tears. He would NOT be a fucking sissy about this. He wasn't gonna give in to the petty lies, live up to the hated stereotypes. He wasn't some light loafer that cried and clung to a man like some useless girl. 

Bucky's anger was white-hot, and it staved off the tears. "No, I'm not so lucky. They see me letting loose with you, and I'm sent home. As if my pa needs another reason to hate me," Bucky almost choked on the last words, but he was grateful his throat didn't close up 'til after. Running a moist palm over his mouth he stared at the ground, willing Steve to keep his distance, terrified of the hurtful ramblings falling from his lips but unable to stop. It had been eating at him for far too long. Forcing the tightness in his throat to ease he shook his head, blinking to try and center his racing thoughts. "You got nothing to lose, I got everything. I'm not… this isn't playtime Steve, it's a god damned nightmare. We might pretend like this is okay, like this is normal  but it's not, and it's dangerous to play around with it," Bucky didn't even know what he was talking about anymore, the war, or their… indiscretions. 

The cameras were just the catalyst, the final straw that broke the camel's back. "It might've been fun when we were kids but it's not a game." His mind sneered at him,  _ No one else thinks it's innocent.  _

  
  
  
  


When Bucky turned back to him, Steve could see the pain in his eyes. He just wanted to comfort his friend, but he felt like he didn't know how to anymore. All he could do was stand there and listen to the man unleash everything he'd kept buried inside for all this time. Steve felt horrible. He knew right away that it wasn't about the director, but he had no idea that he'd caused his friend so much pain.

Steve had been careless. He knew he came off as cavalier about everything, but it wasn't as if he didn't have a realistic view of the world, he just chose not to let the whims of other people dictate how he lived his life. He realized that it didn't come so easily to Bucky, and he had to admit that the brunette had a point about the disturbing lack of balance between the way people viewed them. It had been his greatest fear, to alienate his fellow soldiers, especially Bucky. But Steve hadn't expected his friend to be so freaked out about their nights together. It was true that he'd been wishy-washy about it. There was so much going on lately that thinking about relationships and what he wanted out of life was difficult to process. He'd been stringing Bucky along, making him think it was all just a game. It couldn't have been farther from his true intentions.

Steve took a deep breath, trying to take in all that Bucky had vented. He didn't know where to begin. "It's been a rough day, Bucky. I know that with the cameras here, it's hard not to think about our lives being laid bare for the world to see. And it's true they're going to view me with rose-colored glasses 'cause I'm their golden child. But it's not like that's who I really am. I'm not a superhero. I'm not a movie star who has no time for anyone but himself. I'm a soldier. One unit in an enormous force that's fighting for what's right. And I'm first and foremost your friend. If you think I would ever stand idly by while some jerk with a sense of almighty morality tried to persecute you, then you've got another thing coming."

He could feel his face glowing red. This wasn't the sort of thing the two friends usually discussed, but it had always floated around Steve's head, and he knew it was important to say, no matter the consequences. "I'm not just playing around, Buck. I don't know what to call what's going on between us, but I know it's special to me, and I know I would give anything to keep you safe."

  
  
  
  


It was like every horrid romance movie Bucky had ever suffered through for the sake of normalcy. Truth be told he loved the action flicks, the science fictions with the crazy technology, the movies that made him feel alive. A glimpse of a future where humanity had learned to live with itself and build wondrous things, explore and reach for more… His father always told him it was a dream, a fantasy that was a waste of time. The human race was a continuous disaster, and all they could do was live whatever life they could squeeze out of it with their own two hands. He'd had to learn to hide his books, to chat about things he had very little interest in. The more he wore the mask the more it felt normal… but Steve always kept him honest. Steve never cared what other people thought, never hid from the ones that might hurt him, never compromised himself for anyone else. It had drawn Bucky to him like a moth to a flame. A flame that was becoming a little too enticing, considering what would happen if he let himself give in to the call. 

"For christ's sake Steve, you're missing the god damned point as usual…" the sergeant growled past his clenched teeth, swearing he could hear boots shuffling through the sticky mud outside. Leave it to Steve to personalize everything. Even if he was technically right on the nose, Bucky wasn't about to talk about their nighttime activities. He'd been ready to blame the war for his outburst, and he was sticking to it. "Don't be so dramatic… You don't have to tell me who you are, or have you forgotten who I am? I've spent half my life chasing death away from you," Bucky couldn't help but feel a little like they were finally seeing one another, despite all the time they'd known each other. Still, it scared him because it felt like betrayal, like they'd been lying all along. Maybe it was just him, maybe he was so upset because he could never really be himself, not if he loved his family. Steve would never really know him as well as he knew Steve. Steve was too damned honest…

"I don't care about some jerk, I don't care about…" Bucky growled in frustration, because the truth was he did care, he had to. Steve said he would protect him, but that wasn't what would happen. Steve couldn't protect him from reality. And the reality was, there was no good place for someone like him, someone with his… affliction. As much as Steve would try to fight that, it was a moot point. "I don't know who or what you think I am, but it's not that," he lied again, running his tongue along the sharp tips of his teeth, trying to use the pain to center his mind. He wanted to hit something again. 

"This isn't… don't talk to me like I'm some dame," the older man warned, taking a step back from his friend, feeling shame at the memories of things he'd done. The things he'd wanted done to him. Everything he'd wanted Steve to do to him. All the things he still wanted. It was selfish, it was cruel. He'd always known Steve was a giver, he'd do anything for him. And Bucky was realizing he was indeed just selfish enough to take advantage of that. Not for one minute did he really think about Steve, what Steve wanted, who Steve wanted. He'd seen that blatant look of desire when Agent Carter had walked in in that damned red dress and he'd panicked. He saw his comfortable position in Steve's life being taken away from him just like that and he'd finally given in to his greed. All those years of fooling around he'd told himself he was being kind to a friend that was never gonna be noticed, never gonna be given the love he deserved, and that had made it alright for him to use their friendship to get what he'd wanted. But it was wrong, and he'd always known it. He didn't deserve Steve's friendship. 

"What we got is history, a friendly arrangement, that's it. I don't need pretty words and declarations Steve. I'm just your buddy, your pal, nothin's gonna change that. If your stupid hasn't run me off yet, it ain't gonna." Bucky hadn't expected any of their conversation to happen, not then, not ever. Things had never really been smooth between them, never had to be. There was never a question if the other was going to give up on their friendship, because they didn't have it in them to give up on anything. At least, if Bucky ever tried, Steve kicked him back in line. It'd gotten to a point where the older man didn't have it in him anymore either. At least, that's what he'd thought. But their current situation and everything he'd started to understand about himself gave him serious doubts. If he was gonna live with himself, he had to take a step back. He had to let Steve live his own life, go after the things he wanted. Even if that meant he'd leave Bucky in the dust… 

So with a sigh and shake of his head, the sergeant mustered up a smile, the tight-lipped attempt was becoming an integral part of his mask. "This war's got us both actin' nuts. I feel like I'm in a waking nightmare half the time, and you're all that's real. That's… that's not fair to you, and I don't want you thinkin' you gotta protect me. I'm startin' to realize just how fed up you musta been with my heroics all those years… why you always felt you had to prove yourself. Well you know what? Turnabout's a bitch. I get it now, I really do. Don't go denyin' it cause I know you Steve, believe it or not, I do." Bucky found a genuine laugh tumbling from his lips, and startled though he was, he went with it. Anything to break the tension. 

"So don't overthink it. It's this war's got us riled up. I just don't want a damned public record of my misery. Anyway if it'll make you feel better you can tell that little worm off, not gonna lie, I'd enjoy watching him squirm," Bucky came back to the director, just wanting the awkwardness to stop, for his denial to settle back in all comfy like. He'd keep being Steve's friend until the guy didn't want that anymore, until Peggy saw the warning signs and told him off. Until the war finally shut him up for good and Steve and Peggy didn't have to worry about him mucking things up. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Over the past several months, Steve had fought more enemies than he'd ever expected to face in a lifetime. He'd faced countless dangers that risked his life. Still nothing scared him more than the prospect of making Bucky upset enough to hate him. He felt that fear as his friend spoke, feeling as though he had made the hugest mistake of his life, wishing he could go back in time or run away and pretend it didn't happen. But Steve had been fighting that instinct his entire life, and today was no different.

The super soldier relaxed a little as his friend worked his way through his thoughts. It was clear that he'd brought up a sore topic that Bucky wasn't ready to discuss, and this was his way of pushing back against it. Steve had to laugh at himself. "I guess I have been a bit reckless. Sorry buddy." After all that had happened, he'd gotten it into his head that he was some sort of hero. The one man who could stop Johann Shmidt. It was a ridiculous notion. Apparently Bucky was the only person who had noticed this enough to call him out on it.

Steve welcomed the return to normalcy, for whatever passed for normal anymore. "Well you can bet on it, if that man ever decides to come back and make a serial about me, he'll get an earful before he starts shoving cameras up noses again!"

He knew better than to keep pushing the topic of their relationship. For now it was enough that the subject had been broached. The blonde knew Bucky would keep looking after him, as much as Steve would keep looking out for his best friend. He held out hope that they would get through this, and one day they could find a sense of safety and happiness where it felt comfortable to explore things further.

  
  
  
  
  


"So noble, so true, my hero," Bucky teased, flashing a smile that was genuine as the sun, feeling a thrill right down to his toes. It always happened when he felt the weight of Steve's sweet platonic affection for him. It was something he counted on for life, sure as his heart beating. He would die the day it wasn't there anymore. 

"Chin up pal, it's no big thing. I'm just tired of this whole trainwreck... I don't wanna ruin your  _ entire  _ day so I'm gonna see if I can find Dugan. Last I heard he was clingin' to a stash of bourbon. I hate the stuff but it gets the job done," Bucky felt like he hadn't had a decent night of shut eye in months. Even with Steve laying into him like he was a two penny whore every night... though it had been a week since they'd done anything. 

The brunette met their eyes finally, but only for a second, refusing to let Steve see the pain there, the weariness. He had enough to fret about. Bucky knew how deeply Steve felt things, and he didn't want to be the one that ruined their friendship by confusing the man any more than he already had. 

Bucky would let Steve stay close, but not too close. Not close enough that he let his future slip through his seemingly perpetually clenched fists. "And before you give me the speech, we both know I got a high tolerance, and we're not moving for another day. If anything happens I can hit a freckle on the head of a flea with my eyes shut. No loss for the thunderstorm in my skull," Bucky rubbed a hand up the back of this own neck, focusing on the prickles as hair moved under his hand. He had to get out of his own head. 

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's quickness to shoot down any judgment over his beverage choices made Steve smile. The brunette may have been guarded, but he always seemed so trusting of Steve. It pleased him to know that his friend cared enough to even bring it up.

It had been quite a stressful day and it was no wonder that their tempers were flaring up. Steve was just happy that no matter how heated things got between them, they were still able to see clearly enough that they could be civil again. He'd never had a friendship like the one he had with Bucky. One with such a wide range of emotions. The bad times were crushing, but the good times were the best he'd ever felt. It was apparent to Steve that they couldn't have one without the other. His close attachment to Bucky was painful at times, but he couldn't imagine life without it.

Steve put his hands up in surrender, "You'll hear no objection from me! You should relax while you can. Take your mind off things. I could use some rest myself. My face hurts from forcing a smile all day." Without thinking, he raised his hand slightly. His instinct was to pat Bucky on the shoulder, just so he could feel some physical contact to reassure him that they were going to be alright. But he didn't want to make his friend uncomfortable, so he lowered his hand again. "Sleep well, Bucky."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky snorted at the playful posture of his friend, feeling a flutter of affection at the way they could just fall back in sync like it was nothing. Big things became nothing and he was more than fine with that. Bucky never was one to hold onto anger if he could help it. 

At the mention of Steve's face hurting the sergeant laughed, rolling his eyes a bit. "Ahh, you say you hate it but I see the way your eyes sparkle when they need another pose for the posters." He knew they were just posturing at this point, the crisis had been averted. 

But when Steve recoiled from touching him Bucky suffered a twinge of anxiety, realizing he'd already gotten too tangled with his friend. Nothing was ever gonna be like it was, but he'd made that choice when he'd taken his friend to bed.

"Hey," his voice lowered, softer, the sentiment reflected in his eyes as he forced himself to meet Steve's. Reaching out he gripped the other man's upper arm, still baffled at the muscles there. "Don't get all dramatic on me again. We're fine, nothin's gonna change us. I'm always gonna be with you, you got that?" 

After a hard stare he cracked another smile, giving the biceps he held a squeeze. When he was satisfied that Steve was settled down he left him with a pat, backing towards the tent flap. "Now don't turn in too early, I know you can be a stick in the mud but you gotta live while you're alive Steve. So live a little would ya? I'll see you at breakfast."

With a wink he was out in the cold air, tugging his jacket tighter around himself, giving the cigarettes a second thought. But no, he might have to trade them for the bourbon, if Dugan wasn't feeling friendly. It had been known to happen. 

Making his way to the mess tent he looked up at what he could see of the stars between bare branches, their camp being nestled in a smattering of trees and thick brush. He watched his breath escaping into the night sky, glad that it was clear for once, even if it did make things more dangerous. 

Predictable as ever, Dugan sat with a small collection of nurses and soldiers, spinning tales and telling terrible jokes that made Bucky's ears ring. Chuckling to himself he had a seat, pleased when Dugan waved off the majority of the group. "What can I do fer ya sergeant?" 

Bucky didn't even blink as a curvy young nurse slid into his lap, though Dugan's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Oh ho ho, that kind of night is it? I was hopin' we'd have a party before the lights went out," he grinned from ear to ear, and Bucky managed a smile, 

"Like I'd miss any opportunity," the sergeant replied, giving the girl in his lap a once over. Dugan seemed tentative for a moment but it passed quickly. 

"Aye, I have a feeling I know what you're here for," the Irishman took a second to produce the bourbon, the bottle large and full. It was more than Bucky had been expecting. The apprehension on his face was enough for the blonde man to catch on, "What's wrong my boy, I thought you were in for it?" 

"I am," Bucky was quick to reply, voice light despite his hesitation, "Just didn't expect that much to survive your company," he joked, and the other man guffawed. 

"Surely I've got a few more surprises up my sleeves yet," the big man teased along, watching as the nurse whispered something in Bucky's ear that made the soldier blush. 

Clearing his throat Bucky shifted in his seat, hand motioning for the bottle almost desperately. "Time's a wastin', if you'd be so kind. Or are you afraid you can't keep up?"

"Oh I know that game son," Dugan's bright eyes flashed knowingly, but Bucky didn't have time to analyze the meaning behind it as a canteen full of bourbon was handed his way. He tipped it at his friend in respect as he accepted it, and took a deep swig without pause. 

Bucky just wanted to forget the day, by any means necessary, and he was well on his way. 

  
  
  
  
  


He knew it to be true, but every time Bucky reassured Steve about their friendship, it sent a warm feeling through his body, subduing all of his fears, at least for the time being. It was enough to keep going, just having the constant reminder that Bucky was there. That was all that Steve needed to be sure that he was doing the right thing.

"No worries, Buck. If you're good then I'm happy." He gave an awkward wave as the man walked away, telling Steve to live a little, "Heh. I'll do my best."

Steve waited a couple minutes after the brunette had left before walking outside. There was no sign of him, and the area around the tent they had dove into was still fairly abandoned. Shouts of laughter could be heard nearby. It seemed that everyone was still celebrating their inevitable stardom. Steve wasn't sure what to do with himself since he didn't want to infringe on Bucky and Dugan's good times, so he decided to go for a walk.

Captain America walked slowly around the perimeter of the base camp, taking in everything and reflecting on what had brought him there. It felt like only yesterday that he had been saying goodbye to Bucky in Brooklyn, but at the same time it felt like it had been in another lifetime. The thought of being back there with Bucky made Steve smile. He had to believe they would return one day. But he knew that he had more important concerns. Many lives were at stake. As much as he wanted to make things right with Bucky, it would have to wait.

So he walked on, making sure no danger loomed on the outset, nodding toward the soldiers keeping watch, and keeping a close eye on his men.

  
  
  
  


It wasn't long before Dugan had them all singing, the camp in good spirits despite Bucky's run in with the cameramen. Dugan didn't seem too interested in the story, as he never brought it up, and Bucky wasn't inclined to talk about it. The big Irishman probly heard all the much more tantalizing gossip about it anyway, who wanted the straight facts when embelishing was way more fun? 

The bottle of bourbon had been spent, mostly between Bucky and Dugan, and he again was glad for the special treatment they got, since the army didn't look too kindly on drunken parties in the middle of what felt like the apocalypse. The nurse that had practically taken up residence in his lap was nibbling at his ear, and all he could do was shift her to his thigh to avoid any unpleasantness. She was lovely, sure, but he was finding the more he shared himself with Steve, the less desire he had for anyone else. 

It was then that Howard Stark chose to burst in, thankfully taking the attention off him, and the sergeant smiled as the girl bounded off to greet the charismatic inventor. "Ah, James! I see my invitation was lost in the mail... again." Howard gave the nurse a squeeze, and she clung to him tighter, offering a cup of whatever she'd been indulging in. 

"Oh Howie, what's a party without you?" Bucky mocked playfully and moved to stand, a little irritated the alcohol didn't seem to have much of an effect on him. Howard simply laughed, and after guzzling the liquid he'd been handed he grabbed Bucky's shoulder. 

"Where's your better half? Don't tell me he's in bed already, again," Stark's head fell back dramatically and he sighed, waving an arm in exasperation, "All the world's his stage and he hides behind the curtains. Ah well, more for me." With a grin the inventor picked up another glass, downing it without much worry. "Tell him I need to see him in the morning, we've got some things to go over, exciting things!" 

"Your vocabulary astounds, as usual," Bucky snickered, feeling warm but not hazy as he'd hoped. Howard didn't seem to hear him, and he just nodded and waved as the man was drawn off into the crowd. Dugan caught his gaze and gave a mighty pout, one that Bucky mirrored with a hands up shrug as he backed away, his intention to leave clear. Dugan broke into a horrendously loud guffaw, one that raised the sergeant's brows as he turned to head back to his tent. The man was... something.

It was much quieter outside, and he gratefully took in the rustling leaves, the glimmer of frost along the grass and trees. He realized he hadn't had to trade his cigarettes after all, and for a long moment he considered testing them out again. But his tent was nearing, and Howard would be up bright and early, despite his raucous nightime activities. 

With a heavy sigh that puffed his cheeks out he gave in to the urge to turn in, to give up for the night in the hopes that tomorrow might be better. Bucky stepped into the tight quarters quickly, doing his best to keep as much of the cold out as possible as he began to strip, his back to the area Steve would be sleeping in. 

The last thing he wanted was to have another conversation about... them, or whatever they were doing. He knew it was never going to go anywhere. Even if they survived the war, Steve had his plans, had his dreams... and Bucky knew as much as he wanted it they couldn't include him in any capacity that continued their... intimacies. He'd come to terms with it, but he hated that Steve was confused. The last thing he wanted was to make their friendship any more awkward than it had been, but he'd managed it anyway.

Still, he could hope for a respite...

  
  
  
  


Steve wandered a bit farther outside of the camp, far enough that he could scarcely hear the sounds of mirth. Gazing through the trees gave him a sense of calm that he rarely felt growing up in the city. It was strange to think about how much of the world he'd been missing out on. He even felt an odd sensation in his chest as he thought about traveling the world with Bucky. He didn't want to get ahead of himself, but thinking about his life outside of the war was the main thing that kept him fighting.

Steve felt like his mind had been racing all day. He was so full of inspiration and starting to realize he hadn't vented in far too long. He made a beeline for his tent, still empty as Bucky was probably in the throes of celebration, and got himself comfortable on the floor with his sketch pad.

He started drawing one of the trees from memory, but instead of having it surrounded by other trees, the blonde found himself sketching one of the streets he grew up on. He hadn't been thinking about it, but when he stopped to look at his artwork, Steve realized it was just like something he'd seen earlier that day. One of the camera crewmen had had a novel in his bag. It had caught Steve's eye while the man was getting things ready for a shoot. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. He didn't know what it was about, but he loved the title.

A yawn escaped the super soldier's lips and he decided that he may as well get some rest. The truth was that Steve had been feeling excited ever since Bucky told him he'd be seeing him at breakfast. There was something about spending a morning with friends and food that had always made it one of his favorite things. So the sooner he could wake up for it, the better.

Steve turned down his lantern and settled himself in for bed. He was finally starting to doze off when he heard the drunken rustling of a man trying too hard not to make any noise. "Had a good evening, I hope?"

  
  
  
  


Bucky had been listening for any sign of movement in the dark, curious if Steve was still awake or not. As it was, the blonde was speaking to him and the sergeant felt the anxiety he'd been trying to chase off all night start nipping at his insides. Shrugging it off as best he could he tucked his coat away and glanced over his shoulder, flashing his friend a smile meant to show he wasn't in a sour mood anymore. 

"Dugan, bourbon, nurse Sanders," he began, sending a wink Steve's way as he shucked off his uniform jacket, placing it down as well, "I must be more tired than I thought. Drink didn't hit me as hard as I was expecting," he shrugged with a tug of a frown at the corner of his mouth, turning to face Steve's cot.

"Got out of there before Howard could suck me into hell," he snorted, thinking about the one time he stayed for the party and couldn't look anyone in the eye for a week. It'd been memorable, but not something he wanted to relive. Gabe still occasionally sent him winks and kissy lips.

Kicking off his boots he sat on his own thin bed, yanking at the ends of his trousers to free himself of the restricting fabric, heart speeding up a bit. He didn't know if he was ready to break their drought... in fact he didn't know if he ever would be. Having the camera in camp had him on edge, if anyone got wise... 

Pushing the worries away he groaned as he was finally free, leaving his thermals on despite the fact that he didn't really need them. Flopping back in his blankets he squirmed until he was entangled in the covers, closing his eyes and refusing to dwell on his friend's state of mind. He knew Steve was concerned they were drifting apart, but Bucky felt he'd aired enough of his fears to quell that issue, at least for a while.

"Speaking of hell, Stark wants to see you bright and early, though we both know I'll still beat you there," Bucky teased from his pile of sheets, knowing his friend too well, "Don't worry your pretty little head, I'll make sure he has coffee ready."

  
  
  
  


Steve was glad to hear that his friend had had a good time. He still felt a slight apprehension at joining in on the group's frivolity. The Howling Commandos had built up quite the rapport, and the blonde still felt a little out of place at times. It would just take more effort, he figured.

It was a little disappointing to hear that he had to report first thing in the morning, but he knew that was what he'd signed up for. There was always going to be important work to do, especially now that he was the army's golden child. The mention of coffee had him intrigued, however. Stark always smuggled in the most premium goods into camp. "Well if he's willing to part with his precious Colombian blends, I suppose I can make time for him." He smirked and gave his friend a wink in the dark room, "Night, Buck."

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

As expected, Steve awoke to find himself alone in the tent. It was still early, but he could already hear people awake and moving outside. He didn't dawdle, not wanting to keep everyone waiting. He hurriedly got dressed and made his way to Stark's tent of goodies, where Howard and Bucky were there waiting for him.

"Rogers reporting in! Sorry to keep you waiting," he said, trying to keep an air of professionalism while feeling a little embarrassed at the same time. Sometimes it was difficult for Steve to be sociable this early in the morning. "I was told there'd be coffee?"

  
  
  
  


Groaning as he shuffled into Howard's technological marvel tent, Bucky wished he hadn't bothered to tell Steve about the meeting, as it might've bought him a few more moments peace before the inventor came looking for them. Steve was lagging behind, but soon enough they'd be in the thick of it... Whatever it was. 

Squinting, mouth still sticky from sleep, he didn't even blink as a cup of coffee was pressed into his left hand, his right still picking sand from his eyes. 

"Angel-faaace," Howard drawled too damned cheerfully for someone that had been up later than him, giving him a hearty slap on the back in greeting. Bucky just grunted, dragging his feet over to the nearest chair, a large yawn forcing him to pause for a beat before he sat down heavily.

A sip or two into the piping hot morning caffeine and Bucky was able to open his eyes, startled when Howard's face was a mere inch away. "Tell me honestly now, sweetcakes, what do you think?" The perky man stepped back to indicate the item he wished the sergeant to asess, arms outstreached towards it.

It was Steve's Captain America uniform, only a little more streamlined. 

"ANOTHER upgrade? What is this, six in as many months? Your nimble little fingers must be sore," Bucky blithley poked fun at THE Howard Stark, something no one else seemed very inclined to do given his status - but that's why Howard liked him so much. "I hope this one comes with chocolate."

"It's just so damned fun! Who knew I would be so adept at fashion?" Howard tugged at the corners of the proudly displayed uniform, brushing it off here and there.

"Oh my god, you're like a god damned house wife," Bucky rolled his mirthful eyes, grinning widely, delighting in the way Howard let the prickly comments roll right off of him. The sergeant leaned back on two legs of his chair, pushing off the table with one booted foot.

"Steve would be so lucky," the inventor teased back, "But I'd never haggle over that claim sweet cheeks, don't you fret." 

Bucky snorted into his gifted coffee, rolling his head back in amused response to the implication as he swallowed a swig. Howard didn't really have a clue, but he liked to mess with him, or anyone else that caught his attention for more than a minute. Still, they had a special sort of banter, and it was relaxing and... refreshing.

Luckily their good-natured jabbing had ended by the time Steve showed up. As much as Bucky loved him, he wasn't exactly quick on the uptake when it came to joking around. The last thing he wanted was an embarrassing miscommunication that resulted in Stark finding out about their very real... arrangement. 

Howard huffed, hands on his hips in response to Steve's query, even as Bucky handed the blonde man a steaming cup of rich dark coffee with a smirk. "I'd think you'd be glad to see  _ me _ , after the stunt Carter pulled in the lab," Howard pointedly reminded Steve by poking him in the chest with a playful finger gun. "As crass as that was, she gave me an idea. This new weave is even more resistant to small arms fire."

  
  
  
  


Steve hadn't meant to be rude to Howard. It felt like he had barged in on the men in the midst of conversation. He made an apologetic face as he buried his nose in the aromatic coffee, giving Bucky a thankful nod.

The super soldier couldn't hide his amazement as his groggy eyes finally fell upon the new suit that was hanging beside them. "Wow, Stark. I haven't even had time to break in the last one yet!" It was still weird to Steve that the most genius inventor of their time was here making specially tailored battle gear for him. It made him feel honored, but at the same time he wondered why he was getting such special treatment.

So far Steve had managed to avoid getting shot, for the most part, but he couldn't say all of his colleagues in arms had been so lucky. "It's great, Howard," he said as he clapped his hand on Bucky's shoulder, "I don't suppose you'd mind making something similar for the rest of the men, would you?" He flashed an award-winning smile to the engineer, hoping that he had come off more charming than intimidating.

It was hard to look at Bucky with the painful thoughts that filled his head. As the war went on, images of people dying were imprinting themselves on Steve's memory. The last thing he wanted was to have any more lost lives on his conscience.

  
  
  
  


Howard took a deep breath, "I'm working with rare materials here, this stuff doesn't just grow on trees ya know. If I weren't me, I'd probably not even know this stuff existed! Since you're my top priority, you get whatever I got. But your merry band of men do have their own upgrades."

Howard grabbed a handful of M&Ms, popping them into his mouth in one go. "In case you hadn't noticed, our friend Mr.Barnes here has a rather unique jacket. Don't see anyone else sporting this little number do you?" The inventor raised an eyebrow at him, even as he ran a hand down the sergeant's free arm. 

Bucky's expression was mildly amused as he sipped his drink, not minding the manhandling one bit. Steve's hand on one side of him, Howard's on the other, "Boys, boys, there's plenty of me to go around," he muttered into his coffee, lips curved in a half hidden smile.

Howard waited a beat before going on, as if hoping his words were sinking in, eyes shining with amusement and a hint of irritation. "I've taken great pains to ensure your men have as close to your quality of gear as possible. Which isn't easy, given that I'm working experimentally on the fly."

Bucky looked down at his buttoned blue jacket as Howard walked away, back to showcasing his newest version of Steve's outfit. "Since I've noticed your penchant for throwing yourself into the thick of it, I've had to keep on top of the mounting dangers you expose yourself to. That many variables takes a while to figure out, you know, even for a guy like me."

Bucky noticed Steve seemed a little on edge, and decided to jump in for all their sakes, "He doesn't mean to sound like the US Government, Howie, they've just been knockin' him around so much he doesn't know which way is up. Most times he won't shut up about how glamorous he feels in your custom gear." 

Bucky met Steve's gaze pointedly, hopefully letting his friend know he was trying to help him out of a seemingly sticky situation, not make him feel stupid. Steve never had been good at reading people, and Bucky had always been there to translate. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve had of course admired Bucky's jacket, but he'd had no idea that it was a Stark invention. He knew that he was asking a lot of one man to make an entire army invincible, so the fact that Stark was trying so hard meant a lot to him. The blonde breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that if this man was on their side, they'd stand a fighting chance.

Howard seemed to have ignored Bucky's muttered comment, and Steve had to try not to laugh. It made him happy to see his friend in such high spirits. He had hoped some rest and relaxation would do the trick.

It was awkward having to listen to Howard complain about how reckless he was. He had to agree the man had a point. But Steve took Bucky's reply as a queue to dial it back a bit, "I'm impressed, Howard, really. We'd never have made it this far without you." He gave Bucky a smile as a way of saying thanks.

Steve gave Howard a strong handshake and turned back to the hanging uniform, "Well I won't keep you guys waiting. I guess I'd better try this thing on." He grabbed the suit and took it to a corner behind some machinery where he could change. The new suit felt different. It was snug, but more flexible. He no longer felt like a man in a rubber suit like he was in some cheesy monster movie. This felt more like it was a part of him.

Captain America emerged to show off the fit to his friends, "Well, how's it look?"

  
  
  
  


"Don't be shy Steve, maybe if he gets a better look at ya he can trim it up a bit more for the next time," Bucky teased the younger man as his friend hid himself behind hulking equipment, "Should be ready by what, next week?" the sergeant's eyes sparlked with delight as Howard glared at him, though the smirk the inventor was sporting showed that he appreciated the joke. 

Finishing off his coffee Bucky stood from the chair he'd been lounging in, turning to face the corner where Steve had taken refuge. The blonde man had nothing to be shy about, and no mistake. Bucky had seen the serum's work up close and 'impressive' didn't come close to cutting it. Still, old habits died hard it seemed, much to his benefit. If Steve knew just what effect he had on people, it sure wouldn't be Bucky sharing his bed from night to night. He had no illusions about that. 

"C'mere would ya? We're not all gifted with super sight," Bucky prodded his friend playfully, pleased when Steve strode confidently over to them. Howard clapped his hands, admiring his own work as usual. 

"Go on, have a feel sergeant. A new weave. If it works out I'll see about the rest of you." Bucky gave Howard a playful narrowing of his eyes even as he reached out to pull at the edge of one of Steve's sleeves.

"Kinda spongey," Bucky pursed his lips, "Might take a bit of kick out of the rifle," he mused aloud, his excited expression falling from his face only to be replaced by alarm. He threw his left arm out, grabbing at Steve's chest,"SNIPER!" Bucky slammed himself against Steve then, their faces pressed together as the older man hugged his friend tight, body going rigid even as he tugged the blonde to the cold ground. Howard dropped beside them with the shot still ringing in their ears, dark eyes panicked as he seemed to shut down momentarily, then he rolled to his knees and crawlled off, scrambling for anything that might shield them. 

Stark needn't have worried, as a second later the all clear rang out, and Bucky finally let his grip loosen. Howard anxiously eyed the trees, but there was not a single nook that seemed likely to cover a sniper. "How'd you even spot -" he began, but Bucky coughed, cutting him off, and forced out a reponse through gritted teeth as he rolled onto his back,

"Didn't dull his lens, rookie mistake." 

"Lucky you were wearing that jacket I so lovingly made you, James," Howard carried on the lilt of joking in his voice, continuing their conversation from earlier. "That bullet should have killed you both."

"Might need some work," Bucky snarked, suddenly realizing how hard it was to breathe. Gasping he clutched at his chest, trying to pull his jacket away as if it would help him get oxygen. "Bastard got me," he wheezed, eyes squeezing shut against the pain. He coughed again, this time blood spattered in a fine mist over Steve's shocked pale face. The bullet meant for Steve fell from where it had nestled into his new pillowy suit, Bucky's blood coating it and leaving a bright blossoming stain on the brand new material. Writhing as he fought for breath he seemed to search the room for a bit without seeing, muttering, "Is Steve okay?" before passing out. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve tried not to be too self-conscious as the men looked him over. He was still getting used to the idea of wearing a flashy costume, but if he had Bucky's approval, then that was all he needed. "You've outdone yourself, Stark. It'll take some breaking in, but this feels better already! Thanks."

He felt he'd put his friend in an awkward position with his ignorant comments, so it was a relief when Steve felt Bucky's fingers graze his wrist. It was a small bit of contact, but it was enough to give him a boost of adrenaline that started to wake him more than coffee ever would.

Before he knew what was going on, Steve was on the ground after feeling an onslaught to his senses. Bucky was on top of him. He remembered hearing shouting. Did he say sniper? He looked into Bucky's eyes and saw a pained look as the brunette rolled off onto his back.

Still dazed, it was the sound of Bucky saying his name that snapped Steve out of it. "Bucky?" He clambered over the man who lay unconscious on his back, struggling to free the sergeant of the clothes he was still clutching. It was then that he saw the blood on Bucky's shoulder. "Bucky!" Steve suddenly felt tears streaming down his face, but instinct kicked in before he could lose his composure.

"Get a medic!" He called out to Howard, but as he looked up he saw that the man was already halfway out the door. "Way ahead of you, kid!" Stark said, "I'll be back in no time!" and he left Steve to watch over his friend. It couldn't have been over a minute before the medical team was rushing in, but to Steve it felt like forever. "Just hold on, Buck."

It didn't take long before it was clear that Bucky was in a stable condition as he lay on a bed in the medical tent. Steve finally felt like he could breathe again. He hadn't left Bucky's side for a second. The sergeant hadn't yet come to, but the doctors had left them alone. "Dammit Bucky," the blonde said, looking at the floor and wiping his eyes, "I try so hard to keep you safe and you go and risk it all for me. We're supposed to end this war and go home together, okay? I can't have you screwing up my plans like this."

  
  
  
  
  
  


"I'm not too fond of the new color scheme," Bucky groaned when he finally opened his eyes, noting Steve still wore the new uniform now stained with his blood. It was a bizarre sight, one that made quite an impression in his foggy mind. He sighed, sluggishly looking around the sparsely furnished med tent.

"Were you just... hollering at me?" he asked accusingly, sleepy eyes narrowed further at his worried friend. Bucky pursed his lips and braced himself as he shifted, trying to sit up a little more. 

"A guy's lying here, on his deathbed, and you're yellin' at 'im," the sergeant mumbled even as he reached for the cup of water beside his bed, missing it slightly and sending it to the floor. 

"Damn it," he cursed half-heartedly, letting his head flop back on his pillow. "What's that you owe me now, two? Three?" Bucky teased, his head swimming a bit. He moaned, squeezing his pained eyes shut, "This  _ really _ hurts."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve leapt to his feet when he heard Bucky rustling awake. He followed the soldier's eyes down to his blood-spattered chest, which had escaped his notice until then. It was a shocking sight, but then he smiled, knowing his friend was going to be okay. "Couldn't agree with you more. I'll get Stark to change it right away."

Steve laughed softly. No matter what happened, Bucky was still Bucky. He reached down to grab the cup off the floor. "Yeah, well someone had to wake you up. We're all working hard for the push tomorrow and you're in here trying to sleep the day away!" The blonde grabbed his friend's hand and squeezed it slightly.

"Just stop moving, you jerk. You've done enough damage for one day." Steve had to resist the urge to grab Bucky and hold him tight. He never wanted to let the man go. The thought of losing him was too terrible to imagine for one second more. "I owe you more than that, Buck. But I can start by getting you some breakfast. You must be starving."

  
  
  
  
  
  


"You know what else he can do? He can go to -" Bucky began about Stark before a coughing fit hit him. Groaning he threw his good arm over his eyes. He cleared his throat and after a long pause revealed his face. 

"If you think this is keepin' me from going with you," the sergeant's voice was dead serious, but his gaze softened when his friend took his hand. He allowed it for a few seconds before he heard Nurse Sanders moving around. Pulling his hand away he averted his eyes and simply nodded when she said she was going to get the doctor. 

"Hell yeah, I'm starving..." Bucky mumbled under his breath as he struggled to sit up further, wincing with a hiss, hand reaching for his side. "Did they stick more damn holes in me?" he grouched as Morita strolled in, looking tentatively amused. 

"That's the appropriate treatment for a collapsed lung, so yeah," the shorter man sassed at them, pouring Bucky a cup of water, handing it to him with force. "Steady breaths, calm. Any more holes and I'll run out of drugs keepin' you alive." 

Bucky frowned and pouted before taking a sip of his water, tilting his head as he allowed Morita to check on his bandage. "Not bleeding through, that's a good sign. You should be dead you know, that caliber should have bled you out." Letting him rest back against the fluffed pillows the asian american shook his head, "It's a god damned miracle. But if you think you're goin' anywhere tomorrow," he warned, "You're dumber than you look. That kind of aggravation could collapse it again. I'm serious." 

Bucky rolled his eyes, "That's the beauty of my job, I don't have to move a lot. I'm that good." 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve stood up straight when he realized they were no longer alone. He gave a nod to the nurse, putting on his best Captain America face. As Bucky was trying to move again, Steve just grumbled and nearly shoved the man back onto the bed when Morita walked in. The two men merely exchanged exasperated looks, as only people who knew Bucky well could understand.

Steve held back as the medic tended to Bucky, trying not to get in the way of their squabbling. Morita was right, of course. After such a serious injury, he needed as much rest as possible. There was no way Steve was going to let Bucky die just because he was too stubborn to stay in bed. Trying to convince the sergeant of that, however, was going to be a monumental task. Steve figured he'd need more bargaining chips. "I'd better run to mess. Sorry, Jim. Bucky can't think straight without his breakfast," he turned to his wounded friend, "Don't even think about moving until I get back."

Hurriedly Steve left the medic tent, still in a daze. He took a deep breath once he was outside. Bucky was going to be okay. That was enough to bring a smile to his face. All the men were up and alert since they'd heard what happened. Many soldiers gave him a nod as he walked by, some of whom he didn't even recognize. He wasn't sure if they were glad he was alive, or upset that their sergeant had been injured in the line of fire. Steve felt torn about it himself.

When he got to the mess tent, they were already getting packed up. Steve caught the eye of Henderson, one of the men he'd seen serving the food on occasion, "Ah there you are, Captain! Don't worry, we kept some breakfast warm for you and Sergeant Barnes." He walked back to the kitchen and came back with two hot containers of food. Steve accepted them graciously, "Wow thanks, Henderson! You didn't have to do that." The man waved him off, "Don't mention it. Just make sure Barnes gets better soon, eh?" The blonde gave him a smile and made his way back to the med tent.

Bucky was still wincing and grumbling at Morita when Steve came back. The super soldier strode in with the food and opened the container for the bed-ridden soldier. "Here. Eat something, would ya? Looks like Henderson gave you extra bacon, though I know you're still going to steal mine anyway."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I'm not gonna sit on my ass while Steve's out there risking his," Bucky practically growled, though Morita didn't flinch even an inch in the face of his fury. He knew Bucky wasn't one to lay a violent finger on his friends, no matter how angry he got. 

"You're just going to have to accept that in no scenario are you going on that run," Morita's voice was light, like he was talking to a petulant child. It only stoked Bucky's rage further. 

"They're gunnin' for him, and they're gonna be out there - and if I hadn't been there today - " Bucky couldn't even finish the thought. "If I'm not there, no one knows what he's like, it'll be my fault -"

Morita rolled his eyes when Steve arrived and interrupted, "Look, he brought you breakfast. Eat up, get your strength back, you'll be out there in no time."

"I don't fucking want breakfast, I want you to  _ listen to me _ ," the brunette's jaw was clenched tight in anger, though his clear eyes filled with panic as he realized the next breath he attempted wasn't coming to him. The horrid rasping sound made even Morita's seemingly indifferent calm disappear, and he sprang into action, going for his instruments. 

"Keep him down!" he snapped at Steve even as Bucky's good arm blindly reached out and grasped at his blonde friend. "Shallow breaths sergeant! Hold on -" Morita looked hesitant, but shook his head and went in anyway, a moment later Bucky was sucking in air, and the asian american put a blood speckled hand to the New Yorker's sweat beaded forehead. "There you go, there you go..." His dark gaze met Steve's, and he let out a discreet sigh of his own. "Easy now, he's not going anywhere," 

Bucky's hand had grabbed the leather strap across Steve's chest, clinging to it like a lifeline, his eyes shut tight as he focused on his breathing. Damn it, he really was a useless mess. His voice was small when he found it again, " _ I'm sorry _ ."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve's sense of calm was short-lived once he saw Bucky working himself up again. Worry turned to fear as the man stopped breathing and Morita leapt to action. Following the doctor's order, he pinned Bucky down by his arms so he would stop writhing around. The super soldier found himself clenching his eyes shut, not wanting to see whatever Morita was doing to his friend.

Finally he felt Bucky breathing again, and the thrashing had stopped. Steve opened his eyes to see the brunette looking right at him, eyes full of tears, his hand gripping Captain America's new, blood-soaked uniform. Bucky had a look on his face as though his world were ending. All Steve could do was give him a smile, "No need to apologize, Buck."

It was clear that the sergeant was going to be harder to restrain than previously thought. It made sense. He'd just protected Steve from a sniper. Bucky was far and away a better tactician than he was. The only way Steve had made it through training was through sheer bullheadedness. He could understand why Bucky wanted to protect him, but there was no way he was going to let the man move in this condition.

"You remember when we were kids and Mickey Nelson kept picking on me every day? How you finally confronted him after school and he hit you so hard he gave you a concussion?" Steve could tell Bucky wouldn't like that telling of the story so he corrected himself, "After you gave him a few punches yourself, of course. Anyway, you were out of commission for a week after that, despite your protests to me and your mom. I know you wanna look after me, but I gotta take care of you, too, Bucky."

Steve felt himself gazing at his friend a little too long for mixed company. Morita apparently felt the same way as he broke the silence, "Wait, does that make me his mom in this scenario?"

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky was beyond humiliated, his grip on his friend shaking with his nerves as the pain leveled out. Damn it. He didn't want to admit it but he wasn't going to make it out of this one with just a bandage. It went against everything he felt in his bones, letting Steve back out there without him backing him up. 

"They've found our camp, they know you're here, you've gotta go through with the raid," Bucky ignored the tightness in his chest even as Morita was patching him up, sighing when he realized he had to stay behind. "And I gotta sit this one out."

Steve's retelling of his legendary fight with Slick Mickey made him roll his eyes, it was the one time someone got one up on him, and he'd made sure it was the last. "Yeah yeah, I get it. How're you supposed to crush Hydra troops if you're worried I'm gonna drop any second..." Clenching his jaw to fight the rage building in him he let go of Steve's strap, ready to get a few more complaints in when Morita opened his mouth. 

Choking on a laugh Bucky reached for the water set at his bedside, motioning for Steve to hand it to him. Able to breathe after a few sips he rested back in his pillows, the hint of a smile curving his lips, "Only if I get the same treatment. I expect hot cookies and some rose-hip jam for lunch, ma."  Morita's face was priceless. 

"Watch your tongue, son, or I'll tan your hide. That... that came out wrong..." the medic frowned at himself as he cleaned up, pointing at them after a moment, "You, watch him. No funny business. I'll be back to make sure you're not bleeding out," he switched to the sergeant, then once he felt his message had sunk in, he hurried off. 

Bucky relaxed a bit, but he still felt terribly sheepish. He couldn't bring himself to meet Steve's gaze again. "I'm gonna need to see Dugan before you go. Gotta fill him in on how reckless you are. His eye's almost as good as mine, if anyone can keep you relatively safe, he can." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve quickly reached for the water and brought it gently to his friend's lips. He snickered at the men joking around with each other, using his laughter as an excuse to wipe the tears that had been welling up around his eyes. "Don't worry. He's not going anywhere," he said as Morita left them alone once again.

He set the cup back down on the bedside table. "I'll tell him, Bucky. Just take care of yourself. We'll have to pull a little extra slack without our best sniper, but we'll get it done, quickly and carefully, and you'll be back on the front in no time." Steve gazed at his friend in his weakened state. It was hard to see him like this, but knowing he was safe for now was a huge relief, "I'd better go help make sure everything is ready, but I'll be back soon."

Steve left the tent, trying to focus on the mission at hand, despite all the images of Bucky flooding his mind. Fortuitously, the first soldier he came across as he went outside was Dugan, "Dum Dum! Just the man I was looking for. Bucky said he wanted to talk to you before we left."

Dugan gave Steve a wide smile, "Ha! Like I'd let Barnes sleep all day without getting an earful from me! Don't worry, Cap. I'll talk to him."

He continued on, making sure they were prepared for the fight ahead as best as he could manage. The super soldier was learning more every day about how their company worked together, and the men seemed to respect him more every time he offered to help. It made Steve feel like he wasn't just a figurehead, but an important part of the team.

There were still many hours left in the day when Steve decided he'd done all he could, so he returned to the med tent to spend the evening with Bucky. "Hey buddy. You miss me? Not getting into any trouble, I hope."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky growled in frustration as Steve talked about leaving without him, and he bit at his lip anxiously when the super soldier said he'd be back later. "God damn it, I hate this," he muttered bitterly to himself once Steve had gone, and he stared up at the tent ceilling blankly, willing the time to go by faster. 

"Hey, Dummy, about time," Bucky snarked at his big friend as the Irishman entered the quiet space. He didn't know how long he'd been waiting for that canvas flap to open, but it had felt like an eternity. Dugan gave him a tight grin, smacking his foot gently in greeting. It was odd to see the large man so subdued. 

"There he is, I told 'em a few new holes in ya wouldn't keep ya down!" Bucky rolled his eyes, swallowing past the dryness in his throat. Breathing had become both laborious and scary as hell, when he knew that if he got too excited again that could be it. 

"I'm sure you did, probly had bets on how long and how many eh?" Bucky's eyes gave away that he was teasing the other man, and Dugan didn't have it in him to let the mood slip.

"I'll share the winnin's with you of course," the big man gave him a wink and tipped his hat. Bucky smiled despite himself, and cleared his throat, his voice more hoarse than usual.

"Listen, I know we've been runnin' together for months now, and you've gotten to know Steve pretty well," Dugan nodded solemnly, shifting where he stood, evidently ready for whatever the injured man had to say. "Truth is though, he plays it a lot closer to the vest than most people realize. You're gonna get the impression he's focused, he's prepared for anything...but he's gonna be distracted, he's gonna be more reckless than usual - if you can believe it - and I need you to be ready to pull his ass out of whatever fire he's gonna get it in, you hear me?"

Dugan stood uncharacteristically silent, his gaze knowing, heavier than usual. Bucky didn't know what to think about it, but it unnerved him. It was only for a heartbeat though, and then Dum Dum returned, toothy grin and all, slippin a flask out of his jacket. "I'll not have a single nip, not even to mess with him," the big man promised, and Bucky hissed a small laugh, remembering all the times Steve had given them a stern look for passing the container back and forth like it was their lifeblood. It was a harmless little game that Steve still hadn't wisened up on. 

Once he'd returned from his reverie Dugan stared him down once more, the ghost of a smile on his lips, and an almost tangible curiosity in his eyes. Bucky felt a slither of anxiety spike through his stomach, but he needn't have worried. Maybe the Irishman knew, maybe he could read him too well, maybe he just didn't want to risk upsetting him - Whatever it was, he dropped it before he even bothered to broach it. 

"Don't worry little brother, I'll keep both eyes on 'im," Dugan saluted him, and Bucky just shook his head, unable to keep from smiling. 

"I owe you one."

"I owe you at least three by this point, let's just say we're even," the big man guffawed, and Bucky threw his hands up,

"Call it even then." After clasping hands Dugan left him, just in time for Morita to return, checking his bandages. The man from Fresno seemed a bit perplexed, but shrugged it off, ordering the nurse around a bit while Bucky pretended to be asleep. If he was honest he was exhausted, moreso than he ever had been before, even when he'd gotten shot previously. Though it had been a graze, it burned something terrible.

Morita was kind enough to bring him a few magazines and papers, setting them on his bedside table before wandering off. Apparently his ruse had worked, as he didn't have to answer anymore questions for the time being. 

~~ 

Bucky inhaled slowly as he opened his eyes to find Steve over him, smiling. He mirrored the expression, a little alarmed that he'd fallen asleep. He didn't remember doing so. "Aw, c'mon, how much trouble can I get into trapped in bed all day?" Nurse Sanders chose that moment to snicker as she refilled his water, and he gave her a wink as she sauntered off to give them some privacy. "I stand corrected..."

Noting a twinge of something between Steve's eyes he waved him off, letting his friend know he appreciated the joke, "Sorry, just goin' a little stir crazy. I already finished all the crosswords," Bucky motioned to the pile of items beside him, waiting for his nurse to be out of earshot. 

"Of course I missed your dumb mug, I got shot in the shoulder, not the head," the sergeant teased crassly, discreetly brushing his fingertips along Steve's knuckles, "What about you? I realize my dropping out's left quite a hole in the plan." He tried not to sound bitter, he didn't want Steve thinking he regretted what he'd done for even a second. 

  
  
  
  
  


Steve raised his eyebrow at Bucky as the man flirted with the nurse. It seemed the playboy just couldn't turn off his charms, no matter what state he was in. All the blonde could do was smile. He was used to it at this point, though sometimes it was hard to tell where the joking ended and the sincerity began. "Don't worry about it. I can tell you're pent up."

When the nurse walked away and the sergeant's attention shifted to him, Steve was a bit taken aback, but he soon felt relaxed. "Well, our tactics have had to shift a bit, but I think we'll be okay for now. Me and your Howling Commandos will keep everyone safe. And we'll look after each other. I don't want you to worry." He returned Bucky's affection by subtly stroking his arm, "Just don't get too comfortable. We're going to need you as soon as you're well enough to fight."

Steve pulled up a table and chair to Bucky's bedside. "Anyway I've got time to distract you now. I could leave you alone with Nurse Sanders but then what would I do with myself? Carter won't be back on base for a week. What do you say to a game of cards?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky's expression confirmed he was indeed pent up, and he nodded emphatically as he rested back in his pile of pillows. He'd never seen so many in his life, but Morita said they had some to spare, and he wasn't going to argue. "Oh, they're all yours," the sergeant snorted, thinking on their 'elite group', "I will take no responsibility for those idiots."

Bucky's pulse quickened when Steve returned his affection, the older man had to swallow and clear his throat, gingerly shifting. "Me, too comfortable?" the brunette squinted at his friend dubiously, tilting his head, "Did I mention the crosswords were in French?" Bucky boasted in his defense.

After adjusting himself to sit more comfortably, he had a better angle to face the super soldier, "It might have been a while, but Dernier insists on speaking it constantly, says he doesn't like how English feels in his mouth," Bucky rolled his eyes but smiled anyway, "He and Gabe tried to get one up on me back in the day, didn't realize I'd taken classes." 

The injured man watched as Steve set up and brought out a deck of cards. "Who, Candy Sandy? She's flirty as hell but that's about it," Bucky snatched up the cards before Steve could start anything, "I'm not surprised you don't know her reputation, you're awfully invested in your battle broad. Can't say I blame you, she's... somethin' else." The sergeant did his best to ignore the sting of irritation at the reminder of the thorn in his happy fantasies. He focused of shuffling the cards, careful to keep a neutral expresion. 

"What's the game, big guy?" 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve had to admit he was impressed with Bucky's linguistic skills. The sergeant had always had a strong interest in learning new things. It was inspiring to Steve, who knew he sometimes had a one-track mind that could get him into trouble. But as much as he'd love to learn French, he didn't think he'd ever get around to it. He could always have Bucky translate for him though.

The blonde gave a shy smirk when Bucky talked about Peggy. "She is, isn't she?" He still wasn't convinced the SSR agent wanted anything to do with him, but it felt nice to think about her anyway.

"Well I don't know about you, but I'm partial to Rummy myself," Steve said as he watched the brunette's fingers, still nimble as ever, deftly shuffling the deck of cards. "I doubt I'll beat you at anything, but I might as well pick something that gives me a fighting chance."

  
  
  


Bucky did his best to hide his bitterness about Peggy Carter, but it was one of the hardest battles he'd ever had to fight - because Steve was right there smiling so sweetly about her and all it did was make his heart ache.

_ Witty brunette, good with a gun, protective to a fault - what's not to love about a person like that? But oh wait, breasts! That makes all the difference... _ The sergeant wished the intrusive thoughts would stop. He despised being so torn up over his best friend, someone that had never given him reason to hate himself... that was his own issue. 

"Oh god damn it," Bucky laughed when Steve picked the game, biting his lip as he readied the cards, "I should have known before I asked...my fault. I'll let you have this one." It was natural to fall back into the routine of their friendship - the jokes, the memories, the easy way they could read each other's minds. It always helped him forget whatever was bothering him at the time. He never felt so relaxed as he did when he was with Steve, and it killed him that all of that was changing - but he had brought it on himself. He wasn't content just having that one tiny little habit of theirs... He had to turn it into an all out affair. And with it came the temptation of grabbing for more... but he didn't have it in him. Steve had his own desires, his own dreams - and Bucky wanted more than anything else to help him live those to the fullest. No matter what it cost him. Really, he knew in the end it would all be worth it, because Steve's happiness was paramount. 

Nothing gave him true peace like seeing Steve succeed, seeing him accomplish his goals. It might hurt to let him go, but if that's what it took...Bucky returned a smile that was sent his way, though it really didn't reach his eyes as he went through the motions of the game. He didn't let it carry on, pushing the turbulent emotions away, focusing on his friend's mood. 

"I've never known you to pull your punches Steve, don't go easy on a guy just cause he got shot. You can whip me at this, we both know it," Bucky couldn't help but chuckle at the expression on his friend's lovely countenance, "Playing dumb might fool other people but I know you, pal. Knock me down a peg, I can take it." 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He couldn't help but smirk at Bucky's frustration. They hadn't played cards in ages, but whenever given the chance, Steve would try to get a game of Rummy going. For whatever reason, the brunette couldn't seem to get the hang of it, a weakness that Steve tried to exploit at every opportunity.

"Don't you worry. I'm gonna give it my all." He watched as his friend dealt out a hand to each of them. A frown swept his face his briefly when he saw his cards. Nothing matched. He barely had time to sort through his mess of a hand before Bucky laid out a set of three cards on the table. "Now I get it," Steve laughed, "You used your sleight of hand to stack the deck! Doesn't matter. I'll catch up."

Steve didn't bother to keep score, but as the game continued, he was able to get rid of his entire hand before Bucky in almost every round. "I'll let you have that one!" he said after Bucky laid out an impressive 5-card straight to win a hand.

As the night wore on, Steve noticed the wounded man's shuffling was getting sloppy. He saw sleepiness in Bucky's eyes. "I think it's time we call it a night. You look exhausted." He helped put the cards away. "I don't suppose Morita is going to let you sleep in your bunk tonight. I'd be more than happy to stay here though, if you'd like the company."

Steve had gotten too accustomed to having Bucky in his tent. Sleeping alone was going to take some getting used to. He just hoped he wasn't being too intrusive on his friend when the man was in dire need of rest.

  
  
  
  


Bucky wasn't surprised when Steve called him out on stacking the deck in his favor - he was a clever tactician despite his awkwardness with most people. That and he knew his friend pretty damn well. "I have  _ no idea _ what you mean," Bucky's eyes were bright as he did everything he could not to laugh outright. 

Since he was feeling cheeky he manipulated the game for a while longer, just enough to mess with Steve, then allowed it to go on naturally, without any meddling on his part. He decidedly started losing, and if he was being honest, he wasn't quite feeling up to much anyway. But Steve was there and he didn't want to give him any excuse to leave. Bucky was feeling a little more greedy than usual, and after his brush with death he didn't have the desire to resist it anymore.  

It wasn't long though, before Steve was calling it a night - a little too observant for Bucky's liking. "Mmmph," the sergeant grumbled as he lay back in his cushy pile, refusing to admit his friend was right. When the super soldier mentioned sleeping there, Bucky was certain he felt his heart skip. 

The older man shrugged, reaching his uninjured arm back casually, as if he was stretching, only to grasp at his pillows. Yanking one out from under him he tossed it at Steve, grinning at the blonde's reaction. Bucky grunted at the jostling sending shocks of pain from his bandaged side, but refused to react any more than that. He didn't need Steve worrying anymore than he already did. 

"You can have one of my pillows, buddy. I'd welcome the company, maybe I can use my influence on Jimmy boy. Though, I doubt he'd say no to  _ Captain America _ ."

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve caught the pillow with his face, impressed that the man still had enough strength to throw anything. "Well, if you insist." He went to the nearest bed to Bucky's and plopped the pillow on it before lying down. It wasn't until his head hit the pillow that he realized how tired he was himself. Steve turned to face his friend. "These beds are more comfortable than I expected! I could get used to this."

At that moment, Morita walked in, a concerned look crossing his face as he saw Steve in bed. "Oh God. Not you too! How did you get broken? I thought your bones were made of titanium or something."

Steve sat up with a start, raising his hands in apology, "No, no, I'm fine! I just... Barnes was updating me on his entrance strategy so I figured I'd just stay here tonight. Sorry, I can leave if I'm taking up a bed."

The doctor waved him off as he checked on Bucky's bandages, "Nah, it's fine. We haven't had any other injuries to speak of. You just had me worried for a second there. I know everyone thinks you're invincible, Rogers, but don't you start believing it. I've seen the things that can happen to people who think they can't get hurt," he looked up at Steve, "They get hurt." He started packing up and heading toward the exit, "Thankfully I think this one's going to be alright. Just make sure he doesn't get out of bed! I'll see you guys in the morning. Get some rest."

"Night, Jim." Steve called out to the man as he left. He turned to Bucky, "Heh. Guess I panicked for a second there." he said before an enormous yawn overtook him, "No time for strategizing I guess. We'd better get some sleep."

  
  
  
  


Bucky snorted at Steve's reaction to the beds, shaking his head even as he pointed to the portable stove. "I'm thinking, if it keeps me near a nice stove at night, I just might have to get shot more often," he relaxed back in his pile, though a second later he ended up lifting his arm for Morita to look him over. He choked on a laugh at the doctor's joke, and shut his eyes tightly when the pain hit him, clenching his jaw to keep from whimpering during the examination. 

When it was over he glowered at the asian american, not particularly happy he wasn't allowed to leave the bed. Each time he'd had to use the facilities, nurse Sanders had to make sure he didn't strain his muscles too much, precarious as his situation was. It wasn't the ideal injury. Maybe next time he'd try for the arm instead. 

Bucky snorted at Steve's bashfulness, rolling his bloodshot blue eyes, "Yeah, you really gotta work on that. If I were you I'd be throwing my weight around like you wouldn't believe," he teased, though they both knew he was full of it. He watched as Steve yawned, groaning when it triggered his own. "You sure you're not gonna miss that cramped little tent of ours? It's awfully spacious in here. A guy could get lost."

The sergeant didn't really know how to react to all of it... Usually he was the one taking care of everyone and everything, it just didn't feel right being the one needing the care. And for Steve to be the one caring for him when it had always been the other way around... it was just disorienting. At the same time, Steve had always wanted to be seen as independent, irritated by his all too common sicknesses and small stature. Now he was the picture of health, the one others turned to when they couldn't handle things themselves. It warmed Bucky's heart seeing him shine in the role he'd always wanted. Even if the older man did feel out of sorts over it. 

Sobering a bit he met their gazes in the darkened room, one dim lantern all that was left on for the night, his voice soft and sincere as he spoke to his best friend, "Thanks, Steve."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I don't know. I'm starting to think we should ask for larger accommodations," Steve said as he got himself comfortable in bed, "I'm sure Howard could whip something up for us." He knew it was a sore spot that he'd embarrassed Bucky in front of the inventor, but he was starting to have fun with it. He felt himself drifting off as he heard his friend thank him. "Don't mention it, buddy."

~~~

In the morning, Steve found that Bucky was of course already awake, though less active than usual. "Morning, Buck," He sat up and looked at his friend. The poor man looked miserable. It must have been killing him that he couldn't get up and do anything. "How's your shoulder feeling? Can I get you anything?" He wanted so badly to take care of the brunette, but he felt helpless. "I don't want to keep everyone waiting. I'll come see you before we head out." Steve picked up the pieces of the uniform he had hastily thrown around the room the day before, still stained with his friend's blood, and got dressed as fast as possible.

It was painful to see Bucky in such a state. Steve found himself flashing back to the bed-ridden Bucky of their youth. Though this was not quite the same as just leaving him to go to school. He was dreadfully aware now that he was one bullet away from not making it back to see his friend. It made him hyper-vigilant and drove him to get this mission done safely.

"Come on, Rogers! We're shippin' out!" Dugan called out to Steve as soon as he'd exited the med tent. He knew he should have grabbed his alarm clock. At least he hadn't missed the entire mission. He hurriedly ran back to Bucky's bedside, "Crap! I gotta go. You let Nurse Sanders know if you need anything. I'll... I'll be back soon, Buck. I promise." He felt a twinge of pain in his chest as he left the tent and ran off to join the convoy.

~~~

As he sat in the back of one of the trucks, trying to wipe off his uniform that he hadn't had time to wash, it finally began to hit Steve how he was in uncharted territory. In every fight up until then he'd always had Bucky with him. And it was an understatement to say the brunette had saved him from death a few times. As though sensing his fear, Dugan came up, sat down beside him and put an arm around his shoulder. "I know what you're thinkin'. We're all doomed without Barnes watchin' our tail. Well, that may be true. But I ain't goin' down without a fight!" The sergeant laughed, "I'm just messin' with ya, pal. We'll be fine. Hell, we wouldn't even be here now if you hadn't saved our asses!"

Steve returned a nervous laugh. It was reassuring that they felt so confident in themselves and in him. He just hoped he could deliver when the time came. "I'll do my best. I'm counting on you guys."

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

 

The convoy arrived at the nearest Hydra base the next day. Steve soon came to find that he'd been worried about nothing. They took out the soldiers as easily as ever. A small band of soldiers stayed to hold the line while the rest of the men returned to base camp. It was late the following night when they finally arrived. Steve hopped off the truck and started making a beeline for the med tent. He was so excited to see Bucky that he almost didn't notice the man was already standing there waiting for him.

The super soldier tried to act nonchalant as though he hadn't just been hurrying like a fool to check on his friend, "Oh hey, Bucky! I see you're up and about. How's the shoulder treating you?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


The last place he wanted to be was confined to a bed. It had been eating at him since the second Morita had told him he wasn't allowed to move. Nurse Sanders started to think he was hitting on her because he kept inventing reasons to get out of bed, and had to convince her to help him up every time. Luckily she couldn't fathom the real reason... the memories of Zola's lab, being strapped to that bed, and the horrors that followed. 

Startling awake the next morning he really needed to move, and waved Sanders over to get him up. He tried to keep a friendly face despite the panic thrumming through his chest, his anxiety making it hard to breathe.She helped him to the door where he sat and took in the cool air, even though she was worried it would aggravate his lungs. "Then I'm in the right place," he croaked teasingly, with a lazy wink. After all if he was going to collapse again, at least he was near the doctors. 

She was kind enough to allow him to sit alone, giving him the time he needed to calm himself, looking back at Steve's peaceful slumbering face every now and then. The man's mouth was slightly ajar and he could hear the soft breaths, focusing on his tranquil friend as he worked to relax. When his shaking finally died down he agreed to get back in bed, and Morita carefully looked him over, changing his bandages and leaving him another stack of crosswords. 

Bucky signed  _ 'thank you'  _ to him, making the asian american smile. Early on they'd bonded over their love of languages, and Jim had been teaching him the rare ones for fun in their off time. The doctor was delighted by how quickly he picked them up, and would occasionally spring a phrase or two on him to test his comprehension. Morita ecstatically responded and then told him he was going to breakfast, informing him he was bringing back food for him and Steve. Smiling and giving a nod Bucky picked up another puzzle, immediately diving into it to distract himself. 

Not long after that Steve stirred, and the brunette smiled to himself, setting his papers to the side. ' _ Good morning, sleepy head,'  _ he signed before catching himself, "Good morning, sleepy head." Laughing cautiously he cleared his painfully scratchy throat, running a hand over his bandages, "Still hurts like hellfire, but hey, better get used to it right?" he joked, voice hoarse, then answered the next rapid-fire question, "No, Jimmy just left to grab us some grub. If you've got time for that sort of thing. It's the most important meal of the day," he rasped with a roll of his eyes, remembering the hundreds of times he'd heard that while trying to sneak out of the house without eating. 

As Steve rushed to get ready Bucky waved him off, dejectedly sitting back, "Sounds like you slept through the morning briefing," he smirked, "Or Dummy's just messing with you. Quit worryin' about me, I've already got a nurse, remember?" It was just too easy to poke fun at the younger man. "Go on, save the world. I'll still be here when you get back. Just make sure you eat something!" he yelled after his friend as he hurried off. 

When his food arrived he ate lethargically, not at all interested in anything besides the lack of his team by his side. His chest felt hollow, and it was difficult to concentrate on his puzzles. He forced himself to sleep off and on, enjoying the feeling he got when he awoke and more time had ticked by. Steve would be okay, he had to believe it. He wasn't that scrawny kid that needed saving anymore - he had the brawn to back up that abrasive streak now. till, it made Bucky itch to have to sit out a mission. He already felt so worthless.   
  


He'd lost track of the hours, the days... When he heard the trucks approaching he was ready, standing on his own though Sanders reached out to grab him if he fell. He'd been moving around on his own for half a day, careful not to jar his arm. They'd put it in a sling to keep him from moving too much, but he insisted on being allowed to walk. 

Bucky watched as Steve tried to reign in his excitement, his steps stuttering as he attempted to look less like a kid running towards free icecream and more like a hero returning from a glorious battle. As if Bucky couldn't read him like a book. Choking on a laugh he was pleased when he didn't irritate his wounds, eyes bright as he made an effort not to be too obvious himself. He knew their elation was for different reasons, but it still warmed his heart to have Steve back in one piece. God, but he wanted to kiss him. 

Sobered by the twisting sensation around his heart his smile faltered a bit, and he was glad it could be blamed on his injury. He didn't need anymore questions about his emotional state. Especially when he didn't know what the hell was going on himself. 

"Like an unwanted step-child," Bucky quipped, eyes tired, mindful to keep his lips curled in a semblance of a smile.  _ At least keep it friendly, it's not his fault you're a mess of a human being.  _ But holy hell, was he feeling needy. The time apart, the uselessness, the brush with death, the fact that Carter was due to arrive anytime... And their last kiss had been a disaster. Steve hadn't been too keen on touching him since, though there hadn't been much time for it anyway. He could just tell their chemistry was off. He'd not felt so motivated to rectify something since his friend had saved him from that fucking nightmare of a camp. 

"What about you? I hate to admit it, but it looks like you excelled without me after all. Not that I would want you to fail, I mean - oh hell, c'mere," Looking Steve up and down he reached out to pull him close with his good arm, genuinely welcoming his pal back, but taking the opportunity to rest his lips tantalizingly against the skin of the big man's neck. To hell with chaste intentions. Heart thundering in his aching chest he took the chance, his good hand sliding over to cup Steve's nape, "Unless you've got a debriefing to get to, what do you say to letting a good buddy welcome you back properly?"

  
  
  
  
  


"We did all right. To be honest I don't think Hydra put much effort into defending this place. They may have had more lasers, but a weapon's only as good as the soldier who wields it." Steve was embellishing a little to spare Bucky's feelings, but he was starting to wonder if Shmidt was getting scared. They would have to be careful not to let their guards down even though things were swinging in their favor.

The super soldier welcomed the embrace from his friend. He was so glad to see Bucky getting better. Steve squeezed him as tightly as he could, never wanting to let him go. "Of course! What did you have in mind?" He accepted the brunette's request before he even realized the tingling sensation on his neck. It was so relaxing and welcome that he didn't think twice about it. Then he felt a flash of realization and a twinge of excitement.

"Well, uh, I don't know about you, but I think I'm about ready to hit the hay." Steve was trying to act casual while being suggestive to Bucky but he wasn't sure if he was pulling it off. "Is Nurse Sanders letting you leave her care yet? I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you spent a night in our bunk, for old times' sake."

Steve was definitely out of practice. He couldn't say how long it had been since they'd shared a bed together. He only hoped Bucky wouldn't judge him too harshly if he did anything wrong.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bucky felt a thrill of elation when Steve returned his embrace, having not allowed himself to relax with his friend like that in weeks. He'd been so on edge with the camera crew around, the lingering fears of what was wrong with him since Zola's lab, and the pressure they were under to not let the world fall to pieces around them. It made things a little tense. 

Bucky hadn't felt quite right in the head since his liberation from the Hydra camp. It was nothing too serious, he could still function but... sometimes he froze up. Sometimes he couldn't help but flinch at a simple sound or he'd struggle to get comfortable laying prone in a bed. His hands still held a rifle proper like but his mind could get fuzzy, and he knew if he wasn't careful he'd lose himself to it. 

It amused him to note the moment Steve realized what he was offering, the expression on his friend's face definitely one for the memory box. He wondered briefly where it was, wishing he'd had a photo, but then he couldn't be bothered to care as Steve's awkwardness threatened to dismantle the mood entirely. Stifling a snort of laughter he bit his own lips, eyes bright with mischief. Damn, but Steve was adorable when he tried to act nonchalant. 

Clearing his throat the sergeant nodded, half mimicking a serious face himself, "Oh, yeah, gotta rest up after all this... been a long week," he agreed, then glanced back into the tent where Nurse Sanders was handing out aspirin. "I'm good. They say it's a remarkable recovery, and I should be ready to jump back in in a week or so. 'Til then I'm free to roam, I'm out of the woods I guess." 

Bucky didn't want to admit it but Steve accepting his invitation had taken a lot of weight off his overburdened shoulders. He'd worried that their less-than-comfortable conversation had damaged their complicated relationship - the casualness of their physical affections had always brought him a lot of comfort, even if he tortured himself about his feelings for Steve most of the time. It was just a fact of their lives he'd come to terms with, one that he understood was atypical and would have to evolve in some fashion or another. It wasn't like an upstanding guy like Steve was gonna be messing around with him when he finally went after Peggy. Or maybe he would, but Bucky didn't want to think about that right then. All he wanted was to get Steve alone and show him just how happy he was that they were both still alive. 

"Tell me all about your run, nothing crazy happened?" he pushed, starting the trek to their tent after gesturing to Sanders. Morita shook his head but waved him off as he arrived at the med tent, checking in with his staff. Bucky adjusted the sling on his arm gingerly, not wanting to jar it too badly before he got to the good stuff. He wasn't gonna let it hold him back from allowing himself this. 

The sergeant smiled at Dugan as they passed, shaking his head when the other man held up a bottle of whiskey, intrigued but not at all ready for it. The Irishman shrugged and grinned as he ducked back into the mess tent, where Bucky could already hear Stark cheering. Somewhat glad he missed that impending disaster he bumped into Steve with his safe shoulder, letting him know he wasn't tempted, "It's not that kind of night. I'm eager to catch up, it's been too long," he assured his friend with a suggestive smirk and what he hoped were smouldering eyes. He was feeling bold. Maybe it was the repetitive brushes with death. 

Finding their tent he brazenly grabbed Steve by the front of his uniform, tugging him in after himself as he stepped into the relative darkness. In the shadows he pressed his mouth to Steve's hungrily, pretending nothing past this moment together mattered. Tilting his head he pulled Steve down with his good hand, cupping the back of his head, running his palm along the strap that held his mask on. Unbuckling it Bucky tossed it in the direction of his cot, moving to the leather harness encompassing his friend's chest. He teasingly dragged his fingertips over the cushy fabric, unclipping the belts to drop them away as well.

Breaking their kiss he panted, licking his lips as he slipped his sling over his head, "One night's not gonna kill me," he muttered, adding it to the growing pile in his bedding. The only light in the small space was from the sliver of moon outside, and he wasn't gonna miss a second of this glorious event. "I wanna see you," his voice was low and full of intent, and he pointedly brushed his hand over Steve's awakening erection on his way to their lantern. He gave them just enough illumination to get by, and yanked their tent flap shut, sealing it for the night. 

Careful to hide his discomfort he stole a kiss to distract the taller man as he helped him out of his clothes and onto his cot, marveling at how scorching his skin was, even in the dead of winter. "Holy hell you're a furnace," he spoke in wonder, dropping to his knees. He nibbled at Steve's neck, his heart fluttering wildly, head swimming from the overload of stimulation. It'd been far far too long.

The man was beautiful, achingly so, and Bucky couldn't help but admire him as he settled on the floor. Running greedy hands down the broad chest he let his ravenous mouth trail over the bared flesh, teeth teasing at a nipple as he made his way down. He wasn't in any mood to rush, but he felt a sense of urgency he couldn't contain. 

"Welcome back, Steve," he gave his best friend a lopsided grin as he gazed up at him through his lashes, a single breath before taking Steve's weeping cock into his hot, wet mouth. Bucky gave it a few good pulls, tongue paying close attention to the head as he prepared to swallow him whole. He let the butter soft skin play over his full lips, gently teasing both himself and Steve before taking him deep. He hummed his appreciation of the sensation, the intimacy, toes curling in his boots. As much as he was enjoying himself, he could only hope Steve was still onboard. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve walked happily through the camp with Bucky. He didn't care how foolishly he was grinning, he was glad to be back with his friend. "Nothing too crazy. I may have used my shield to take out two soldiers at once, but otherwise fairly uneventful."

He nodded to Dugan as they passed. "Well now I do feel special. Taking priority over drinking with the squad," Steve joked, "But seriously he really helped me get through it. To be honest I was scared not having you with me."

As they entered the tent, Steve found his muttering cut off when suddenly Bucky pulled him in for a kiss. After a moment's hesitation, he relaxed into the familiar motions, returning the kiss and allowing himself to be undressed. The super soldier's body shuddered as he felt the brunette's hand on his manhood. He couldn't remember the last time they'd relieved each other. The sensitivity was overwhelming.

Steve felt Bucky's hands and lips all over his body. It was almost too much to take. "Bucky..." was all he could manage to say. He moved his hands up and down the man's body, careful not to get too close to his wound. He focused on running his hands through the brunette's soft hair as his head moved down lower. Steve's cock was twitching with anticipation, almost exploding instantly as he felt Bucky's lips engulf him.

He felt it through his entire body. This feeling he'd craved for so long but never had the confidence to ask for. As the other man's mouth went deeper, Steve found himself clenching his fists, tugging at Bucky's hair. His hips thrusting involuntarily. It was all he could do to hold back and not ruin this moment so quickly. "Oh my-- Buck... Mmmm, wait! I want to... return the favor."

  
  
  


If Bucky had been worried the jarring contact after so much abstaining would shock Steve into retreat he needn't have worried - the man was positively writhing under his ministrations, long deft fingers threading through his hair so deliciously. Bucky couldn't help but shiver from the thrill of it - finally finding his courage again, forcing himself to face the crushing fear of rejection. It was well worth it just to have Steve touch him again. 

Every bit of his skin felt hypersensitive - moreso than usual - and it might have driven him insane if not for the feverish need for more contact. Bucky had to fight the greedy beast inside him that demanded he suck until Steve fucked his throat raw and screamed his name - to hell with the rest of the camp. It took every ounce of control he had to pull back, lips flushed and swollen from his fervent attention to his lover. Catching his breath he simply enjoyed the sensation of Steve caressing his hair for a few seconds, eyes fluttering shut in bliss before he found the capacity to smile, resting his cheek against a thick quivering thigh. 

Heart stuttering from Steve's words, Bucky wondered if he'd be able to stand, his legs feeling weak from the sudden attention. He'd always been able to disconnect himself from the act in the past, make it all about Steve's pleasure, and whatever he received was an afterthought... It'd made it easier to walk away every time. But this felt different, and he didn't know if it was the injury or the fact that Steve wanted to stop and make a point of pleasing him in return...

"Okay," the sergeant agreed after a pause, moving to stand carefully, hesitant hands going to the buttons of his jacket. He hadn't even opened his coat yet. Watching his friend's blushing face he slowly undid the heavy material, feeling terribly exposed under Steve's intently watchful gaze. At the same time it was wondrous, knowing that the super soldier was incredibly aroused and it was all for him. Tough to imagine you were fucking a woman when your best friend's naked manhood was staring you in the face. Ignoring his rising panic at the consideration he dropped his jacket and thermal shirt to his bed, fingertips undoing his trousers as he tried to find the confidence he'd come in with. His dog tags caught the lantern light as he moved, the soft clinking the only sound accompanying their harsh breathing in the small space. For the first time in a long time he was at a loss for words. 

Removing his boots and stepping out of his pants he was finally bare head to toe, his tags and bandages giving him little protection from the chill of the night surrounding them. Bucky barely noticed though, as his nerves had him shifting in place uncertainly for a beat. He didn't want to step on any toes - it was rare for Steve to find his voice during their trysts, save for when he was encouraging the sergeant to take him deeper. "At your service, Captain, Sir," he teased lightly, climbing onto the cot to straddle the bigger man, framing his face with his hands as their bodies slotted together deliciously.

Bucky stole a suckling kiss then, teeth tugging playfully at Steve's pouty bottom lip, finishing it off by giving the top a languid stroke with the tip of his tongue. Whatever happened, he was going to savor every second of it. "Your orders?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve had been looking down at Bucky. The sight of his friend's handsome face lovingly pleasing his member gave him such intense arousal that he had to shut his eyes tight. The invitation to release was so tempting, but he didn't want it to end so quickly.

As he felt a moment of relief from his ecstasy, Steve focused on the other man. He wanted to assist Bucky with the removal of his clothes, but still worried about hurting him. So he simply sat there on the bed, enjoying the view as he watched the brunette reveal more and more of his skin. It never ceased to amaze Steve what a nice body his friend had. He'd always been jealous, growing up as a string bean. It never made sense to him why Bucky would want to fool around with a scrawny guy like him when the older man could get any dame he wanted. He wondered if his new body was more or less appealing to Bucky. Either way it didn't seem to be bothering the sergeant in the least, so Steve tried to put the thought out of his mind.

He loved when the brunette was so playful. It excited him all the more when Bucky played the submissive. Steve felt a drive inside himself to take control. It was strange and new, but he'd been getting more and more used to it. As Bucky teased his lips, the blonde felt a rush through his body. He put his hands on the man's hips, pulling him closer so Steve could kiss him deeply. "Lie down," he said, ordering Bucky as he'd requested.

The super soldier gave Bucky room to lie down on the bed before crawling on top of him on all fours. Steve pressed his lips to Bucky's before slowly making his way down his friend's chest. His hands wandered all over the sergeant's muscular body. As he wrapped one of his large hands around Bucky's stiff cock, he looked up before proceeding. "Is this okay?"

  
  
  
  
  
  


Whenever they did these things, Bucky tried not to pay too much attention to Steve's expression. As much as he wanted to take it all in, memorize every flicker of emotion, he knew that it wasn't him Steve was seeing behind his closed eyelids. The blonde was probably imagining Peggy with him, her bright red lips brushing over his pale skin. Bucky felt his stomach twist in disgust at his own jealousy, and he forced himself to focus only on the man sharing those moments with him so kindly. 

Steve's big hands gripping Bucky's trim hips made the brunette shudder, the kiss causing a pleasing shiver as his skin reacted positively to the stimulation. The older man moaned into the liplock, his own hands sliding down his friend's beautiful neck, gripping at broad shoulders and firm biceps. It was still so odd to feel the change, even after their months of late night comfort, still so new. As strange as it was it didn't bother him, after all it was everything Steve had ever wanted to be. If anything, it made him glad to know his friend had so many dreams come true. Bucky couldn't wait to witness the rest of them unfold. 

"Yessssir," Bucky grinned deviously, biting his bottom lip and giving a gentle roll of his hips before following his orders. He was careful to put his weight on his right arm, turning over to lay back and look up at the bigger man. God, but it was a glorious sight to behold. Steve looming over him always got him harder than he ever thought possible, and the kiss was a bonus. 

With a hum of approval he lifted his head to meet Steve in anticipation of the kiss, nuzzling into his friend's soft hair before he moved away to shower him with affection. It made his heart miss a beat or two whenever he was granted such a gift, and he hoped the low light hid his blush from his super soldier's keen eye. No need to give away just how emotional he got about the whole thing. 

Bucky couldn't help but squirm a bit as he was handled, the stimulation easily driving him wild with very little effort. He did his best not to rest too much on his bandaged side, though the rush of blood was becoming noticeable as he was having trouble breathing. It wasn't anything new though, so he just smiled, feeling lucky as hell that he was still there to enjoy such carnal delights.

_ Fuck _ , the hot palm on his now straining cock was only stoking the growing fire within, causing him to bite at his own lips to keep from getting too loud. "It's a-okay Stevie," he managed after a heavy breath of arousal, a wave of bliss chasing up his prone body, "This is your welcome back, anything you want, pal... as long as you don't leave a guy hangin'."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Steve smiled back. It gave him an immense feeling of satisfaction whenever he made Bucky happy. As long as the other man was enjoying himself, then he felt could quiet his own fears for a minute. 

"I wouldn't dream of it," Steve said as he slowly began running his tongue up and down Bucky's shaft. He loved to make the man squirm in agony with a simple flick in the right spot. It had been a while, but the blonde still remembered the tricks he had learned when they were younger. He gripped the base of the prominent member with one hand, while his other hand crept up his friend's torso, feeling up every inch of his abdominal muscles as he started taking all of Bucky into his mouth.

His hand on the sergeant's chest could feel every shudder as he hit the most sensitive spots of Bucky's cock. It was all the feedback Steve needed. He managed to divide his focus between what his mouth and his hand were doing, and he continued up until he could feel Bucky's soft lips. He grazed them briefly before slipping a finger inside. It gave him so much pleasure to have Bucky's desires at his fingertips.

The brunette seemed to be enjoying himself as Steve removed his hand, dragging it down to claw across the man's chest. He stopped his sucking before taking things too far, and raised himself so he was closer to Bucky's face. "How was that?" he asked as if he didn't already know, "I want to... do more, if you're feeling up to it, of course."

  
  
  
  


"Stevie, you don't gotta -" Bucky's gentle words dissolved into a moan when Steve's tongue met his flesh, the slick glide along his rigid skin feeling far too sweet to ignore. Toes curling into the rough wool blanket beneath him, the sergeant clutched at the material almost desperately, one hand sliding into the blonde's close clipped locks as he attempted not to lift his hips. 

Most coherent thought flew right out the door as Steve began to engulf him, chasing away a lot of his lingering reservations about their sexual dynamic. Jesus, there wasn't an ounce of hesitation in that eager mouth... but then Steve never really hesitated in anything he'd set his mind to. When his friend's hand started creeping up his chest the older man bit his lip to keep from whimpering, his right hand lightly cupping Steve's wrist. He simply followed the motion, encouraging it, though it felt like a dream to have so much consideration given to him. Maybe Steve was just as shaken by his near loss. 

Thick digits teased along the edge of his full panting lips, and he dipped his chin to capture them, actively rubbing the delicate organs over his friend's fingertips. He'd personally seen those hands kill dozens of Nazis with extreme force, he knew exactly what kind of damage they were capable of - and to have them so tenderly showing him affection - well it aroused him greatly. 

A second later he was arching into the rough palm as it traveled heavily down his sweat slick chest, his body on overload from all the simultaneous stimulation. In a blink Steve was eye to eye with him, and he  could only grin, taking a moment to gather his wits back after the man above him had nearly sucked his brain out right through his now throbbing cock. 

"You... you even have to ask?" Bucky poked fun at his much bigger friend even then, sprawled out naked and bandaged in his messy cot, blankets being yanked from tightly tucked corners. He probably looked quite ridiculous. It didn't matter though, and he reached up to frame Steve's handsome face with his shaking hands, lifting his chin to meet their lips. 

Nipping and suckling at the younger man's lovely curved lips he teased out his tongue, matching its boldness with his own, his heart stuttering from the thrill of their closeness. No one had ever made him feel so alive. Breaking apart he shivered and panted for air, eyes full of devious delight, "Yeah... why not? Show me how much you missed me, hm?"

  
  
  
  
  


Steve leaned into the kiss, his whole body tingling, anticipating more pleasure. Bucky's wish was his command, as without hesitation he spat in his own hand before slicking himself up. He raised the brunette's legs to provide for smoother entry, then began to insert himself slowly, holding eye contact with Bucky to make sure the man was doing alright.

The sensation flooded through Steve like a tidal wave. "Oh, God..." He'd forgotten how amazing it felt to be this intimate with Bucky. One of the best things about their nights together was that he was finally able to forget everything that worried him, and just live in this moment with his best friend. Nothing else mattered except the pleasure they could give to each other.

As Steve continued to thrust in and out of Bucky, he reached his still wet hand down to the sergeant's cock and began to stroke it in tempo with their hips. The brunette was so skilled at responding that the bliss was becoming too much to take. "God, Bucky, I can't hold on much longer." The super soldier rubbed his friend more vigorously, wanting him to experience the same euphoria that Steve was so very close to achieving.

  
  
  
  
  


When Bucky realized what Steve wanted he had to force himself not to tense up. Anticipation of that moment was always his downfall. It hurt like a bitch no matter what Steve did to ease it, but if the sergeant was careful he could make it a lot easier on himself. Biting his lip as he was positioned, he took a steadying breath, trying to keep the apprehension out of his eyes. 

Bucky knew that if Steve had any idea how much it stung, he'd never do it again. And as much as the initial intrusion was a painful shock, what came after was well worth it. Even so, he'd decided after a particularly smarting tryst, that more consideration was in order and asked Morita for something slick. The doctor had raised his eyebrows but probably thought he just wanted it for personal use. "Lemme help you there, pal," Bucky reached over and grabbed the small bottle, coating his fingers before giving Steve a generous stroke. 

Holding Steve's gaze he helped guide the super soldier, then wrapped his arms around him as their bodies joined together. He couldn't help but close his eyes as the initial sting still hit him, and he hissed as he adjusted to the irritation. Steve's reaction to being inside him was gratifying though, and he smiled despite himself. "Oh yeah?" he teased gently, nuzzling noses with the man above him. Steve had a tendency to take things too seriously sometimes, and Bucky needed to keep it light. 

The few experiences he'd had with women informed his choices in their night activities, and he wanted Steve to enjoy himself as much as possible in their current situation. He remembered what it had been like, what had really gotten him going. He also discovered that he didn't like anything as much as he liked opening his legs for Steve. His best friend knew just how to touch him to make him lose himself in the sweetest ways. They were a damn good fit. If only Steve could see that. 

Pushing his misplaced bitterness away he decided to focus on his friend, show him how much he loved him since he couldn't ever say it. So he got to work, tilting his hips to give the big man more depth, angling them to give them both the most delightful sensations. Fuck but did it ever get hard to concentrate then. Maybe he'd been too hasty or too greedy, but all of a sudden he was lost to the movements, eagerly pushing into Steve's thrusts, moaning despite his best efforts. 

Bucky felt a twinge of worry then, cause even if the canvas tent did a pretty good job of muffling sound, it didn't catch everything. If anyone was walking by in that moment they were getting an earful. It didn't matter though, he couldn't make himself care as Steve found the one spot that could really make him see stars. "Stevie... _ shit _ Stevie that's good..." he turned his head to ask for a kiss, quickly spiraling towards his completion, and hoping to bring his best friend along with him. 

'C'mere god damn it," he cursed, guiding Steve's face to his own, drawing him into a deep, ravenous tangle of lips as he tumbled over the edge. He'd wanted to make it last, but it'd been far too long and at that point he was too far gone to change it.

  
  
  
  
  


Steve kept pushing as their bodies writhed together, feeling so close to the edge and trying as hard as he could to get there, until finally his orgasm came hard. He felt Bucky's member explode in his hand and continued to stroke it as he thrust his hips, trying to keep them both in that moment of ecstasy for as long as possible.

When they were finally spent, Steve removed himself and collapsed next to the brunette. He found himself panting. No matter how much physical training he did each day, nothing compared to the intensity of a night with Bucky. "Wow. Consider me welcomed! I could get used to this." He hoped he wasn't making things awkward, but he had to say something. He wished he knew how to express his appreciation for everything that Bucky did for him, especially since the sergeant was still willing to fool around with him. Returning the pleasure was the least Steve could do.

He put an arm around Bucky's chest and held him close. Steve didn't care if he was being too clingy. He was just so happy to finally have his Bucky back. "I hope I didn't hurt you. I need you back in shape before we head out again. We need you."

  
  
  
  
  
  


As good as his release had felt, Bucky's injury was not having it. The tightness in his side stung fiercely, and he hoped he hadn't reopened the wound. He just breathed for a bit, focusing on one breath at a time, listening as Steve rambled. He didn't feel too much pain, and it began to dull as the seconds ticked by. It helped if he didn't move.

Even so, as much pain as he was in, he'd never tell Steve about it... not if he wanted their nightly exercise to continue. He held still as Steve shifted his weight, finally resting beside him. Bucky winced, scooting over a bit to better accommodate their large bodies on the small cot. He was messy, and tired, and frankly he hurt all over. Sleeping in the med bed had been nice at first, but not being used to it he'd gotten sore pretty quickly. But Steve was being sweet, and none of it was really his fault. Pushing aside his moodiness Bucky smiled, reaching up with his good hand to catch a drop of Steve's sweat with his thumb, gently caressing his temple. 

"I'm fine Steve, quit your worryin'. What's a little grab-ass between friends?" the sergeant brushed off the comments, secretly reveling in the arm slung over his naked chest. He hated the way his stomach flipped when the words,  _ 'I need you'  _ fell from his friend's lips. After years of Steve insisting he didn't need him or anyone else, it was pure heaven on earth to have it grace his ears. 

"And don't you forget it," Bucky gave his friend a smouldering look, half desire, half mock threatening... he was sure he managed to pull it off, if Steve's expression was anything to go by... "But it goes two ways Steve. Tough as I am, you're..."  _ shit shit shit, do not finish that sentence that way you god damned idiot _ ... "My best friend. When you get reckless I get reckless. So try to tone down the heroics a little huh? We can't all be super men."

  
  
  
  


Steve knew Bucky was right. As satisfying as it was to go in all guns blazing, it was a good way to get people killed. He remembered what Morita had said, and the reasons why Dr. Erskine had chosen him. It would be easy for this much strength to corrupt even the best of men, so Steve had to constantly remind himself where he came from, and the dangers of becoming too powerful. Bucky was good for that. Just looking at his friend's face made him feel like they were kids again, trying their best to make sense of the world. Steve felt lucky to be surrounded by good people who could keep him grounded in reality.

"Sorry, I tend to get a little ahead of myself." It was a good motivator to keep thinking about the future beyond the war, but Steve realized he was getting impatient and acting a little too hastily. "I'll follow your lead, Buck. Just tell me where to throw my shield."

Steve finally picked up on Bucky's shuffling and grunting and realized how squished together they were. "Heh. Guess I'd better let you have your bed tonight. I'm not helping you to heal any faster." He sat up and tried to get out of the bed without jostling the brunette too much. He scrounged around the tent until he found a couple of towels, handing one to Bucky. "Well I'm just about beat. You need anything else before I call it a night?"   
  
  
  


"Oh I dunno, you're pretty good at spotting targets," Bucky smiled sweetly as he did his best to relax, ignoring much of the dull aches and pains now resurfacing as his orgasm wore off. "Just.. keep your head up. I can't always be there to jump in," he laughed at a few of the memories that surfaced as he spoke, shaking his head, "I know you always hated me playin' hero but now that it's your turn just don't let it go to your head. I know how hard it can be." The sergeant grinned and gently knocked at Steve's temple like it was made of wood. 

Apparently he was being too obvious with his pain, as Steve pulled away, taking his warmth with him. Pouting about it Bucky accepted the towel but still reached out his good hand, waving it when Steve didn't immediately grab it. "I know you're good at giving a guy a hand, don't leave me hangin' now," he snarked playfully, careful with himself as he used Steve's leverage to stand up. 

With a sigh he began wiping himself down, amazed at how casual they could be having such a complicated thing between them. It helped when they never talked about it. "You bet I'm usin' my bed. Yours is like a god damned rock. Ever think of snazzin' it up? What am I saying. Sorry, I forgot who I'm talkin' to, maybe it's the bloodloss," Bucky chuckled softly, sorting through the pile of discarded uniforms on his thin mattress, setting Steve's items on the trunk at the end of his cot. 

Brushing his clothes down he slipped them onto a hanger, putting it up for the night. "Glad things are so lax around here. When I had to do bed checks I felt like a crummy house mum, catching all the kids breakin' the rules," he looked his bandages over as he mumbled, remembering the guys he'd caught with nurses, drugs, other men. It got old knowing everyone's secrets and having them follow him around. He was glad to be rid of the responsibility. 

Wincing a bit as he poked the tender area he silently reminded himself to take it easy for a couple days, or he wouldn't be getting any better. He liked to think this tumble in the hay had gotten his anxieties about Steve out of his system, but he knew there wasn't anything that could ever rid him of that particular nugget of joy. "You and me both pal," he answered his friend's call for sleep. though he knew he wasn't likely to get a wink. 

Bucky took his time sliding into his coarse bedding, loathe to inflame his injury and add that to the reasons he wouldn't be catching any shut-eye.  _ Just a little piece of mind _ , his mocking inner voice answered the super soldier, but outwardly he just gave him a tight-lipped smile and teased him, "Aw, you gonna fluff my pillow and tuck me in, Nurse Stevie?"

  
  
  
  


As Steve was getting comfortable in his bed, he shot a wry smile at Bucky. "Hey, I don't know what you heard about me but I'm not that kind of nurse! You can fluff your own pillows, mister!" He threw his pillow playfully at his bunkmate. It made Steve happy when they could put aside their worries and fool around. "I am gonna need that back, though."

  
  
  
  
  


Bucky grinned at Steve's playfulness, eyebrows shooting up in surprise when he was denied. 

"Oh yeah? My ass says differently," he joked crassly, and after catching the lobbed item with his good arm he stuck out his tongue for the insult, "Tough luck buddy. I got shot remember? Think of it as payment for your atrocious bedside manner, punk."

 


	9. Chapter 9

 

Morning rolled around and Steve felt well-rested. It had been a long day of traveling followed by a vigorous evening which left him so relaxed that he slept like a rock. He considered it a good sign that Bucky wasn't in bed. He figured it meant he was well enough to be back into his old routines. Steve got dressed and went out to find him to see what the man was up to.

His first instinct proved correct, as he found Bucky in the med tent getting poked and prodded by Morita. "How's our sniper holding up, Jim?" The doctor seemed in good spirits about Bucky's recovery, so Steve felt reassured. "Dernier was asking me to help him rig something up so I said I'd help him out today. Not sure why he'd ask me, but it might give me a chance to brush up on my French. What have you got planned?"

  
  
  


Morita was cheerfully taking notes, having just changed Bucky's bandages and checked him for signs of disease."Fantastic actually. One might say freakish. A couple more days and he should be good."

"I feel fine, I can go _now_ ." The sergeant insisted. Morita gave Bucky a cynical look, and poked him hard in the side with his pencil. The shock of pain was startling, and the injured man barely caught the yelp that tried to escape in reaction. Instead it came out more as a muffled growl. The vindicated doctor gave him an _'I told you so'_ glance and sing-songed flippantly,

"Ohhh, I don't think so." Bucky gave him a glare for good measure,

"Sadist."

"Just don't tell my mother," Jim shot back airily, tone light and whimsical as he walked away to tend to the rest of his duties. "Two~days!"

Sighing heavily Bucky sullenly watched the shorter man stride away impishly, and shook his head. "What a peice of work," he couldn't help but laugh as he said it, having finally caught his breath. With a half-shrug he made a non committal sound, "Me? I got nothin'. Cleanin' my rifle, sharpenin' my knives. Everybody else is windin' down, I'm all wound up,"

He didn't want to admit how lonely it had been without the guys there, how it had left the door wide open for his crushing self doubts and rampaging guilt. Summoning up a smile he met Steve's gorgeous eyes, appreciating his beauty for a selfish heartbeat before continuing, "It's fine though. I got plenty of catching up to do so I'm set when we're sent out next. Maybe I'll go see Howie."

Bucky could tell Steve was hesitant to leave him so he jumped off the bed, clapping a hand on his rock solid shoulder to force him to relax, "Hey, don't worry about me, I'm good. You've got a lot on your plate and daylight's burning. Get a move on, I'll catch you in the mess tent for supper."

~~~

Bucky readjusted his left arm gingerly as he reclined in his mess chair, the bandages a little too tight for his liking. It'd been a few days since he'd played hero and jumped in front of the bullet that was meant for Steve, but it still felt tender, like it had just happened. Might have something to do with the previous night's activities...Or maybe Morita's literally making a point. Other guys in the camp shook his hand and gazed at him as if he'd accomplished some great feat, rather than just stepping into a slug that probably wouldn't have put a dent in Steve.

Bucky had spent the day with Howard, rapturously listening to his science ramblings as he maintained his weapons. The sergeant found it endlessly fascinating, and Howard liked to talk. It worked out great for both of them. He eventually had to leave for a meeting, so Bucky took his leave, storing his gear before heading to the mess tent.

It'd been a good chunk of time, Steve was still out, probly engrossed going over some crazy idea he had for the war effort, strategizing like he did. Bucky was ever impressed by the blonde's creative talents. The sergeant had a soft smile lingering on his face when he was joined at the table by the absolute last person he was expecting.

"You're rather chipper for a man that has a habit of flirting with death, though I suppose I'd be smiling too if I'd saved Captain America," Peggy Carter stood beside him calmly, cool as ever, he could practically feel the icy chill wafting off of her. Bucky sat back in his seat, attempting to quell his instictual hostilities. "Might I join you, sergeant?"

Bucky stood then, offering her a chair, if a little reluctantly. "You bet." He reclaimed his spot as she settled, taking a deep yet discreet breath as he braced himself for the emotional onslaught. "Has it been a week already?"

"Moved it up when we'd heard you'd been shot."

"Aw, I'm touched."

"It is still bothering you?" She seemed genuinely curious, and he didn't have it in him to be glib.

"It's gonna hurt for a while. Not the first time I've been shot," he informed her a tad coldly, immediately regretting it. He had no right to be mad, she just recognized Steve was a good guy and wanted to be close to him. Could he really blame her? He'd been brazenly playing in that forbidden pool just the night before. The memory got him a little hot under the collar.

"Of course, I read your file," she fired back, reminding him where they stood in terms of military status. He cleared his throat, shifting awkwardly in his seat, clenching his jaw as he felt his hackles rising. He'd have to reign it in if he didn't want a formal reprimand in his file too.

"Steve's alright, that's all that matters," Bucky revealed as he absently picked at the table, averting his eyes since her presence was reminding him where they stood in the world as well. She might be a woman, but he was a fruit. On the ladder of life, she had a few rungs on him. Carter was silent.

When he eventually met her dark eyes she seemed contemplative, and he tried to convey his humiliated apology without having to voice it. "You've known each other for quite some time," she spoke surely, scanning his face for some kind of clue as to how he was feeling. Bucky sighed a laugh at her choice of words, scratching behind his ear with his good hand as he was tempted to answer her flippantly, _'Biblically'._

"Forever," he confirmed lightly, his tone finally changing. It took some effort, but he was determined to give her a chance. Steve liked her after all. "He's... family," Bucky felt terribly off balance trying to describe his history with Steve to someone like her... Someone he didn't yet consider a friend. Family wasn't even close. But it was all he was gonna give her.

"I see, that explains his reaction to your 'missing' status," Carter thought aloud, but the look on her expertly painted face got him curious, and after biting his lip he prodded her about it,

"He was just lookin' out for all of us, it's just the kind of guy he is," Bucky shrugged, wincing a moment later. He'd forgotten again. Exhaling harshly through his nose he bore the pain, relaxing slightly when it passed.

Carter offered him a glass, seemingly of beer. He accepted it with a tip of the rim to her before taking a gulp. God damn it, it was like talking to his dad. She gave a 'hmph' of amusement at his reply, clucking her tongue, "The man defied direct orders to stand down, jumped out of a plane, marched through enemy territory with stolen equipment, no combat experience, having no clue what he'd find, on the off chance that you were still alive..." she argued pointedly yet gently, and he snorted a laugh as he swallowed another mouthful of the bitter beverage.

"He's so dramatic," they exclaimed in unison, and just like that the tension was broken. Bursting into fits of giggles and stifled laughter they took a full minute to calm, but Bucky was the first to recover, shaking his head,

"You have no idea, he's always been like that. I dunno where he gets it from," Bucky seemed mildly exasperated, and Carter leaned in on the table as though they were conspiring.

"But surely there must be something, I mean, it's so..."

"Hollywood?"

"Yes!" She seemed delighted, and her infectious cheer had Bucky feeling emboldened to share more.

"We've seen every Flash Gordon there is, it doesn't get more dramatic than that," he laughed, and her eyes sparkled with glee as she filed that information away.

"That... explains quite a lot actually. I often catch him monopolizing a mirror..."

Bucky nearly spit out his drink, "He doesn't even need one, I swear, I catch him posing heroically when he thinks no one's looking."

They devolved into snickers once more, drawing looks from Gabe and Monty on the other side of the tent, but luckily the pair seemed to think he was fixing up a date as they didn't invite themselves over like usual.

They kept it up for quite a while, Bucky's eyes glazing over as he retold a particularly amusing story, his expression causing Carter's face to sober a bit. In her countenance he saw something akin to recognition, but wasn't about to pry. When their ensuing laughter finally died down, she caught her breath and stated sincerely,

"Steve is... very fortunate, to have a friend like you, James."

Bucky winced a bit at the name, lips going tight, but he didn't correct her. He felt he needed to keep some walls up. After all, he was losing the love of his life to this woman. Smiling ruefully he busied himself with his drink, unable to come up with a response that wasn't sappy as all hell.

Lucky for him, Steve chose that moment to arrive. Saving him, even when it wasn't intentional.

_Heroic ass._

  
  


Steve looked up and down the wounded soldier, checking for any imperfections, any reason to worry. Bucky calmed him down by insisting he was okay, and that was enough for Steve to relax a bit. "Alright, just, take it easy today. And come find me... or find a doctor if anything starts hurting, okay?" It took some forcing of his own will to leave Bucky alone, but he finally left with a quick salute to his friend.

He'd barely managed to scrounge up a cup of coffee when Steve heard Dernier calling for him from behind. The super soldier turned around to see the man waving him over. Steve walked over, carefully sipping his coffee as he went, so he could enjoy it while it was still hot. "Bonjour, capitaine!" The explosives expert stood by several tables covered in scraps, much of it had the Hydra logo and looked similar to their laser weapons. "We found all zis crap on ze last mission! I figure, 'oo better to assist me in making somesing out of it zen ze famous Capitaine Amérique!"

Steve sipped his coffee faster, trying desperately to be awake enough to make sense of what was going on. "Ah, I'd love to help, Jacques. But I don't know the first thing about putting this stuff together." Dernier waved off his objections and shoved a screwdriver in the blonde's hand before waving parts around and trying to explain in French. Steve was bewildered, but he tried his best to be a helping hand wherever he could.

After a long day of tinkering and translation errors, Steve finally headed out to mess when it was about supper time. When he looked around the tent scanning for Bucky's face, his heart skipped a beat when he saw him sitting next to Peggy Carter of all people. As he approached their table, it suddenly felt as though he'd forgotten how to walk.

Steve made his way to the table in one piece and sat down with the two. "Evening, Barnes, Carter. Wasn't expecting you back so soon." He sensed awkwardness. Carter seemed reserved as usual, and Bucky was being elusive. He worried he'd interrupted something he shouldn't have. "Well Dernier and I managed to cobble something together from his Hydra parts. He seemed really excited about it but he could only explain how it worked in French so I guess I'll just have to trust him on that. What about you guys?" Steve looked into Bucky's eyes. He wasn't prepared to see Peggy that night. He didn't know what to do but he was dying for Bucky to save him. He just hoped it wasn't plastered on his face.

  
  


Bucky had once been told he had tells that shone brighter than the sun, and in that moment he was all too aware of that casually dropped comment. As glad as he was to see Steve, with Peggy there picking his brain he was a little more than terrified that he'd inadvertantly spill something he shouldn't. He'd made up his mind to duck out gracefully and leave Steve with his sweetheart, but when his best friend met his eyes, the look there gave him pause. Grappling between his sense of loyalty and self-preservation, he swallowed his anxieties and hunkered down, awaiting the inevitable embarrassment.

Shoulders too tense to slump in his apprehensiveness, he braced himself for one of the most uncomfortable nights of his life. He might've found a rapport with Carter, but he really wasn't up to watching Steve flirt with someone that was fixing to replace him. Even so, his friend seemingly needed him, and he'd be damned if he ever turned his back on that. So he steeled himself, found a lopsided smile, and leaned back in his chair as if he hadn't a care in the world.

"Steve," he greeted pointedly, noting the distinction of the younger man using his surname. He could scarely remember it on Steve's lips unless he was being introduced. Maybe it was an indication how uncomfortable the blonde was, but it still irked him. If he was being asked to help the love of his life land a lady, some bitterness was gonna be involved.

"We were just having a friendly chat. Nothing so exciting as inventing new weapons to defeat world stomping fascists," Bucky teased, "But a charming diversion."

"Quite," Peggy agreed with a secretive curl of oher lips and a glance at the sergeant. Bucky tried to stifle a snicker behind his hand but failed miserably. Horrified at himself, he scrambled to think of anything other than what they'd been talking about, knowing Steve would be humiliated. It wasn't working. Damn it.

"Next time take Gabe," Bucky finally managed, attmpting to distract Steve and change the course of the conversation. "He and Frenchie have a thing," he waved his hand absently as though looking for a word. "They live in each other's heads. Makes for an easier experience if you're having trouble with your mad scientist French."

Carter seemed to catch on that Bucky was avoiding the subject of their chat, looking between them, apparently giving it some thought and agreeing that it was a good idea not to push it. Clearing her throat she stood, causing Bucky to scrabble to his feet. "It's been lovely, Sergeant Barnes, but I've other matters to attend to."

"Ma'am."

Her gaze fell to Steve then, and she gave him that look reserved for her love interest once their eyes had locked. "Captain Rogers."

Bucky felt his stomach twist and he couldn't help but turn his head away from the stinging sight, jaw tightening in response to the blatant display of attraction. As much as he hated it though, it genuinely thrilled him that Steve had found someone that made him feel that magnetic pull. It still hurt like a bitch.

After what felt like an eternity she continued, but Bucky kept his eyes glued to the ground, fighting with his demons. "I'll be seeing you at the morning meeting. Goodnight." With that she made her exit, and the sergeant finally raised his eyes, sighing discreetly.

"I don't know about you, but I'm starved," Bucky beelined for the food line as the rest of the commandoes wandered in, all noise and good cheer, Dugan barking to the man playing bartender to serve a round to everyone on him. "Even better," he muttered, taking trays for them, complete with a couple shots of liquor, back to his seat.

"Eat. I know how you get. You forgot lunch again, didn't you?" he prodded gently while offering a smile, trying to keep the mood positive even if he didn't quite feel it. Pushing the food towards his friend he took a bite of turkey, glad to have real food while it was available, "Mmph." He indicated the tray, still digging into his own meal with fervor.

Dernier, Gabe, and the others soon relaxed nearby, most indulging in a hot supper as well."They're talking about you, you know," Bucky couldn't contain his smile, Steve was just too adorably oblivious to the desparaging French conversation happening right beside him, "Using some very... ungentlemanly language."

Dernier scoffed at his choice of words, insisting he was in fact using the most gentlemanly lauguage known to man. The sergeant laughed so hard he had to rest his forehead against the table in front of him. Once he caught his breath he bumped Steve's shoulder with his own, "You know, he has a point. Even Dugan can speak French," he indicated their friend who was currently at the makeshift bar, chatting up the relief nurse.

Dernier looked terribly offended, gesturing at their Irish comrade as he expressed his disagreement adamantly. Bucky put up his hands defensively, grinning madly the whole time, "Je suis désolé ... mon erreur..." he told his friend through a chuckle, and it was clear the French Resistence fighter appreciated his point, despite carrying on the joke in his own sadistic way. Gabe congratulated him on a smooth save, and then he and Dernier excused themselves to go make use of the mock up bar themselves, the Harlemite throwing a friendly arm around the Frenchman's much shorter shoulders as they went.

Bucky watched them go, using the distraction to reach over for Steve's drink, trying to draw him out of his reverie, "If you're not gonna finish this," he mumbled playfully, downing the remnants in one swift toss, swallowing with a frown. "Augh, is there bourbon in that?"

Smacking his lips he tried to rid the clinging taste from his tongue, running the back of his hand over his mouth as though it might help. With a grunt he shook it off, continuing with the idling conversation as he leaned in to catch Steve's eyes. "You weren't kiddin'...Gettin' a bit rusty on the French, are we? I can help you with that, Gabe and Jimmy keep me on my toes."

As if detecting his name on the wind, Morita looked over and lovingly signed that Bucky should _'leave him out of it and get back to polishing Steve's... manners'._ Hiding his grinning face in his palm Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose, already thinking of a way to get back at his cheeky friend. With a huff of laughter he sat back in his seat, his boot making contact with Steve's under the short table as he pushed off from the floor to lean away. "Idiots."

  
  
  


When Carter was around it was like Steve became a different person. He didn't know how to be himself. He didn't even know who he was. It was an uncomfortable feeling that he didn't feel he had any control over. He kept talking to Bucky because the man relaxed him and it gave him something to focus on. "I'll have to keep that in mind. I think I figured out what 'merde' means at least."

It wasn't until Carter was making her goodbyes that Steve realized he'd just steamrolled over whatever the two had been talking about. His mind was still racing and all he could manage was a simple wave and a "Have a nice evening!" Peggy made him feel intimidated and a little terrified. The super soldier knew she was much smarter than him, which made Steve always feel a few steps behind and trying to catch up.

Bucky looked agitated, to say the least. Before Steve could manage an apology, the brunette was up getting them food, leaving him to sit and think. The blonde felt like he might have hurt the feelings of his two best friends, and he hoped he could figure out how make things better. The sight of dinner made him relax a little, and he figured he might leave well enough alone. "Thanks, Bucky," he said before practically inhaling his meal. Steve had been too busy focusing on scraps and 'sil vous plait's to realize how much he'd been starving.

The blonde still had a mouthful of food when the men started laughing. He felt oblivious as mocking and teasing was exchanged back and forth in various languages. He hardly noticed that his drink was gone. He tried to laugh along with the men, but he was clearly missing out on a lot of inside jokes the soldiers had built up over the years. Steve waited until Bucky leaned back. "What was all that about?" he asked, trying to wrap his head around what had just happened.

  
  


Shaking his head Bucky ran his hands over his face, setting all four legs of the chair back on the floor. It was clear Steve was feeling left out, and the last thing the sergeant had wanted was his friend feeling any more awkward than he already did. "It's nothin', really," Bucky tried to figure out the best way to map it all out for the younger man, but it was a little lost in translation.

"JD's just complainin' that he had to take so long figuring out how to explain things in English, lazy Americans blah blah... I'm paraphrasing of course. He's just jokin' around. You know, the whole French superiority thing..." Bucky waved off the rest of the conversation. "I know it's a lot to take in, but you're a fast learner, I'm sure you'll get it."

Bucky had already finished his meager meal so he reached over to run a finger along the edge of Steve's tray to collect the mashed potatoes clinging there. "Mmmm butter," he hummed in appreciation, sucking at his digit to enjoy the remaining morsels of flavor.

"And ah... Jim, well... he's being an ass as usual. Says I should 'mind my own business and stick to _polishing_ your... ah... _manners_ '," Bucky paused to give his friend an expression that hinted at the sexual context of the joke. "Because of the French thing... and the ... lazy Americans..." Bucky wasn't sure if he was making much sense. He laughed, meeting Steve's gaze, holding it pointedly as he tried to convey his sincerity.

"Like I said, it's not a problem, we can work on it. It'll be like we're in school again." It felt like it had been an eternity ago, but just months had passed. He wondered if his friend was embarrassed, or if he thought Bucky was being a little too clingy. It wasn't like Steve needed his help to brush up on his French, and the time they spent together had been dramatically shortened due to their circumstances. He hoped his true feelings hadn't been glanced when Carter had stolen the show.

Shifting anxiously in his seat he racked his tired brain for anything else to say, anything that he might do to ease the tension he felt growing. Maybe he was imagining it, but it was real enough to him. "I mean, you know, if you have time. I know you're busy with the SSR and all that."

  
  
  


Steve listened intently as Bucky tried to explain the conversations that were going on. He felt a little foolish being so out of the loop. The blonde laughed politely as he began to understand, though obviously the jokes were going to lose their luster after being translated and contextualized. "I get it," he said, "I wouldn't be here if I couldn't handle a few jabs."

The fact that Bucky was so willing to help him was a huge relief. Steve had been occasionally studying German ever since he heard about the war, but the fact that other languages would be so useful had never occurred to him. A part of him was frightened that people could be talking about him behind his back and he'd have no idea, but he trusted his company enough by now that he wasn't too bothered by it.

A warm smile spread over the super soldier's face as Bucky expressed his interest in teaching him. "I'd like that. Honestly I don't think they give me as much to do as the other men. Probably worried about wearing me out before a fight. So I usually spend my off time looking for jobs I can help out with, but I just end up getting in the way," Steve rubbed his face thoughtfully and looked around at all the men before settling his eyes on Bucky, "Maybe I should take the time to do something for myself, that is, if you're serious. I'm a good student, promise."

  
  


Bucky shook his head as he cleaned up his tray, listening to his friend but not believing it. "You sell yourself short Steve," he told the younger man seriously, then waved a hand to indicate the other men in the room. "Everyone can't be good at everything. And not enough people are concerned with doing the right thing, helping out. You're constantly on the move, doing what you can, that's more than a lot of guys. If anything, you might spread youself a little thin, that's all."

The sergeant didn't know how else to help his friend execpt to distract him. "C'mon," he stood and slapped the blonde's shoulder, urging him to follow him, "I dunno if you heard but there's quite a storm headed our way. Don't wanna get lost tryin' to find the tent. I'm just about done wtih today, what do you say? We can have a sleepover like we used to."

Bucky often liked to recall their little get togethers, the trouble they'd get into, the stories they'd tell. It'd been a long time... before they'd gone to war. He wondered if that simple innocence still existsed bewteen them, or if it'd been wiped out by the heat they now found when they were alone together. He supposed he'd find out, if his friend took him up on it.

  
  


Steve was red in the face having to hear Bucky say such nice things about him. He didn't feel like he was doing anything out of the ordinary. Helping other people just felt like the right thing to do. It was finding the time to be selfish that he had trouble with. "I guess you're right."

He didn't want to admit it, but Steve did feel himself being spread thin. There was too much riding on him. Everyone expected him to be a perfect soldier, and he couldn't let them down. He knew it was impossible to be the best at everything, but he felt he owed it to himself and to his country to do as much as he could.

Trying to put all that weight out of his mind, the blonde chuckled at the idea of a sleepover, "Sure, why not? Sounds like fun." He was eager to put his embarrassment behind him and move on with the night. Once Steve had polished off his tray and cleaned up after himself, he followed Bucky outside.

The smell of the air made it obvious to Steve that there was rain on the horizon, and the two soldiers didn't even make it to their tent before they heard thunder rumbling and felt water droplets beginning to fall on their heads. The feeling was nostalgic. He couldn't recall how many days the two of them had spent playing outside before rushing home under old newspapers that hardly protected their heads from getting wet.

The super soldier was smiling as they entered sanctuary from the rain and began removing their damp clothes. He ran a hand through his own hair, feeling like a wet dog. "Too bad we don't have any newspaper this time. My hair is a mess!" Steve was jealous of Bucky, whose brunette hair looked perfect no matter what. He suddenly realized he was staring and quickly looked away. "So what'd you have in mind? Wanna doodle with me? Or should we tell scary stories under the covers?" He regretted his words as soon as he said them, realizing how suggestive they sounded in recent context.

  
  


"Yes, Steve, fun," Bucky teased his friend with a roll of his eyes as they walked, closing his jacket up as they headed outside. "You're allowed to have fun from time to time." The temperature was dropping as the sun faded from the sky, and the older man frowned. It had been too cold for his taste that winter, the chill air nipping at his skin, making it itch.

"It's gonna get real cold. Probly end up with snow," he sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck where a large freezing drop landed and trickled down his back. It was terribly uncomfortable. "If Carter was planning an offensive it might have to wait. No way we're moving in that. Bad enough in mud," he pointed out as he shuffled along, glad when they reached their tent and he could towel the offending moisture off of him.

When Steve complained, he looked up to investigate the claim about the blonde locks he'd admired for years. Stifling a laugh he lifted his good arm to pat at the spiky dripping mess, making a face. "I dunno, I think it suits you," he poked fun, bringing a towel up to scruff it even more. His smile faltered a bit when he realized he was being stared at, his busy hands pausing in their drying work.

To cover it he began to answer as quickly as he could, even without words yet, heart pounding in his chest. "Ah... About that... I  ah... I noticed you haven't been keeping up," Bucky indicated the small suitcase of items Steve had with him, his art books barely touched. "I thought you promised to keep drawing," he prodded, leaving the towel with Steve as he went for one for himself.

Finally free of his jacket and heavier clothes he put them up on the hangers, dragging a dry cloth over himself to relieve his damp skin. "As for covers... you best believe I'm sticking to you like glue tonight. The last thing I need is to drop from pneumonia after everything else that's tried to take me out."

  
  


Steve dried himself off as well as he could before wrapping a warm blanket around his shoulders. "I know. I really wish I could get myself to draw more often. Maybe I just haven't found the right inspiration." He stared at his sketchbook with a sigh as he remembered how good it felt to have drawn something, but there were more important things to worry about now.

The super soldier sat down on his bed and lifted his arm, raising the blanket with it, to invite Bucky to join him in his warm cocoon. "I don't know if I remember any scary stories." When he tried to recall the ones they used to tell, all he could think of were actual horror stories he'd heard about the war, some of which he'd witnessed himself. Steve was starting to realize how important it was for soldiers to have pleasant distractions once in a while.

Bucky's skin touching his beside him, cold at first, but quickly warming up, was a pleasant enough distraction. Just being close to his friend, enough to feel his heartbeat, made Steve feel safe. He felt grounded in reality, like they were back home together. He couldn't imagine getting through this war without Bucky.

Steve put an arm around the brunette's shoulder, pulling him closer. "Truth is, I see inspiration everywhere. But lately I see everyone working so hard and I wonder what right I have to bury myself in my sketchbook. I know it's ridiculous... I'm just making excuses."

  
  
  


Steeling himself for the inevitable, Bucky joined his friend on his thin mattress, bringing his own wool blanket along with him. "I still have a few, I always thought they were too scary for you," he teased with a poke of his finger to Steve's ribs. In all honesty he'd learned a few more in his time with the army, running into as many people as they did in the chaos. Stories kept them sane.

With Steve's arm sliding over his skin he felt his heart skip, blush creeping over his cheeks. He was such a sad case. _This is your best friend, get it together damn it_. He carefully added his covers to the mix, focusing on arranging them as he pushed his emotions away as best he could. They had no place here. They'd done this hundreds of times, no strings, no obligations... so there was no reason to fret over perceived expectations.

"At least you realize it. We all got our orders, as long as you do your part no one's battin' an eye at what you do with your off time. And Steve, they love you. You saved their lives, you put yours on the line just as much as they do, if not more. You don't have any reason to worry about their perceptions okay? You gotta ease up on yourself."

Nudging his friend to lay down he waited for Steve to settle before he relaxed beside him, pressing his back into his friend's front, pulling his arm over him like a blanket. "Better than any fireplace," he hummed in appreciation as he pushed back itno Steve's chest, pulling his knees up, cold toes dragging up the younger man's muscular legs to find heat. "Who'da thought it'd ever be me usin' you for heat, huh?" he mumbled into the fabric held tight around them, breathing onto his hands to warm them up. "I'm the luckiest guy in the camp."

Bucky could feel Steve's hot breath on his neck and had to squeeze his eyes shut as his libido awakened with a vengeance, already making demands. Instead he paid attention to the dull ache in his side, Steve's heavy arm draped onto his wound, and thanked the distraction. "I bet I know what's inspirin' you," he drawled coyly, thinking on the way he'd seen Steve look at Carter. That was a real mood killer right there. "Can't blame ya, she's quite a doll."

  
  


"You're right. Maybe I can find time to sketch tomorrow." The problem was Steve had too many ideas and he didn't know where to begin. Would Bucky be upset if he wasn't the first subject? Would anyone else? This was why he tended to stick to nature scenes.

Steve's heart began to speed up as his friend lay him down on the bed, but he soon relaxed once he realized what was going on, and he spooned Bucky firmly. Whenever the two of them shared this much body contact, Steve felt like he could be happy there forever. With his arm draped comfortably over the other man's torso, he buried his face in the back of Bucky's head. The smell brought back so many memories.

"You are lucky. Don't you know I can regulate my body temperature now? I'm basically a human furnace. I think there's a button that has me make coffee too." He teased Bucky, trying to make his augmented body less of a stigma, more for himself than anything. If he was honest with himself, he still wasn't sure what his body was capable of. It was a scary thought, so he tried his best to have fun with it.

"What, you mean Carter?" Again Steve's heart skipped a beat. It was always a little jarring when Bucky brought her up while they were this intimate. Like it felt inappropriate to think about her in the context of being snuggled up with his best friend. "That'd be tough. I'd be afraid of screwing up some minor imperfection and make her end up looking like Colonel Phillips... Maybe after I get some more practice in."

  
  
  


"You better," Bucky answered lightly, wishing Steve had never followed him to war, had never abandoned his dreams of becoming an animator. He might have been expected to hold back and be what his father wanted, but Steve had freedom to choose - and he wanted more than anything to see him succeed. In a way he was, he had the respect he'd always deserved, but the price was a little too high for the sergeant.

"You had to mention coffee, didn't you?" Bucky pouted a bit, thinking on the pleasure of the drink, wishing he could indulge whenever the mood struck him. He didn't have too much time to sulk though, as Steve's nuzzling into his neck made his body sing. He struggled not to tense up, feeling little prickles of bliss trickle down his spine, biting his lip to brace himself. He had to keep talking.

"Is there another doe-eyed dame that's got you hot to trot?" Bucky was surprised he managed not to sound bitter. Staring across the tent at his own bed he felt his heart sink, thinking about all the women that Steve hadn't even met yet, the ones that would take one look at him and be game for marriage. Oh god, Steve was going to have kids...and a house, with the wife and the dog and the white picket fence...

"You couldn't mess it up if you tried," Bucky laughed, giving Steve a shoulder nudge to put a point on his emotions about it. "Especially with those enhancements of yours. That serum just made everything you had already better, no way would you screw that up." As much as it hurt, he really did want Steve to be happy. He just didn't have it in him to let go yet. The impulse to seduce his friend in that moment was overwhelming, but he knew it was just his jealousy rearing its ugly head.

Every time they talked about Carter it put him on edge, made him do stupid things. But he needed Steve to live his own life, not hold back because he worried about Bucky or anyone else... And so, he kept bringing her up in some horrid masochistic ritual. Whatever it took to give Steve the push he needed to really live his life. "She's a looker. Can't fail with that level of perfection."

It was an endless cycle of poking the bear and then spreading his legs to soothe the wound... Bucky might be hurting himself but Steve liked it, he benefited from it enough to ask for it... So where was the harm? "Must be tough, not bein' able to do anything about it...You know, if you ever need to... work out a problem," Bucky gave a subtle roll of his hips back into Steve's, his tone playful despite the heat of his movements, "I'm game."

  
  


"Ha. I don't know if it works that way," Steve had noticed an increased sense of focus and attention to detail, important skills when it came to making art. He'd just never thought about it like Bucky had, "But I guess I'll never know until I try." It was always an exciting feeling, getting ideas in his head and the drive to draw something. He only hoped he would follow through with it when he had the chance.

Steve could already imagine himself sketching Peggy's face. It was a daunting idea. Her features were so perfectly placed. It was the same with Bucky. Every time the blonde tried to draw his friend, he'd wind up getting something wrong, be it his strong cheekbones or his warm eyes. It was difficult to capture all of it, so he'd usually end up with some sort of squish-faced impersonator of Bucky. Steve tried to never let the brunette see his failed attempts if he could help it, but he knew Bucky was supportive no matter what.

Suddenly it was clear to Steve what Bucky was up to as he felt the grinding against his crotch. "You don't have to tell me twice," he said as he moved his arms down to pull the man's hips closer. Steve's libido surprised him sometimes. All it took was a small action and a seductive tone from Bucky, and the super soldier was ready to go. He let a hand creep up the brunette's shirt slowly. "You always have the solutions to all my problems, don't you?"

  
  


"Who's stupid now?" Bucky teased him with a laugh, "If I'm doing all the thinkin' for you?" His voice was light but muffled behind his hands, under the blankets he used like a shield against the cold drifting over his face. "Course you gotta try. I saw some of your sketches in your movie star tent, they were somethin' special. And from what I heard, not made when you were feelin' the greatest. Imagine what a happy Steve could do?"

His choice of words were quite apt, as his friend moved against him then, sending any amusement he'd been experiencing off to pasture. Swallowing hard he went still, having not at all expected the younger man to take him up on his mostly joking offer. He was still sore, and the temperature was dropping drastically. He knew he shouldn't encourage it, especially when he was trying to keep Steve from making ruinous decisions, but...

Shivering from something entirely not related to the chill weather, Bucky bit his lip, mind racing. He wanted to believe there was a choice in the matter at hand, but he knew better. As soon as Steve had curled around him it was all over. "Steve..." he wasn't at all surprised to hear the wanton tone in his own half whisper, but he was horribly embarrassed. He was supposed to be the tough guy, the leader, the one that was unshakable in any situation. It was just more proof that it was all a big lie.

Bucky gave himself over to it then, realizing that if he couldn't change it, he might as well embrace it. At least Steve appreciated this side of him. Even if it was to get off. The sergeant arched subtly into the big hand climbing up his chest, causing fire to race over his cool skin. Hissing, he couldn't help but press back into the supersoldier's stiff eager cock, one hand finding Steve's to encourage his grip on his thinly clothed hip.

"You don't gotta flatter me to get me into bed Stevie," he teased, giving a hushed moan as he tugged at his undergarments, sliding them down just enough to remove one barrier between them. The heat from Steve's straining cock was astoundingly provocative. "Do you want it... like this?"

  


Steve could barely contain himself. Once his sexual appetite was awakened, it was as though he were a different person. Steve tugged at his own clothes until his straining cock was free. He wanted to do all kinds of things to Bucky, but he worried the man was still tired from their last roll in the hay.

In response to his friend's suggestion, Steve moved the brunette's hand until it found his rock hard erection, before slipping his own hand inside Bucky's underwear to grip his throbbing member. "Like this," he said as he began to stroke the sergeant slowly but firmly.

Steve rolled Bucky toward him so he could better reach his face, and kissed the man's lips as they rubbed each other. The act was not as strenuous as the night before, but Steve found it no less exhilarating. The slow buildup was agonizingly blissful. Bucky's hands knew just how to touch him, and it wasn't long before he was on the edge, bucking his hips against the man beside him. "Oh God yes, Bucky. Just like that."

The super soldier was lost in ecstasy, and it wasn't until they'd both finished that he realized something. "Heh, we left the light on, didn't we? Sorry I got caught up in the moment there. Ahem. Well hopefully nobody peeked." Steve wrapped his arms around Bucky then, the post-orgasmic tingling making the man's body feel so beautiful against his. It was always a relief to think that no matter how awkward things got between them, Bucky would still be there, accepting Steve for who he was. Though the blonde sometimes worried that he was just taking that as granted. His friend was the most important thing in his life at that point, but he just didn't know how else to show it.

  
  


Bucky had been ready for another steady pounding, so it took him by surprise when Steve took his hand, indicating what he wanted instead. Well, that was unexpected but not unappreciated. "Yeah, okay," the sergeant gave a soft smile before lazily beginning to stroke the other man, only faltering when his own erection was taken hold of.

"Stevie..." Shivering with his excitement he followed Steve's lead, nuzzling into the kiss eagerly, lips and tongue gently exploring the bigger man's as they moved against one another. It was a slow but pleasantly stimulating dance, Bucky's fingers feather light on the downy head before giving a good tug. It'd been a while since they simply handled each other, and the older man hoped he wasn't mucking it up.

But before long Steve was lifting his hips into his palm, moaning and shuddering for him and damn if that wasn't one hell of a high. He didn't have too much of a stretch before he was losing himself as well, yanking Steve into a kiss as he crashed into his completion. The liplock became tender as his heart settled down, and he found himself breaking it, a little embarrased by his blatant display of need.

He didn't have to worry though, as his friend was easily distracted. He grabbed a discarded undershirt and used it to tidy himself up, taking Steve's hand and doing the same for him without a second thought. "It wouldn't be anything new," he muttered, thinking on the number of times he'd caught guys in similar situations. When you have nowhere else to go... "Well, maybe 'cause it's you," he admitted with a shrug, relaxing back into his position on his side, reaching down to turn off the light. It wasn't like Steve really needed it anyway.

Bucky could only hope Steve wasn't ashamed of him. It was getting dangerously close to them talking about it... And the sergeant could feel his chest hollowing from the fear. There wasn't anything he could ever say to explain himself that wouldn't make Steve feel guilty, or obligated. Their conversation in the storage tent had been close enough, too close for comfort. Bucky had even considered dropping the sexual side of their friendship altogether. Nothing could ever come of it, and Steve had to know that.

"At least we don't have to worry about my little sister climbing into bed with us anymore," Bucky joked in the dark, thinking on the couple of times he'd been terrified she'd discovered them. But Becca never noticed, or never said. Either way, it'd reminded him why he was so uneasy. His family would never understand, not that Steve would tell. He just had to be careful.

Yawning he thought on their futures, if they were to have them. Steve could do anything he wanted, he had it all going for him. That is, if the US military didn't slap a stamp on him and lock him away. Well, they might try but Bucky knew it'd never work. Steve would find a way out. As for him, what could he do? Shell shocked and queer, without a war to fight he'd probably end up back at home, caring for his parents until they pushed him into marriage.

"Fun as it is, always wears me out," he revealed with another yawn, pleased when his side didn't seem to ache as much as it had been. Maybe it was almost over. "Got any bedtime stories for me?" he grinned, hoping to steer away from his worrisome thoughts.

  
  


Steve hadn't considered his words before he said them. What if someone had walked in? Was it really a commonplace thing? He supposed there were a lot of lonely guys out there, so it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. He'd just never thought about it outside of his and Bucky's little arrangement. But he could only imagine the scandal that could break out if the wrong person found out. It wasn't worth worrying about then, and Steve welcomed the relative safety of darkness.

"Becca always had impeccable timing," the blonde laughed. "How did she always manage to catch us in bed together?" As frustrating as that had been, Steve missed having her around. Bucky's family was there for the kid when he had no one, so of course they would always hold a special place in his heart.

Seeing how exhausted Bucky was, Steve felt guilty for ending their night together so soon. He supposed they'd had a nice time together, so there was no sense in lamenting lost time. Snuggling and telling stories to his best friend as they fell asleep together was just about as good as things could get.

"Hmm. How about 'Steve and Bucky's Brooklyn Adventure'? You're probably sick of that one. Have I ever told you the one about how Captain America saves the world? It's a work in progress, I admit."

  


"Hard to believe she's married now," Bucky ran a hand through his hair as he relaxed into the thin mattress, Steve at his back. The brunette chewed at his lips, lost in thought, remembering the times he'd have to pretend he hadn't just been feeling up his best friend. She'd never hinted that she knew anything, and it wasn't like he was going to ask.

"I haven't even met my neice yet," he sighed, wondering what she looked like, or if he'd ever get to see her at all. It was weird to think he was an uncle, that there was a new generation to his family. It made him feel old, even though he'd barely started living as it was. "Becca wanted to see me off, but I didn't want her travelin'. Safer outside the city. She insists on movin' back though, wants to be close to mom. Last I heard, anyway."

With a laugh he thought over Steve's suggestions, shaking his head, "Right, I forgot. Wrong person to ask, not much of a talker," Bucky snickered to himself, enjoying watching Steve sputter under his teasing. "You just think about it. Make it something good." Shifting to press back into his friend he wondered if it was a smart idea before going ahead and doing it anyway. Steve being a supersoldier had changed a few things, like his stamina for one. Jesus but the man could handle him all night without a breather. Still, Bucky needed to come up for air every now and then.

"I think it slipped my mind since you were gone... When you went off with the guys on your mission, Howard came to see me. Looked god damn awful, circles under his eyes for days. Hadn't shaved, practically falling over on his way in..." the memory made his chest tighten, it'd been such a shocking sight. He'd never seen Stark in anything but top form, so he'd known it was a big deal. "He made me a new coat that night. Didn't even give me the long spiel, just kinda held it up to me, looked like he was gonna ball like a baby..."

Bucky's words weren't mocking or humored but more hushed and contemplative, like he was still trying to figure out what he'd witnessed. "Already had one from before but... I guess with the sniper he felt it wasn't good enough. Stayed up all night makin' sure this one was better," the sergeant stared up at the garment in question, still biting at his lips. It was so strange having someone look after him that wasn't family. He quietly considered his relationship with Howard then, and wondered when it had evolved so drastically, hand idly rubbing at where he'd been shot without realizing.

Suddenly aware he was drifting off he cleared his throat, patting Steve's hands where they rested on his chest, "So ah, about that story? Gimme some sweet dreams."

  
  


Steve found himself instinctively petting Bucky's hair as the brunette told him about his new coat. "He just wants what's best for you, as long as he can make it in a lab." It came as no surprise to him that Howard felt strong feelings for Bucky. Most of the men on the base did. He'd noticed on their recent excursion without the sergeant that there was a noticeable din in the atmosphere. Bucky clearly brought something irreplaceable to the team, and his being shot shook them up significantly. Steve could only imagine how many stories the Howling Commandos would love to share.

But now Bucky was asking to hear his stories. The super soldier wasn't much of a storyteller, but he'd do what he could to help the drowsy man drift off. Steve racked his brain for something that would entertain his friend, maybe something he hadn't heard before. Talking about himself wasn't his favorite thing either, but what else did he know?

"All right, just promise me you'll fall asleep fast 'cause I'm not good at endings. Let's see. Once upon a time, there was a boy who wanted to fight for his country. The country said, fine, but we have to bulk you up a bit first. The boy was okay with this as long as it meant he'd be better at fighting, but then the country changed its mind. Decided their new bulky boy looked good on a poster but not in a fight. So the boy put on shows for all the people in the country. He figured if he couldn't fight bad guys, he could at least inspire others. That's what the country told him. But the other people fighting for the country didn't see him that way. They saw the boy as a distraction from real problems. So he decided to quit being a show pony and to start fighting with everyone else, whether the country wanted him to or not."

Steve had to stop himself before the tears started. There were feelings he had buried deep inside that he couldn't admit to himself, but Bucky always managed to make him comfortable enough that he could share anything.

  
  


The long fingers combing through his hair were just what Bucky needed, the simple gesture soothing him like nothing else, causing his eyes to flutter shut in delight. An almost imperceptible smile curved his lips, and he relaxed noticably. "He's a good guy," the sergeant agreed, wondering if Howard truly blamed himself or just didn't like to fail. He felt a tendril of guilt from the thought, and berated himself a bit. Howard was a friend, he'd proven that over and over. Just because Bucky didn't feel worthy of it didn't make it any less true.

"Already most-way there," the injured man mumbled sleepily, eyes still shut tight, though his smile grew wider. As he listened however, he could feel his heart start to ache, hearing the emotional side of the notorious story in Steve's wavering voice. It'd never been laid out like that for him, he'd never considered the shame, the heaviness, because to him Steve had always been a hero, no matter what he was doing. But for Steve, it seemed, things were a little different.

"Hey now, c'mere," Bucky reached back to pull Steve close, turning his face to press a kiss to his friend's strong jaw. "That took a lot of guts," he told the big man behind him, still seeing the little guy in his mind. "No one shoulda ever doubted you, now they know that. You showed 'em, ya hear me?" Bucky felt his own throat tightening and had to cut himself off, instead resting his forehead against his friend's neck, taking a minute to collect himself. God, he loved this man.

"I've never felt safer than I do right now. You've always been a hero to me, Steven Grant Rogers, it's about time the rest of the world saw it too." Bucky immediately felt like he'd said too much, but there it was. After a beat he gave Steve's arm a few pats, shifting back onto his side. "Also make a damn fine blanket. But I'm hangin' on to that little nugget for myself."

With a yawn and a playful push back into his friend he settled in, burying his nose into the covers pulled up around his face to hide from the cold. "Mmmm...I'm apt to have _mighty_ sweet dreams tonight."

  
  


Steve turned his face into his pillow, feeling slightly embarrassed for opening up so much. He was surprised that Bucky was so receptive and forthcoming though. The man must have been really tired to let down his wall for even a moment. Steve was glad though. He loved to hear what his friend was really feeling.

"Yeah, well, I don't know if I'll ever be a real hero, but I intend to do my best until I've proven myself. Thanks Buck. I mean that. Couldn't have done any of this without 'ya." The super soldier snuggled up tight to his bed-mate, trying to be the best blanket that he could be.


End file.
